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May 26 2012

How Many Hands Does God Have?

One of the familiar and idiotic claims we see from the religious right is that God is “lifting his hand of protection” from America for … well, fill in the blank — homosexuality, abortion, feminism, you name it. In fact, we heard it during the founding period from ministers warning against the passage of the Constitution, which they viewed as a godless document. Here’s Gary Bauer’s version:

Bauer: As a society I think if we continue down this road of the destruction of a million innocent unborn children over a year we really do risk God taking His hand of protection off of our country. That would be tragic; it could very well mean the end of the American experiment in liberty under God. I always look at that issue, if somebody is wrong on that, they might be right on taxes, the size of government, national defense and so forth but if they are wrong on this I have found over the years that they end up in many cases being unreliable on those other things. So I would recommend that as being key.

Second of all this issue about the definition of marriage, marriage has been between a man and a woman in Western civilization for several thousand years, every state that has voted on this issue wants to keep it a man and a woman, but there is absolutely no doubt that if the wrong people are elected or re-elected this coming November we are going to have forced on us either by the courts or by these politicians a fundamental redefinition of the meaning of marriage, which I think would have just devastating impacts on our society…

Once we get a court ruling from a Supreme Court that says that under some provision in the Constitution that we’ve never thought authorized this we’d have to allow same-sex marriage, there would be no constitutional grounds that that court could say we’re going to keep illegal multiple marriages or group marriages or polygamy or a variety of other types of marriage that exist in other parts of the world and increasingly exist in Western countries in Europe where there are large Muslim populations, so this will follow as surely as night follows day. Anybody that thinks it will stop just with same-sex marriage either doesn’t understand the law or doesn’t understand that demands of secular forces that want to redefine American society.

How many hands does God have? Maybe the Hindus have it right with that deity with all the arms. Every few months it seems he’s “lifting his hand” or preparing to lift a hand, and always over whatever makes the wingnuts unhappy.

30 comments

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  1. 1
    Michael Heath

    It’s a relatively safe and obvious prediction that conservative Christians who predominately deny the fact of climate change and science predicts for the future will eventually:
    1) have to concede the planet is warming,
    2) that this has increased human suffering, and
    3) that’s this looming catastrophe was because God lifted his hand of protection because Americans in general failed to sufficiently hate and persecute the people they hate and seek to persecute.

    What we can’t predict with confidence is the total set of groups they’ll hate and blame the negative effects of global warming on; that’s dependent on how long they continue to deny the fact of human-caused global warming. If they conceded this reality soon than the list would most likely include certain uppity black people, uppity women, pointy-headed liberals who make fun of Sarah Palin and expect to understand economics and science, Muslims – especially those from oil rich states, gays, and atheists. I’m sure they’d get creative after their concession and come up more sets based on wingnut explanations – like Al Gore and climate scientists like James Hansen since that would satisfy their need to psychologically project.

  2. 2
    raven

    I suppose god has as many hands as he wants, being all powerful.

    Jesus had as many as 18 penises. That is how many of Jesus’s foreskins were in Catholic churches during the middle ages and past that time.

    Well, Jesus is god and it is his body to shape any way he wants. It’s not known if he had any vaginas to keep those penises company.

    wikipedia:

    According to the author David Farley, “Depending on what you read, there were eight, twelve, fourteen, or even 18 different holy foreskins in various European towns during the Middle Ages.”[6]

  3. 3
    dingojack

    Raven – don’t forget the rings of Saturn. Hoo boy was Jesus well hung or what, no wonder he appears in so many crappy ’70′s porn movies as pool boys, gardeners and the like (or so I’m told). :)
    Dingo

  4. 4
    The Gregarious Misanthrope

    @raven

    Well, since the Catholic church thinks muttering over a cracker turns it into the body of Christ, I suppose they could choose which part. Perhaps they could spice up communion by allowing you to choose. It could be all foreskin all the time.

