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Apr 17 2012

A millstone tied around his neck

Oh noes! Trusted Vatican janitor has been raping popes for decades.

The widely publicized trial revealed that Falduto, well regarded and affectionately referred to as “Beppe” by Vatican City residents, had over a period of six decades frequently exploited his position to compel Pope Paul VI, Pope John Paul I, Pope John Paul II, and Pope Benedict XVI to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

“The crimes committed by Mr. Falduto are of course shocking and deplorable,” said Dean of the College of Cardinals Angelo Sodano, adding that he had never previously suspected “kindly old Beppe” of any wrongdoing. “But perhaps most upsetting is the fact that this man gained the trust of high-ranking church authorities and then betrayed that trust by secretly defiling innocent popes.”

“These appalling acts caused tremendous psychological trauma for his victims, and we are currently reexamining our internal policies to safeguard the current and future papacy,” Sodano continued. “Even one pope molested is one too many.”

H/t The Onion.

4 comments

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  1. 1
    'Tis Himself

    Each time he was caught, Beppe had to say three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys and was sent to clean another part of the Vatican.

  2. 2
    jamessweet

    and a crying Pope Benedict XVI covered in semen.

    I really wish I hadn’t read that phrase. Eewww….

    (Sorry if this is a little age-ist. Still: Ew.)

  3. 3
    Bernard Hurley

    This reminds me of the joke about the Pope’s window cleaner:

    One day Giuseppe was cleaning the Vatican windows when he came across the Pope playing with himself. Normally window cleaners turn a blind eye to such things but Giuseppe thought he could make a bit of money form this. To keep him quiet the Pope agreed that Giuseppe’s company could have an exclusive contract to clean Vatican windows and he would be paid 1,000 times his normal fee.

    “What shall I say to the accountant?”, asked the Pontiff.

    “Just say the Giuseppe assured you that cleaning windows in the Vatican is a very skilled job, what with so many being ancient stained glass. Besides there are an awful lot of them and no other company will be willing to clean them for less.”

    The day of the audit arrived and the Vatican’s accountant asked he Pope why the window cleaning bill was so high and the Pope repeated Giuseppe’s words.

    “Oh!”, said the accountant, “He must have seen you coming!”

  4. 4
    Brian

    This is probably the wrong thread for this, so sorry. Here’s an article in the local rag, The Age, about a kid who’d gotten molestted by a priest, and who’s life was destroyed.

    http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/mother-cant-forget-the-day-she-lost-her-beautiful-boy-20120417-1x5p8.html

    It’s related to a parliamentary inquiry into the abuse by all religions here in Victoria. I’d hoped they’d have had a royal commission to really get to the bottom of all the abuse and cover ups not j, but it seems a bunch of politicians from each side of parliament will do the investigations. The politicians don’t want to do it as they don’t think they have the experience and nous to really investigate the problems, and think that a royal commission will full powers headed by an experienced QC would be better. Still, it’s better than nothing.
    On a personal note, the priest mentioned in the article, Paul Ryan, who was shifted from parish to parish, allowing him new victims, was my parish priest when I was a kid. We used to joke it was because of his love of the high life. Apparently he liked a few creature comforts like good food, and renovating the presbytery and so we inferred that’s why he was shifted on from poor country parishes that couldn’t afford him. I never got an invite to the presbytery, was too young I think. I remember this guy one day opining that it was god’s grace that allowed him to overcome the urges of the sexual drive when the topic came up in an informal discussion on priestly celibacy when my grade class went to learn about church from the local priest. My older brother got the invite for videos, steaks and grog and went. Don’t know if anything happened. I don’t speak with him anymore, but I think he’s denied anything untoward.

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