Another Atheist Christmas Card

Ok, this one really takes the “let’s out-Hallmark Hallmark” and runs with it. Cuttlefamily’s first christmas cards have begun arriving–one from a cousin who has an album of christmas hymns out. Seriously. Her cards always–always–have a bible verse, and a poem that is weapons-grade glurge.

So, below the fold… weapons-grade atheist glurge. Do not click if you are insulin dependent. Do not click if you are allergic to syrup. Do not click if you have just eaten.

But if you get the same sort of cards I get from my relatives, and want something equally saccharine to send to them… put on your protective goggles and look past the jump…

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An Atheist Christmas Card

A few years ago, I got a really sappy christmas card from the mail carrier. Its true purpose, of course, was to provide an easy way for us to deliver him a Christmas tip. Tis the season, after all. But it started me thinking–how hard can this card-writing business be? Anyway, this one is a two-parter; the outside of the card is just below, and the inside of the card is below the jump:

[front]
As we battle our way through the line at the store
And think to ourselves “there has got to be more”
And wonder where “Christmas of long ago” went,
When the meaning of Christmas was what it first meant…
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The War Against Christmas Comes Early

(I know, it’s not yet Thanksgiving. A-I’m busy. B-stores have been in christmas mode for a month already. C-you need time to rehearse these verses if you’re going to deliver them at the Christmas pageant.)

From the Cape of Good Hope to the Newfoundland islands,
The sands of Iran to the Panama isthmus;
From Outback Australia to Inverness Highlands
It’s time to take arms in the War Against Christmas!

My weapons are mistletoe, Christmas trees, holly,
A yule-log, and caroling out in the snow;
Sleigh-rides and snowball-fights, eggnog and Jolly
Old Santa Claus, laughing his loud “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

We’ll make them forget all the Truth of the season—
The sacrifice planned by a god up above—
And have them believing some bastardized reason
Like giving, or kindness, or caring or love!

I’ll cruelly and callously help out a stranger
Who’s down on his luck or has suffered some loss,
I won’t even speak of the babe in the manger
Whom God sent to Earth to get nailed to a cross;

When the winds of December conspire to freeze us
I’ll help collect sweaters and coats for the poor,
Neglecting to make any mention of Jesus,
Whose torture is really what Christmas is for.

My hatred of Christmas will focus my labors
On weaving an atheist fabric of lies—
For instance, I’m giving to all of my neighbors
Gift baskets, cookies, and fruitcakes and pies!

I’ll say “Merry Christmas!” I’ll say “Season’s Greetings!”
I’ll say “Happy Holidays—Joyous Noel!”
Intending of course, that with each of these meetings
The Truth About Christmas can just go to hell.

The truth is that Christmas is not about presents
It’s no time for songs, It’s not time to be nice
It’s not time for feasting on turkeys or pheasants—
It’s sin, and redemption by blood sacrifice.

No time to be jolly; no time to be merry
It’s time to be solemn, and grim, and devout!
The heathens might find it depressing or scary
But that is what Christmas is truly about.

Yes, Jesus is really the ultimate reason
And Christmas is really redemption and sin;
The war against Christmas is early this season—
For God’s sake, let’s hope that the atheists win!

A bit of history of Christmas in America, after the jump:

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An Atheist’s Christmas

So I saw a tweet today (I won’t link–go search if you want) that went “FACT: athiests(sic) CANNOT celebrate Christmas. #youreallhypocrites” Silly person; celebrating what currently goes by the name “christmas” started long before her religion did, and trying to tell people they aren’t allowed to eat and drink and celebrate with friends and family just because they aren’t in your club is an exercise in futility. Face it: Christmas is a secular holiday, celebrated by many and ignored by many.

Anyway, this verse is from all the way back in 2007; I was recently reminded of it because someone wrote to ask permission to use it in their family christmas cards. So I’ll tell you more or less what I told them: feel free. If you do anything commercial, we gotta talk. If you want to stuff something in my stocking, there’s a button over at the bottom right hand side of this page. And yes, it’s early for this, but that tweet was just today, and it was a week or so ago that my reader asked, so apparently it’s not too early for people to be thinking about such things.

It’s a really sweet verse, but now I’ve written enough that I’m gonna have to put it after the jump: [Read more…]

‘Tis The Season

Two things. First, although I have not yet seen a full-blown apoplectic Fox News meltdown on it yet (perhaps I just missed it), little hints here and there tell us that the annual War On Christmas has begun. So without further ado, this year’s song:

In mega-malls and coffee shops
In giant chains and mom-and-pops
The mistletoe and holly have been decked
The garland—silver, red, and green
Has been in place since Halloween
In store displays we’ve all come to expect
Employees dressed as helpful elves
Are stringing lights and stocking shelves
And spraying trees with artificial snow
And everywhere, the carols play
There’s no place you can get away
Cos Christmas is endangered, don’t you know?

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be a knock-down, drag-out fight!
I’m pissed off and I’m ranty, cos
It’s two full months of santy claus
And all I really want’s a silent night

We see displays in family yards
And messages in greeting cards
Which use an anti-Christian sort of phrase
Though everywhere across the earth
They’re celebrating Jesus’ birth
They use the PC “Happy Holidays”
I’ve seen examples by the scores
In catalogs and online stores
As well as at some places here in town
As everybody celebrates,
Their choice of phrases demonstrates
Their real agenda’s tearing Christmas down!

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be the worst you’ve ever seen
A little bad behavior’s worth
The selling of our savior’s birth
And doing so since not quite Halloween

We’re gathering with friends, to go
Despite the cold, despite the snow,
Sing carols for the old folks down the street
Surrounded by the happy greetings,
Hugs and kisses, merry meetings,
Smiles on all the faces that we meet.
We’re celebrating life and love
And not some savior from above
Our Christmas is a secular affair
Cos Christmas is for everyone—
Believe, or not, it’s still just fun
And if that thought offends you, I don’t care

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
The birthday of our savior Jesus Christ
And what the hell, if this myth fails
There’s always after-Christmas sales
Where underwear and liquor are half priced

Yes, there is a tune, no, I won’t be able to post it. Yes, it needs a little polishing still, but I don’t have time for that. Why, after the jump: [Read more…]

Sir, Put The Souvenir Down And Walk Away

The war against terror and the war against christmas have opened a continuous front; the TSA is warning the flying public that they must not bring their snow globes with them, or they’ll be confiscated.

Snow globes.

Just in case, I suppose, the clear liquid is nitroglycerin.

I suspect the TSA hires grade schoolers, and asks them to come up with the coolest ways you could sneak explosives onto planes, then uses that feedback to generate policy. But this latest restriction pits Fox News against themselves–how do you support “all fear, all the time” if you are against the war on christmas?

Verse after the jump: [Read more…]