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Kim Jong Il: Even Better than Tebow

If you think Tim Tebow performs miraculous feats, wait till you hear some of the things Kim John Il did according to the state-run media in North Korea. Gawker has a list of the ten best.

1. North Korean schools teach children that Jong-il’s birth was “supernatural.” He was born in a log cabin inside a secret base on the sacred Mt. Paekdu, the story goes, and his arrival was accompanied by the apparition of a new star. The seasons then spontaneously changed from winter to spring, and a double-rainbow appeared, followed by a talking iceberg. (Western accounts say he was born in a guerrilla camp in Russia.) …

3. State textbooks claim Jong-il does not produce urine or feces

4. Jong-il long claimed to be the world’s greatest golfer. In 1994, Pyongyang media reported that he shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course, including 5 holes in one.

Impressive guy.

Comments

  1. 'Tis Himself, OM. says

    Kim Jong Il: Even Better than Tebow

    This is known in the rhetoric biz as “damning with faint praise.”

  2. 'Tis Himself, OM. says

    State textbooks claim Jong-il does not produce urine or feces

    So they can’t even say his shit doesn’t stink.

  3. Didaktylos says

    I’m sure he did make five holes in one – it’s just he needed a lackey to make the preceding shots to put the ball right on the lip of the cup …

  4. raven says

    Tebow – an anti-Catholic?socraticgadfly.blogspot.com/2011/12/tebow-anti-catholic.htmlCached

    6 days ago – Frankly, I was glad for the New England Patriots’ takedown of Tim Tebow and his …

    is like his old man and his old man’s “ministry,” he is, per the title, an anti- Catholic:

    thought, retrograde social policies, and, more discreetly, religious bigotry.

    I’m a bit baffled why anyone pays much attention to Tebow except to make fun of him.

    It turns out his family are ex-missionaries and anti-Catholic bigots. Their mission was to the Philipines. Huh? What!!! The Philipines has been xianized for centuries and is 95% Catholic.

    The Tebows were there to save the Catholics from being Catholics, I guess.

    A huge amount of missionary activity is one group of xians poaching from the other groups. In this country it is mostly the JWs and Mormons trying to convert other xians.

  5. says

    There must be, or should be, a graph on which the X-axis (horizontal line) rates the absurdity of propaganda from 0 to 10, and the Y-axis (vertical line) measures the amount of brutal police state enforcement required to keep people from laughing.

    Otherwise you might hear things like:
    “Kim shot 38 on an 18 hole golf course.”
    “No shit?”
    “That too.”

  6. Mr Ed says

    6. He imprisoned relatives of convicts because he is convinced “the stain of criminality” persists for three generations.

    So Kim Jong Who? will be the last.

  7. Nemo says

    3. State textbooks claim Jong-il does not produce urine or feces

    That explains why he was so full of shit.

  8. says

    The more you read about the North Korean regime, the more nonsensical the idea that this has anything in common with atheism. With all their talk of Heaven, supernatural events, and miracles attributed to the object of their devotion, it has far more in common with religion than atheism.

  9. Pierce R. Butler says

    … Kim John Il … ?

    Our esteemed host has just blown the cover of a stealth Westernization campaign!

    matty1 @ # 5: North Koreans are also convinced that Kim had the ability to alter the weather simply through the power of thought.

    Uh, how then do they account for those nasty drought years?

  10. says

    Finally, we can stop making all those stupid Chuck Norris jokes and make them into Kim Jong-Il jokes instead!

    (By the way, I did a spit-take at reverendrodney’s comment. Well done, sir!)

    ~David D.G.

  11. Pieter B says

    If I remember the myth correctly, the 38 was the first round Kim Jong-Il ever played. It brings to mind the old joke about God, Jesus and Moses going out to play some golf; on the first hole, a par-4, God shanks his drive, the ball hits a rock and goes up in the air where a passing seagull catches it and drops it on the green six inches from the pin. A squirrel runs across the green and pushes it into the hole. Jesus says “Dad, did you come here to play golf or are you just going to fuck around?”

  12. says

    “He was born in a log cabin inside a secret base…”

    That’s so awesome. They managed to make his origins simultaneously humble and elite.

  13. grumpyoldfart says

    When I first heard the golfing story, they said he got a hole in one with his very first shot. A later story said he got 11 aces during his first round, and now it’s back to five!

  14. says

    It turns out his family are ex-missionaries and anti-Catholic bigots. Their mission was to the Philipines. Huh? What!!! The Philipines has been xianized for centuries and is 95% Catholic.

    The Tebows were there to save the Catholics from being Catholics, I guess.

    A huge amount of missionary activity is one group of xians poaching from the other groups. In this country it is mostly the JWs and Mormons trying to convert other xians.

    I have a fundie friend that enjoys standing in the parking lots of other churches and sermonizing the attendees as they exit about why their church is wrong.

  15. chilidog99 says

    I have a fundie friend that enjoys standing in the parking lots of other churches and sermonizing the attendees as they exit about why their church is wrong.

    And this person is your “friend?”

    Why?

  16. chilidog99 says

    The golf thing is hilarious considering that, in all likelihood, the children of North Korea have no idea what golf is, let alone of ever hoping to play the game.

  17. briandavis says

    Pierce R. Butler @14:

    matty1 @ # 5: North Koreans are also convinced that Kim had the ability to alter the weather simply through the power of thought.

    Uh, how then do they account for those nasty drought years?

    1. The Glorious Leader’s ways are not our ways. We must not question Him.

    2. Since Glorious Leader gives us everything it is within His rights to take anything from us.

    3. All are born as greedy capitalists deserving of infinite suffering, and can be redeemed only by the gift of Glorious Leader’s grace. (The fall happened when Eve misappropriated a state owned apple, thus becoming the first person to assert private property rights.)

    There seems to be a formula to these things.

  18. says

    I read somewhere that the no shitting thing was later dropped from textbooks.

    In a Taiwanese media report I also read:

    – he was walking at three weeks old.
    – he started speaking at eight weeks old.
    – during his three years at Kim Il Sung University, he penned 1500 written works (whatever they mean by that), and also six operas.
    – legend has it he can fly fighter jets

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