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Dec 24 2011

Put Me In Coach, I Don’t Screw

Rick Perry is pulling out all the stops to convince people that he is God’s own choice for the Republican presidential nomination, telling an audience in Iowa that he is stepping forward to answer God’s questions about which candidate to send the nation to fix all our problems.

Perry: I just want to challenge you tonight that the values that are going to be decided in Washington DC and in our state capitals, somebody’s values are going to be what are used to put legislation in place. I think the question is: whose values? And are people of faith going to stand in the gap for the unborn and for the traditional values that America was founded upon? Or are we going to continue to cede more ground to the secular left because of their threatening to sue us or the ACLU or the various, sundry groups. I think we don’t have a choice. If we’re going to get our country back, we have to stand in the gap; we have to be the ones that will stand up. As it says in Isaiah, in chapter 6:8, “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I; send me!’”

One almost pictures God’s list of things to do:

1. Help Tim Tebow win football games.
2. Decide which Republican should win and change people’s minds to vote for them.

Way down on the list, apparently, are little things like starvation, torture and war. Because God clearly has his priorities straight.

23 comments

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  1. 1
    raven

    I’m always suspicious of people who claim to speak for god.

    There are myriads of them.

    1. They all say different things. A lot of them claim god wants you to send them money and your cutest boys and girls.

    2. They never have any proof that they speak for god. No burning bushes on national TV, no magic stars over their house, no posts on god’s blog.

  2. 2
    davidct

    OH! to return to the good old days. I can’t wait to get back to burning witches. Conservative is not really the right term here when what he means is reactionary. Unfortunately the world he wants to return to never existed.

  3. 3
    raven

    Looks like Perry is so desperate, he will try anything these days.

    Pandering to the lunatic fringes of our society doesn’t seem too smart of effective.

    We already tried electing a god soaked moron from Texas and he nearly wrecked the country.

  4. 4
    Reginald Selkirk

    somebody’s values are going to be what are used to put legislation in place. I think the question is: whose values?

    Precisely the question being asked in Minnesota right now:
    Citing Koch, Dayton calls marriage amendment hypocrisy

    DFL Gov. Mark Dayton said Thursday he hopes the Republican controlled-Legislature will remove a proposed constitutional ban on same-sex marriage from next year’s ballot.
    .
    Dayton told MPR News that former GOP Senate Majority leader Amy Koch’s “inappropriate relationship” with an unidentified Senate staffer makes it harder for Republicans to claim the moral high ground on the issue.

    Do we want hypocrites imposing values they themselves do not meet onto others?

  5. 5
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    Dayton told MPR News that former GOP Senate Majority leader Amy Koch’s “inappropriate relationship” with an unidentified Senate staffer makes it harder for Republicans to claim the moral high ground on the issue.

    Because they need what, a current, fresh reminder of how full of shit they are? Somehow, I don’t think it will matter to them.

  6. 6
    exdrone

    I guess that Perry is hoping that God’s game plan for him is the same as for Tebow. Play badly for most of the game and scramble at the end. The Big Guy is such a drama queen.

  7. 7
  8. 8
    Aquaria

    Put Me In Coach, I Don’t Screw

    If the rumors about Perry are true, that definitely rules him out!

    Unless you mean screw up. Then ol’ Goodhair is first up.

  9. 9
    raven

    Because they need what, a current, fresh reminder of how full of shit they are? Somehow, I don’t think it will matter to them.

    Hypocrisy is one of their 3 main sacraments.

    They see it all the time and could care less.

  10. 10
    reverendrodney

    I’m waiting for Michele Bachmann to pipe up with: “No, it’s ME he chose! ME, ME!”

  11. 11
    grumpyoldfart

    Just as well his followers don’t read the bible – In verse 10 God tells Isaiah (Perry?) “Harden the hearts of these people. Plug their ears and shut their eyes. That way, they will not see with their eyes, nor hear with their ears, nor understand with their hearts and turn to me for healing.”

    And in verse 11 god promises that this state of affairs will continue “Until their towns are empty, their houses are deserted, and the whole country is a wasteland.”

  12. 12
    slc1

    Re Aquaria @ #8

    If the rumors about Perry are true, that definitely rules him out!

    Hey, maybe ole AC/DC is a top.

  13. 13
    Didaktylos

    Sorry to be pedantic, Ed – but the way you’ve punctuated the title makes it sound like there’s an orgy going on in Business Class …

  14. 14
    llewelly

    Apparently God was all tired out from helping Tim Tebow win football games, and didn’t have anything left over to help Perry get signatures in VA.

  15. 15
    reverendrodney

    Didaktylos @ 13:
    It took a while but I got it. Great one, ha-ha!

  16. 16
    Area Man

    One almost pictures God’s list of things to do:

    1. Help Tim Tebow win football games.
    2. Decide which Republican should win and change people’s minds to vote for them.

    The Almighty seems to have fallen asleep on the job when it comes to #1, so it’s no wonder that Perry can’t get any votes.

  17. 17
    dingojack

    And are people of faith going to stand in the gap for the unborn… ”

    Lil’ Ricky and his flock, the best vaginal contraceptive available.

    Dingo

  18. 18
    papango

    There’s a nice article in the most recent Lapham’s Quarterly about politicians using family values for their own ends. Hostages to Fortune

    …we can expect repeated reference to “family values” in the campaign speeches offering safe return to the real America down home in a painting by Norman Rockwell, and so it’s worth at least the hazard of a guess as to what the words mean.

  19. 19
    yellowsubmarine

    “And are people of faith going to stand in the gap for the unborn and for the traditional values that America was founded upon? Or are we going to continue to cede more ground to the secular left because of their threatening to sue us or the ACLU or the various, sundry groups.”

    If there’s noone to stand in the gap, I would like to make a prediction that they start filling it with the corpses of the poor who have no health insurance. Just sayin.

    Also, screw those guys suing them for doing things that are illegal!! What’s their problem!?

    If Rick Perry could kindly keep his values as far from our legislative process as geographically possible, I’d appreciate it.

  20. 20
    John Hinkle

    ..to answer God’s questions…

    God has questions? They must be real stumpers if God can’t figure them out.

  21. 21
    'Tis Himself

    Ever notice that when some guy claims “God talks to me” that God has exactly the same opinions and prejudices as the guy.

  22. 22
    llewelly

    ‘Tis, the podcast Reasonable Doubts has a semi-regular feature “God Thinks Like You”. I recommend it.

  23. 23
    dcsohl

    So Rick Perry fully admits to believing in the God of the Gaps theory?

  1. 24
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