I watched someone fuck a crucifix

That’s my special way of saying that HUMP was fucking brilliant. Or brilliant fucking. Whichever way you want to look at it, it was amazing.

Me: *takes out a pen and paper*
Friend: …Are you going to take notes?
Me: I’m a blogger, shush!

It’s hard to explain exactly how much awesome was packed into these videos, but here were some highlights, including my personal picks for the awards:

  • Stop motion porn, with a literal pearl necklace representing ejaculation…and becoming a pearl necklace.
  • A fivesome…where two of the participants were alien blow up dolls.
  • Fucking on a pile of coffee beans, resulting in the beans being cutely stuck to the guy’s butt.
  • “Bukkake Circus” – yes, it involves bukkake AND scary clowns. I don’t know if it was more or less scary because it was animated.
  • A beautifully artistic video on fireplay
  • Items laying around indicating a raunchy public sexcapade…pan to the police car, only to find a couple that looks like your mom and dad sitting in the back. Hilariously cute ending.
  • Claymation monster sex.
  • The best It Gets Better Project video ever. The guy is trying to give a serious talk while being blown off camera. Once the camera pans out, they fuck like bunnies to prove that it indeed gets better. Much better.
  • A funny yet hot video on the do’s and don’ts of electricplay, where no people were actually shown, but the audio alone was amazing.
  • While the electricplay video was really hot, I had to vote for the most blasphemous video for Best Kink. It started with a nun masturbating to a photo of Jesus. I was dying at “Fuck me hard, Jesus!” but it just kept getting more and more blasphemous. She squirted all over a photo of Jesus. Then she finds some random guy on the street to blow, the whole time the both of them saying stuff like “My boyfriend Jesus is going to punish me for this…eternally.” The climax of the video involved the nun sticking the long skinny part of her crucifix necklace into the urethra of the guy’s penis. I already find sounding (yes, it has a name) uncomfortable to watch, but I think the fact that it was with a crucifix suitably shocked most of the audience. Oh, and while it was happening, the guy said “I feel the Lord inside me!” Yeah, now you know why I had to vote for this.
  • My vote for Best Sex went to the video where we learned that the logos for Apple and Nike were created after some hot as hell gay sex. Like, wow. The only bad thing about this video is that it means there are two more super attractive guys in the world who are gay *shakes fist*
  • The video I picked for Best of Show and Best Humor was insanely witty, and definitely received the most laughter from the audience. They took an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos and made porn videos to replace the original ones, but they fit absolutely perfectly with the host’s commentary and audience reactions. They even had pornified commercials, which were just as perfect. I laughed so hard I started to cry.

People kept asking me, “Don’t you think it’s going to be awkward watching porn in a room full of strangers – or worse, with friends?” Obviously those people don’t know me that well. The first video was super funny, which helped diffuse any tension that was in the room. But watching with other people is what made it even more enjoyable. Hearing the audience laugh or cry “aaauuuuugggghhhh” in unison was great, as was glancing over to see my friends’ reactions to a particularly funny or horrifying bit.

Friend: *whispers* That was my first gay sex video I’ve ever watched!
Me: *shakes hand*

Overall, I was impressed by the quality of the videos. Most were very well done cinematically and artistically. And honestly, the people were way more attractive and the sex was way hotter than your stereotypical porn because it wasn’t super fake. Seriously, porn industry, not everyone needs a foot long cock and fake boobs to make something erotic.

And a personal highlight – I finally got to meet Dan Savage! When we were waiting to go inside the theater he recognized me, said hello, gave me a hug, and then we chatted for a bit. I can’t get over how I listen to his podcast and read his posts on Slog religiously, and then he’s telling me that he reads my blog every day and is looking forward to my review of HUMP. It’s just so bizarrely awesome to have someone you respect so much say that. So, uh, hi Dan, and thanks!

HUMP managed to exceed my expectations, and I had pretty high expectations going in. This is definitely becoming a yearly tradition for me as long as I’m in Seattle – and maybe even beyond that!

I'm going to HUMP tonight!

