It is great fun to scan through the comments sections of newspapers, networks, blogs, and others who are reporting on New Hampshire’s latest laws. Although there are (depending on location) sufficient thoughtful and intelligent comments to keep me from losing hope, there certainly are a handful of people whose understanding of the issues is… lacking. One writer is concerned for the poor bisexuals, who won’t know who to marry now; another is demanding the right to marry himself (I suspect the relationship has been consummated already); another knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the passage of this law will lead to cross-species marriage, and he is concerned for his dog. There are also the usual calls for torches and pitchforks, for petition drives and a vote-the-bastards-out special election.
This verse is dedicated to these people, in thanks for the many laughs they have given me.
O Noes! O Noes! They changed the laws!
Now, if you fancy fins or paws
Go on—get married! Just because
The Gays can do it too!
And anything is fair game now,
From wooly sheep to spotted sow
To octopus (I don’t see how,
But hey, it’s up to you)!
While liberals shout and cheer and praise,
I’m waiting for the second phase—
The Queer Agenda, which The Gays
Will force upon the state;
Wherein the law will now endorse
A person’s right to wed a horse—
If you’re opposed, the cops will force
The two of you to mate!
The animals will run the place—
The horses will have won the race—
These are the facts that we must face
And go on with our lives
We had our chance to take a stand
But nothing worked the way we planned;
We’re stuck with pigs for husbands, and
With bitches as our wives.