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On Realizing That Corporations Are People Too… And That You’ve Fallen In Love With One.

My darling corporate entity
I’ve loved you from the start
One hundred ten percentity,
With more than just my heart
I told you what I meantity
In poetry and prose
You showed your discontentity
And that’s the way it goes.

My sweetheart business enterprise
I tried to win you back
I told you my intenterprise—
You told me what I lack
My capital I’d spenterprise
But you would not invest
My future’s in descenterprise—
My value is depressed.

My love, my all, my syndicate—
Forever and beyond!
I note, to my chagrindicate,
My word’s my only bond
I’d fight through thick and thindicate
To have you as my bride
I know I cannot windicate;
You know, at least, I tried

My darling corporate entity
I’ve loved you from the start
One hundred ten percentity,
With more than just my heart
I told you what I meantity
In poetry and prose
You showed your discontentity
And that’s the way it goes.

Yeah… put “loving you back” as another difference between the kind of people known as “corporations” and the kind of people known as “people”. “Going to jail” is another thing corporations can’t do. We’ll find out pretty soon whether “discrimination” is yet another.

Comments

  1. notyet says

    Corporations have been known to commit war crimes with impunity. We have elevated them from the status of mere human to that of a former president.

  2. garysturgess says

    I must confess that I may be entirely ignorant here. But as I understand it, the reason corporations are considered people is basically to allow people to sue them.

    Consider Megacompany X that makes Widgets, and has thousands (or tens of thousands) of shareholders. Fred The Friendly Consumer(tm) buys a Widget. While using it for its intended purpose of Widgeting around in his Widgetmobile, it springs a Whatsit and causes the Widgetmobile to plough into Fred’s lovingly tendered stack of hundred dollar bills, burning them all to a crisp. (And if you think that scenario still doesn’t justify a lawsuit, then change it accordingly – this is obviously a tongue in cheek example but it isn’t intended to be a frivolous lawsuit).

    So, in a world where corporations are not legally people, Fred would have to compile a list of all the shareholders (they are, after all, the owners of the company) and sue them all for damages. That’s not even theoretically possible, since shares can be traded on a minute to minute basis (far too long for the courts to work).

    Which is not to say that there aren’t other possible solutions. You could say that the CEO is the person that gets sued, or the board of directors, or some other group of individuals that is reasonably stable. Of course in a world where the corporation is not a person it can’t own any of its assets, which means you can sue whoever DOES own them. But the situation is certainly sufficiently complex that you can sort of see why the idea of treating corporations as able to be sued and own property (otherwise what do you sue them FOR?) isn’t necessarily a completely terrible idea.

    Of course, I’m not for a moment saying that it hasn’t been abused out the wazoo, probably to the extent that any minor benefits it may have are far outweighed.

  3. Orakio says

    @#1 A corporation can be executed. The beating heart of every corporation is its charter, which, in essence, lists the purposes for which the government has permitted it to exist, and the conditions under which it may exist. If the government revokes that charter, then the corporation must be dissolved, the hard assets liquidated and returned to the stake and share holders. The Death Penalty. Texas can execute any corporation it has chartered.

    Importantly, most of the major corporations are chartered in Delaware, regardless of headquarters – and they can execute any of them, if they think they need to.

  4. says

    I’m just waiting for the campaign for equal marriage for corporations to get started – that’s the logical next step from your poem :-)

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