As he does every few years, wingnut preacher Rick Scarborough of Vision America is planning another one of his “40 days to unleash Jesus” events. Dozens of his fellow whackos are happy to jump on board and, naturally, the Worldnutdaily would just love to be the PR agent for the event with articles like this.
There’s a new campaign that puts Election Day 2012 in the bull’s-eye, but organizers say it’s not about a political or social issue, or about who gets in Congress or the White House. It’s not even, really, about people.
It seeks to turn God loose on the nation…
Rick Scarborough of Vision America says America is in crisis, and he’s being joined by thousands of Americans in the national campaign of prayer, fasting and repentance.
More than 100 ministries have joined the effort to seek God’s help with “pending economic collapse, moral disintegration, and international terrorism.”…
“Now as then, our destiny rests in God’s hands. The crises confronting us are beyond the power of human beings to resolve without Divine guidance,” organizers explain.
Scarborough says: “All around us, we see economic decline, immorality, corruption, growing secular humanism and attacks on religious liberty. Our call to action is clear.”
I agree. And I think you should pray and fast the hell out of each other, not just for 40 days but for the rest of your lives.
41 comments
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DaveL
July 26, 2012 at 9:38 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So they’ve been keeping Jesus on a leash this whole time?
thalwen
July 26, 2012 at 9:42 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Given their God’s inclinations to randomly kill people, I think he should be kept leashed, and muzzled.
dingojack
July 26, 2012 at 9:42 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“When the party was nice, the party was jumpin’ (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)
And everybody havin’ a ball (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo)
I tell the fellas “start the name callin’” (Yippie Yi Yo)
And the deities report to the call
The poor gods show down
Who let Jesus out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let Jesus out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let Jesus out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let Jesus out (woof, woof, woof, woof)”
:) Dingo
shouldbeworking
July 26, 2012 at 9:43 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m sure the leash is just a metaphor. Before JC is allowed to save America from the evildoers, let’s see his birth certificate, tax returns and military service records.
Larry
July 26, 2012 at 9:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Release the Krake.., errr, Jesus!
Dexeron
July 26, 2012 at 9:50 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Whenever I hear language like “unleash Jesus”, I just picture Jesus snarling, pulling at his leash, raving and ready to be set forth upon some enemy. I imagine a colosseum. A weary gladiator has finished off his last foe, and turns to raise his sword to the cheering crowd.
Emperor Cyber-Constantine looks on in distain. Rising, he waves his hand, and silence decends upon the crowd. Sneering at the warrior beyond, he cries out: “UNLEASH THE JESUS!”
The snarling and screeching and clattering of a thousand chitenous talons send the gladiator scurring back as the massive doors swing open. The lumbering presence that moves into the sun may have once been a man, but the calloused hands of a carpenter hand limp and atrophied, barely noticible against the oozing carapace of the Ascended Form. Twenty legs wrap their way around the door frame and heave its massive bulk through. It does not heed the catcalls from the stands, nor does it consider the terrified appeals from the once proud warrior before it.
All that it knows is that it is time to feed.
“BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO THIRST!” it cries, leaping upon the fleeing gladiator.
…um, I might have gotten a little distracted there.
iangould
July 26, 2012 at 9:50 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
DaveL, that’s just the way Jesus rolls.
dingojack
July 26, 2012 at 9:52 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oe for those with a more Shakespearian bent:
“Cry Havock, and let slip the dogs of war!”
Dingo
—–
PS: Maybe it’s time to give these christian god(s) the “Ol’ Yella” treatment.
StevoR
July 26, 2012 at 10:03 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Jesus is a good name for a Rottweiler. ;-)
anubisprime
July 26, 2012 at 10:10 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Errm!…foreigner confused here!
So , if I have correctly translated from the fundy, if Obama is reelected then that would infer he would be a jeebus preferred and ‘murica is saved to attempt to irritate the rest of the world as per usual!
Or if Romney is elevated to the White House then Mormonism is the preferred religion of jeebus and ‘murica is saved to attempt to irritate the rest of the world as per usual!
