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Nov 18 2011

Cain: Manly Men Don’t Eat Vegetables

I love meat. I dare say no one loves meat more than I do. It’s one of the reasons I can’t be religious — if Jehovah thinks he’s gonna keep me from eating BBQ ribs or shrimp and Vishnu thinks he can tell me not to eat beef, they’re gonna get their asses kicked trying to stop me. But only a moron would think this has anything at all to do with masculinity. Ladies and gentlemen, Herman Cain:

Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?

Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.

Chris Heath: Why is that?

Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]

Devin Gordon: Is that purely a meat question?

Herman Cain: A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.

No. A pathetically insecure man trying very hard to cover up his fear of the judgment of others would call that a sissy pizza.

40 comments

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  1. 1
    Benjamin "Derp" Geiger

    This manly man, who eats pepperoni pizza almost exclusively, thinks Herman Cain is full of crap.

  2. 2
    Benjamin "Derp" Geiger

    (Actually, I like green olives on my pizza, but virtually nobody has ‘em. I typically have to make green-olive pizza myself.)

  3. 3
    Ellie

    So, what is Herman Cain going to say now that Congress has determined that pizza is a vegetable?

  4. 4
    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    Real men eat whatever the hell they want.

  5. 5
    tbp1

    This seems so clearly joking around that I’m willing to give him a pass on it.

    There’s plenty of other stuff, of course, that I am absolutely not willing to give him a pass on, though.

  6. 6
    Gordon

    Jalepeno peppers – the sign of a wuss?

  7. 7
    jolo5309

    Real men only eat pepperoni and jalapeno pizza, with a little motor oil on top.

    I cannot believe that sissy would not have jalapenos or motor oil on his pizza, and he is running for President?

    What kind of weaklings are running for the nomination down there?

  8. 8
    davidct

    With this kind of attitude about what it is to be a real man, the sex harassment allegations seem a lot more plausible.

  9. 9
    Aquaria

    What about those of us who put vegetables and meat on our pizzas?

  10. 10
    Benjamin "Derp" Geiger

    Gordon: Yep, jalapeño peppers are the sign of a wuss.

    Real men eat ghost peppers on their pizza.

  11. 11
    hkdharmon

    Real men are obese and malnourished! USA! USA!USA!

  12. 12
    Big Boppa

    Personally, I like giardiniera and Italian beef on my pizza. That’s manly veggies on top of manly meat.

    Unfortunately, it has yet to transform me into Conan the Barbarian.

  13. 13
    carolw

    I’m not sure the stuff they put on pizzas can actually be considered real meat.
    “Here lies a real man – his heart exploded at age 50, but he didn’t eat any sissy veggies.” Now that’s a manly headstone.

  14. 14
    Reginald Selkirk

    Real Men™ eat their ghost peppers straight up, rather than dilute them with pizza.

    Giardiniera? Real Men™ eat Giardia on their pizza.

  15. 15
    ArtK

    @8
    I was thinking the exact same thing. This kind of pseudo-macho posturing shows a guy who’s worried that he doesn’t appear “manly” enough. That fear can produce harassment as well, in order to prove that he’s not a “sissy.”

    @5

    So you’re saying that Cain is as big a failure as a comic as he is a failure as a presidential candidate? He doesn’t need to try to crack jokes, he does fine with the unintentional humor.

    And, of course, we have a failure on the part of the interviewer. “What can you tell about a man from the type of pizza he likes” is a really in-depth, incisive question. Quite on the par with “nearly everyone with an IQ above room temperature thinks your 9-9-9 plan would be a total disaster. Can you address some of their specific criticisms?”

    I read an article a day or so ago about the Cain campaign canceling a session with the New Hampshire Union Leader editorial board over his refusal to allow cameras. Instead of figuring out how to deliver his message without sounding like a fool, he’s trying to control what goes public. He doesn’t want another herp-derp video making it out there. Fortunately, that’s a futile effort.

  16. 16
    Didaktylos

    This manly man, who eats pepperoni pizza almost exclusively, thinks Herman Cain is full of crap.

    Any manly man who hate meat to the exclusion of vegetables would definitely be full of crap.

  17. 17
    John Hinkle

    Herman Cain: A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables!

    I can see President Cain talking in English with some foreign head of state, for whom English is a second or third language, and the foreigner rolling his eyes at the language errors.

    OT: I’m going to see Furthur tonight. Yes!

  18. 18
    d cwilson

    Having tried Godfather’s Pizza once, I can safely say that Herman Cain knows absolutely nothing about what makes a good pizza, manly or not.

  19. 19
    Area Man

    “What about those of us who put vegetables and meat on our pizzas?”

    Hermaphrodite.

  20. 20
    Gretchen

    Hey, I wrote about this on Monday.

    I’ve already talked to one person who used the “he’s clearly joking” defense. Yes, he is clearly joking. And the joke is lame, infantile, and sexist. Which, I would not be surprised to find, is precisely the mindset of people Cain wants to support him.

  21. 21
    davem

    The more toppings a man has on his pizza,

    ..the fatter he’ll be.

  22. 22
    daveau

    How the hell did he run a successful pizza chain again?

  23. 23
    democommie

    Back in the mid-1980′s I shared a house with a couple of brothers whose idea of cooking was Rice-a-Rone with Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup with grated velveeta on top.

    One night I was cooking for some friends and while I was prepping one of my roommates came in. I was wearing an apron, my nice alder Dansk clogs and my beret (the house was about 60 degrees–until we put a coal stove in the cellar). My roomie looked at me and asked what I was making. I told him that I was making a lobster filled crepe for an appetizer, a salad of root vegetables, Coq

  24. 24
    democommie

    cotinued… (there are definitely some fucked-up key combinations on this screen)

    … I told him that I was making a lobster filled crepe for an appetizer, a salad of root vegetables, Coq au Vin and another crepe filled with apples and walnuts with some seasonings and topped with whipped heavy cream. And, I told him, that I was also making a quiche for myself to have for a couple of other meals.