…I mean the noun, not the verb! HUMP is Dan Savage’s brainchild – an amateur porn film festival right here in Seattle. I’m super excited. Everyone I’ve talked to who’s been before says it’s amazing – you know it’s going to be good when there’s a prize for “Best Humor.” And I hear the gays usually outdo the breeders, which is even better.

I still think a graduate school themed porno is just begging to be made. Think of the possibilities:

Student A: Sigh, another night all alone in the lab.
Student B: *knock knock* I have a reagent delivery for you… in my pants.
Student A: Oh yeah baby, make me matriculate! *six years later* Almost… there…

It would give a whole new meaning to “interdisciplinary collaborations.”

Feel free to amuse yourself with amusing graduate school themed innuendos and title suggestions in the comments.

Compared to the rest of the tree of life, your sex life is boring

Man, the news seems to be Animals After Dark the last couple of days. As a sex-obsessed biologist, I can’t exactly complain. Here are some neat stories:

  • Male wasp spiders only get one chance at love, since females eat them after mating. How romantic. It used to be believed that males preferred larger, more fertile females, but it looks like what male spiders really dig are virgins. I guess it’s not a bad strategy when the first male to mate with a female is most successful. Well, as long as he remembers to snap off his genital inside of her to form a chastity belt. (What, did I make some of you uncomfortable? Look, I had to stare at a scary spider to read that article for you, so shush)
  • Move over, Mary. A female boa constrictor has given virgin birth twenty two baby snakes. Parthenogenesis – the development of an embryo without fertilization from a male – has been documented in reptiles before, but this case is unique. You’re probably familiar with how sex is determined in mammals – XX are female, XY are male. It many reptiles and birds, the homogametic (same sex chromosome) sex is reversed – ZZ are male, ZW are female. The surprising thing is that all of the virgin offspring were WW, which was previously thought to be nonviable. They are all essentially half clones of their mother, resulting in a duplication of just half of her genome. That, or God is sending an interesting message with his species choice for the second coming.

Mmmm, sexy brains

No, I haven’t turned into a picky zombie. I’m talking about the Skepticon pin-up calendars.To me, nothing is sexier than intelligence… but having a nice body that’s photographed very artistically is a plus too.

Skepticon is November 19-21 in Springfield, Missouri, and will feature amazing speakers like PZ Myers, Greta Christina, Amanda Marcotte, James Randi, Debbie Goddard, Dan Barker, D.J. Grothe, and Rebecca Watson. Not only is it notorious for being so awesome, but it’s free. You can help keep it that way by buying a calendar.

Oh, and apparently if they sell 600, Hemant will pose next year. Need I say more?

Summing up the cultural difference between Seattle and Indiana

This morning I’m going to “Smut and Eggs,” a gathering of awesome people to watch gay porn while eating brunch. Then tonight I’m going to the gay bar by my house to sing karaoke with a guy who’s actually not gay, but just shares my appreciation for gay culture (aka fabulousness). And then next Friday I’m going to Hump!, “The Pacific Northwest’s biggest and best amateur-and-locally-produced porn festival” and pet project of Dan Savage.

…I’ve come a long way from a one-gay-bar-city and anti-porn evangelical Christian events. Trying to hold back the tears of pervy joy…

Am I supposed to be giving sex advice now?

Why is Dan Savage in Indiana? Have we traded places?

Though I am genuinely curious. He’s been making posts about being in Bloomington, IN for a while – almost since I moved to Seattle. Is IU getting up to some awesome sexual shenanigans again? Man, why can’t Purdue be cool enough to have Dan Savage visit, let alone camp out there?

I mean, I’ve always been the unofficial Sex Advice Giver of my group of friends, thanks to scientific curiosity. Freshman year of high school I had the “Birds and the Bees” event in Science Olympiad, which forced me to learn a lot about human sexually. Soon I had read everything on Scarlet Teen and Ask Anne, and then I spent many years listening to Love Line. And then I spent many years listening to the Savage Lovecasts to undo most of the sexist crap I learned from Love Line (though it wasn’t all bad). Add to that the four classes I took at Purdue dealing with sex*, and all the random books** and papers I’ve read, and… well, yep, I’m a bit academically obsessed.

So, sex advice wouldn’t be out of character for me. Though I guess I’m really only qualified to talk about rodent sexuality. I’m going to guess no one is having problems with their partner’s copulatory plugs.

