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Jun 22 2012

This Is a Poe, Right?

In Michigan we have a saying that demonstrates the general hatred for all things Ohio State: A buckeye ain’t nothing but a hairless nut. But it turns out that it’s actually a bisexual hairless nut, leading one aggrieved Ohio resident to demand that it be replaced. I really hope this is meant to be satirical:

Something in the “Just Ask” column (Page A3, May 29) disturbed me. According to the column, “the Ohio buckeye, Aesculus glabra, bears flowers with both male and female organs on the same tree. It is a monoecious species.”

I couldn’t believe this, so I did some research and, sure enough, a science website (forestry.about.com) states that “the Ohio buckeye is polygamo-monoecious, bearing both bisexual and male flowers.”

The buckeye is our state tree and most of us gladly wear the nickname, “buckeyes.” But it is shameful and unacceptable that a bisexual tree should represent us! We are flaunting the Holy Bible!

I urge everyone to contact their state representative and demand legislation removing the buckeye as our state tree and condemning the use of the term “buckeye” as a nickname for residents of Ohio.

Does anyone know if carnations are bisexual?

Jim Flechtner Findlay

It’s gotta be a Poe, right?

27 comments

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  1. 1
    Gregory in Seattle

    The problem with a Poe is that you just can’t tell. That is kind of what it means to be a Poe.

  2. 2
    bubba707

    It about has to be a poe. It’s well written, the spelling is good and there is no random use of capital letters therefore it has to be a poe.

  3. 3
    ajb47

    I think there are two clues that lead to a Poe conclusion. The last line about carnations, and the checking a “science website”.

  4. 4
  5. 5
    Scr... Archivist

    The letter does make one obvious mistake. It uses “flaunting” when the author (if serious) intended to use “flouting”. But the mistake also makes a true statement when you think about it.

  6. 6
    MikeMa

    A poe for certain anywhere outside the US. Oh, wait…

  7. 7
    Greg Laden

    I hope so because the number of plants that are bisexual is rather large. They tend to be showy and are often given to mom on mother’s day and are never far during weddings. The apple, from which Apple Pie is made, is bisexual. The wheat from which a Eucharist is made and the grapes from which the wine transformed to the blood of christ are bisexual. The flowers of the plant that produces the paper on which our money, printed with “In God We Trust” are NOT bisexual. But it is cannabis. And a given plant may have either male or female flowers. So that’s kinky too.

    Oh, and yeast, from which beer is made? OMG. Let’s not get started on yeast family values.

  8. 8
    d cwilson

    bubba707:

    Yeah, that was the tipoff for me, too. Sentence structure is way too coherent to be a real wingnut screed.

  9. 9
    rork

    Looks like satire. Not too bad either.
    Next, let’s quit this anti-Ohio crap.
    Carnations, and I think all in genus Dianthus, have perfect flowers. Is there a joke in there I don’t get? Perhaps pointing at Christian legends about it?

  10. 10
    Christoph Burschka

    We are flaunting the Holy Bible!

    Yes, yes you are.

    (That alone betrays the hoax…)

  11. 11
    dingojack

    Oh Noes!!!

    “Carnations have both male and female reproductive parts. Together they are called the gynoecium, which consists of ovules, an ovary, a style, and a stigma. The stigma picks up pollen, which is then carried down the style to the ovary”.*

    Dingo
    —–
    * Read more: Flower Structure of a Carnation | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/facts_5846010_flower-structure-carnation.html#ixzz1yWqas3iY

  12. 12
    DaveL

    The fact the author could spell and understand words like “monoecious” was a dead giveaway that this was satire.

  13. 13
    CT Chimako.27

    Oh, and yeast, from which beer is made? OMG

    mmmmmmmmmm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaasssssst

  14. 14
    eric

    Great satire. Glad to see it printed, and I’m especially glad the local paper knowingly prints good satire. (I draw that conclusion because the author says this isn’t the first time he’s written satirical letters to the editor).

