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Jan 26 2012

Chuck Loves Newt

Newt Gingrich has picked up the single most important celebrity endorsement, with all that fact says about the mentality of right-wing voters in America. Forget Gary Busey, he’s got Chuck Norris now. He begins his endorsement with all the stupidity we would expect from him:

Our republic as America’s founders created it is under assault from extremists outside our country and anti-constitutionalists inside our country. Combined with the flailing American economy and global markets, Western civilization remains on the brink, as experts and all the GOP presidential candidates agree.

Let’s see, our republic as America’s founders created it. That would mean women not being allowed to vote; blacks being counted as 3/5 of a human being; slavery being not only legal but enforced by laws that required states without slavery to return the “property” of slaveholders back to them if they managed to escape; the Senate being unelected; and the states having the full authority to violate rights at will, including restricting citizenship and the right to run for office not only to Christians, but even to particular types of Christians, and even throw people in jail for worshiping in an unapproved manner. I see why Chuck Norris thinks that’s a good idea, but sane people don’t.

We agree with our friend and governor of the great state of Texas, Rick Perry, when he suspended his campaign and endorsed Gingrich, that Newt “has the heart of a conservative reformer.” We believe Newt’s experience, leadership, knowledge, wisdom, faith and even humility to learn from his failures (personal and public) can return America to her glory days.

He just claimed that Newt Gingrich has humility. Seriously. Gingrich then thanked Norris for his support and attempted to make a joke:

Gingrich responded to Norris’ endorsement in a similar vein Friday evening. “Honored to have Chuck Norris’ endorsement,” Gingrich tweeted. “He will make an excellent Secretary of Attack.”

He followed it up on a more serious note. “In all seriousness, Chuck is a great American and man of deep convictions. Very flattered.”

Chuck Norris isn’t a great American. He’s a famous one, but that isn’t the same thing as great. As for his convictions, he is a typical American because his convictions are little more than childish platitudes and imbecilities.

16 comments

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  1. 1
    sunsangnim

    I think Secretary of Attack is a more accurate term than Secretary of Defense, at least since 2001.

  2. 2
    daenyx

    Well, hell – if we’re going to start letting internet memes endorse candidates, I bet we could get one for Obama from Twilight Sparkle!

  3. 3
    Zugswang

    Chuck Norris is obviously endorsing candidates that are too batshit to be elected (he endorsed Huckabee in the last primaries) just so he can get rid of that annoying invincibility rumor all those jokes about him are based on.

  4. 4
    Walton

    Let’s see, our republic as America’s founders created it. That would mean women not being allowed to vote; blacks being counted as 3/5 of a human being; slavery being not only legal but enforced by laws that required states without slavery to return the “property” of slaveholders back to them if they managed to escape; the Senate being unelected; and the states having the full authority to violate rights at will, including restricting citizenship and the right to run for office not only to Christians, but even to particular types of Christians, and even throw people in jail for worshiping in an unapproved manner. I see why Chuck Norris thinks that’s a good idea, but sane people don’t.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t read history. He stares at it until he gets the answers he wants.

  5. 5
    Anthony K

    Chuck Norris doesn’t read history. He stares at it until he gets the answers he wants.

    Ha-ha!

    Seriously though, they all do that.

  6. 6
    Aquaria

    Our republic as America’s founders created it is under assault from extremists outside our country and anti-constitutionalists inside our country.

    This is half-true. There are anti-constitutionalists inside our country. They’re called the GOP.

    Combined with the flailing American economy and global markets

    Caused by right wing policies of deregulation of markets, Church.

    Western civilization remains on the brink

    Of being great, rather than plodding along. If people like you would stop being stupid, the world would be a better place, Chuck.

    as experts and all the GOP presidential candidates agree.

    I highly doubt that, Chuckles. Those two things don’t exactly go together, you know.

  7. 7
    Marcus Ranum

    sunsangnim writes:
    I think Secretary of Attack is a more accurate term than Secretary of Defense, at least since 2001.

    You can tell the purpose of a military by its logistics train. If it’s really a defensive military, such as the Swiss army, they have emplaced positions, caches, and interior logistics (moving supplies and ammo) — which is very different from the logistics of “force projection” (sounds better than “aggression”) Since 1812, our military has been mostly about force projection and very little about defense. Since WWI it has been entirely offensive.

  8. 8
    Marcus Ranum

    Chuck Norris doesn’t read history. He stares at it until he gets the answers he wants.

    Newt doesn’t read history, either! He waves his hands at it until it repeats itself his way.

  9. 9
    John Hinkle

    Very flattered.

    Embarrassed. Embarrassed is the word a normal person would’ve used.

    “He will make an excellent Secretary of Attack.”

    And that makes up the largest chapter in Newt’s 2-chapter book, Newt Gingrich: Me, My Funniest Moments, the first chapter being the title.

  10. 10
    Area Man

    Chuck Norris should endorse Newt Gingrich by roundhouse kicking Romney in the face.

  11. 11
    pHred

    And if Obama were a really good president I bet Princess Celestia would endorse him!

    Seriously, if I hear one more person say that Newt is a really smart/intelligent guy I am going to go totally postal!

  12. 12
    marcus

    Chuckie supports the Newt! O noes! We iz dooooomed!

  13. 13
    matty1

    Chuck Norris doesn’t endorse candidates he kicks them till…
    What’s that he doesn’t kick them? there goes my hope of a silver lining to this.

  14. 14
    Michael Heath

    Our republic as America’s founders created it is under assault from extremists outside our country and anti-constitutionalists inside our country.

    Aquaria responds:

    This is half-true. There are anti-constitutionalists inside our country. They’re called the GOP.

    Any sort of fair test revealing this conclusion would unfortunately, also fail the Democrats.

  15. 15
    exdrone

    Norris:

    We believe Newt’s … humility to learn from his failures (personal and public) can return America to her glory days.

    Well by the failing part, Chuck has figured out Newt’s methodology, but by the glory part, he’s going to be disappointed with the outcome.

  16. 16
    meanmike

    What is in Chuck Norris’ head? Another fist.

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