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Aug 18 2012

A Cloud of Witnesses

This came up in conversation the other day and I thought I’d link to it again. It’s a document put out by Rev. Moon’s Unification Church called A Cloud of Witnesses and it’s one of the funniest things you’ll ever read. It was actually published in full page ads in newspapers all over the world in 2002 and it purports to be a report about a meeting that took place in the “spirit world” in December, 2001.

At this alleged meeting, the founders and leading figures of all the major religions joined famous communist leaders like Karl Mark and Lenin in declaring Rev. Moon to be the “Savior, Messiah, Second Coming and True Parent of all humanity.” They apparently stood up, one by one, and delivered a testimony about Moon and declare their loyalty to him in some terribly amusing ways. Here’s Jesus, for example:

Reverend Sun Myung Moon! Thou art the Second Coming who inaugurated the Completed Testament Age! The 120 people, who have brought light to the history of Christianity, pledge to take part in all that the True Parents do, and resolve to strive toward the ideal, the original garden where there is no original sin, through the guidance, the words of the Completed Testament, and the Unification Principle, of the Savior and Messiah, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.

Even better is the testimony of Karl Marx:

I, Marx, affirm God’s existence and that He is the Parent of all humankind. I denied God and shouted loudly with confidence to the extent that people believed me more than God. Now I’d like to reveal my experience with God to the whole world. I felt that my theoretical paradigm was crumbling as I listened to the Godism lecture. At the same time my pride was damaged severely. When I listened to Godism, I thought it was a dream, but it was not. Then a beam of light came into my heart like a red-hot bullet.

I, Marx, have met God. I have found that He is the Parent of humankind. I have felt the greatness of God’s love. I clearly convey to you who God is. He is the Parent of humankind. Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who is on the Earth, brought this fact to light. The Divine Principle and Unification Thought express the original standards that open the way to salvation, so you must read them. I ask this of you seriously. I clearly say that I apologize for my past to God and True Parents and love them and am proud of them.

And it all ends with a letter from God himself:

Dear Beloved True Parents, I am the God of all people. I am the God of all people. I am the God of all people. My beloved son. My beloved son. My beloved son, I, the God of all people, love True Parents! I love you greatly! I hold you dearly!

How could I help but feel happiness and gratitude for you, who are my son? If there were a word better than “love,” I would like to borrow that verb, but I can’t think of a better word. Although the True Parents reside in a deep place in my heart, I cannot adequately express my love for you in words.

As you, the True Parents, have now succeeded in everything and have raised everything to its true level, you are now the Savior, Messiah and King of Kings of all of humanity!!! Because on December 25, 2001, the Founders and representatives of Christianity and the other religions adopted written resolutions in which they without exception resolved to participate in realizing the peaceful unification of the cosmos, while attending the True Parents, it is right and proper that the True Parents are exalted in the position of True Parents of all humankind. I, the God of all people, desire this and want to see it happen.

Despite the people of the world not yet fully understanding the position of True Parents, because the position should be fulfilled internally, I, the God of all people, invite the True Parents to the position of King of Kings.

Because the True Parents have, in my place, endured countless difficult paths, I now want to bestow upon you all of the gratitude, inspiration, excitement and joy that I have been feeling. I want you to inherit all that is mine.

My beloved True Parents! I have wanted to express my heart to you for a long time, but I have not had such an opportunity. However, now this daughter of mine has looked into my heart. This has allowed this time to come to pass, and I would like to express to you my gratitude.

True Parents! My beloved True Parents! I want to hold you in my bosom and not let you go! It is a waste for me to walk the floor with my two legs. I want to hold you all night and talk to you!

I, the God of all people, have faith. I believe in the True Parents. I know and remember all of the difficulties, pain and suffering that you have had to endure. I have seen it all. It was all my responsibility, yet you endured and raised a victorious standard. How can I ever forget you? I am grateful.

I am so happy because of you. Truly, I thank you for your hard work.

My beloved True Parents, victory to you! Victory to the Saviors of humanity! Victory to the King of Kings, True Parents!

I, the God of all people, sincerely convey this to my beloved True Parents.

That’s some great unintentional comedy.