  15. 15
    stuartsmith

    Bisexuality is the problem? Come on, the way plants reproduce is seriously creepy. It’s like if humans put out food for stray animals, and then the males masturbated on their backs and the women rode around on them to get pregnant. How is that not disgusting? Not only that, but trees are constantly spraying sperm all over everyone who walks by!

    I say burn all plants now.

  16. 16
    Captain Mike

    I’m with stuartsmith. Everything about the way plants fuck is creepy as hell.

    Even creepier is how we often cut off their sexual organs and give them to each other as gifts.

  17. 17
    Gregory in Seattle

    @stuartsmith – You reminded me of a story, written by a Wiccan men’s circle, about a trickster god known for his enormous sexual appetite. The story is about how he spent a whole year transformed as an oak tree because he fell in love with another oak tree and wanted to cross-pollinate like rabbits in spring.

  18. 18
    dingojack

    Captain Mike – You think that’s bad. Think of sexual parts of fungi.
    Lightly sauted mushrooms in butter anyone?
    Dingo

  19. 19
    Big Boppa

    stuartsmith @15

    I’m with you. In the north woods of Wisconsin the white pines are pollinating right now. Everything is covered with sticky, yellow tree bukkake.

  20. 20
    iknklast

    The eastern red cedar has flowers that are one sex. Not only that, they decorously live on separate trees. Maybe Ohio should try that?

    Glad to hear it’s a hoax. I’d hate to see the wing nuts try to ban Botany because so many flowers are perfect (contain both male and female sexual characteristics). Don’t get onto me about the definition of perfect – I didn’t invent it.

  21. 21
    Alareth

    I remember as a child being told that Persimmon trees came in male and female and thinking that it was odd because I’d never heard of a plant having separate genders like that.

  22. 22
    MikeMa

    The key to a poe’s success, beyond our meager speculation, is how many nuts (or acorns) fell for it. Any support from the local loons?

  23. 23
    Michael Heath

    We enjoy the view out of our breakfast nook, with a nearby Red Horse-Chestnut tree attracting hummingbirds. This tree is a hybrid of Red Buckeye and Horse Chestnut tree. So I’ll now ponder the implications of cross-breeding bisexuals.

  24. 24
    richardelguru

    You can’t really blame the poor buggers. I mean there you are, a randy young guy tree and over there in that coppice across the street is a group of giggling (and, as it turns out, rather attractive) lady trees, so you think (in your tree-like way):

    “Hey! Let’s saunter across the street and try out the old ‘Hey-y! How you doin’?’ and see where, or possibly what, it gets me. So it’s up roots and at ‘em!—it’s up roots—it’s up roots… it–it’s up… it’s… Oh! Sod it!!”

    And there you have it! And as a direct consequence of the tree’s inability to uproot itself and consummate its lust I, not to mention a considerable cross-section of the general population, must suffer, and gaze at the world through caked, blood-crazed eyes and an antihistamine fog, that makes the sixties look like step twelve of a really successful rehab programme

  25. 25
    jaxkayaker

    “Carnations have both male and female reproductive parts. Together they are called the gynoecium, which consists of ovules, an ovary, a style, and a stigma. The stigma picks up pollen, which is then carried down the style to the ovary”.

    That’s confusingly written. The female parts collectively are called the gynoecium, from gyno-, “female”, and oikos, “house”. The units of the gynoecium are called the pistils, each of which is comprised of a stigma, style and ovary. The male parts collectively are called the androecium, “male house”, the units of which are stamens; each stamen is comprised of a filament and an anther. Perfect flowers possess both an androecium and gynoecium. Complete flowers are perfect flowers which also possess a corolla of petals and a calyx of sepals.

  26. 26
    davroslives

    Even if it weren’t a Poe, the guy would be crazy even beyond the obvious. We Ohio State fans freak out when they don’t put a grey stripe on the sleeves of the new football uniforms. Now try to imagine changing the mascot. Yeah.

    Also, note that buckeyes are poisonous. We are, as some say, “Killer Nuts”

  27. 27
    rbh3

    It’s a shame it’s a Poe, ’cause it would have been fodder for endless needling of Tara Smith who’s originally from Findlay. :)

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