Either way fundagelical’s are screwed…I fail to understand the meaning of this?
baal
July 26, 2012 at 10:14 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Given god’s penchant for genocide, It strikes me as delusional to pray for him. At least the Cthulhu cultists know they want to die first.
From today – we have an idea how it might look:
http://freethoughtblogs.com/axp/2012/07/26/insert-better-love-story-than-twilight-joke-here/
RickR
July 26, 2012 at 10:25 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Why did this phrase make me think of the Monster From The Id from “Forbidden Planet”?
Moar tax cuts (for the rich)
Gays, abortion, evolution
Islam!!111!
If he’d only managed to squeeze climate change denial into that screed, my Fundie Bingo Card™ would be full! Damn you!
Randomfactor
July 26, 2012 at 10:35 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If they really believed, they’d VOTE for him in November.
http://votingforjesus.com/
But of course they don’t REALLY believe. That’s why they have to put that phony reminder on all the US money.
reverendrodney
July 26, 2012 at 10:42 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Unleash” is a metaphor but what vision does it evoke? that Christ is caged, being held back… by what?
Not enough money.
greg1466
July 26, 2012 at 10:45 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Simply breathtaking how disingenuous that first paragraph is.
Abby Normal
July 26, 2012 at 10:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Re: DJ @8
Wouldn’t that be, “Cry hallelujah and let slip the Christ of war!”
Draken
July 26, 2012 at 10:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@12, RirckR: but “it’s not about a political or social issue, or about who gets in Congress or the White House”, oh no sirree no!
Gregory in Seattle
July 26, 2012 at 11:07 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So… he keeps Jesus locked up in the basement?
anteprepro
July 26, 2012 at 11:09 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
They unleashed the Jesus last year, and he bit me. Now on every full moon, I grow a beard and transform into an apocalyptic preacher who thinks that he is a fleshy god because he can perform parlor tricks. Yes, I am a werejesus. I can finally admit the shameful truth.
timgueguen
July 26, 2012 at 11:21 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This is explains why Jesus didn’t intervene in Aurora. The fundies wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t an important enough situation for him to be unleashed on.
Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)
July 26, 2012 at 11:37 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh man, Big J has been in training for a long time for this unleashing. He’s been doing wrist-only pull-ups, jogging on water, eating a carefully designed diet of loaves and fishes, turning water into isotonic energy drink, all that jazz.
This is the underdog who took out Zeus, Odin, Jupiter, and who knows how many other contenders to take the Title. Sure, it’s been a few centuries since the big rumble when he took the thorny crown, but frankly none of today’s contenders have the street-brawl ruthlessness the J-man brings to the fight. Sure, Mo talks a good talk and can throw his weight around with the little guys, but even he can’t take the J head on.
No, the only way to fight him is to fight smart. That Charles “the Taxonomist” Darwin guy has been lurking around the edges for a while now, working up on smaller opponents and making a name for himself. He’s a skinny dude, but he’s a master of theory – he’s been studying and categorizing his opponents, and lately he’s been making huge strides in predicting moves he’s never even seen before. To be honest he has such a smart routine he can already dance rings around the J’s clumsy swings. The more time J gives him, the more time he’ll have to bulk up, build a bigger base of fans to promote him. The more time he has to perfect his theory, and the harder the knockout blow is gonna be.
That’s one fight you’re going to want to pay-per-view.
lofgren
July 26, 2012 at 11:40 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You have to admire Jesus’ commitment to Gorean relationships to only use the safe word once every few years.
raven
July 26, 2012 at 11:56 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s not even, really, about people.
Well, this is true. It’s all about imaginary Sky Fairies.
I suppose next year they will “unleash Thor”. Followed by the unleashing of Superman. It is however, too soon to “unleash Batman”. That hasn’t worked too well due to absolutely no fault of Batman.
raven
July 26, 2012 at 11:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thousands??? In a country of 310 million, that isn’t even a rounding error.
15 million Americans claim to have been abducted by UFO aliens.
