I’m not sure how the existence of an online test to tell whether you’re possessed by a demon, especially one owned by Christian fraud Bob Larson, has escaped my attention. But this is funny stuff. Yes, for the low price of $9.95, you can find out if are demon-possessed.
Taking the Demon Test® may be the most important spiritual decision you make. This Test is the result of more than 30 years of research and thousands of hours in personal ministry with troubled souls. Through this vast experience we have been able to design this test so that we may quickly determine an individual’s spiritual condition.
If you are concerned about your test score, we highly recommend that you schedule personal one-on-one time with Bob Larson. You may choose a one-hour Encounter Session or a full or half-day Intensive Session. These sessions are held during Bob’s on-the-road seminars (please click here to review Bob’s current schedule) or at our Center for Spiritual Freedom in Phoenix Arizona.
In one hour you can begin living the life you’ve always wanted. Let Bob Larson, the man who has dealt with more demons than anyone on the planet, show you how to overcome every obstacle of every day. Stop the cycles of failure, poverty and sickness. Break family curses at the ROOT! Discover why you are the way you are and immediately change destructive habits. If you have demons, you’ll be delivered. If you have issues, they’ll be uncovered. If you have infirmities, the healing will begin. No pastor, priest, or counselor has dwelt with more spiritually bound people sad seen them set free. This isn’t counseling. This isn’t therapy. This is intervention to get answers NOW! Your lifetime of suffering can end. Your torment can stop. The job you need, the relationships you desire will be within your reach. The choice is simple–stay stuck or move on to spiritual fulfillment and success in every area of life. Get free, stay free, and live free!
If you’re laughing right now, you’re obviously possessed by the demon of rationality. Prepare to have your laughter enhanced. Rob Tisinai decided to take the test. And he came up demon-free:
So here’s the result: I don’t have a demon. Seriously. Rob Tisinai, confirmed homosexual, gay blogger, not a Believer an any conventional sort of diety, one of the officially designated “homomafioso of Queer, Incorporated who oversee the image of Faggotry love.” And I don’t have a demon…
I answered the questions honestly and came back at “low risk for demonic oppression/possession.” I experimented a bit, and realized that to get a high-risk diagnosis, I’d have to be so effed-up that I wouldn’t be capable of clicking a mouse. I began to suspect the test is rigged to reassure people that they’re okay. Where’s the angle in that? I wondered. But if the best advertising is word-of-mouth, then you might want to let people brag: I don’t have a demon; the test told me so. I’m not sure about you. And that’s when I realized:
This test was written by a demon.
Perhaps I’m too much under the influence of slacktivist and C.S. Lewis, but I think one of the best strategies for ruining a soul and sending it to Hell would be to make a person smugly secure of their own salvation.
He’s got a point. If anyone qualifies to be called a demon, it’s Bob Larson, a con man getting rich by fleecing the stupid and the desperate. And the very first comment at Rob’s blog is hilarious too:
The only logical conclusion that I can come to in regards to your article is that you are a very good candidate for demonic possession. If you are not possessed, your writings certainly prove that you are heavily influenced by one or more diabolical spirits.
I am not taking up a for Bob Larson, I think he is as misguided as you are. Most possessed people frame the subject in a way that comes off as outside looking in and they are ususally the last to know. Many never know until they take their last breath on earth and breath their first sulfur and smoke filled breath in hel for eternity and for what? Not accepting that we are fallen souls and that Jesus Christ died so that we could live, all we have to do is accept that love and sacrifice.You hate Christians because you have the same God “sized” hole in your soul and spirit as Christian had. The only difference is that our God sized hole is now filled with the love and assurance of our eternal relationship with our Heavenly Father in Heaven and your rejection of the loving sacrifice that Jesus gave for you as well has filled with anxiety, hopelessness and hate. You can throw all that you want to into that hole and no matter what you do there is absolutely nothing that can fill that void but the indwelling of the Holy Spirit of the Living God Jehovah. God designed us Himself with that hole to draw us to Him. We are all drawn at some point in our lives. If you do not choose Him then you reject Him. It is as simple as that. I will pray for you, it is not too late.
To which Rob replied, “Thanks for the comment JK. Have you ever considered that you’re being hateful to me when you falsely accuse me of hating Christians?” I would have replied a bit differently. I would have asked, “Have you considered that you’re a first class fucking moron?”
34 comments
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Homo Straminus
May 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What’s up with the (scare?) quotes around “sized”?
Brett McCoy
May 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I don’t need to a take a test to find that out, my mother-in-law was convinced for many years that I was!
Randomfactor
May 25, 2012 at 1:10 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This test was written by a demon.
It’s on the Interweb. That thing’s LOADED with daemons.
dingojack
May 25, 2012 at 1:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“You may choose a one-hour Encounter Session or a full or half-day Intensive Session…”
The one hour is known as the ‘Teddy Haggard’*, the half or full day is known as the ‘George Rekers’**
Dingo
—–
* train station toilet optional
** BYO luggage & industrial-grade KY
raven
May 25, 2012 at 1:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hey, that is not a problem.
