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Jun 07 2012

I get comments: Slut edition

Someone found an ancient post just to call me slut:

I’m gonna have to side with the hater–using the term “sex positive” doesn’t make you come across as a well-rounded human being. It depresses me to think of how young you probably were when you lost it. And since then you haven’t slowed down your tampin’ around, clearly

I’m all about liberalism, but a slut is a slut, even if you do have good politics. Sex has ruined a lot of people. Be an infidel if you want, but God does exist–I’m sure of it, honey. And if you’re not with God, well, you’re with…

I assume their answer is Satan, but we can come up with something more entertaining than that. Dear readers, can you please enlighten me who I’ve been hanging out with instead of God that’s turned me into such a slutty-slut?

110 comments

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  1. 1
    Improbable Joe, bearer of the Official SpokesGuitar

    … Paris Hilton?

  2. 2
    Fiona

    me!

    And teh interwebz

  3. 3
    Spencer

    Ricky Martin.

  4. 4
    Three Ninjas

    John Dupras and his marble ass.

  5. 5
    Jen

    Like.

  6. 6
    Gordon

    Isnt Jesus the real “slut”, trying to have a relationship with everyone?

  7. 7
    kevinlyda

    Hm. Maybe a list…

    * Bristol Palin
    * Catholic priests
    * Newt Gingrich
    * Bonobo monkeys
    * Gengis Kahn
    * The Duggars

  8. 8
    William Brinkman

    You’re with the reformed spirit of Hitchens! Hey, who is to say he didn’t change his ways after his death. ;)

  9. 9
    LS

    Someone who exists, probably.

    This reminds me of a series of comments I got from a fellow called “Eternal Cartesian” on my short lived philosophy blog. Dude commented frequently about how “many philosophers have viewed drugs and sex as harmful to the intellect” and how I should remain “pure in my search for truth.”

    Fun times.

  10. 10
    lazyHuman

    …if you’re not with God, well, you’re with child. Because only god can prevent pregnancy.

  11. 11
    Alteredstory

    Well, FSM, DOES have all those tentacle-like noodly appendages…

  12. 12
    Alteredstory

    Well, FSM DOES have all those tentacle-like noodly appendages…

  13. 13
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    With the occasional exception.

  14. 14
    LS

    Damn, that’s good.

  15. 15
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    The band?

    The road crew?

    All of the above?

  16. 16
    Alteredstory

    Oh no! Double post! Kill it with fire!

    *hangs head in shame* I blame the sketchy internet where I’m at. Thought it didn’t go through.

  17. 17
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    I’m gonna have to side with the hater–using the term “sex positive” doesn’t make you come across as a well-rounded human being. It depresses me to think of how young you probably were when you lost it. And since then you haven’t slowed down your tampin’ around, clearly

    I’m all about liberalism, but a slut is a slut, even if you do have good politics. Sex has ruined a lot of people. Be an infidel if you want, but God does exist–I’m sure of it, honey. And if you’re not with God, well, you’re with…

    Translation:

    Jen is clearly having much more and/or better sex than I am and I am jealous as shit.

    I sympathize. *pouts* ;/

  18. 18
    Fiona

    LIKE

  19. 19
    Akheloios

    Leonard Nimoy.

    Not for any political, philosphical or religious reasons, I just think it would be far cooler to hang round with him than any god.

  20. 20
    Kels

    …PZ Myers.

    Well, not WITH with, ifyouknowwhatImean. You’s jes’ good buds.

  21. 21
    Kels

    So does Cthulhu….

    Wait, has anyone ever seen the both of them at the same time?

  22. 22
    Marie the Bookwyrm

    um….Aphrodite?

    No, wait! Cybele! She’s the one who’s priests castrated themselves, right?

  23. 23
    Arancaytar

    I’m all about liberalism … but if you’re not with God, well, you’re with

    … with a straight face?

  24. 24
    Arancaytar

    (That was questioning him saying it with a straight face, not completing the sentence, which doesn’t really make sense anyway.)

  25. 25
    Maria Ann

    I’m going to go with Harrison Ford, because the man is nearly SEVENTY but I would still totally hit that.

