The Battle Of The Bulb


Grab your pitchforks! Grab your torches!
Cos it’s time to join the fight!
Take up arms against Big Government;
They want to take your right
To illuminate your castle
With an incandescent light—
All-American—designed by Thomas Edison!

We should act as burning beacons
Blazing bravely through the night
Never hid beneath a bushel
But held proudly, shining bright!
So the world can see our power
And can tremble at our might—
It’s our duty to refuse to take our medicine!

So we’ll rally ‘round the bulb, then,
We’ll rally ‘round the bulb
The incandescent symbol of our freedom
Watt for watt, they’re not as bright;
They produce more heat than light
They’re just like us—and that is why we need ‘em!

It’s not just about a light bulb
No, it represents much more
It’s a symbol of our freedom
And it’s why we went to war!
Cos the right to use more energy
Is what we’re fighting for—
This is principled and righteous, not a rant

So we’ll hoard them while they’re legal
Yes, we’ll empty out the store
When electric rates start climbing
We can blame it on Al Gore
We’ll pretend this is an issue
That affects us to our core
But it’s mostly cos Obama says we can’t

So we’ll rally ‘round the bulb, then,
We’ll rally ‘round the bulb
We never will give up our incandescents!
Though it’s such a small demand
We’ll choose here to make our stand
The battle plan of whining adolescents!

Yes we’ll rally ‘round the bulb, then,
We’ll rally ‘round the bulb
The incandescent symbol of our freedom
Watt for watt, they’re not as bright;
They produce more heat than light
They’re just like us—and that is why we need ‘em!

I may actually be giving Michele Bachmann more credit for maturity than she deserves, comparing her “I want light bulb freedom!” stance to the whinging of an adolescent. Parents know well, that once a toddler has forgotten all about a toy, and hasn’t played with it for months, the surest way of making it a favorite again is by threatening to take it away.

Bachmann describes Edison as a true patriot, and describes the inventing of the light bulb as a patriotic act. Mind you, Bachmann may be the only one who does this, but fine. If Edison were alive and inventing today, you can be damned sure he’d be one of the people pushing the envelope of technology. After all, he did not actually invent the light bulb; what he did was to improve it, and to continue to improve it.

It’s strange. It used to be that the patriotic thing to do was that which helped your country, even if it meant a bit of belt-tightening on your own part. When did waste become patriotic? Bachmann is proudly, defiantly backward. But, as an inefficient waste of energy, generating heat rather than illuminating, this dim bulb has at least provided us with a bit of light entertainment.

Comments

  1. says

    Thank you for illuminating this subject, Cuttlefish! Hopefully Bachmann will take some heat on her call for "patriotic waste," as her views are clearly anything but enlightened.

  2. says

    Bachmann really does hold to the conservative kiddie version of history. It's amazing the kind of waste people like her are ok with.I wonder what kind of light bulbs are used in her house?

  3. says

    Brilliant, as usual. I'm running out of printer ink. When's the next book coming out? Will it include song parodies?

  4. says

    Q: How many Bachmanns does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Bachmann will never change her lightbulb unless you pry it out of her cold, dead hands.

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