Saw this over at JT’s place and it made me laugh. It’s a letter to the editor of the Providence Journal suggesting that Christians should take concrete and effective action to convert Jessica Ahlquist to Christianity.
Excoriating Jessica Ahlquist is not going to accomplish anything positive. What will help is for all believers to offer up to God their prayers, fasts and other sacrifices for her conversion and that of all atheists, especially during Lent. Small sacrifices add up. Forgo a candy bar, a new blouse, etc. God may have allowed this controversy for a reason — for Jessica’s conversion. We are his tools; let him use us. God is in charge!
I absolutely agree. Everyone who disagrees with Jessica should pray, fast and sacrifice candy bars in the name of converting her. That’s a lot better than sending threatening emails and letters. Pray, fast and sacrifice candy bars 24 hours a day if you want.
Thanks for the blog fodder, JT. But I’m still gonna crush you like a grape at the poker tournament.
24 comments
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snafu
March 20, 2012 at 9:35 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I could not agree more!
The Amazing Rando
March 20, 2012 at 9:38 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
And every day she remains an Atheist is proof that god is not listening.
hinschelwood
March 20, 2012 at 9:38 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I never thought I’d encounter anybody else using that expression.
nigelTheBold to the power of nigelTheBold
March 20, 2012 at 9:48 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Our master sergeant used that line all the time. Only it was, “Specialist, I’m gonna crush you like a fuckin’ grape.” I think that variation still counts.
He was quite scary.
baal
March 20, 2012 at 9:51 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ve often thought that I’d convert to Christianity if someone would just not get a new shirt or buy candy bars. Now if they’d just tell which Christianity is the right one…
harold
March 20, 2012 at 9:54 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
As a completely non-religious person, who has never been religious, I have no problem with this.
How could I? It is entirely their right to express this sentiment.
Furthermore, while some may not make the distinction, I differentiate between those who behave in a violent or disrespectful way, and use religion as an excuse, versus people who do not do that, but call themselves religious.
To put it another way, I can’t read anybody’s mind. What I care about is how they behave.
Let the flames begin.
becca
March 20, 2012 at 9:55 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
better yet, they should send Jessica the candy bars.
MyPetSlug
March 20, 2012 at 9:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This is pretty funny. Perhaps Jessica should reply to the editor that even if she converted to Christianity, the prayer mural would *still* be a violation of church and state.
F
March 20, 2012 at 10:19 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sacrifice a candy bar. Upon an altar of stone.
dontpanic
March 20, 2012 at 10:25 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m always confused by these sort of displays. How is that supposed to work, what with “free will” and all that? Now if they were directly offering Jessica the candy bars (per becca) I could see how one could hope to change her behaviour/thoughts. But random anonymous people praying and fasting unbeknownst to Jessica?
Is doG supposed to swoop down and poke a finger into Jessica’s brain to change her thoughts because enough people didn’t by a blouse or candybar? If doG can do that, ah, at will why doesn’t he do that for everyone right now? Then there would be no “sin”, no disagreement, no need to ask forgiveness — we could all be “good” all the time.
bubba707
March 20, 2012 at 10:30 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hmm. Maybe they’ll nail candy bars to crosses all over town?
Larry
March 20, 2012 at 11:32 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In my best Homer Simpson scream: Noooooooooooooooooo!
Raging Bee
March 20, 2012 at 11:42 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Translation: threats don’t work, and they don’t have reason on their side, so it’s time to go back to good old fashioned manipulation, possibly accompanied by some prayerful stalking. That’s the evangelical playbook, and it’s pretty much tailored toward young students.
exdrone
March 20, 2012 at 11:56 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Pray for her?? Fundies, fundies, just bribe her. She’s an atheist, so she’ll cave. You’re giving up things for Lent anyways, so start sending that money to her. It’ll either corrupt her, or she’ll be overwhelmed by Christian generosity. I promise. Now, if she starts using that money for causes to which you object, it just means that you haven’t sent her enough money yet.
Modusoperandi
March 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
dontpanic, here me out. You have free will, right, because God can’t mess with it. That’s, like, His one rule.
And then He messes with it. He’s such a prankster.
He wants you to come to Him of your own free will. Even though He’s omniscient and already knows what happens, because He really didn’t think this through. Luckily He’s omnipotent, so He makes Himself forget how bad He is at being the ultimate being.
With booze. It’s kind of sad, really.
stuartvo
March 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
harold: No-one is objecting to all the praying. They’re just laughing at it. :-)
richardelguru
March 20, 2012 at 12:43 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
exdrone
Isn’t that exactly how those televangelists work?
thegoodman
March 20, 2012 at 1:05 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I encourage them to fast AND pray non-stop until all us heathens have converted.
John Hinkle
March 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What’s this “let” stuff? He’ll use you if he damn well pleases. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.
Well, there is one thing you can do about it: pray. Because prayer does something. Or not. But that’s not your concern, because he works in mysterious ways. But keep trying to influence him, because nothing works like prayer.
frog
March 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Can we get them to give up gasoline for Lent, too? If enough of them go along with it, the price will drop and the rest of us can enjoy the spring.
democommie
March 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Okay, this:
“Excoriating Jessica Ahlquist is not going to accomplish anything positive. What will help is for all believers to offer up to God their prayers, fasts and other sacrifices for her conversion and that of all atheists, especially during Lent. Small sacrifices add up. Forgo a candy bar, a new blouse, etc.”
would go a long way towards explaining Jason Russell’s teh Batshit KKKrazzee episode a few weeks back–well not the jerking-off part, but still…
lancifer
March 20, 2012 at 5:52 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh, now they’ve gone and done it!
This “letter writer” didn’t capitalize the pronouns when referring to “Him”.
I think some major smiting is in their future. The Lord thy God is a wrathful, vain, megalomaniacal, jealous prick. He doesn’t “let little things go”.
I hope they like oozing sores and plagues of locusts.
But of course He will only do this because He loves them.
democommie
March 20, 2012 at 7:50 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“I hope they like oozing sores and plagues of locusts.
But I thought that “locusts and honey” were, like, food-o-teh-GODS!
woolonwire
March 20, 2012 at 8:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Forgo a candy bar, a new blouse, etc” while silly would still look good on the back of a T shirt.