I’m sure a fundie xian conperson will sell you a demon for a very reasonable price.
Some of them will do anything for money. BTW, make sure it is a real demon and not a Chinese made knockoff Fake Demon.
raven
May 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My first reaction was horror, like reaching under a rock and touching something slimey. OTOH, it’s good that fundies waste huge amounts of money on conpeople like Larson, the TBN Crouches, and all the other vaguely humanoid toad leaders. Money spent on jet planes, mansions, fine wine, pure drugs, or whatever they fancy is money not spent on trying to overthrow the US government or attacking science.
If any fundies are reading this, check your bank account. Send all of it to Bob Larson, the Crouches, Hagee, Parsley, etc.. They have expenses you know, not least of which is lots of bills from their lawyers.
justsomeguy
May 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This reminds me of the time I went to the local Scientology office for a free stress test (just for laughs, obviously). After a 10-minute audit, I found out I have a lot of serious problems that can only be solved through Scientology.
jasonfailes
May 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wait, what about all the people who have tried to fill the God “sized” hole in their soul with one or several variants on the Christian religion and come away with an unsatisfied, “Is it in yet?”
bobaho
May 25, 2012 at 1:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What about those of us who possess daemons? I am not possessed by a daemon, I am the one who possesses it, I call it my mailserver. (I also have a chron daemon to keep time and a few others to do some light housekeeping; mostly to assign local addresses to computers and watch out for spam.)
raven
May 25, 2012 at 1:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s your Thetan ghosts, thanks to Xenu, the Galactic Overlord and his project 70 million years ago.
They are expensive to get rid of, $50,000 or $100,000 IIRC.
You are better off with an exorcist. They are exactly as competent and charge less. Occasionally they do kill their clients, but that doesn’t happen that often so you should be OK.
anandine
May 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
We all have our demons to contend with. Larson’s problem is he thinks they are separate entities from outside us rather than aspects of our personality.
A second problem is his thinking this is always a bad thing. Much of literature comes from people scratching their demons and wiping the ooze onto the page.
Homo Straminus
May 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
bobaho–we of the unix system are already lost. Deus ex x11, et regexp, et ps axu|grep ‘soul’.
Brony
May 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh I have to see the questions!
I can see it now…
*they choose multiple choice answers to select Bible verses where of course they choose the right, and worst answers.
*Assign a weighting system that makes some issues more important than others.
Wait, who am I kidding! There is no way they are logical enough for the second one. It’s all black and white. I was raised by this culture people and I read neurobiology for fun.
Stupid morals…
Kaoru Negisa
May 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m pretty certain that commenter has a reason-sized hole in their brain. And it, too, seems to be stuffed with Jesus.
That being said, I’m not sure whether to be amused or angry. On one hand, I’m angry whenever I see conmen get away with things like this. On the other hand, that people keep going there, at least enough to justify its continued existence, I can’t help but have very little sympathy for them. Which probably says a lot more about me than it does about anyone else, and that’s worry-some.
Damnit, Bob Larson has ruined my day!
tfkreference
May 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
For almost 20 years we’ve all been possessed by a powerful demon with an unpronounceable name: http
Emptyell
May 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
But how do you make sure you stay demon free? Do they have a subscription service?
It seems they are missing the real opportunity for the ultimate (demon) killer app. Continuous soul guard protection could be provided by a key logger that would monitor for the early signs of impure and/or rational thoughts. Having access to all your account and password information would also greatly simplify tithing thus ensuring total righteousness.
d cwilson
May 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Better make sure you get the continuous upgrade package. People are always coming up with new demons that the older versions can’t recognize.
Marcus Ranum
May 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My ex-girlfriend qualifies as a demon, I am pretty sure.
Neil Rickert
May 25, 2012 at 3:53 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Here’s how it works. If you are dumb enough to fork over that $9.95, then you are possessed by the stupidity demon.
twincats
May 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Yeah, my first thought was that this guy should probably expect a visit from some burly scientology dudes warning him to cease and desist.
I have one too. I keep it in my gawd-shaped hole specifically to keep out the holey spirit. I call it Joe because I simply cannot pronounce the name it gave me. I let it think it’s in charge, but I notice it whines very quietly whenever I read FTBs even as it lols at the comments. Odd, that.
My cat has one, too. I like to think of it as a service to believers everywhere; keeping two demons out of the loop, as it were.
Larry
May 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
!sdrawkcab gnipyt trats uoy nehw nomed a yb dessessop era uoy wonk uoY
tfkreference
May 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If your check for the session bounces, do you get repossessed?
Michael Heath
May 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If the price was $3.95 and provided a certificate of authenticity I’d pay-up in hopes of validating I have a demon-bro inside me. That would be awesome; I’d frame it right next to my NASA certificate that Kellogg’s guarantees me that I’ll be on the first public space launch to the moon, which I earned by sending in a whole bunch of cereal box tops back in the late-sixties when I was about eight.