    @MH

    I look forward to Palin’s new show in 10 years: Sarah Palin’s Tropical Alaska. Maybe she can take 10 shots to take a coconut off a palm tree in Juneau. I think I’m going to have to register that domain name, I sense comedy gold.

  5. 5
    D. C. Sessions

    Well, we can put an upper bound on the number of hands:

    Not enough to cover the Bible Belt during tornado season.

  6. 6
    raven

    Well, we can put an upper bound on the number of hands:

    Not enough to cover the Bible Belt during tornado season.

    God is all powerful. It’s more likely that he hates fundie xians.

  7. 7
    Nemo

    every state that has voted on this issue wants to keep it a man and a woman

    I’m proud to say that Maryland is going to blow this talking point away.

  8. 8
    Rip Steakface

    @Nemo

    Similarly, I hope to be able to say the same thing about Washington, come November.

  9. 9
    John Hinkle

    If God wasn’t high fivin’ Tebow so much, this country would be 100% protected.

  10. 10
    lanir

    Well, it’s really pretty simple. God really is the worst sort of social butterfly. No matter where you go, His busybody ass has been there yapping at everyone. And He apparently never so much as opens his mouth except to say exactly what the person He’s talking to wants to hear.

    With a deity like that it’s no wonder so many of them want to elect Romney.

    Side note: If He keeps lifting away all these hands, what’s He doing with them afterward and do I want to know? Cosmic one handed typing might explain a lot of screw-ups…

  11. 11
    Brony

    How many hands does God have? Maybe the Hindus have it right with that deity with all the arms. Every few months it seems he’s “lifting his hand” or preparing to lift a hand, and always over whatever makes the wingnuts unhappy.

    Maybe we can just call this “A metaphor to nowhere”.

  12. 12
    feralboy12

    Maybe God’s just lifting his leg.

  13. 13
    mikmik

    @ dingojack, supposing Jesus was a virgin and hand-led it in the usual manner, he must have inherited a very big hand from his dad, man.

    Anyways, the one culprit that the fundie-cons will never consider is, ironically, themselves, the authors of all the destruction.

  14. 14
    throwaway

    What I find almost as appalling is the conclusion that “Constitutionalizing” gay marriages is a slippery slope to another, far more dire outcome, i.e. those damn Muslims and Mormons being able to practice polygamy! Allah bin Kolob! An appeal to xenophobia to reinforce homophobia… fuck this dood.

  15. 15
    llewelly

    Every few months it seems he’s “lifting his hand” or preparing to lift a hand, and always over whatever makes the wingnuts unhappy.

    It’s all a big handwave.

  16. 16
    slc1

    Re Michael Heath @ #1

    Gary Bauer is the same nutcase who claimed, at the end of Ronnie the rat’s administration, that women who had abortions suffered mental problems in the aftermath far more severe then women who carried their fetuses to birth. He demanded that then Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop investigate his claim. Dr. Koop, who was notoriously anti-abortion, indeed did conduct an investigation and reported that he found no evidence supporting the claim. Of course, Bauer then proceeded to conduct a smear campaign against Koop, accusing him of secretly being pro-choice. That’s a textbook example of the anti-scientific thinking of religious whackjobs like Bauer, whose minds are made up and to whom the facts are irrelevant.

  17. 17
    Ichthyic

    we heard it during the founding period from ministers warning against the passage of the Constitution

    religion, holding humanity back for millenia.

  18. 18
    Randomfactor

    Doesn’t matter how many hands he has, he hasn’t won a pot in hundreds of years, at least.

  19. 19
    robert79

    “every state that has voted on this issue wants to keep it a man and a woman”

    is this true? if so, the US is worse off than I thought…

  20. 20
    Aliasalpha

    “liberty under God”? You’re free whilst still under the thumb of a tyrant?

    Oh no, these aren’t battery chickens, that’s inhumane! Look at their cages, if they spread their wings out they can only JUST touch the sides and we even keep the window open a crack so they don’t suffocate. Why they’re practically free range!

