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Dec 24 2011

How to Avoid Advancing the Gay Agenda

Virulently anti-gay wingnut Peter LaBarbera calls on righteous bigots to use the Human Rights Campaign’s Corporate Equality Index to know what companies not to do business with.

“So, what a smart consumer should do is take a look at the Human Rights Campaign workplace scorecard for corporations and just go to the opposite places,” the AFTAH president suggests. “Go to the place with the lower ranking.”

I totally agree with him. Bigots should avoid all of the companies that score well in their treatment of gay people. And then they’ll have to become Amish because they won’t be able to drive a car, go to a bank, eat almost anything or buy any clothes. Here’s an old post I wrote about how to avoid advancing the gay agenda:

You can’t fly on American Airlines or US Airways, both of which scored a perfect 100. You might also want to avoid United, Southwest, Delta, Northwest, Continental and JetBlue; all scored above 80. Who can you fly? Well, you could try Nepal Airlines, the faith-based airline that sacrifices goats to appease God. On second thought, that won’t work either. Nepal Airlines has two planes, both of them made by Boeing; Boeing got a perfect 100 too. Go Greyhound!

In fact, you might want to start boycotting the military too. Most of the major defense contractors scored very well. Honeywell, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman all scored a perfect 100. Lockheed got an 85. Who would have guessed that our good ol’ red-blooded and (presumably) straight American fighting men are using weapons that advance the gay agenda? If they don’t ask, we won’t tell.

Shopping could be a problem too. You can’t shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, The Gap, JC Penney’s, Macy’s, or Nordstroms. Can’t wear Levis jeans or Nike shoes. And even that staple of middle American fashion, LL Bean, scored a 79. Ah well, there’s always K-Mart. And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet.

Then again, it’s going to be difficult to get to the mall anyway since cars are pretty much out entirely. Ford, General Motors, Chrysler, Toyota, Subaru and Volkswagon all scored a perfect 100. You could try Volvo, but that’s a Swedish company and you know how those morally bankrupt Scandinavians like to treat gay people like human beings. It may be horse and buggy time.

Finances are gonna be damn near impossible. Want to find a hetero-normative mortgage? Good luck. Bank of America, Citigroup, Countrywide, JP Morgan Chase, Fannie Mae, Indy Mac, Washington Mutual and Wells Fargo all scored 100. Need a morally upstanding credit card? Avoid American Express, Mastercard and Visa; all got perfect scores. Can’t do Discover either, since they’re owned by Morgan Stanley and damn if they didn’t get a 100 as well.

Banking in general is gonna be a real problem for the Righteous, and you might as well give up on any thought of investing your money or saving for retirement. Bank of America, Bear Stearns, Capital One Financial, Charles Schwab, Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Wachovia – all get perfect scores on the Sodomy Scale. I guess that leaves the old coffee can under the bed, but you’ll have to make sure it isn’t Maxwell House or Gevalia; they’re both owned by Kraft Foods which, you guessed it, got a perfect score too.

Speaking of which, eating and drinking could be a bit difficult as well. No Coke or Pepsi, they both got 100. Nothing from Kraft or General Mills, which wipes out about half the products in the supermarket. No Budweiser. For crying out loud, even Coors, typically a friend to conservatives, has been corrupted by the forces of buggery and scores a perfect 100. And even that old American standy, Campbell Soups, got a 95.

Ironically, you can safely eat Heinz 57 sauce; despite being associated with a certain gay-loving Massachusetts liberal, they only scored a 46. It doesn’t look like you’ll have much to put it on though; perhaps it will go well with the manna from the sky you’ll be relying on in your quest to take a stand for decency in America.

It’s probably a good thing that most of you believe in faith healing too, because getting health insurance without supporting those godless sodomites may prove impossible. AAA, Hartford, Metlife, Prudential, ING and Nationwide are all perfect 100s. Even the obviously misnamed American Family Insurance Group scores over 100. Don’t they know that you can’t use the word “family” unless you’re anti-gay?

Even if you did have health insurance, your doctor couldn’t prescribe you any medication made by Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson and Johnson, Merck or Pfizer. Don’t worry, I’m sure that rash will clear up soon. And if it doesn’t, take solace in the fact that you’re doing the right thing. Wear it like a badge of honor for your brave and virtuous stand against immorality and equality.

8 comments

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  1. 1
    VeritasKnight

    Funny how it goes that banks don’t care who you sleep with, as long as you have money.

  2. 2
    Modusoperandi

    To be fair, they still have plenty of good, solid, corporations across Africa and the Middle East they can deal with.

  3. 3
    Aquaria

    Even if you did have health insurance, your doctor couldn’t prescribe you any medication made by Eli Lilly, Bristol Myers Squibb, GlaxoSmithKline, Johnson and Johnson, Merck or Pfizer. Don’t worry, I’m sure that rash will clear up soon. And if it doesn’t, take solace in the fact that you’re doing the right thing. Wear it like a badge of honor for your brave and virtuous stand against immorality and equality.

    But what do they need to do with medicine? Their book says all they have to do is pray, and they’ll be healed of anything! Even poison!

    Start a’prayin’, christers, and not for Pfizer to save your ass.

  4. 4
    regexp

    Eric Altman wrote sendmail – which is responsible for the vast majority of e-mail delivery – and has made this comment:

    There is some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that it’s basically impossible to send a piece of hate mail through the Internet without its being touched by a gay program. That’s kind of funny.

  5. 5
    bones

    As an employee of one of those perfect-scoring defense companies, my impression of this from a few years ago is that corporate went below radar of company workers on this. Defense companies’ workers are notoriously conservative (this year when an ‘LGBT month’ poster appeared in a few places in June, it was met with annoyance; outrage by some). I heard about our company’s HRC score in the press, not in a company announcement to workers. It brought into context some of the recent changes in company policies, like a new adoption benefit in times of drawbacks in other employee benefits. When it came out, I remembered, everyone read it with disinterest, not realizing the strategic intent of the new policy.

  6. 6
    Nentuaby

    bones:

    If you can truly get a 100% score behind the backs of your employees, that sounds like a huge flaw in the HRC ratings system to me… Education and clearly explicated policy are key parts of creating an actually inclusive workplace.

  7. 7
    Brain Hertz

    I can’t wait for these fuckers to start following their own advice. It will be interesting to see how they’re planning on posting their stuff on the Internet without touching something made by Cisco (100), Microsoft (100), Intel (95), Oracle (100) or IBM (100).

  8. 8
    yellowsubmarine

    7. They’ll do it the same way that anti-science wackos get their stuff on the internet via their blackberry. By plugging their ears and singing LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING while they do it.

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