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Sep 07 2012

Church Scandal Speed Record?

We’ve opened up our ministry
A mere two weeks ago
And we’re building it by going door to door.
So I’m witnessing to prostitutes—
Like Jesus did, you know—
They’re a group that we’ve neglected, heretofore.

It’s a missionary calling
In the name of Jesus Christ
With additional positions to explore
We discussed a second coming—
Some alternatives were priced—
She assured me that it costs a little more.

I delivered her my message
‘Twas a sermon from the mount
And I told her God forgives her for her sins
I’ve increased my congregation—
She’s increased her bank account—
When you think about it, everybody wins!

What I did, I did for Jesus;
For the future of our church
It’s a duty I’ve been given from above
If you’re looking for religion
Let me help you in your search
Visit Sunday, and I’ll demonstrate God’s love.

Via the Manchester Union Leader, the story of a minister wasting no time:

MANCHESTER — A minister who opened an evangelical Christian church in Pinardville two weeks ago was arrested Wednesday on a prostitution-related charge.

Is two weeks a record? Apparently, the paper knew of this man because they had only recently done a story on the opening of his church.

A recent New Hampshire Union Leader article reported the church is the 34th of the denomination and held its first service Aug. 19.

Oliver said he was aiming to build the church by going door to door and befriending people who aren’t existing churchgoers.

“We want to win the lost of Jesus first,” the article quoted him saying.

Oldest profession, meet the oldest con game.

5 comments

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  1. 1
    Raging Bee

    Oldest profession, meet the oldest con game.

    They’ve met. Like, several thousand years ago.

  2. 2
    richardelguru

    I was all a mistake.
    No one did anything wrong.
    You see they were evangelical followers of Ishtar (or possibly Asherah)

  3. 3
    Gregory in Seattle

    Cuttlefish, you may want to do some reading on temple prostitutes. The oldest profession got its start as the oldest con game.

  4. 4
    anubisprime

    Probably give him something to preach on a wet Sunday morning…about how he was tempted by Satan and his Jezebels and fell so low and how the authorities repressed him and were intolerant like wot ‘appened to jeebus…now he now truly understands how jeebus must have felt and his patience and fortitude are a constant reminder and a wondrous gift of great comfort to the oppressed and to himself and proof positive of gods lurve’ to the lowliest sinner and to be reborn to do gods work with even greater commitment…dah de dah de dah!

    Great sales pitch really…and folks will fall for it time and again, cos they so want to believe!

    No long term damage to gods good tool methinks…not sure about the good ministers tool…coitus interruptus can be rather painful and lead to swelling…all in a days work for the men of god!

  5. 5
    grumpyoldfart

    He’s going to be annoyed that he’s invested his cash in this new church and now the locals are laughing at him. Pity his poor wife when he starts looking around for someone to blame (because it sure ain’t gonna be his fault).

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