Sastra
July 26, 2012 at 12:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Campaigns like this help emphasize how a fair chunk of Christians apparently have a very literal, magical, over-dramatic view of reality. I think they really seem to half-expect their imprecations will result in some giant wind-like special effect literally sweeping across the the land — presumably accompanied by music of some sort, like a soundtrack. It’s God — out in the open at last. Buildings, books, borders swept away. Those who will not bow, die. I wonder how they would actually confront a reality like that.
And I want Dexeron at #6 to rewrite the Bible. I mean, discover a few lost testaments and “translate” them.
d cwilson
July 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Which brings us to the joke of the day:
A burglar is breaking into a house. As he pries open the window, he hears a voice calling to him.
“Jesus is watching you!”
“Jesus is watching you!”
He steps through the window and the voice continues, repeating the same sentence:
“Jesus is watching you!”
“Jesus is watching you!”
The burglar turns on his flashlight and points it in the direction of the voice. There, he sees a parrot inside a bird cage. On the cage, there is a nameplate with the name “Moses” written on it.
“What kind of person would name their parrot Moses?” The burglar wonders out loud.
To which the parrot replies, “The same kind of person who names his pitbull Jesus!”
d cwilson
July 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ve met a lot of people who’ve told me I need to “find Jesus”, but I’ve never seemed able to, no matter where I looked. Now I know why. He’s been chained in Scarborough’s yard the whole time!
Abby Normal
July 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Raven @24
Citation requested.
John Hinkle
July 26, 2012 at 1:46 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Gee, I can’t $eem to think of why $o many mini$trie$ want a piece of the action. Nothing $eem$ to come to mind… except, oh I don’t know…
Maybe $atan?!?!?
matty1
July 26, 2012 at 1:56 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I suspect
Carl Sagan (1996) “The Demon Haunted World”, 1997 Headline books edition ISBN 0 7472 5156 8
One problem is that 2% of the 1992 US population would be around 50 million not 15 but I suspect someone may have misheard along the chain.
raven
July 26, 2012 at 1:59 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@28
Moggie
July 26, 2012 at 3:04 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Or… well, let’s just say that when I saw the words “unleash Jesus”, I imagined the sound of a zipper.
matty1
July 26, 2012 at 3:08 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
D’oh, it appears I missed a decimal point, 2% of 254,994,517 is 5099890.34 or about 5 million, not 50.
On the other hand 15 million would fit quite well with the 5-6% cited by Raven.
Pierce R. Butler
July 26, 2012 at 3:18 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
raven @ # 30: … 2% of the 1992 US population would be around 50 million …
Twenty years ago there were two and a half billion Americans?
Either the 2010 census missed a lot of people, or the one-way alien-abduction rate has been even higher than your sources estimate.
Pierce R. Butler
July 26, 2012 at 3:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oops – apologies to raven; I was yanking Matty1′s chain about the arithmetic in # 30, but blew the timing as well as the attribution.
stubby
July 26, 2012 at 3:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s odd how “It’s Gods plan” only applies to stuff like shootings and tsunamis. When it comes to politics the wingnuts don’t seem to have much confidence that their god is in control.
fifthdentist
July 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think it’s a violation of law to let your Jesus off his leash. You’re also not supposed to feed them Jesus midnight or let them get wet.
wholething
July 26, 2012 at 7:35 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
They still have to take a pooper-scooper to clean up after him.
Or do they mean “unnail him”?
Abby Normal
July 26, 2012 at 9:53 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks Raven. It’s not a subject I’ve given much thought. I’m having trouble swallowing 5-6%. But I’ve been surprised by such thing before. I look forward to digging into the studies.
democommie
July 27, 2012 at 7:32 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Or… well, let’s just say that when I saw the words “unleash Jesus”, I imagined the sound of a zipper.”
I saw it as the title for a blashphemoporno.
I think that the CDC should stop worrying about curing other diseases until they cure KKKristianity.
matty1
July 27, 2012 at 8:44 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’d bear in mind that if the other studies resembled the one I cited, the 5-6% may be extrapolated from the number who reported ‘symptoms’ associated with alien abductions like missing chunks of memory or waking up and sensing a presence in the room. They may not actually be people who answered yes to “Have you been abducted by aliens?”