Hopefully.

*For the curious:
Sex, Gender, & Sexology (Health and Kinesiology Dept)
Human Sexuality (Psychology Dept)
Evolutionary Psychology (Psychology Dept)
Sex & Evolution (Biology Dept)

**I highly recommend:
Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation
The Red Queen
As Nature Made Him

Apparently even Humanists can be sex-negative

This excerpt was meant to advertise Jennifer Hancock’s new book, The Humanist Approach to Happiness: Practical Wisdom. What it actually accomplished was making me think it was all a load of bullshit that I most definitely am not going to waste my money on.

The Costs and Consequences of Sex

“Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.”

– George Carlin

Everything has a cost. Before you act, you really need to consider whether you can handle the consequences. And this is doubly true when it comes to sex.

Okay, sure, with you so far!

Anyone who tells you that sex is no big deal is either lying or isn’t doing it right.

And the alarm bells start flashing. This sounds like it’s about to set us up for some awesome “Sex is only safe and pleasurable when in a monogamous relationship!” bullshit typically used by Christians. Let’s see!

Sex is a big deal and it has emotional, physical, and sometimes financial consequences. Before you have sex with someone, make sure you are prepared for those consequences. This is where being responsible comes into play.

Your Heart

First and foremost is your heart. If you are having sex for the wrong reasons, you will regret it afterward, and that kind of ruins the experience.

Okay, sure. If you’re having casual sex but what you want and expect is a long term monogamous relationship, probably not going to end so well. And vice versa – if you want something casual but you’re trapped in a long term monogamous relationship, you’re probably not going to be very happy. That’s what you’re about to say, right?

Sex is best when it is a loving expression of your feelings for another person. When you are sharing a part of yourself in a very intimate way with someone you love, it can be magical.

JK. Sex is only supposed to be with someone you love. Except that many studies have shown that casual sex is not emotionally damaging and can actually lead to stable relationships.

If, however, you are having sex to keep your partner with you, then when (not if) they leave you, you will be miserable. The question you need to ask yourself is, if the worst that could happen happens and this person never calls you again, how will you feel about what you have done?

Your Health

Having sex with the wrong individual can kill you. Sexual transmitted diseases (STDs) are real, and if you have sex, you are at risk of contracting one. You can mitigate that risk by choosing your sexual partners very carefully, making sure that you are only having sex in mutually exclusive relationships, making sure each partner is tested for STDs before engaging in sex, and using protection anyway. If you think all this would kill the moment, consider how bad it would be if it actually killed you instead.

Sex can obviously lead to pregnancy, even if you use precautions. And if you aren’t prepared for that possibility, you might want to hold off on having sex until and unless you are ready to handle an unintended pregnancy. Also, if you don’t think your partner can handle that consequence, don’t have sex with him or her.

Wow, can you say sex-negative? This is reminiscent of a deep South’s high school’s sex education. OMG NEVER HAVE SEX BECAUSE YOU’LL DIIIEEEEE! Or worse, GET PREGNANT!!!!11!!one!!!

Look, people. Yes, STDs are a problem. Yes you should always use protection, get tested for STDs, and sleep with people you have at least some level of trust with. But the way to deal with them is not through fear mongering and omitting practical information (ironic given the title of the book). This is exactly what abstinence only education programs do, and they’ve actually been shown to increase the rates of STDs in teens. Knowledge is power.

Stuff like this contributes to society’s stigma about STDs. You know, most STDs really aren’t that bad. Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Syphilis can be cured with antibiotics. 65-90% of people have Herpes 1 (“oral” Herpes, though it’s not limited to the mouth), and 15% of people have Herpes 2. Symptoms can be reduced to practically nothing with medication. And about 80% of sexually active Americans have HPV, though it usually clears without any symptoms showing.

Does anyone want an STD? No, just like no one wants bronchitis or any other disease. The stigma is blown so out of proportion compared to the actual harm, and fear mongering adds to that. But people shouldn’t feel like getting an STD is the end of the world. That can have more consequences than the actual disease (source: read any sex advice column).