  21. 21
    sunsangnim

    When children are starving in Africa, he doesn’t lift a finger. But then again, those kids don’t live in God’s favorite country, so fuck ‘em.

  22. 22
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    How many hands does god have?

    Which god?

    Some of those Hindu dieties have plenty!

    Vaguely recall one of the Titans in the ancient Greek pantheon had a hundred hands (or was that eyes?)

    OTOH, the Aztec’s feathered serpent was pretty limbless except for wings -which I guess kinda count maybe & the Abrahimic god is sorta all amorphous, invisible, vague and everywhere and thus either has no hands at all or everyone’s hands at his / their mercy!

  23. 23
    spamamander, internet amphibian

    @8

    With any luck, Washington will show them by not even having enough signatures to get Ref 71 on the ballot to begin with. If it does happen- it would be lovely to watch it get voted down and take the smug-ass grins off the homophobes’ faces.

  24. 24
    democommie

    How many hands does GOD have? Whatever the number, he needs one more to bitchslap Bauer.

    I gotta a sortaZen question.

    What is the sound of one hand, thunderclapping?

  25. 25
    puppygod

    Vaguely recall one of the Titans in the ancient Greek pantheon had a hundred hands (or was that eyes?)

    The guys with hundred hands were sons of Gaia and Uranus called Hekatonkheires. There were several of them.

    The guy with hundred eyes was Argus.

  26. 26
    Dr X

    SLC,

    Some friends worked on a large abortion research project that became part of their dissertation work. They found about 1 in 5 women, post-abortion, meeting the criteria for PTSD within six months following abortion.

    It can be difficult to wade through all the religio-claptrap on the subject, because the evango-wingnuts and the Catholic church has a collective orgasm every time they can construe and publicize study findings to support the contention that there is a high rate of PTSD post-abortion. They ignore the 5-25% rates of post-partum depression among mothers who deliver children. And in that regard, they don’t compare resource comparable groups. For example, low-resource mothers who have children suffer much higher rates of post-partum depression than those mothers who are well situated to have children–a group that is also less likely to seek abortion. Another comparison they assiduously avoid is the astronomical rate of post-adoption depression suffered by mothers who give up babies for adoption. I’ve seen wide ranging estimates, but the rates of diagnosable disorder are consistently higher among post adoption mothers compared to post-abortion women. Don’t expect “counselors” at the wingnut ” pregnancy counseling” centers to reveal that little bit of information during their counseling centers scare-a-thons with frightened young women who’ve been duped into seeking counseling after reading their dishonest advertising online.

    To be fair though, my friends who did research in this area, all of them pro-choicers, found a great deal of resistance to an honest accounting both on the pro-life side and the pro-choice side.

  27. 27
    Michael Heath

    Dr. X,

    Thanks for informing us. One additional reason for post-abortion depression could be equivalent to why we observe more young gay people suffering as well – because of the persecution they face within our culture.

  28. 28
    lordshipmayhem

    God only has the one hand. He’s bluffing with a pair of threes.

  29. 29
    slc1

    Re Doctor X @ #26

    Let’s remember that Dr. Koop did his review of the technical literature 24 years ago. I’m sure that there is a lot more information available on these subjects now then there was then.

    However, the bottom line here is that the Gary Bauers of the world aren’t interested in the facts, or at least the facts that don’t support their position. In this regard, they differ not at all with the climate change deniers, the evolution deniers, HIV/AIDS deniers, the CFC/ozone depletion deniers, the lung cancer/cigarette smoking deniers, etc.

    It is interesting to note that the Bauer reaction to Koop’s study is almost identical to Anthony Watt’s reaction to Muller’s climate change study, namely bad mouth the messenger for coming up with a conclusion not to their liking.

  30. 30
    dingojack

    “… on the other hand…” – GOD
    :) Dingo

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