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Jun 25 2012

God Still Removing Hand of Protection

I wish the wingnuts would make up their minds. Has God already “lifted his hand of protection” from the United States, as many of them claim, or is he about to do so if we don’t do whatever they say we should do to prevent it? Here’s Joel Rosenberg making the latter claim.

How exactly can we tell whether God has or has not lifted his hand of protection from us? Every time something bad happens, the wingnuts claim it’s because God has done so. Maybe God suffers from multiple personality disorder.

25 comments

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  1. 1
    imrryr

    Perhaps He just has a lot of hands? I mean, He’s God after all. He can have as many hands as He damn well pleases!

  2. 2
    d cwilson

    God’s a Hecatonchire?

  3. 3
    Dr X

    Maybe God lifted his hand of protection, but we’re still his favoritest country in the whole, wide world.

  4. 4
    Larry

    Well, something is certainly allowing these fundy freakazoid zombie-worshipers to crawl out from underneath the rocks. Some sky fairy lifting its hands is just as good an explanation as anything else.

  5. 5
    savagemutt

    God has lifted his hand of protection over the eastern seaboard, but the midwest is still under his benevolent oversight. This will change as a high pressure evil system moves down from Canada.

    In the long-term forecast, expect plagues of frogs and locusts, and for you astronomy buffs, this weekend will offer a great view of the moon turning red with blood.

    Back to you, Katie.

  6. 6
    MikeMa

    God’s protection clearly isn’t worth shit. At no time in all of human history has there not been strife, evil and misfortune. How you perceive things just depends on if you are the giver or the receiver of that evil, lucky or unlucky.

    Human manipulative bullshit masquerading as god. Or the devil.

  7. 7
    otrame

    Reminds me of several years ago. When I commented somewhere (I no longer remember where) that I hoped the Joel Rosnberg that had said some creationist bullshit being discussed was not the Joel Rosenberg who had written a lot of good SF/Fantasy books, including 2 that I really loved. I got a response from the author I liked saying that no, he was not the Joel Rosenberg we had been discussing, though he wished his sales were as good. It was a nice email and tickled the hell out of me and my eldest son, who is a big fan.

  8. 8
    Johnny Vector

    Perhaps He just has a lot of hands? I mean, He’s God after all. He can have as many hands as He damn well pleases!

    Ah, that’s it. God is a genie, played by Robin Williams! “I can lift your protection here, here, here, here, here, here, everywhere!”

  9. 9
    Randomfactor

    No, my friends, god’s hand job is not yet reached its climax.

  10. 10
    dingojack

    Johnny Vector – So… god also played a lonely, nearly mute serial killer, a weeping robot, a metally ill guy who thinks he recovering the Holy Grail, several unconventional doctors, a unconventional teacher, a cross-dressing VO guy who wants to look after his kids and a guy who serves Gutemalian soup in bowls with greek boy ‘playing hopscotch?
    No wonder he’s confused.
    :) Dingo

  11. 11
    slc1

    Re Otreme @ #7

    Joel C. Rosenberg is a member of the McLean Bible Church, which, I suppose that Heath would consider a Christian church, despite some rather arcane beliefs, and is a total nutcase. He is a novelist and has written a number of simply awful novels based on the belief that the end of the world is nigh. Mr. Rosenberg almost makes L. Ron Hubbard look sane, a very difficult undertaking.

    I once made the mistake of checking out one of his novels from the library and only got about 1/4 of the way through it before giving up. What a pile of crap!

  12. 12
    wscott

    Is this another one of those “Can God make a rock so heavy he can’t lift it” thing?

    otrame: I had always assumed fantasy-Rosenberg and Christionist-Rosernberg were two different people, but good to have confirmation!

  13. 13
    Artor

    It’s His pimp hand. When he lifts it, he’s getting ready to smack a biatch. Look out!!!

  14. 14
    otrame

    @11

    Yeah, I know that now. The other Joel Rosenberg does not use a middle initial and writes fun, fairly light, fantasy.

  15. 15
    sunsangnim

    I love the bit at the end. The US isn’t in scripture, so it will decline as we enter the period of judgment (I thought god was judging us all the time?). So Israel, Russia, and Iran will “take center stage.” Where the fuck is Russia in the bible? Do christians ever read the bible?

  16. 16
    andrew

    God’s hand of protection is wanking America off.

  17. 17
    andrew

    also: the Christian singles ads that show up in the RSS feed are to die for.

  18. 18
    John Hinkle

    How does the Hand of Protection work? If someone desired to enter a building to perform a nefarious act, does a big honkin’ Hand prevent him from entering? If someone wanted to build an explosive device, does he suddenly get crippling arthritis? If someone wanted to fleece thousands of gullible people, does the Hand fuck up his mouth so he speaks in tongues?
     
    Oh wait, that last one must be the Hand of Separation.

  19. 19
    tacitus

    Where the fuck is Russia in the bible?

    They usually refer to a verse in Ezekiel that mentions the “Gog of the land of Magog, the prince of Rosh,” with Rosh supposedly suspiciously similar to the old name for Russians, Rus.

    Of course, the name Rus comes from the Middle Ages, and probably derives from the name given to the Vikings from Sweden who established themselves in Russia at the time.

    But I guess Sweden doesn’t evoke the same chill of fear that the Russians do these days…

  20. 20
    tacitus

    Speaking of Sweden, a nation that embodies just about all that is deemed evil by American conservative Christians–atheistic and socialistic, high taxes, gay marriage, abortion on demand, lots of government welfare, etc.

    I find it endlessly amusing that the religious right are constantly banging on about how terrible God’s judgement will be on America if we ever do a fraction of the stuff that’s the accepted way of life in places like Sweden, Norway, and Denmark, and yet He seems to be quite happy to give the Scandinavians a free pass.

    Indeed, given the way in which those nations have bounced back from the recent economic crisis, one would easily think that they were the basking in the glory of God’s favor.

    Of course, when you point this out to them, all they do is mutter darkly about the forthcoming European Caliphate and God staying his hand until the time is right, but really, they’ve got nothing.

  21. 21
    jnorris

    Ed wrote: Every time something bad happens, the wingnuts claim it’s because God has done so. Maybe God suffers from multiple personality disorder.

    No, I think this god has Parkinson’s and can’t control his hands without the medication he can’t afford and Rush Limbaugh laughs at.

  22. 22
    ArtK

    @ tacitus

    Given how the fundies like to claim that when bad things happen to good/innocent people it’s “part of God’s mysterious plan,” perhaps He has removed his hand from Sweden, et. al. They’re doing much better because He’s left them alone.

    God’s like the klutz at work who can’t do anything right. Everybody cringes when He says “I’ll take care of it!”

  23. 23
    mithrandir

    Maybe he’s applied his hand of protection too recently and we still have Forbearance?

    (WoW joke, don’t mind me.)

  24. 24
    birgerjohansson

    “But I guess Sweden doesn’t evoke the same chill of fear that the Russians do these days…”

    No, we only have the Swedish chef, and that twitter woman who got Colbert interesting in starting “operation artificial Swedener”.
    But some of your scary politicians are third- or fourth-generation Swedish immigrants. I apologise for the existence of Norquist et al.
    (wossname that 98 year-old senator with a past as a white supremacist who had a child by a 15-year old black maid? )

  25. 25
    joedelaney

    Clearly, God’s playing peek-a-boo with these assholes.

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