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Jun 14 2012

Dollar Blames Satan for Arrest

Televangelist Creflo Dollar says that the devil is behind his arrest for allegedly choking his daughter, and it’s all because he wants to stop “this message of grace” that Dollar promotes — i.e. the prosperity gospel fraud that God will deliver blessings to those who send money to Dollar. And look, he may well be innocent. We know nothing at this point other than that he’s been charged. He still has the legal presumption of innocence and he’ll get a full trial, if he doesn’t cop a plea, in which his well-paid attorneys will defend him vigorously. But it’s entirely predictable that he would turn that arrest into an attack on him and his warped theology.

26 comments

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  1. 1
    Gregory in Seattle

    There is something terribly, terribly funny about a Talibangelical preacher named Dollar who promotes the prosperity gospel.

    “There is no god but Mammon, and Dollar is His profit.”

  2. 2
    Draken

    But it’s entirely predictable that he would turn that arrest into an attack on him and his warped theology.

    Is there non-warped theology?

  3. 3
    Alverant

    So he’s saying the devil put the bruises on his daughter’s neck? Well let’s arrest Satan then. He can have a jury of his peers like Sauron, Darth Sidious, Unicron, Thanos, Darkseid, etc.

  4. 4
    matty1

    Is there non-warped theology?

    Not really but some theologies (like the Catholics or Orthodox Jews) have a level of complexity and at least some nod towards internal consistency that may make it harder for a casual observer to spot the bullshit.

    The fruit and nut fringe of Protestantism by contrasts tends to a make it up as you go along approach, which I at any rate find more transparent in its stupidity.

  5. 5
    Childermass

  6. 6
    Kamaka

    But… but, the devil made me do it.

  7. 7
    aaronbaker

    He still has the legal presumption of innocence . . . .

    I’m afraid you’ve forgotten the scumbag presumption of guilt.

  8. 8
    Who Knows?

    @ Kamaka, I was going to ask if anyone remembered Flip Wilson. :)

  9. 9
    tommykey

    The “devil” is always a convenient excuse for these people.

    About 5 years ago here on Long Island where I live, there was a guy named Santhosh Paul, who was very involved with a local Pentecostalist church, who was filmed telling an undercover police officer to kill his wife.

    One of the guy’s fellow congregant’s was quoted as saying something along the lines that Satan focuses his attacks more on people who are extra religious.

    Also, amazingly about this case, despite watching and listening to the video, the guy’s wife refused to believe it and claimed he was being set up.

  10. 10
    totallyunspooled

    There were probably demons involved, too.

  11. 11
    thalwen

    Well of course it’s the devil, the devil made his daughter act like a normal teenager, the devil made the police arrest him for a non-crime of strangling one’s property and the devil made the news media cover the story because the devil isn’t fond of a guy running a multi-million dollar scam.

    I find it curious that the devil causes disease, natural disasters, makes people get drunk, commit crimes and cheat on their spouses. Yet, the supposedly omnipotent god’s powers don’t seem to reach beyond winning sports games and music awards (except for when he causes natural disasters and disease.. y’know, for lulz).

  12. 12
    dean

    “Dollar Blames Satan for Arrest”

    Note to the pastor:
    When your actions are so bad even Satan is disgusted and reports you, perhaps it’s time for a little self-reflection.
    Just sayin’.

  13. 13
    thisisaturingtest

    So he’s blaming the devil for the arrest, not his actions that led to it? That is so typical of this type of christianity- blame the devil for the bad (and absolve yourself of any personal responsibility for it), and give all credit for the good to god, and relieve yourself of any sense that it all might just be up to you. And, my gosh, just look at the number of people in that audience, lapping it up and cheering it on! I guess that message is a comfort to them, too, in their dreary little personal lives- “it’s all up to god, brothers and sisters! Oh, and here comes the collection plate! Dig deep and help me out of this mess the devil got me in!”

  14. 14
    Sastra

    The whole idea of “spiritual warfare” — angels and demons hovering unseen behind the faithful and helping, hindering, applauding, and condemning everything they do — seems like narcissism taken to a new level.

    Demon put a dandelion in my garden and hid the weeder, but an angel broke his spell and whispered a reminder that I left it on the backyard swing and then cheered as I once again triumphed against Satan and pulled that dandelion up IN YOUR FACE SATAN!

    Does Dollar really think his problems have such cosmic significance?

  15. 15
    Who Knows?

    It’s not as much against me as it is this message of grace.

    Ah, the message of grace that says you choke your daughter out when she disobeys you. I guess it’s not as bad as an eternity in hell.

  16. 16
    caseloweraz

    Some anagrams for “Creflo Dollar”:

    Lo, droll farce.
    All err Of clod,
    Or lad for cell?

  17. 17
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    “Dollar Blames Satan for Arrest”

    Note to the pastor:
    When your actions are so bad even Satan is disgusted and reports you, perhaps it’s time for a little self-reflection.
    Just sayin’.

    Thread won.

  18. 18
    Raging Bee

    dean @12 wins this tube!

    I find it curious that the devil causes disease, natural disasters, makes people get drunk, commit crimes and cheat on their spouses.

    I find it both sad and creepy that — according to all those exorcism movies at least — the Devil wastes so much time posessing dirt-poor ignorant shmoes, and teenagers who have no power over anyone, but can’t seem to get past rich people’s security to make them do REALLY destructive things, like make millions of people’s savings disappear or destroy huge chunks of God’s creation with toxic-waste spills. What good is a Devil who only preys on powerless people?

    Maybe it has something to do with the whole “Devil” schtick being made up for ignorant sheeple who have already been conditioned never to question anything their “betters” do. God forbid any of those brave local exorcists should have to go up against someone with real power…

  19. 19
    Homo Straminus

    “I… ….AM UNICRON…”

    Unicron needs more love!

  20. 20
    timgueguen

    Funny how the Devil is wasting his time on a minor leaguer like this when he oculd be going after the Pope or Franklin Graham.

  21. 21
    Wowbagger, Designated Snarker

    I really wish that when interviews led to someone claiming Satan was involved, the interview would actually follow that up by asking them to describe how we can distinguish between acts Satan has inspired and those just committed by regular, everyday assholes.

  22. 22
    dingojack

    DOLlAR BLAMES SATAN FOR ARREST
    SATAN BLAMES POLICE FOR ARREST;
    POLICE BLAMES DOLLAR FOR ARREST! *

    FTFY!

    Dingo
    —–
    * Who actually arrested Mr Dollar, who (allegedly) choked their own daughter prompting an arrest?

  23. 23
    dingojack

    Homo Straminus (#19) – I thought Mittens was really UNICRON.
    I mean, has anyone seen his actual original vault (or long) form of his birth certificate (not his ‘certificate of live birth’ since everyone knows they are not the same thing)?
    The documents presented a obviously fakes, they’re two dimensional and only printed on one side for a start…
    Paging Orly Taitz, paging Orly Taitz, Orly Taitz to the white courtesy phone please!
    Dingo

  24. 24
    matty1

    I find it both sad and creepy that — according to all those exorcism movies at least — the Devil wastes so much time posessing dirt-poor ignorant shmoes, and teenagers who have no power over anyone, but can’t seem to get past rich people’s security to make them do REALLY destructive things, like make millions of people’s savings disappear or destroy huge chunks of God’s creation with toxic-waste spills.

    Clearly the Occupy people need to start carrying out exorcisms.

  25. 25
    brettsaunders

    The image of Unicron in a jury box did a lot to cheer me up after watching this. Thank you.

  26. 26
    brettsaunders

    I clearly don’t understand how the blockquote works. That was @Alverant from post 5.

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