Wait, What… Christmas Already?

So yeah, PZ has a Christmas post up already? I know the malls already have spray snow, holly and mistletoe, and other signs of war Christmas; I’ve heard the music, seen the decorations, smelled the mulled cider… but PZ? This must mean it’s getting late.

I’m hopeful (but hey, the real world imposes itself sometimes) that I’ll have some cool cephalopodmas swag for you soon, but for now…

In mega-malls and coffee shops
In giant chains and mom-and-pops
The mistletoe and holly have been decked
The garland—silver, red, and green
Has been in place since Halloween
In store displays we’ve all come to expect
Employees dressed as helpful elves
Are stringing lights and stocking shelves
And spraying trees with artificial snow
And everywhere, the carols play
There’s no place you can get away
Cos Christmas is endangered, don’t you know?

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be a knock-down, drag-out fight!
I’m pissed off and I’m ranty, cos
It’s two full months of santy claus
And all I really want’s a silent night

We see displays in family yards
And messages in greeting cards
Which use an anti-Christian sort of phrase
Though everywhere across the earth
They’re celebrating Jesus’ birth
They use the PC “Happy Holidays”
I’ve seen examples by the scores
In catalogs and online stores
As well as at some places here in town
As everybody celebrates,
Their choice of phrases demonstrates
Their real agenda’s tearing Christmas down!

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be the worst you’ve ever seen
A little bad behavior’s worth
The selling of our savior’s birth
And doing so since not quite Halloween

We’re gathering with friends, to go
Despite the cold, despite the snow,
Sing carols for the old folks down the street
Surrounded by the happy greetings,
Hugs and kisses, merry meetings,
Smiles on all the faces that we meet.
We’re celebrating life and love
And not some savior from above
Our Christmas is a secular affair
Cos Christmas is for everyone—
Believe, or not, it’s still just fun
And if that thought offends you, I don’t care

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
The birthday of our savior Jesus Christ
And what the hell, if this myth fails
There’s always after-Christmas sales
Where underwear and liquor are half priced

I really want to be able to actually sing this for you. It’s really pretty cool. Or not; I’m not a musician. Yes, it is an oldie. I’m grading. It’s this or the test pattern….

The Year That Santa Drowned

Twas the night before Christmas
The kids looked around
Their eyes welled with tears,
Though they made not a sound
A sleigh would need snow;
There was none to be found
Just the puddles where raindrops had pelted

They hoped in their hearts
That Saint Nick would come ‘round
With presents and toys
To amuse and astound
Then the word started spreading
That Santa had drowned
When the ice at the North Pole had melted

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

No Santa appeared
To the kids who were spying
Though they’d really been good
Or at least, they’d been trying
No jingle of bells
And no reindeer a-flying
Or magically pulling a sled

If we’d only done something
Instead of denying;
Complied with Kyoto
Instead of defying
Now everywhere, everywhere,
Children are crying
Cos Santa—sweet Santa!—is dead.

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

The hearth is ablaze
With a crackling roar,
And the stockings are scattered
About on the floor.
And the children don’t know
Who the cookies are for,
If Saint Nicholas won’t be around.

For the reindeer are missing,
The elves are all gone.
No more jolly ho-ho,
No red sleigh on the lawn,
No more squeals of delight
In the light of the dawn;
It’s the year that Santa Claus drowned.

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

This one is by request, for commenter Johnny Vector (who is also responsible for the last verse! Yay!), who points to this article on Skeptical Science, and specifically to the comments thereof.

Feel free to try out some additional verses (crowdsourcing!), or put it to music, or whatever.

(The War On) The War On The War On The War On Christmas

It’s Christmas! It’s war! We are under attack!
Though the media try to deny it—
Those liberal bastards are all high on crack
If they think they are worthy to try it!

The War Against Christmas, of course, is quite real—
It’s the fault of the liberal news—
When exposed, it’s a fact that they’d rather conceal,
But that battle is one they will lose!

