I know a new thing now, a thing I didn’t know before. I know that there’s something – something bad – called “camel toe.” I know what it is. I know it via the tweets of Another Angry Woman @stavvers and this post that she linked to, The Miracle Bajingo Shoehorn.
A staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight, experience camel toe at some point.
Many women have even gone to extreme lengths to rectify the camel toe problem, resorting to expensive and risky surgery.
Now thanks to the Smooth Groove camel toe remedy, all women can get on with their lives without having to worry about how they look.
After all, being a woman is hard enough and having a Smooth Groove in your underwear drawer will make it just that little bit easier!
Well thank God, is all I can say. Thank God someone is looking out for women in a positive, empowering, Occupy My Walls kind of way. Because being a woman is some seriously tough shit.
There’s the threat of sexual violence, the fashion industry imposing an impossible standard of beauty, fighting for equal compensation and opportunity in the workplace and trying to keep your giant, sloppy vagina from unravelling in your pants like a loose bragioli.
See the original post; there’s a video and graphics and all. It’s hilarious.
I suspect the background is Olympics commentary. The enraged tweets of stavvers are also hilarious.
So, wait, if your trousers don’t fit properly you need surgery…? OK, OK, fashion’s a serious business. I suppose it would be too shockingly indecent to say things like “If the trousers don’t fit, don’t wear them” or even “Don’t even buy them in the first place” (and save an additional $30).
Or you could…you know…wear some slightly less tight pants.
Never heard of camel toe being a bad thing but ok…
Actually I remember hearing about something like this before. Adult film stars having their labia clipped so they wouldn’t show in softcore films where penetration was implied but never actually depicted.
How dare you offer any kind of sensible solution?
Better fitting pants not magic polymer porno-devices.
Also 55% is a serious underestimate of this sad fashion problem. In some tragic communities, sufferers constitute 95% of women.
The video won’t load for me; oh well. The commentary is still awesome.
Also, that plastic thing looks tremendously uncomfortable. Wearing non-skintight pants is much easier. Wearing a skirt is also an option.
Noooooooo it’s totally necessary to keep the super-tight trousers and bikini bottoms and shorts while also at the same time pretending that that space where the legs come together is a solid piece of plastic like what Barbie has.
I found some Olympic commentary by the way.
Can we rename “camel toe” the “front wedgie”?
If your pants are trying to wedge up inside you, they don’t fit correctly, at least in that direction.
A friend of mine used to wear pants from Santa Cruz called “chi pants” that had a diamond shaped patch of extra fabric in the crotch that made the pants easier to move in. The classic pants pattern may have room for improvement.
So what’s it called when you can see a dude’s package? Camel neck?
Hahaha and then the testicles would be the camel’s hump!
Anyway I don’t see how you could get surgery to “fix” a camel toe, considering the toe part comes from getting fabric in between the labia majora, right? Surely no one would cut those off, that’s a LOT of flesh to excise.
If someone is cutting them off please do not tell me I really don’t want to know.
I’ve heard it called “moose knuckle.”
*evil cackle* They want super-tight pants and skimpy underwear, they can deal with my VPL and cottage cheese texture! Mwahahaha!
Hey let’s all marinate our underpants in anchovies before wearing! That’ll larn’em!
I am unutterably happy that Ophelia has discovered the term “camel toe.” However did you get so far in life not knowing?
Ehhhh… I don’t see the resemblance.
This Olympics I noticed that the US men sprinters were wearing really tight red running outfits — so tight that I could clearly see the outlines of their jockstraps. Also, when the slow-motion replay of their races was shown, I could see their balls bouncing from side to side. I wager that, apart from a few gay news websites, nobody is going to deride and body-shame them for this. Because they are men, you see! But as for women, by all means, let us point and snicker at their ‘camel toe’ and ass-cheeks and all that.
Camel toe, VPL, cellulite, ‘pant moustache’, the list goes on. Will we ever have a world where every single part of a woman’s body is not held up for public scrutiny and derison?
Well, in Britain we have – or had – Linford Christie’s lunchbox:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linford_Christie#Later_years_and_relationship_with_the_press
Ophelia@8: “pretending that that space where the legs come together is a solid piece of plastic like what Barbie has”
Well, technically, when you’re wearing one of these, the space where the legs come together is a solid piece of plastic:-)
Also, I like the fact that they keep it classy by having a little vine motif on it.
David – as someone said in the comments on that post, the nice decoration is so that the vagina would have something to look at.
Josh – what a silly question – by being a total nerd, of course!
Why is it no one is paying attention to the moose knuckle problem? I must assume it’s because feminists control the fashion and news industries and don’t care about men’s issues.
I’m so speechless that this is an issue, that I am compelled to comment on just how speechless I am.
It does sound nice en français, but what doesn’t?
@12, 16
According to urban dictionary the male usage is Canadian, and is otherwise evenly split between it being cameltoe from a very fat woman and tight pants on a guy.
Well, at least my french vocabulary has been enhanced. Thanks for that.
Well of course you would say that Dave. 😀
Do they have something that will help pubescent boys hide an erection in church? I mean, something other than the missal or songbook or whatever. Because that is an awkward body display through clothing.
I never heard of it either and I wish now that I had not. Thanks a lot.
I literally just got back home from buy two new pairs of super-fitted skinny jeans. I gotta say, if your pants/underwear are fitting that badly and awkwardly, other people’s delicate sensibilities are at the bottom of the triage list. One of the pairs I tried on attempted a similar kind of carnal congress with me and that’s why it didn’t get purchased. I’d rather not buy some dumbass plastic device (sounds hygienic!) when I could just wear something comfortable instead.
I’m going to sound like the world’s biggest Dear Muslima tone troll here… but that was on Etsy. Etsy exists for people to sell dumb shit on.
Ophelia, have you ever seen all the
vaginavulva jewelry and other trinkets laden with Mystikul Wombanhood Woo under the “Vaginas” tag on Regretsy? Here are two really special examples. (NSFW)OMG! That just made my night. Thank you, Ms. Daisy Cutter.
@21 & 26,
I believe the requisite item (known as a “box”) has already been invented and is in regular use by sportsmen of the Cricketing persuasion (& possibly others?). Unfortunately they are designed to be functional rather than attractive, so your one eyed trouser snake must do without the aesthetic advantages afforded to a lady’s genitalia by this Smooth Groove (c) product.
Cheers, Julian. The “Speculum Bird” was the one that really slayed me.
@29,
What is that I don’t even.
For further cultural education, I’m afraid I must introduce you to the term trouser gravy. This is the venom of the common trouser snake mentioned by James.
In a sentence:
“I could really use some trouser gravy right now.”
DAMN! Back when I rode men’s bicycles, I coulda USED a jock strap! I banged the HELL outta my clit once, jamming to a stop and STILL hitting the back of a car. I mean, that’ll take the bi out of cycle, real fast, sistah! Couldn’t u just put on a pair of cotton under wear? WTF?
Or these women could, you know, buy pants that actually fit.
Josh:
See, if I’d heard that expression without a definition, I’d have assumed it referred to the product of intestinal flu or food poisoning, or Ebola.
Also, I’m glad I finished eating lunch before I opened this thread.
Hahahaha red tent event hahahahahahaha that’s the funniest thing ever.
You live in a condo, not the Shire. Hahahahahaha