Shocker: Vatican uptight about another pointless thing

Sometimes the Vatican likes to take a break from condemning raped little girls for their abortion and sending our progress with sex education in Africa back to the dark ages. Now its focus is on the movie Angels & Demons, the prequel to Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. Apparently they’re gearing up for a boycott (surprise, surprise). I still wonder how people can get so upset over works of fiction…but this is the Vatican we’re talking about, and they sort of specialize in having a hard time separating reality from fantasy.

Anyway, Angels & Demons has more important things to worry about than a Vatican boycott…mainly, that the Da Vinici Code movie sucked ass. Maybe they’re just hoping there are a lot of people like me out there who loved the books (and love sticking it to the Vatican) and are willing to pay nine dollars and masochisticly subject themselves to another horrible film.

Jen watches the Watchmen

Finally saw Watchmen tonight. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m lagging a bit behind…oh well. To be completely honest, I had never even heard of Watchmen before all the advertisement and internet buzz. I had to Wikipedia it to learn that it was a originally a comic book. But before you crucify me for saying that, keep in mind that I’m female. The fact that I was in love with Batman back when it was an animated series in the 90′s is about as good at you’re going to get.

In general, I thought it was a good movie. It was cinematically beautiful, entertaining, and had great characters. The plot seemed a little slow to develop, but I’ll let it slide since I was intrigued the whole way through. Now, even though I didn’t have any fangirlish images on how the movie should compare to the comics, I have been listening to hype for over a week, and I have to say, I’m disappointed over a two things:

1. Dr. Manhattan’s blue wang. All I’ve heard is how distracting it is, omg full frontal male nudity penis !!!111!!!one! Really? Most of the time I didn’t even notice it was there. From all the hype I was expecting dramatic close ups with his schlong taking up 3/4ths of the screen. Instead I had to squint to confirm that, yes, yes that is a penis. Oddly disappointed.Oh, but boyfriend splitting into two versions of himself for a threesome? Yes plz.

2. Not enough blood and sex. Yep, you heard me right. I was expecting exploding heads continuously throughout the movie. I had psyched myself up for the sadistic crackbaby of 300 and Sin City, so I was surprised when all I got was the occasional vaporized human. Actually, I’m glad this is all I got, since I’m pretty squeemish and girly when it comes to that sort of stuff. I’m proud of myself that I only had to close my eyes during one scene (I like my hands attached, thank you)!

And I had people telling me that Watchmen was basically porn. Um, what? Have you even watched porn before, people? If anything Watchmen gave us one of the most realistic sex moments the theater has seen in a long time with fumbly-McNervouspants Nite Owl (who is my new favorite super hero. I love superdorks <3). While the later sex scene was pretty awesomely gratuitous, it still didn't live up to my expectations of "Two superheroes going on a murderous rampage while fucking each other. No, seriously, like screwing and blood just splattering everywhere and they're totally getting off on it."

…Um, whoever told me this, did we watch the same movie? …Oh, you accidentally watched Sexxxy Blood Fiends 3000 instead? Well, that makes so much more sense! Honest mistake, really. …And yes, someone did say that exact thing to me.

The fact that I can come away from the movie with such a different opinion than someone else worries me a bit. Are they just that upset by sex and violenced, or have I become unnaturally numb to all of it due to years of subjecting myself to horrible fanfiction? Am I weird for wanting more blue peen? Or more importantly, am I allowed to fangirl Nite Owl without having read the comic?