    He said, “Real men don’t eat quiche.”. I said, “Real men don’t give a fuck what other men think about their eating preferences.”. I also told him that it was a horrendously bad idea to get shitty with a guy who was wearing weapons grade wooden shoes and carrying a 10″ knife.

    Herman Cain is an fucking idiot and only in a field of candiclowns like the current crop of GOPinheads will he not be laughed at by newspeople, publicly.

  25. 25
    reverendrodney

    I wouldn’t go into a washroom if I knew that a man who uses the term “manly men” was in there. No siree.

  26. 26
    WMDKitty -- Survivor

    I like a good mix of meat and veg on my pizza. I don’t know what that says about me, other than, “Hey, this person likes pizza.”

  27. 27
    meg

    @ democommie – Personally, as a female who hates cooking, a man who can is waaay up the scale. Just saying.

    But seriously for a moment, the few clips I’ve seen (being Aussie, they tend to only show clips here when the candidates do something stupid) does he always repeat the question? I’ve seen that tactic used to give oneself time to think about the answer, but it was almost the same reaction to a question on Libya as on pizza.

  28. 28
    Gretchen

    Great story, democommie. I sure enjoy the company of men who know good food (including quiche) and how to cook it. If that disqualifies one from being a “real man,” then I suppose the “real men” can take solace in that while eating their Rice-A-Roni alone.

  29. 29
    dcsohl

    daveau@22: “How the hell did he run a successful pizza chain again?”

    By convincing people that tons of toppings, at $1.50 each, are manly.

  30. 30
    dingojack

    ‘Manly men’* don’t eat veggies? No wonder Marko’s so full of shit! The constipation must be terrible. (MgSO4.7H2O) enema, stat!
    :) Dingo
    —-
    * Or so Lil’ Ricky and Ol’ Crazy Eyes’ husband told him

  31. 31
    fifthdentist

    Real men have clogged arteries!
    Anyone can just check himself in at any hospital emergency room and get health care for $9.99.

  32. 32
    democommie

    meg:

    I’m not sure if that particular annoyance is one of Cain’s normal behaviours, but when it comes down to it, Herm’s the Swiss Army Knife of teh burnin’ stoopit (http://www.victorinox.com/us/category/Category/Outdoor/1005?f=category&v=1/100/1005&m=add&)

    Gretchen:

    I’ve been a fake man for much of my life, and thoroughly enjoyed not hanging around with macho eating their rice-a-roni alone assholes.

  33. 33
    dingojack

    Uh, isn’t Rice-a-Roni made of, you know, rice (Oryza sativa or O. glaberrima)? Isn’t rice a plant (and therefore ‘vegetative’)?
    What part of ‘meat’ don’t these genuises get?
    :) Dingo

  34. 34
    The Cat From Outer Space

    Hmmm… so Manly Men (TM) don’t eat vegetables. Dave Scott won the Hawaiian Iron Man (2 and a half mile swim, 112 mile cycle and then a full marathon with no rest between them) 6 times, and he was friggin’ vegan. He sounded pretty manly to me. Herman Cain gets stupider by the hour.

  35. 35
    coryat

    As a vegetarian I get a variant on ‘How’s your vegetable pizza, you big dumb-baby?’* quite a bit so this doesn’t surprise me. As I’m not a preachy veggie I have always found this odd.

    *Or other meal that doesn’t consist of meat and two veg.

  36. 36
    coryat

    Democommie: Will you cook for me? : )

  37. 37
    democommie

    Coryat:

    I will cook for anyone that likes to eat, providing that they are nice people and have adequate cooking facilities (I’ve been using a two burner hotplate for years, but I got a SMOKIN’ wall oven!) and the necessaries–like roundtrip airfare!

  38. 38
    harold

    Back in the mid-1980′s I shared a house with a couple of brothers whose idea of cooking was Rice-a-Rone with Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup with grated velveeta on top.

    One night I was cooking for some friends and while I was prepping one of my roommates came in. I was wearing an apron, my nice alder Dansk clogs and my beret (the house was about 60 degrees–until we put a coal stove in the cellar). My roomie looked at me and asked what I was making. I told him that I was making a lobster filled crepe for an appetizer, a salad of root vegetables, Coq…

    The sad fact is, while your meal undeniably sounds much, much better, the one with Velveeta cheese and mushroom soup sounds pretty good to me, too. Crazily salty and nutrient-poor, but probably not bad tasting. (For full disclosure I cook a lot and I do not use canned soup, rice-a-roni or processed cheese-like food products – other stuff is better tasting and a better deal).

    I will also note that, as anyone who ever watches any professional sport event on TV is aware, the idea that eating anything other than the most nutrient-poor junk food makes you a loser is not just pushed on manly men. It is pushed on the entire population. Women are permitted to supplement their doritos, HFCS, and fast food diet with an occasional commercially made yogurt and fast food salads without being labelled as freaks (unlike men and children), but that’s about it.

    It’s hypocritical too. Ham, eggs, and cheese, served on a pastry of refined flour mixed with fat. Call it “Denny’s mega-breakfast sandwich” or something (imaginary example) and it’s the manliest thing you can eat. Call the same thing “quiche lorraine”, and Herman Caine won’t touch it.

  39. 39
    coryat

    Democommie:

    I do like to eat. I’ll get to work on the other things!

  40. 40
    vmanis1

    The best theory I’ve seen for Herman Cain’s eruptions of idiocy is Rachel Maddow’s: she refers to him as `the performance art project formerly known as Herman Cain’.

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