So Much for the Terrorist Turkeys


I know this will come as a shock to you all, but it turns out that Pam Geller was wrong about your Thansgiving turkey having been “sacrificed to Allah.” Color me shocked.

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Comments

  1. geocatherder says

    I thought about the whole Butterball => Halal business while my Christian mother-in-law was saying the before-dinner prayer over our Butterball turkey dinner. The silliness of it all made the corners of my mouth twitch up, which is not appropriate during Mom’s prayer; but everyone else, even the other atheists at the table, had their heads bowed, so nobody saw me.

  2. says

    The fact that Butterball offered such a serious response, when they should have just laughed their asses off, shows what wimps big businesspersons can be. Pretending this is a serious concern that has to be addressed with a straight face only reinforces the radical right’s delusions.

  3. says

    Who the hell would know either way? I figure that they make their turkeys dead however they make their turkeys dead, and pay some sort of cursory lip service to whoever wants their turkey to have magic words said over it. Since there’s no actual difference, they can claim any turkey is or is not halal and more or less get away with it.

  4. Aquaria says

    I know this will come as a shock to you all, but it turns out that Pam Geller was wrong about your Thansgiving turkey having been “sacrificed to Allah.” Color me shocked.

    I’d care as much about it being sacrificed to Allah as I would if someone said that pixies had been shoved up the turkey’s ass.

    Yeah, right, whatever, pass the stuffing.

  5. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    Butterball whole turkeys are produced in a manner that meets those requirement if needed, but only turkeys exported to specific countries are certified halal.

    The way I read that, the turkeys are actually killed in accordance with halal requirements but are not specifically “certified” halal unless they’re going to be shipped to certain countries. This could mean that Geller has a point, however inane, depending on whether all the specifically religious components of the process are restricted to the “certification” phase. It might also matter to you if you avoid halal meats because of qualms over the humaneness of the process (I presume that doesn’t play into Geller’s objections, but I’ve heard that concern voiced by others).

  6. says

    I am glad that Butterball offered a clearly stated reply that leaves to room for doubt about halal turkeys, because this exposes Pam Geller for the raging hysterical right-wing anti-Islamic lunatic shrew that she is.

    It is ironic that she is so reverent that she spells God as G-d, yet revers Ayn Rand’s book, written by an atheist. Geller needs some kind of medication, and fast.

  7. jamessweet says

    I’m not sure that statement was inconsistent with Geller’s claim. It seems that Butterball is preparing all their turkeys the same way, and then only getting some of them certified Halal.

    Not that any of this matters in the slightest. The fact that we’re even talking about this is totally surreal.

  8. raven says

    No big deal.

    There are any number of ancient xian rituals for de-Halal-izing turkeys. Ancient being at least a few weeks old.

    This isn’t rocket science after all.

    Allah can’t withstand the power of two chopsticks taped to make a cross, magic xian words chanted, or bacon stuffed into a turkey. This is most likely because he doesn’t actually exist.

  9. Ben P says

    I’m not sure that statement was inconsistent with Geller’s claim. It seems that Butterball is preparing all their turkeys the same way, and then only getting some of them certified Halal.

    I’ve been to a Tyson factory, but not a butterball factory. You don’t typically use a captive bolt on birds, they’re just placed in machinery which beheads them, then they’re placed on a rack to bleed out.

    As I understand the Halal requirements, that’s most of the process except for a blessing. (which may or may not actually be required).

    I’d heard from one story that the factory just has a tape loop of the “blessing” being played very low in the background. that might be the case. I’ve not seen that. However, I have seen a large scale kosher slaughterhouse. The kosher/halal method of killing a cow is quite different from the normal method. (cutting the throat vs a captive bolt).

    Then at the Kosher factories, they often have a rabbi on staff that blesses entire lots of meat as they go out the door. Then certifies they’re kosher.

    I suspect Butterball probably does just that. They kill all the turkeys in the same way, which just happens to be Halal. Then have the turkeys going to particular markets “blessed” and certified.

  10. says

    @9 raven

    I think you’re onto a new business idea there. Offer “de-Halal-izing” services to all of those who are afraid of the creeping sharia, and you’re sure to make a decent ROI.