  26. 26
    Jasen777

    Big list here: http://www.lowchensaustralia.com/names/godslove.htm

    I guess I’ll go with Xtabay, goddess of seduction.

  27. 27
    gabrielwrites

    Ted Haggard

  28. 28
    Steppenwolf

    Charlie Sheen.

  29. 29
    Screamer77

    Spaghetti Monster! :)

  30. 30
    CycleNinja

    …the cool kids.

  31. 31
    dexitroboper

    Sister Sweden of course.

  32. 32
    Ted Powell

    Dionysus, son of Zeus and Semele, God of Wine, Theatre, and Ecstasy. (Check out the picture at the link.)

  33. 33
    Ophelia Benson

    The one what brung ya?

  34. 34
    Ophelia Benson

    God’s rebellious sister.

  35. 35
    Ophelia Benson

    Loki.

  36. 36
    Caliguy7281

    You’re with Coco?

  37. 37
    Ophelia Benson

    …people who are a lot more fun.

  38. 38
    SteveInMI

    Wow… concerned troll IS concerned!

  39. 39
    ednaz

    Maria Ann says:

    I’m going to go with Harrison Ford, because the man is nearly SEVENTY but I would still totally hit that.

    LIKE!

  40. 40
    carlie

    …out a care in the world?

  41. 41
    TerranRich

    …out a doubt correct.

  42. 42
    'Tis Himself

    …the godless.

  43. 43
    WithinThisMind

    dignity!

  44. 44
    Yoder

    Duh? Dan Savage. He’s had that effect on a lot of people.

  45. 45
    Brian

    Dear readers, can you please enlighten me who I’ve been hanging out with instead of God that’s turned me into such a slutty-slut?

    There’s only one possible answer, isn’t there?

    MEN.

    C’mon, folks. That’s a gimme.

  46. 46
    Stacy

    …demons. Slutty demons. Sexy, slutty demons who look like James Dean and Elvis and Johnny Depp all rolled into one. They hold your gaze with their hooded eyes and when you blush they boldly look you up and down and then their eyes return to yours and they give a little grin, just a half-grin, as if to say they know what they like and they like what they see, and then….

    …I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

  47. 47
    Salmo

    Tampin’?

  48. 48
    BT Murtagh

    The Virgin Mary… no, wait, I meant Gilbert Gottfried.

    I always mix those two up.

  49. 49
    Sandy

    …the grown-ups?

  50. 50
    iknklast

    Tim Minchin.

  51. 51
    Kris

    Zeus had a lot of sex. Maybe you’re with him.

  52. 52
    Marcelo

    By that list there are chinese gods of sodomy, face cream(?!), a marriage arranger, one for brothels/lasciviousness/prostitution/sex and of course fertility.

    Chinese gods parties must be awesome.

  53. 53
    BonnieBeth

    …so does this poor bunny.

  54. 54
    Eric RoM

    Cthulu.

  55. 55
    Paddy

    Well since you’re a “slutty” slut…

    The Oakland Raiders, all 53 of ‘em.

  56. 56
    eNeMeE

    Reality!

  57. 57
    C Rowan

    You’re with everybody except Ian… and Ian hates that.

  58. 58
    C Rowan

    “Ian” being the person who made the comment.

  59. 59
    abeille

    I think we were talking about Johnny Depp.

    Mmmmm Johnny Depp. <3

  60. 60
    abeille

    Oh!

    Ray Comfort!

    You know he’ll bring the bananas. ;)

  61. 61
    Jaws

    Well, if she’s going to be a slut, it can’t be with just one man.

    It must be with many men.

    Many white, religious men who know how to put a a woman in her place.

    All at once.

    Porn optional.
    </sarcasm>

  62. 62
    tim rowledge, Ersatz Haderach

    if you’re not with God, well, you’re with…

    Well, obviously it’s actually missing some important words there. Let’s see what my AdvancedQuantumDoohickey can make of the rest of that packet. Ah –
    “if you’re not with God, well, you’re **Withheld for National Security Reasons**”
    That makes so much more sense than the original.

  63. 63
    Ted Powell

    Tampin’ is what Phineas Gage was doing at the time of the accident.

