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In the past I have mocked a lot of the hyperbolic rage-whining that comes at near-incessant frequency from the band of devoted camp followers that have made it their life’s mission to destroy FreethoughtBlogs, Skepchick, Atheism+, feminism, the concept of equality, the colour orange, and basically anything else they consider a personal affront. I have not held back in voicing my scorn for a group of people who seem to have endless amount of time, energy, hatred, and immaturity – I seriously do not know where these people find the wherewithal to work themselves into this level of froth over the fact that a blog network exists.

One of the oft-parroted claims made by this shrieking horde is that FTBchickminism+ is “ruining the movement”: that atheism was doing just stupendously well for everyone before the “FTBullies”* showed up and ruined it by… I honestly have never been clear on what the mechanism of “ruining” has been. This, of course, is contrasted against the other claim – that FTBchickminism+ is so ludicrously marginal and derogated by all right-thinking atheists that it is an abject failure and can’t possibly amount to anything. It is sometimes the same people making these contradictory claims. The mind boggles.

Up until now, my position on this kind of over-wrought conspiracy mongering has been fairly consistent: FTB is not the boogey-man; it’s a network of blogs that (mostly) existed before there was a network to begin with. Atheism+ isn’t ruining atheism; it’s a reaction to the fact that it was already ruined for a lot of people. Skepchick is not rounding up all male atheists to throw them into a witch’s cauldron of menses and liquid misandry. Go get hobbies that don’t involve Twitter, Reddit, or Photoshop.

That was until a recent event that, as far as I know, I am the first person to bring to the public sphere.

Many of you are undoubtedly aware of the FTB “back channel” – an e-mail listserv where we conspire to destroy people’s careers talk about network issues and worship PZ as a living god troubleshoot tech stuff. What you may not know is that there are various password-protected ‘tiers’ within the back-channel. Our executive committee has a locked thread that regular members don’t have access to, and PZ and Ed have their own tier for the very highest-level stuff. As a goof, I sometimes like to try and ‘hack’ in using ridiculous passwords. I bore easily, what can I say?

It stopped being funny the day I accidentally entered ‘destroyallmen69′.

What I had thought to be a private listserv for Ed and PZ was, in fact, the staging ground for a conspiracy that goes so deep, I haven’t quite been able to unravel it all yet. A cabal made up of the heads of FTB, Skepchick, members of Patheos, the Atheism+ moderators, CFI, NARAL, Planned Parenthood, Tampax, the UN, the Bilderberg Group, and a number of other multinational organizations has been conspiring for months, perhaps years, to undermine the atheist community from within. What is clear, even from a superficial scanning, is that there is a plan to destroy the online atheist community. More disturbing even than that is the fact that it is well on its way to fruition. What follows is the few concrete steps I have deciphered so far.

It is important to note that we’re already a number of steps in, so things like “hypnotize prominent atheists into writing stupid things in public forums in order to undermine credibility of intellectual leadership” have already happened.

- Mobilize Atheism+ Forums

“Once the sacred womb (a term I have deciphered as referring to the A+ forums) has reached sufficient quickening, the nascent period shall be declared ended. We shall unleash our ideological drones upon an unsuspecting world. Not even the combined valiant efforts of the Guardians (I am reasonably sure this refers to the Slymepit) will be powerful enough to stop us. Until such time, it is of utmost importance that the sacred womb appear to be nothing more than a place where like-minded people go to talk about stuff they’re interested in without constantly having to deal with the clueless raving of a bunch of assholes.”

- Silence All Dissenters

“As you all know, white men are the ordained defenders of free speech, because they are the only ones with no political agenda and whose rationality is perfectly untainted by emotion or bias. We cannot hope to prevail against the clear superiority of their air-tight argumentation unless they are completely silenced. Once all conferences have been bullied into creating “sexual harassment policies”, we will subtly change the wording to ensure that anything a white man says or does is deemed offensive, and will thus be removed and punished to the full extent of the law.

“P.S.: ensure that offending someone also becomes illegal. Also, change standard for burden of proof to ensure that any accusation is legally actionable, but only if you have a uterus or a tan.

“P.P.S.: make sure white men never learn about Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, blogging, newspaper columns, telephones, verbal speech, or Morse code.”

- Destroy The Practice of Science

“Because all questions of any type can be answered through a single set of methods, and because those methods demonstrate clearly that racism and sexism only exist if the perpetrator personally believes that their own conduct is wrong, we must destroy the white man’s chief weapon: his science. By re-casting even the mere asking of questions as “patriarchy” (a word that we have invented and is not at all based in decades of literature and inquiry), we will ensure that science can no longer keep us from our long-held goal of oppressing men. The pinnacle and most evidence-based of the scientific methods, Evolutionary Psychology, already lies in ruins before our slanderous onslaught. Suggested next target: whatever branch of science proves that men are stronger and therefore better than women.”

- Create/Release the Kraken

“Once High Priestess McCreight has completed her biology degree, the time shall be ripe to extract DNA from High Priest PZ and Her Glittering Majesty, The All-Powerful And All-Knowing Rebecca (long may her terrible reign last). McCreight will combine the DNA and create the ultimate hybrid: Pezecca Watsyers. This beast will have all the privilege of a white man, with all the low cunning, ruthlessness, and hypocritical sex appeal of a ladyfeminist – it will be unstoppable.

Behind the awesome power of the Kraken, we shall begin rounding up all the non-indoctrinated men into the re-education camps (code named: The Friend Zone). Successfully indoctrinated men, including our long-term mindslave collaborators, will be housed in the forced breeding tents in order to ensure that they are forever obligated to pay us alimony so that we don’t have to work. Any resisters, or people who have previously been labeled with the approved pejorative slurs, will be rounded up and boiled alive in our cauldron of menses and liquid misandry.”

Obviously this is terrifying stuff, but perhaps the most chilling passage was the one I found toward the end of the document:

The only thing that could stop this plan is if a brave group of heroes stands up and decides to exploit our only weakness: incessant internet trolling and obsessive cyberstalking through Photoshopped memes and crude nicknames. The rise of “FreeFromThoughtBlogs” almost destroyed the entire enterprise, so great was its persuasive power.

I am putting myself at great risk by even reading this, let alone publishing it. Obviously I owe a lot of people apologies – your fears were well-founded, and I was wrong to suggest that you were just a bunch of pathetically fixated jerks with nothing better to do than find new ways to broadcast your own insecurity. Clearly you were misunderstood prophets. I understand that now. I only hope, no, pray that it’s not too late, and you can still turn back the tide of creeping feminist Sharia.

According to the documents I unearthed, Skepchicks have assassins everywhere, so if I suddenly go missing, it is imperative that you immedi…

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*Seriously, if you’ve ever used this term in a non-ironic fashion, you seriously need to learn to laugh at yourself. Trust me, you’ll have plenty of company.