They’re waging a war on the war against Christmas,
To keep it from gaining attention—
If any war must be remembered, then this must;
For reasons too many to mention!

Where Christians had always controlled the town square
There are atheists trying to change it!
Now all sorts of heathens—it’s too much to bear—
Think it’s equally theirs to arrange it!

The nativity scene by the courthouse was fine
In a land where majority rules
And the chorus could sing of a savior divine
In a pageant, in all public schools

But our place at the courthouse—our place at the top
Was attacked by the atheist horde
And when activist judges said Christians must stop
It was like they were slapping the Lord

They tell us it isn’t attack, but defense—
They’re defending our dear constitution!
The must think we’re really incredibly dense
To believe hating God’s a solution.

We’ll accept nothing less than complete recognition
That Christ is what Christmas is for!
Till then, I’m declaring, this season’s great mission:
The war on the war on the war!

Context, after the jump: [Read more…]

The New Journalism

Our story needs some punching up—perhaps a pithy quote—
But there’s no one here to interview—well, none of any note.
Could we maybe find an activist to share his point of view?
Oh, but one would be unbalanced, so we’d better look for two.
Yes, the more extreme, the better, cos we really need the scoop,
And it doesn’t really matter if it’s just a splinter group—
Just as long as they’re identified by something in their name
We can pretty much be certain that their views are all the same.

So extremists show up everywhere to share extremist views
And it’s “wingnut versus wingnut” as a substitute for news.

Context, after the jump: [Read more…]

Atheist Christmas Stories

Looks like something the FtB community might enjoy–CNN’s iReport people are collecting our stories, the stories of “A holiday season without religion”. I’ve already submitted An Atheist’s Christmas, which (amusingly) was already seen by one commenter as an attack.

Anyway, increased visibility, a spectrum of atheist christmases, is a positive step toward increased acceptance. So, yeah, go tell the world about your atheist holiday season, whether you celebrate something or not. As of this posting, there are 189 stories up.

Ellwood City–No Atheists Allowed.

On the lawn at Ellwood City
Such a pity, such a pity,
That the mayor should be an idiot, and ignorant of law
Though he doesn’t see a danger
Showing Jesus in the manger
If a sign appeals to reason, he can see the fatal flaw
See, the laws of our great nation
Build a wall of separation
So endorsing a religion is a step we must not take
And Mayor Tony Court, his honor,
Knows the “reason” sign’s a goner—
He’ll reject the application, for the constitution’s sake!
We can show the birth of Jesus
Without worry, if it please us,
After all, it’s only Jesus, not some Christian Holy writ
Jesus’ birth is universal
So there’s no need for reversal
Since it’s representing everyone, there’s none who doesn’t fit!
But a sign promoting reason
In this holiest of seasons
Is a First Amendment no-no; it establishes a stance.
“Use your brains” is violation
Of our country’s firm foundation
Since it isn’t true for everyone, it doesn’t stand a chance!

You won’t believe the real story, but it’s just below the jump:

[Read more…]

This Means War! (On Christmas)

Every Christmas, all the churches would erect a little crèche
And they’d wash or paint the figures, for to keep the colors fresh
It was beautiful, and private, in the shadow of the steeple
But of course it made them wish they could display it to the people
So they put one by the courthouse, where it hadn’t been before,
And if anyone’s offended—this means war!

If the birth of Christ’s depiction gets a special public place
Then the constitution tells us that it has to share that space
So there might be a menorah, or a snowman, or a tree,
Cos if you can put your symbol there, the same applies to me
Till the courthouse is a meeting-place for holidays galore
Universal and inclusive—this means war!

Now the spirit of the season is expressed in giving gifts
It’s a secular occasion—not just Christian spirit lifts
You’ll find kids who write to Santa Claus, but now you have to search
For a solemn observation of Nativity in church
The people have forgotten what the holiday is for
And everyone loves Christmas—this means war!

After the jump, your one-stop source for all your war on christmas poetry needs: [Read more…]