Then when they start that commuter service I could also claim I was the first person to send a demon to the moon.
Pinky
May 25, 2012 at 11:08 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thankfully Bob Larson is one stop shopping. He administers the test and if a demon is living in you like a parasite sucking the godly juices from your innards then you can be exorcised by either Bob or by his teenage daughter and her two friends.
Stay tuned for the new reality show where “The Three Exorcessoretts” travel around in their panel van and help people reduce their overstuffed wallets. The show will start filming as soon as a Great Dane dog who can speak broken English often putting ‘R’ in front of his words and a cowardly slacker who is more interested in eating than exorcising demons are cast.
The show will be on the once literate and scientific minded, now a cesspit of laughable trash (see the show featuring a woman with a clown car vagina), cable channel TLC.
StevoR
May 25, 2012 at 11:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If holy water or a crucifix burns you, if thesightof a Church fills you withirrational rage and youcab’t say tehwords of the Lord’s prayer then you might be possessed by a demon! maybe. or so I’d suspect in Christian mythology /fantasy-horror movie viewing gained expertise.
You can find out all those things for free pretty much.
Who was it would condemned people for using religion tomake money? One very prominent 1st century Rabbi whose name you hear on the lips of a lot of Right-wingers? J-something? Surname sytarting with C I think? Often confused with an obscenity?
DaveL
May 26, 2012 at 9:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I would have said “Has you ever considered that telling an atheist that they have a God-shaped hole in their soul is like telling someone they have an astromech droid-shaped hole in their star fighter?”
dingojack
May 26, 2012 at 10:22 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Stevo – or you’re a cool vampire in doomed love affair with a mortal girl (who kills your kind because it’s her birthright or sumptn).
;) Dingo
AJ Milne
May 26, 2012 at 11:25 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Well, c’mon. That’s a bargain. Last time I had to be checked for demonic possession, it cost like $110 for the lab work, there was a blood test, and I had to stand in line…
Wait. No. That was my STD test.
Never mind, then.
Sorta more seriously: I should code up one of these ‘tests’ myself. I can undercut Larson by offering it for free, and however you answer, it comes back:
‘No, dear, you’re not possessed by a demon. Also, you’re not receiving messages from Elvis in your molars, nor are you being visited by space aliens in the night. As there are no demons, Elvis is dead, and we’re pretty sure any aliens out there don’t do that sort of thing…
‘Yes, really. And so long as we’re on the subject, The X-Files was fiction. Your friends shouldn’t have to tell you.
‘However, if you have really been experiencing odd events in your life–like, say, hearing voices other people don’t–please find a qualified, reputable mental health care practitioner to talk to about this. They probably won’t have a $9.95 web form for you to fill out, but they’re far more likely to be of actual assistance. Twenty-first century itinerant ‘faith healers’ doing the contemporary equivalent of running around you shaking dried bones at your ju-ju, less so, we regret to inform you.
‘Anyway. Good luck. And remember: mental health problems are nothing to be embarrassed about. They’re just something to get properly treated, and by someone who actually knows what they’re doing.’
caseloweraz
May 26, 2012 at 3:54 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Emptyell wrote: “But how do you make sure you stay demon free? Do they have a subscription service?”
They don’t need to go to that trouble. You can just take the test again and, if repossessed, undergo another session with Bob. This would probably give them a better cash flow too.
But this whole thing begs the question: If a demon possesses you, why would it let you take the test? Wouldn’t it come up with some plausible reason for you to decline?
caseloweraz
May 26, 2012 at 4:03 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
How do you know someone else is possessed by a demon?
“The pupils dilate sporadically.” Well, there you go.
[snicker]
Ichthyic
May 26, 2012 at 5:57 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The one hour is known as the ‘Teddy Haggard’*, the half or full day is known as the ‘George Rekers’**
and the overnighter is known as the ‘Gary Aldridge‘
…double wetsuit and favored buttplug not included.
Ichthyic
May 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If a demon possesses you, why would it let you take the test? Wouldn’t it come up with some plausible reason for you to decline?
there you go, trying to apply reason to something that is wholly unreasonable.
I suppose it’s ok, so long as it’s for yuks.
tfkreference
May 27, 2012 at 12:42 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
But this whole thing begs the question: If a demon possesses you, why would it let you take the test? Wouldn’t it come up with some plausible reason for you to decline?
Which is why all of you are mocking it!
/Poe
Snoof
May 27, 2012 at 9:31 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Ah, but $9.95 is such a low, low price for such a valuable and worthwhile service! If you’re not willing to pay these perfectly reasonable rates, you must be hiding something! Something like… DEMON POSSESSION!
That’s right! If you’re not secretly a servant of Lucifer, if you’ve got nothing to hide, then you’d gladly take the (oh so cheap) test!