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Jul 07 2012

Will Redeem Humanity For Food

So I was forwarded a resume last night. The recession must be worse than I thought. Jesus Christ is looking for a job. After the jump, because the formatting is a bit wonky-but, hey, it’s a resume, so I didn’t want to reformat it:

The Resume of Jesus Christ
Address:     Ephesians 1:20
Phone:        Romans 10:13
Website:      The Bible . Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus
_____________________________________________________
Objective
My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I’ve sent you my resume because I’m seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
_____________________________________________________________________
Qualifications
I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)
I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
_____________________________________________________________________
Occupational Background
I’ve only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49 ).
I’ve never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15 -17)
_____________________________________________________________________
Skills Work Experiences
Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33 ).
Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)
_____________________________________________________________________
Educational Background
I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
_____________________________________________________________________
Major Accomplishments
I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26 ).
I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15 ).
I defeated the arch enemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15 ).
I’ve miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot – the BIBLE. You don’t need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.
_____________________________________________________________________
References
Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healing, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance.
_____________________________________________________________________
In Summation
Now that you’ve read my resume, I’m confident that I’m the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47 ). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15 ).

So, as prospective employers, how would you evaluate this applicant? I mean, looking through his letters of recommendation, I see that he has a bit of a temper problem (Mark 11:12-14), even stooping to physical violence (John 2:13-16)…

(Via twitter, @cassandradvrn suggests that his employment situation might be because he presents as a “long haired hippy”.)

16 comments

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  1. 1
    gworroll

    I’d hand him a glass of water and request wine.

  2. 2
    Abel Undercity

    I dunno, seems like a rather puffed-up resume. If he really does “encompass the entire length and breadth of human knowledge” I’d like to see some show of work. His thoughts on the Higgs boson, for instance, just to pull an example from current events.

    And since the citations for his claims only serve to repeat the claims with little further proof, the whole thing comes off a bit shallow.

    How’s his typing speed?

  3. 3
    machintelligence

    He has delusions of grandeur. Probably not a good candidate.

  4. 4
    mcbender

    Well, he’s a liar. “Never been tardy or absent”? What about that time he said he’d return within the lifetimes of those present? That’s all I need to know, really; this is not someone I’d want to hire – he hasn’t shown his face for over two thousand years!

  5. 5
    Trebuchet

    A little reformatting, to at least reduce the font size, would be in order so it doesn’t lap over the side bar.

    @mcbender: Not quite 2000 years, IIRC. Wasn’t the crucifiction supposed to be about 33CE?

  6. 6
    TX_secular

    The use of a blue font color strikes me as unprofessional unless the job mainly is marketing/advertising.

  7. 7
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    To Jesus Christ:

    I’ve reviewed your application for a management position in my heart, and I’m afraid none of the qualifications you’ve presented have indicated you have any skill at pumping blood through a pneumatic pulmonary system, which is what my heart does.

    Furthermore, the current occupant of that position has demonstrated, through 32 years of unceasing and dedicated service, to be uniquely suited to the position.

    Also, many of the claims made in your resume are both unsubstantiated and impossible. For instance, man was not formed ‘from the dust of the ground’ (whatever that means), therefore your claim to have done so rings rather hollow.

    Lastly, I checked your references. While a number of individuals did indeed express their belief that you do indeed provide the things that you claimed they would, none of them were able to demonstrate that you had actually done these things. In addition, every single one of these references freely admitted having been bribed to make these claims with promises of eternal life after death.

    However, not all queried references gave such glowing reports of your character: apparently, you told a man in New York to stab a six year old child to death last year, and I’ve heard from other sources that this is not the first time you’ve encouraged mentally imbalanced individuals to harm other people, even family members. While the legality of these acts is merely questionable, this is not behavior I can condone in my employees.

    I’m afraid I must decline your application. You do not seem to be qualified, your application demonstrates a lack of consistency and integrity that are absolutely required for the position, and most importantly, the position is not available at this time.

    Please do not apply again or attempt to contact me further – security has been ordered to remove you from the premises on sight.

  8. 8
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    Gah!

    *Pneumatic pulmonary vascular system.

    ‘Swhat I get posting about actual medical things after a couple of hours of Star Trek reruns.

  9. 9
    carpenterman

    Dear Jesus,

    Your father Joseph and I used to work together, and he called me the other day and said you were having trouble finding work. He said he taught you a little when you were a kid, and asked if I needed any help. As it happens, I’m starting a large addition next week, and could use a helper. You would carry boards, help lay plywood, nail together corner posts, and similar tasks. I can start you at $9 an hour, with a bump after two months if you do well.
    Please bring your own hand tools (hammer, tape measure, hand square, nail pouch, etc.) Your Dad can tell you what you’ll need, and I’m sure he can loan you something if you don’t have your own.
    We start at 8:00. Please be on time. If it’s raining, I’ll call you by 7:30 to let you know if we’re working or not.
    One more thing… about the whole creating the world, healing the sick, redeeming man from sin thing… you might want to avoid talking about that in front of the rest of the crew. Just a heads-up; it’s not the sort of thing that will get you in good with the other guys. Stick to sports.
    (Yeah, your Dad showed me that “resume” of yours. Frankly, I think he’s a little concerned.)
    Sincerely,
    ******

  10. 10
    F [is for failure to emerge]

    So, you are the Christ – you’re the great Jesus Christ.
    Prove to me that you’re no fool – walk across my swimming pool.

  11. 11
    ibelieveindog

    F –

    You are an evil, evil person!

    Now I can’t get that stupid music out of my head.

  12. 12
    dean

    Jesus – The Christ

    Whoever submitted this is a fraud. We all know Jesus’ middle initial is “H”.

  13. 13
    Cuttlefish

    H, for “Haploid”, of course.

  14. 14
    janeymack

    The position he is interested in is not open at this time. Drop this one in the recycling bin…

  15. 15
    rcs

    Further checking of references reveal that he has repeatedly been fired for chronic absenteeism.

  16. 16
    baal

    “H, for “Haploid”, of course.” Assuming his humanity (and haploid development actually working for a human), I wonder how he managed male development from a presumably XX mother.

    I would have tossed the resume on formatting alone but otherwise agree with #3 – folks with delusions of grandeur make terrible employees.
    I work for a large corp and we have had various short term contractors. One of them, on day one of employment, insisted on special treatment (choice of seats?! and skipping training) since they’d be a director in under 3 months and in a place to do retribution. It went down hill from there.

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