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Live Free Or Dye? Killing Baby Animals For Freedom!

I’ve never seen a purple duck
I never hope to spy one
But now New Hampshire (what the fuck?)
Would like to let you dye one!

Perhaps you’d like an orange chick
Perhaps a turquoise rabbit
For boosting sales, this does the trick:
“A bright pink gosling—grab it!”

It’s said they make great presents
But they just give me the creeps
They don’t much look like pheasants
No, they rather look like Peeps!

They’re cute and soft and green or red
And oh, how they’re adored…
A couple weeks, and most are dead
Cos kids, you know, get bored

But chicks and bunnies have no choice
And sellers must comply:
They hear the short-term market’s voice
That calls “Live Free and Dye”

Just so that Republicans don’t get the entire pro-business anti-ethical behavior vote, a NH Democrat (edit: and libertarian Free-Stater) is the one proposing to allow the dyeing of chicks, ducklings, goslings, and/or rabbits, so that more of them can be sold at Easter.

State Rep. Joel Winters, a Nashua Democrat, is proposing repealing a 1985 law that makes it illegal to dye the birds and bunnies to promote their sale, raffle or if they are to be given as a prize. Winters said Monday that he doesn’t think the law serves a purpose.

In 1985, John Sununu (Republican, later Chief of Staff for George H. W. Bush) was governor. Hmmm…. in a Republican, pro-business administration, why on earth would dyeing baby animals be prohibited?

Former Agriculture Commissioner Steve Taylor disagrees. He said he fought for the law’s passage 28 years ago because the process stresses the birds and many die as a result. Taylor said too many people bought the cute colored chicks at Easter without knowing how to care for them.

Oh, that’s right… because dyeing baby animals does nothing to enhance their sales to people who know what they are doing. It only makes impulse sales by exasperated and/or idiot parents more likely. Great news for short term profits, great news for kids who like purple ducks… and (here’s the best part) by the time the kids get bored with them, they’ll be close to death anyway!

Comments

  1. Mary L says

    Oh dear FSM, no, no, no. I remember department stores selling dyed chicks and ducklings in the early 60’s. Most died in unmercifull ways; many were probably treated as toys. This law serves an excellent purpose.

  2. says

    The Easter Bunny colors eggs.
    What meme could be more classic?
    Out pop these colored things with legs,
    It’s been like that since the Jurassic.

    The ancients cherished eggs and young
    As springtime banished snow and ice.
    How did this pagan rite get strung
    Into a myth of human sacrifice?

    Jesus and the Easter Bunny–
    What a pair of brain rot tales.
    One for power, the other for money.
    Laws to paint them? Epic fails!

  3. The Ridger says

    You never saw one? Unless that is poetic hyperbole, you’re younger than I thought. I remember those guys well..

  4. Tualha says

    He may be a registered Democrat but it would be more accurate to describe Rep. Winters as a libertarian. He moved to NH as part of the Free State Project. The AP journalist (who, so far, seems to be the only journalist covering the story) seems to have overlooked this. It’s the first thing I check when I research a NH political story.

  5. Cuttlefish says

    That makes so much more sense, Tualha. This is precisely what I expect from the Free Staters. On the other hand, it could be this reporter is the only one covering it because (fingers crossed) it’s typical NH legislation that has one or two looneys behind it but not a snowball’s chance of passage.

    Ridger, it’s an homage to “never saw a purple cow”, but yes, I saw these in my earlier years. My parents hated the concept.

  6. Carol Lynn says

    I must have been one of the only city kids who got a couple of baby chicks for Easter one year, successfully raised them to adulthood, conned my cousins on the farm into taking them when they got too old for the city, and went out to visit them for three years. They probably would have ended up in the pot, except they were some odd breed that was a lot smaller than the other chickens on the farm and they deemed them unworthy of being eaten – not that that bothered my 8 year old self. They were MY chickens and MY pets! What kind of monster kids kill their pets – and what kind of monster parents don’t step in if they see it happening – even if they are “just” chickens? I can’t even….

  7. The Ridger says

    our chicks always went to live on the farm our housekeeper lived on (my grandmother paid her wages while we were goo young to be in school). I’m sure they were eaten eventually, but they survived Easter at least.

  8. Al Dente says

    Oh, that’s right… because dyeing baby animals does nothing to enhance their sales to people who know what they are doing. It only makes impulse sales by exasperated and/or idiot parents more likely. Great news for short term profits, great news for kids who like purple ducks… and (here’s the best part) by the time the kids get bored with them, they’ll be close to death anyway!

    As Terry Pratchett so eloquently explained: “Remember, a dragon is for life, not just for Hogswatchnight.”

  9. eamick says

    Given the absurd size of the legislature (400 members in the House) and the pathetic pay ($200 plus mileage for a two-year term), stupid bills are all but inevitable.

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