Your Money

Finally, there are sometimes financial consequences. Sex with prostitutes isn’t the only sort of sex that costs money. Having a child, even if you give it away, costs money. Contracting an STD costs money. Affairs can be very expensive. People have lost their jobs because of sex. Do you want sex badly enough to lose your job, or get extorted by a spurned lover who is threatening you? If not, then it is best to keep your pants on and pass on that offer of free sex. Nothing is ever free.

…

The Humanist Approach to Sex

“In all sexual encounters, commitment to humane and humanistic values should be present.”

– The American Humanist Association, Sexual Bill of Rights and Responsibilities

Sex is a big deal. There are consequences to having sex and you should be prepared for those consequences before engaging in sex with anyone. The Humanist approach to sexuality is that it should be pleasurable, loving, and free of guilt.

Free of guilt? …Does anyone see the irony in that statement compared to the guilt-filled paragraphs that proceeded it?

But that doesn’t mean that anything goes. With the freedom to express your sexuality comes responsibility. From a Humanist perspective, sexual morality cannot be separated from general morality. Both must include compassion, ethics, and responsibility.

Whether any given sex act is morally acceptable from a Humanist perspective really depends on whether it helps the people involved become happy or causes suffering. Sexual pleasure must not come at the expense of someone else’s happiness.

To make sure sex is a source of both pleasure and happiness for you, take precautions to keep yourself and your partners safe. Don’t develop unrealistic expectations for yourself or your partners through the irresponsible use of pornog
raphy or other forms of sexually fantasy. Choose your partners wisely. And always approach sex as a responsible, educated, compassionate, and ethical person.

I do agree with her closing remarks, mainly because I do consider myself a Humanist. But that just makes the previous paragraphs even more disappointing. Precautions, responsibility, and avoiding harm shouldn’t be connected to guilt trips about monogamy and fear mongering about STDs. Not to mention she provides no actual evidence for what she’s saying. Seriously, sex-positivity FAIL.

I wish there was The Atheist’s Guide to Sex to counter this. Featuring Greta Christina, Dan Savage, Heidi Anderson, Jen McCreight…

New York Recap Part3: Best burlesque show ever

If I haven’t given you enough evidence of how awesome my sister-in-law Erin is, she took me to Coney Island for a burlesque show. Not just any burlesque show… but Colonel Cornstar’s Cuntry Fair. Complete with a heavy petting zoo.Yes, a farm themed burlesque show. You know it had to be awesome.

But the cherry on top was the celebrity sighting we had there. We were standing in line waiting to get in when someone walked by who looked oddly familiar. I thought maybe I was seeing things, since 1) he was way more stubbly looking than usual and 2) we had just talked about seeing celebrities not an hour before, so maybe I just had celebrities on the brain. I peered at him as he was buying a drink two feet away, and eventually poked Erin, and she confirmed.

It was Ted Allen of Chopped, Food Detectives, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! I’m a Food Network fan and he’s my favorite persona (well, tied with Alton Brown), not to mention my favorite one from the Fab Five. He was there with his boyfriend and a couple of friends. I definitely flailed with glee. By pure luck I ended up sitting about two seats away from him.

The show itself was hilarious and awesome. I loved the pig who was covered in balloons, popped them with her tail, and then jumped in a bucket of “mud.” Ted Allen appeared to really get a kick out of the I Want Candy bit:

As the night went on, the skits became more bizarre and less farm themed. They included:

  • A conservative homophobic uber Christian coming out looking like Hester Prynne, stripping down as she has a crisis of faith, and then pulling fifteen feet of rainbow rope out of her vagina. If you think I’m making this up, there’s a NSFW video here.
  • A “white trash” girl screwed herself with one of those long skinny spiral lollipops. Yes, literally. I have no idea why or what that had to do with the rest of the show, but it definitely got a reaction out of the audience.
  • The inspiration for all of my future nightmares. She came out wearing a terrifying clown mask and 6 inch heels, and threw squirt guns into the audience while holding a sign that said “Shoot the Freak.”

Here she is:And here’s Ted Allen shooting the freak:Unfortunately he was always busy with his friends or getting a picture taken with the naked Pig Girl, so I didn’t get a chance to butt in and awkwardly ask for a photo. I didn’t realize until later that he was also a Purdue alumni – I could have had a good intro! Ah well. The experience alone was worth it. I mean, how many people get to say they watched a burlesque show with Ted Allen?

