More accurately, Jesus is already here. Kind of. But on June 30, my father’s birthday, Jose de Luis de Jesus, leader of a weird little Christian cult called Growing in Grace International, is going to be “transformed” and will become immortal and reveal himself to the world. And his followers are going to become superheroes. Oh, and we’re all going to die too.
The group, which they say has branches in five Canadian cities and members in more than 130 countries, believes that on June 30 (or July 1 across the international dateline), their Texas-based leader and his followers will be transformed, said Alex Poessy, the group’s bishop in Canada.
To spread the word, Growing in Grace put up billboards in Toronto this week featuring Mr. de Jesus.
“That day, the body of Jose de Luis de Jesus, who is a human like you and me, his flesh is going to be immortal…. He’s going to be living forever. And that will happen to him, but also his followers.”
But, said Mr. Poessy: “All those that are not believers are going to be destroyed.” …
But Mr. de Jesus also predicts that the “transformation” will endow him, and his loyal followers, with superpowers, such as the ability to fly and walk through walls, said Axel Cooley, the bishop’s daughter.
“[We can] run and not get tired. Go through fire and not get burned…. I could be talking to you right now, and then I could go through that wall. So, you’ll know there is a difference,” Cooley said.
So they’ll have that going for them. Which is nice.
If I call this bullshit, would that make a bully?
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davidmc
May 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Cooley could be talking to me right now, if they were I would probably help her through that wall, if a window werent available
schmeer
May 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I demand a wall-walking demonstration, followed by a fire-proof demo. The demonstrator may reconsider the second portion of the event if a broken nose develops.
Jordan Genso
May 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So rather than drinking Kool-Aid, they’re each going to become the Kool-Aid Man.
“Oh yeah!”
hkdharmon
May 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I am so looking forward to the excuses that come about on July 1 when we all are not destroyed and they can’t walk through walls. Let me guess, it will either be 1) “We got the date wrong. It will really happen on XX date.” or 2) “It was ‘spiritual immortality’ and ‘spiritual destruction’. I just wanna see some “spiritual flying and walking through walls”.
I’m betting on #2. Oh, and there is a good chance De Jesus will disappear, at least for a while.
anandine
May 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The statement makes it easy to figure out how many followers he hasP: Exactly 144,000
jimmiraybob
May 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Good placement, right up front. Saved me some reading.
Mr Ed
May 7, 2012 at 1:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Is there a cut off for joining and still getting my super powers? Is there a membership or application fee (or royalties to Marvel), do I get to pick my super power or am I going to wind up being Moist?
Randomfactor
May 7, 2012 at 1:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Dammit, I just got a bet down on the May 27th Rapture…
zippythepinhead
May 7, 2012 at 1:30 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I was Jesus for a while, but then the meds kicked in.
Doug Little
May 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Can someone please be standing by with a flamethrower so we can prove if he has actually been transformed. It’s not everyday you get such a black/white opportunity to test a religious claim. They say they can go through fire and not get burned, I say we test that claim.
MikeMa
May 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There appears to be no limit as to the number of times such ridiculous prophesies fail. Kind of short notice here if the goal is to maximize donations.
baal
May 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Let’s hope they don’t plan to grease the wheels by attempting mass murder ala Aum Shinrikyo’s Sarin gas attack (1995).
Spanish Inquisitor
May 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You know, just know that Mr. de Jesus is, right now, plotting his excuses to explain why none of this came to pass.
Probably something original like, “My calculations were in error. It’s actually going to happen on June 30 (July 1), but I haven’t narrowed down the year. I’ll get back to you…”.
raven
May 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Isn’t going to happen.
We know this because Ronald Weinland says the End of the World is May 27, 2012.
Really, that should be the end of Ronald Weinland. According to Deuteronomy, false prophets are to be stoned to death. That would take care of our fundie problem if they ever actually followed their magic book.
raven
May 7, 2012 at 1:44 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The End of the World seems to be happening more and more often.
It used to happen once every year or two. Now it is every few months.
I blame it on Harold Camping. He raised many millions of dollars while being wrong three times.
looks like every sociopathic religious leader was taking notes. It’s an easy way to raise lots of money quick.
Loqi
May 7, 2012 at 1:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I must say, those are pretty lame superpowers. Every other superhero can fly, and those who can’t can jump far enough with perfect in-air control that it’s indistingushable from flight. Running and not getting tired? Come on, a few months of marathon training can do that. Fireproof? Snore. They’ll never get me interested with those benefits. Point me to a cult where I get psychic powers or the ability to shapeshift.
jasmyn
May 7, 2012 at 3:06 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Last year, my birthday was to be celebrated with the beginning of the end. Harold Camping promised that on May 21, the end would be upon. As a heathen, I was pretty excited about such events just to celebrate me turning 22. Then it didn’t happen. So I guess what I’m trying to say is to not get your hopes up, Ed. There probably won’t be any grand events for your dad’s birthday, even if he deserves it.
chilidog99
May 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think someone from the church should sue hollywood for stealing their ideas.
cag
May 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I wait with bated breath the inevitable backlash from christians over the blasphemous billboards. And wait, and wait, and wait…… (Matthew 24:35-36)
jnorris
May 7, 2012 at 5:03 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Alas, we, the non-believers, cannot test Mr de Jesus’ claims as we are to be destroyed on June 30/July 1.
but I do have a question: what good are superpowers if there is no one around without superpowers to impress? If everyone can fly then so what?
Kevin
May 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I saw it on the internet, so it must be true!
timgueguen
May 7, 2012 at 5:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I hope no insurance company has a policy on de Jesus. I have this feeling he’ll either do something stupid to prove his immortality and kill himself, or one of his followers will test it for him and kill him.
Gretchen
May 7, 2012 at 8:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Love.
birgerjohansson
May 8, 2012 at 5:31 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Will Yeshua ben Joseph be immune to kryptonite?
Moggie
May 8, 2012 at 10:40 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Nobody fucks with de Jesus.
dingojack
May 8, 2012 at 11:27 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Moggie (#25) – except for Mary M – and John (on the DL).
:) Dingo
Skip White
May 8, 2012 at 11:52 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The Justice League should sue.
Pierce R. Butler
May 8, 2012 at 6:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wot de hell kind of a cult goes by the acronym GIGI?
dingojack
May 9, 2012 at 12:09 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Pierce R. Butler – perhaps they revere Maurice Chevalier’s addiction to little girls, or the limply camp stylings of Vincente Minnelli?
But I agree they are certainly misnamed. They should be known as: ‘Grovelling in Guano Organisation’. That would be truth in advertising.
:) Dingo
stace
May 9, 2012 at 7:58 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Awesome! That’s my birthday too! Maybe I can gets me some Jesusness by proxy.
diamantes de gould,diamante de gould,venta de diamantes de gould
May 8, 2012 at 11:23 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
diamantes de gould,diamante de gould,venta de diamantes de gould…
[...]Jesus to Return on my Dad’s Birthday | Dispatches from the Culture Wars[...]…
The Riviera Times
May 8, 2012 at 11:41 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The Riviera Times…
[...]Jesus to Return on my Dad’s Birthday | Dispatches from the Culture Wars[...]…