36 comments

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  1. 1
    marcus

    How could I help but feel happiness and gratitude for you, who are my son? If there were a word better than “love,” I would like to borrow that verb, but I can’t think of a better word.
    Perhaps God should buy a thesaurus.

  2. 2
    slc1

    We’re laughing but it’s not funny. This fascist asshole is able to attract elected public officials to his events.

  3. 3
    Brett McCoy

    I wonder why Zarathrusta, Moses and Lao Tsu were not invited to this meeting?

  4. 4
    shallit

    Don’t forget that Jonathan Wells, the Dishonesty Institute’s 2nd favorite biologist, is a devout follower of this insane megalomaniac. That tells you all you need to know about his perspicacity.

  5. 5
    Jeremy Shaffer

    This reminds me of that Futurama episode where the Planet Express crew and the cast of the original Star Trek are captured by the energy being that was a major Trekkie.

  6. 6
    Zeno

    To quote God himself, “I have seen it all”!

  7. 7
    iangould

    Presumably the “Godism lecture” occurred after Karl’s deaths.

    By that time I think he would probably already be having serious doubts about dialectic materialism.

  8. 8
    Zeno

    Two years later, by the way, in 2004, Moon and his wife were crowned in a bizarre Washington, D.C., ceremony attended by several congressmen! [Link]

  9. 9
    iangould

    I’m surprised Sun’s former high school girlfriend didn’t put in an appearacne to say what a fool she was to have dumped him.

  10. 10
    'Tis Himself

    famous communist leaders like Karl Mark

    Any relation to Groucho Mark?

  11. 11
    raven

    In the Kingdom of Reverend Moon « N4TM
    ews4themasses.wordpress.com/…/in-the-kingdom-of-reverend-moo…

    19 Jun 2012 – Reverend Moon considers himself the Messiah, so… … Office Building in Washington, D.C., and was promoted by members of Congress. …. the Dirksen Senate Office Building was the scene of a coronation ceremony for Rev.

    As noted above, Moon had himself crowned Messiah in 2004.

    The ceremony took place in the Dirksen Senate Office Building of all places and was attended by several elected officials.

    Moon was once a favorite of the GOP because he had lots of money and donated it to their campaigns.

  12. 12
    Pierce R. Butler

    Now that’s some sophisticumated theology!

  13. 13
    Ace of Sevens

    Why did he wait ten years to tell the public this? His coronation would have been derided a lot less if people knew that it was endorsed by God, Jesus and Karl Marx.

  14. 14
    Artor

    Day-um! It sounds like Doctor Bronner was at that meeting taking the transcript. It reads like the theo-babble on a bottle of his shampoo.

  15. 15
    raven

    The Rev. Moon Honored at Hill Reception
    Lawmakers Say They Were Misled
    By Charles Babington and Alan Cooperman
    Washington Post Staff Writers
    Wednesday, June 23, 2004; Page A01

    More than a dozen lawmakers attended a congressional reception this year honoring the Rev. Sun Myung Moon in which Moon declared himself the Messiah and said his teachings have helped Hitler and Stalin be “reborn as new persons.”

    At the March 23 ceremony in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, Rep. Danny K. Davis (D-Ill.) wore white gloves and carried a pillow holding an ornate crown that was placed on Moon’s head. The Korean-born businessman and religious leader then delivered a long speech saying he was “sent to Earth . . . to save the world’s six billion people. . . . Emperors, kings and presidents . . . have declared to all Heaven and Earth that

    Reverend Sun Myung Moon is none other than humanity’s Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent.”

    Reverend Sun Myung Moon is none other than humanity’s Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent.”

    We know this because he told us himself. If anyone wants to know where religions come from, just look at Moonie-ism. People just make it all up.

  16. 16
    raven

    Why did he wait ten years to tell the public this?

    This was published in 2002, two years before his coronation as Messiah.

    Moon doesn’t have much to lose here. He is quite old and will die sooner rather than later.

    Becoming gods must be fashionable in Korea. The other ones are the ruling dynasty in North Korea who have elevated themselves to god kings.

  17. 17
    gardengnome

    Brett McCoy says:

    I wonder why Zarathrusta, Moses and Lao Tsu were not invited to this meeting?

    They shouldn’t feel too bad – I wasn’t invited either!

  18. 18
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    I wonder why Zarathrusta, Moses and Lao Tsu were not invited to this meeting?”