    I wonder if that’s the scam these Geller-types are just taking their time setting up. Like the scientist who creates a virus just so they could sell the vaccine once enough people are sufficiently scared enough to buy it.

  11. rork says

    Practical advice may not benefit many, but here is our MI atheist method. After apology and thankyous, whack head with a piece of rebar or small hammer. Yes, the turkey’s head. Jab knife in neck, blade behind but away from esophagus, to cut carotids. Bleed out in the ritual manner – over pans of bread cubes and shallots and other spices, which we let sit for an hour or so, then bake. The hard part: getting the kids to let us have some too.

  12. says

    Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve been driving past dairies and blessing the cows in the name of Thor and Odin. Now everytime those poor Christians pour milk over their Reese’s Puffs they’ll be damning themselves to hell!! (Insert evil laughter here). Or at least damning themselves to adult onset diabetes!!! Take that Wolfred Brimley!!

  13. Modusoperandi says

    jamessweet “The fact that we’re even talking about this is totally surreal.”
    Where have you been? We passed surreal three years ago and totally surreal sometime around the mid-term elections. We’re well in to weird now. Up next, deeply weird.

  14. Nibi says

    To avoid confusion amongst its customers, perhaps they should roll out a new product line, the Nutterball, with the appropriate magic spell cast over each bird. They could have the Nutterball-Kosher, Nutterball-Halal, and Nutterball-Jeebus with the later being pre-groveled-over so you can skip grace and get right to the carving.

  15. paul says

    @9:

    There are any number of ancient xian rituals for de-Halal-izing turkeys.

    The most delicious way to de-hallalize a turkey is to fill it with bacon-chestnut-cornbread stuffing before roasting. By the time it is done, every trace of Allah will have been baconized away.

    Bacon–is there anything it can’t do?

  16. freemage says

    HolyTape: Bah, that’s weaksauce.

    Following the great Pagan Halloween Candy scare (I can’t find the link, now, but a few years ago, some woman wrote a column claiming that every bag of candy sold for Halloween was being secretly blessed by covens of pagans), I decided it was time for action, and declared a blessing, “For all time, past, present and future, and in all places, upon all foodstuffs and potables, in the name of the Trinity: The Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Celestial Teapot and the Invisible Pink Unicorn, in the name of the Prophet Athe.”

    So, really, I got dibs on everyone, and all the devoutly religious should immediately take up air-based diets.

  17. carolw says

    My family said grace by all saying “Grace!” and tucking in (fundie brother-in-law included). I borrowed the SMBC joke from the other day – I thanked evolution for taking some species of dinosaur and turning it into a big walking ball of meat with a tiny head.

  18. says

    Bacon and pixies cornbread-pecan stuffing, Ummmmmmmmm!

    I think the best time to start investigating whether turkeys are halal is about 15 minutes after they come out of the oven. Then tell all of the KKKristians present that you have to take the carcase to your “lab” for examination. Tell ‘em that it’s alright to eat all of the cherry ambrosia salad they want, but to lay off the spuds and gravy.

  19. geocatherder says

    Baconized stuffing? Surely the FSM has something negative to say about that. Yuck.

    However, I know many people (including my in-laws) who would say “yuck” to the giblet-rich stuffing my mom used to make. It was delicious, even though Mama and I reduced the giblets (by snacking) before we made the stuffing. Mom-in-law very kindly cooks the giblets for me, and watches in bemused horror while I pack them up carefully for the trip home. Neither she nor my husband can imagine anyone eating that stuff. Good — more for me!

  20. coragyps says

    As I said way late in the other Turkey Thread, in my days at the turkey factory we distinguished Kosher from Kroger turkeys by whether there was a K or U on the plastic bag they were shrink-wrapped into. I don’t remember any halal turkeys at all. And I don’t remember seeing any rabbis in Springdale, Arkansas in 1971, either. Just bags with K on them.

  21. says

    Does an observant Muslim like me have a good case to sue Geller because I ate a Butterball believing it was halal? And does anyone know a good cleansing procedure for this situation?

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