Oh, goody! Another Republican debate tonight! But they never ask the questions I want them to.

Let’s ask the Republican candidates
As they gather tonight to debate
So together we’ll find
What they’ve got on their mind
As they gear up for fights
When they turn on the lights
For the cameras, this evening at eight.

Let’s ask the Republican candidates
And see how they answer today
If we’re under attack
In Iran or Iraq
Or in China, we met
With a credible threat,
Please tell us—how loud would you pray?

Let’s ask the Republican candidates
To see what their answers are worth:
When the scientists hold
It’s 4 billion years old
But your church-going base
Makes a much younger case
Could you tell us—how old is the earth?

Let’s ask the Republican candidates
Cos I’m sure that each one has a plan
With Americans viewed
As both stupid and rude
Please reflect on the ways
That our ignorance plays
In Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan?

Let’s ask the Republican candidates
As they each pick their path through the maze:
Take the case of Penn State
And their troubles of late
Or the pedophile search
Through the ranks of the church—
What’s the best way to blame this on gays?

Let’s ask the Republican candidates…