Stuff Evangelicals Like

September 30, 2009 at 8:52 am

Daniel Fincke

In the spirit of the sensation Stuff White People Like, comes Stuff Christian Culture Likes which is written by a PK who married a PK. And boy an embarrassing lot of these really take me back. It’s eerie how on target they are. And it’s weird to see some of the newer stuff since I left that whole culture behind 10 years ago:

Ahh, all the hating on the Catholics, considering them not saved. I personally remember being 18, in my first week away at college writing letters to some 14 year olds I was “discipling” in the faith and answering one of their questions about whether all Catholics weren’t saved. Even as hardcore Evangelical as I was I couldn’t get my mind around the idea that God would start his church and then let it become a false church for, like, 1500 years until Martin Luther came around. It was just silliness. Here they offer an Evangelical attempt to wittily cut down Catholics that just has Fail written all over it:

BURN! Take that silly Catholics and your unwillingness to acknowledge God’s sovereignty!!

#94 Jesus fish decals
#93 Saying you’re married to your best friend

Christians aren’t the only people who say this, but they make up 93% of the people who do. The remaining 7% are some rogue non-Christians who are unabashed corndogs.

In a Christian’s blog profile* it’s categorically impossible for the spouse-as-best-friend declaration to be made without also stating that they love God most of all.

#92 Hoping that the rapture doesn’t happen until after your wedding night
#91 Not Obama
#90 Being pro-life while simultaneously supporting the war
#89 Saying “It’s a God thing” when something good happens
#88 Jumbotrons
#87 Getting rid of their secular music

There comes a time in every young evangelical’s life when he must roll up his sleeves, raise the black flag, and commence destroying his secular music.As a young evangelical you arrive at the decision to get rid of your secular music because you feel “convicted.”

#86 Leaving a go
#85 Leading worship barefoot
#84 Focusing on “that one scene” that ruined the movie

Many youth group screenings of The Princess Bride have been conducted while youth group leaders hovered by the VCR so they could fast-forward over the part where Inigo Montoya calls the Six-Fingered Man a son of a bitch.

I can actually even top this one—I actually saw this with a Sunday School class in the theater when it was new and the line was unexpected. It was my mom’s class teaching 6-7 year olds and I was 9 and she had me along as a helper. And when Inigo Montoya called the Six-Fingered Man a son of a bitch, my mom was hilarious as she immediately went to work indicating to the kids that they were not to tell their parents about that. We all found it really funny though, Mom included.

Christian items marketed to teens usually use an “extreme,” “edgy” or “grunge” font. Like teenagers will not respond to your basic Helvetica.

This is a game where everyone starts horfing marshmallows and whoever can enunciate the words “chubby bunny” with the most marshmallows crammed in their mouth is the winner. It was played at every church retreat, bible camp, and youth group event ever and then someone somewhere died from choking during Chubby Bunny and the church insurance won’t let you play it anymore.

#32 Formulas
#31 Astroglide
#30 Chick-Fil-A
#29 John Calvin

Talking about John Calvin makes many Christians feel sophisticated and avant-garde. Theology students who begin required reading of Calvin fall in love with him and his four (sometimes five) spiritual laws. They volley big words back and forth and go to Starbucks to discuss things like “limited atonement” and “perseverance of the saints.” Ardent debates are spawned over the issue of predestination and absolutely no conclusion is reached. This is a great deal of fun for them, and yet it can all take an ominous turn if someone is not in agreement with you on how the word “total” in “total depravity” should be interpreted.It is plausible, but not scientifically confirmed, that reformed students spend more time studying Calvin’s teachings than they spend studying Scripture. Weirdly enough, this may mean they’ve crossed from Gospel into Law (uh oh), but we’ll never know for sure. Kind of like predestination.

Yeah, that one hits home. That’s my freshman year in a nutshell.

1. The youth group leader tries to present himself as hip. This usually means the he will cultivate one or all of the following: a goatee, soul patch, fauxhawk, ear or eyebrow piercing (but only on the coasts; never ever in the midwest or the Bible belt lest the church leadership thinks he might be gay). He will sometimes sculpt his hair into the Joey Tribiani front-swoop that was popular in the mainstream around 1997. Whichever look he is going for, it will involve hair gel unless he is prematurely balding, in which event he will opt for the shaved head/goatee combo.

2. If the youth pastor is in his late 20s or older, he often will forego trying to be hip and will endeavor to present himself as zany. This usually means there is a ‘goofy’ picture of him on the church website with ‘wacky’ quotes about his favorite ice cream flavor and favorite movie (never anything rated R). Everything he says on the website is summarized with an “on a serious note” moment where the youth pastor reiterates his desire to glorify God in everything he does.