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Nov 08 2011

Last Tuesdayism

So I’ve been having a bit of fun at a tiny little internet backwater. Hey, it’s what I do sometimes. Don’t judge me!

Anyway, I noticed today that somebody invoked the idea of “Last Tuesdayism” which (by the blog author’s argument) all of us, in order to be intellectually consistent, must remain agnostic about. Thus, today’s little ditty.

Only last Tuesday, a quarter past four,
The universe was, when it wasn’t before!
The whole of the universe started to be,
Which it hadn’t at all, at a quarter past three.
Existence itself, in the blink of an eye;
No reason for billions of years to go by.

Of course, it looks old—that’s the way it was done,
Looking old from the instant it all had begun;
The universe looks like it has a real past,
And one that seems incomprehensively vast
It seems there are billions of years to explore
But it started last Tuesday, a quarter past four.

The earth and the heavens, the sun and the stars,
The mountains, the oceans, the cities, the cars,
The falsified memories that seem to be real,
Each trip to the doctor, each holiday meal,
Each nursery school freeze-tag or hide-and-go-seek,
Each one an illusion from early last week.

Each fossil was planted, and each sacred scroll,
Each childhood memory, made up in whole,
Your very first friend, and the first one you kissed
Another illusion to add to the list.
No God whatsoever creating a scene,
And nothing at all from before 4:15.

There is no “last month”, and there is no “last year”,
Just Tuesday and later, that’s perfectly clear.
The scientists’ “billions of years” is a guess,
Like the people who say it’s six thousand or less—
They each claim their evidence tells them what’s true,
And they haven’t a clue that they haven’t a clue.

So how do I know what I’m telling you now?
If it’s all manufactured last Tuesday, then how?
You can’t trust the science; religion is bunk;
You can’t trust your senses, cos all of it’s junk;
No possible way that the real truth can show,
So how do I know it? That’s it—I just know.

Religion and science are two different ways
We can look at the world—that’s what everyone says.
But really, why limit ourselves just to these?
My Tuesdayist view is as good, if you please!
It’s as old as the others, so please don’t ignore—
Cos they all started Tuesday, a quarter past four.

As usual, more after yon jumpage:
********

Let’s give these “both views” the benefit of their own arguments. Science claims billions of years, and yet science as a way of knowing is but a blink; the merest fraction of the time they claim has existed. Supposed “young earth” creationism (how hollow that sounds now!) may claim as few as six thousand years, but their own faith has taken up, again, only a mere fraction of that time. (True, it is a substantially larger fraction than science claims, but still…)

But.

Last Tuesdayism has been around since the very creation of the universe!

(In fairness, the two false doctrines have also been around since the very creation of the universe; they just are ignorant of that truth.)

There is not a single fact that opposes or falsifies Last Tuesdayism. There is no logical problem with a “truthful god”–every reason to believe in a god or gods was manufactured Last Tuesday. There is no logical problem with scientific “evidence”–every molecule, every quantum, Last Tuesday. Starlight in transit, memories, religious conversions, none of it.

I am told, however, that there is a possibility that my undeniable knowledge dates from as late as the previous Monday.

15 comments

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  1. 1
    Paul Neubauer

    Heretic!

    You Last-Tuesday-ists are so mistaken! You only need to visit the Church of Last Thursday and you will understand that you your belief in those extra two days is completely unfounded!

  2. 2
    palefury

    It all makes sense now. lol.

  3. 3
    Midnight Rambler

    Last Tuesday??? Where on Heaven or Earth did you come up with that notion? Or were you misreading this comment, regarding Last Thursdayism:

    I would also assume that you are “agnostic” about the idea that the universe was created by Reverend Moon on Thursday of last week. After all, you can’t prove this is NOT true, so you must accept it is possible!

    However, I would additionally like to point out that in my extensive research on the history of Last Thursdayism, including being present at the original revelation, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that the universe was in fact created last Wednesday. Thus, the majority Last Thursdayists are perpetuating a grave spiritual error, and as a devout Last Wednesdayist I have committed myself to expunging their deviant fraud from the world.

    At least until next Wednesday.

  4. 4
    petemigdale

    Midnight Rambler.

    It was either last Thursday or last Tuesday!!

    Neither last Thursdayists or last Tuesdayists would have a bar of your Buddhist style, middle path, non-committed namby-pamby compromise.

    You are with one side or another when the final showdown comes!!
    Last Wednesdayist are the first up against the wall for both sides.
    Girlymen all!

  5. 5
    Cubist

    Last Thursdayism? Wimp! The real he-man reducto ad absurdum takedown is Next Thursdayism, which holds that the universe does not yet exist; that it will be created next Thursday; and that your memories of having been informed of Next Thursdayism will be part of the intricate web of fabricated pseudo-evidence which ‘proves’ that the universe was created some time before next Thursday…

  6. 6
    The Rat King

    Please stop being so witty and wonderful.

    You are making everyone else feel inadequate.

  7. 7
    hoverfrog

    I completely agree with Paul Neubauer. Last Thursdaysim is the True (TM) philosophy that we should all accept. I mean can you even remember what you had for lunch last Wednesday? What more proof do we need?

    Anyone who says different is a heretic and should stoned with stones (or possibly polystyrene cubes as stones can hurt people).

  8. 8
    noastronomer

    “Last Tuesdayism has been around since the very creation of the universe!”

    Which was, of course, last Thursday.

  9. 9
    Coragyps

    Heretic!! Do you have any idea what invisible pink unicorns are capable of doing to sepiidids? Tuesday, indeed!!!!!

  10. 10
    Coragyps

    Oh – that was brilliant, asides from the heresy.

  11. 11
    Midnight Rambler

    Look, this is ridiculous. It’s easily resolvable with logic.

    1) It is known that the world ended last Wednesday at 10 PM.

    2) If the world was re-created last Thursday, the earliest it could have happened is at 12:01 AM.

    3) The IPU is a perfect being. After all, it’s both invisible and pink!

    4) Perfect beings don’t just sit around twiddling their thumbs. Therefore, it must have re-created the universe immediately afterward, i.e. last Wednesday.

    Stop spreading these lies and deception, and come into the light of logic and reason. You’re destroying people’s souls!

  12. 12
    MadScutter

    Ok, I’m very confused. Either you posted this before, or I’ve completely lost all sense of time (my grasp on that was pretty tenuous in the first place, so perhaps I should just go with that for now).

    Fantastic work either way.

  13. 13
    Cuttlefish

    MadScutter, it is one from the old blog. I resurrect them when appropriate.

  14. 14
    Crudely Wrott

    There are no weekends in the Universe, either. Ever night’s a Friday and every morning’s a Monday.

  15. 15
    MadScutter

    Well that’s a relief. It was the Seussian meter that really caught my recollection.

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