Delightfully bizarre.

(Videos via Year in Dance, the blog of the dancer with the magical rainbow rope hiding vagina)

New York Recap Part2: SEX!

On the Friday after my photoshoot I decided to hit up a couple New York museums. First I headed over to the Museum of Sex, which a bunch of my readers suggested to me. Man, I have no idea why you guys thought I would want to go to this place. Do I look like some sex obsessed biologist to you?
…Don’t answer that.

The gift shop alone was worth the visit. It included everything from sex books and sex toys, to sex themed plates to this horrifying bunny bondage mask:
I thought the Donnie Darko bunny mask was as scary as it gets. I was wrong.

The museum itself was very cool. It was a little weird going through it without a friend, because I was That One Creepy Loner Person staring at bondage get ups and famous pornos. But it was still neat. The first exhibit was all on kinks. It ranged from typical stuff like porn to stuff like balloon popping or feeder fetishes. I was particularly amused by this antique fanfiction:
I know, you’ll never look at Donald Duck or Olive Oil the same way. You’re welcome.

As a perfect example of why I needed a partner in crime, they had Real Dolls on display that you could touch. I was going to try it out of curiosity, but then another Creepy Loner Guy came up and rubbed at the female, and it was just creepy as hell. So, yeah, I wimped out. I regret it!
One of their special exhibits was on condoms. A lot of it was educational, so not really new to me, but I loved all the different condom cases they had on display. These three were by far my favorite (click image for larger):
For those of you who can’t read it, Sarah Palin’s says “When abortion is not an option,” Obama’s says “Use with good judgement,” and McCain’s says “Old but not expired.” Though I like my sister-in-law’s suggestion for an Obama condom – “For when hope is not enough.”

The final exhibit was on animal sexuality, so I definitely spent the most time in there geeking out. It was odd reading all the information and seeing names of people that I not only recognized, but have actually met. I knew a lot of the stuff, but I learned a lot of fun facts. Did you know elephant clitorises are 17 inches when erect? Well now you do, and you can’t forget that. Again, you’re welcome.

I was a bit disappointed they didn’t have anything on copulatory plugs, though. Who doesn’t want to learn about natural chastity belts?! I’ll have to send them my paper once it’s published.

On the way out, I was greeted by a cute mime wearing nothing but an American flag speedo on stilts. Yay New York!
My next stop was the Museum of Modern Art, or MoMA. I absolutely loved it. I didn’t research it much before going, so I was shocked by how many famous pieces were there. Persistence of Memory, Girl Before a Mirror, Christina’s World, I and the Village, the Campbell Soup Cans… I was overwhelmed. I literally got goosebumps when I turned the corner and there was Starry Night.

But I also enjoyed the less traditional modern art, partially for its silliness. I mean, how can you not like Yoko Ono’s wall of butts?
The best part was the young girl who was pointing at the butts giggling like crazy, trying to point it out to her mom. In French. I don’t speak any French, but it was like the universal language of juvenile humor.

Best atheist sex toy ever

I did leave out one highlight from my St. Louis trip because it was so awesome that it deserved a post of its own. I received what could very well be the Most Hilariously Creative Atheist Gift Ever:Me: *pulling gift out of bag* Oh, cute, a Flying Spaghetti Monster! …*thinking* Wait, what is it attached to? Is this a blind fold? …There’s more in the bag…
Me: …*look of confusion*
Everyone else: *looks of extreme amusement*

I’m now the proud owner of a Flying Spaghetti Monster bondage set.

Seriously, I’m not sure if this level of awesomeness can be topped. The St. Louis Skeptics have set the bar pretty damn high when it comes to creative godless gifts. I’m afraid to challenge future groups I visit to try and top this… but I’m not going to discourage them either.

Thanks for the awesome gift, St. Louis Skeptics, especially Claire, who I believe was the one who made it (if I’m wrong, please correct me! All your names started blurring together by 3am!). I think this is definitely a untapped niche market. Get cracking on that Atheist Sex Toy Etsy Shop!