    And the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And the Magician. And also, Jane Fonda was there.

  19. 19
    naturalcynic

    What??!! No Joseph Smith??!!??

  20. 20
    Moggie

    God’s sounding a little senile there. I hope he’s got someone to look after him.

  21. 21
    timgueguen

    Moon may be dead by this time next week. He’s currently in a Seoul hospital suffering from pneumonia, unconcious and on an respirator. A doctor gave him only a fifty percent chance of survival.

  22. 22
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    I’m surprised Sun’s former high school girlfriend didn’t put in an appearacne to say what a fool she was to have dumped him.

    Oh, she was in the first draft. His advisers talked him into dropping that paragraph.

  23. 23
    caseloweraz

    “…and it purports to be a report about a meeting that took place in the “spirit world” in December, 2001.”

    I always thought the spirit world was timeless. Whoda thunk it had calendar dates… and seating arrangements.

  24. 24
    Sastra

    Wait for the expanded version — channeled by a five-year-old and containing more ponies and rainbows — to make it to the best seller lists next year. It will be titled Spirit World Is For Real.

  25. 25
    dingojack

    timgueguen (#21) – No doubt he’s dying for our sins.
    Dingo

  26. 26
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    Probably a stupid question, but what’s all this about “True Parents”?

  27. 27
    Taz

    “God” is a babbling idiot.

  28. 28
    raven

    Probably a stupid question, but what’s all this about “True Parents”?

    The answer is a lot stupider.

    According to the Mormons, your True Parents live on planet Kolob and are god and his herd of goddess wives that are so important that no one even knows their names.

    God spends all his time fucking and the goddess wives spend all their time pregnant and giving birth to pre-humans and demons. It’s about 10 billion souls so far. You can imagine how much sex is involved in producing 10 billion spirit babies. No one god isn’t around much these days.

    We spend time in Pre-existence doing whatever they do in Pre-existence. This determines where we end up on earth with the Fake Parents we cycle through. The best end up Mormon males. Then nonMormon white males, nonwhite nonMormon males, and then we eventualy get down to the majority of the population which are…female. If you are female, tough, you screwed up in your Pre-existence and it’s your own dammed fault.

    I assume Moon is hinting at a similar system. No point making up a religion when you can just steal bits and pieces and smash them together. This is so common it is called syncretism and most religions including xianity are syncreatic. Xianity is a kludge of Judaism mixed in with various pagan religions and Greek and Roman philosophy and mythology. Which they stole from various other groups before that.

  29. 29
    Aliasalpha

    Witnesses? More like a cloud of witlesses

    *chirp*

    *chirp*

    *rolling tumbleweed*

    … I’ll get my coat

  30. 30
    Dr X

    @Rave:

    God spends all his time fucking and the goddess wives spend all their time pregnant and giving birth to pre-humans and demons. It’s about 10 billion souls so far. You can imagine how much sex is involved in producing 10 billion spirit babies. No one god isn’t around much these days.”

    That’s a Big Bang.

  31. 31
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    That’s a Big Bang.

    Bah dmp psh!

  32. 32
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    Thanks, raven. That’s… wow. Pretty weird.

  33. 33
    Crudely Wrott

    Wasn’t this event hosted by Steve Allen?

  34. 34
    alancayton

    My comment on the comments. When God baits his hook with a good man and drops it in the circus of fools called humanity this is what he comes up with?

  35. 35
    raven

    My comment on the comments. When God baits his hook with a good man and drops it in the circus of fools called humanity this is what he comes up with?

    What do you mean, assuming it’s anything coherent and, in the unlikely event, you have the ability to write comprehensible English.

    Moon and Moonies are what happens when the god’s bait their hooks with a far too old piece of hotdog and drops it on the bottom. All you catch that way are…suckers.

    We are the smart fish laughing at the poor suckers as they get hauled up.

  36. 36
    raven

    Alan Cayton calls Moon a good man.

    The only ones who do that are Moonies.

    Somebody drank way too much cult kookaide.

    PS The minority of xians who known anything about their religion really hate Moon and Moonies. The constant megalomaniac claims to be the second coming, jesus christ the second really put them on edge. It’s about the worst heresy they can think of.

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