  64. 64
    mouthyb, Vagina McTits

    …with a better group of people than Ian (the fella who typed that comment)?

  65. 65
    Gilgamesh

    This is going to sound like a stupid question, but is there some sort of cumulative points system or something for losing your virginity? Does your vagina charge up with a power attack like a Dragon Ball Z character, and the longer you wait the more devastating the fireball or something? If you make it to 23 you get superpowers, but if the hymen is ruptured you’re out of luck? Do you get a larger cake the more years you go without having had sex?
    That’s the only reason I can fathom that Ian gets depressed thinking about how young Jen was when she “lost it” (“it”, I assume, being her ability to call unicorns, or translate Linear B, or… what’s special about virginity again? I’ve lost track.)

  66. 66
    neleabels

    God and homeopathy…

  67. 67
    mouthyb, Vagina McTits

    Gilgamesh: I don’t know about anyone else, but I can shoot rainbows and unicorns from my cunt. Comes in handy when I want to distract geeks.

  68. 68
    Ray Moscow

    Science! Which ulitimately is of the devil.

    http://i48.tinypic.com/2llhfs1.jpg

  69. 69
    Rumtopf

    Aah, those dastardly incubi.

  70. 70
    carpenterman

    Who turned you into such a slutty slut? Who cares? Once you’ve reached the promised land, does it matter which camel you rode on (so to speak)?
    Being able to have sex anytime we want is arguably the best thing about being a primate. Never, ever trust anyone who tells you you should be having less sex.

  71. 71
    Johnny Vector

    The boys in the crew are just waiting for you!

    Sorry, that has nothing to do with the post, it’s just an automatic reaction in my brain. But since the original comment has nothing to do with reality, I think we’re square.

  72. 72
    Noadi

    Don’t forget Sean Connery, he’s over 80 and still sexy.

  73. 73
    Kilian Hekhuis

    Damn, beat me to it!

  74. 74
    Pierce R. Butler

    … Poseidon, bringer of ‘quakes!

    …-out a care!

    …your own hot self!

  75. 75
    Stacy

    Mary’s version of The Aristocrats is funnier.

  76. 76
    sqlrob

    Dear readers, can you please enlighten me who I’ve been hanging out with instead of God that’s turned me into such a slutty-slut?

    Anybody but the commenter, obviously.

  77. 77
    littlejohn

    Rick Santorum. Just google his name!

  78. 78
    James

    Love the Zappa quote.

  79. 79
    Corvus illustris

    More likely one of them there ithyphallic satyrs mentioned in the link.

  80. 80
    d cwilson

    Thor. Nobody knows how to swing a “hammer” better.

    (walks away)

    (walks back)

    The hammer is his penis.

  81. 81
    CyberLizard

    Ron Jeremy

  82. 82
    daenyx

    Damn you! Beat me to it. ^_^

  83. 83
    John Horstman

    I’m still wondering about the bit where sex somehow “ruined a lot of people.” Someone touches one’s genitals and suddenly one can’t hold down a job? One can’t engage in lively conversation? One becomes a humorless troll? One becomes permanently catatonic? I’ve never seen that happen. In what way can sex possibly “ruin” someone?

    (Note: rape or sexual assault can obviously be very traumatic for someone, though I would still not consider a victim/survivor of either “ruined”, nor would I consider either to be “sex” on the part of the victim/survivor.)

  84. 84
    daenyx

    Sanguine, clearly!

  85. 85
    Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle

    Seconded eleven billionty times.

  86. 86
    The Rose

    You’re with … As in Queen’s “Death On Two Legs (dedicated to …)”. According to Freddie Mercury, it’s about a … we call, Death On Two Legs!

  87. 87
    The Rose

    And, of course, when you look at … under the microscope, you see that it’s really @§@

    — FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER! —

  88. 88
    Nick

    The Lesbian Infidel Mafia.

  89. 89
    Marcus

    Virginity makes coffee taste better. From what I remember at least.

  90. 90
    FORMER Fetus

    AS A CATHOLIC, I have a hard time understanding why Evangelicals get so vexed by the ‘sinning’ of atheists. A new outlook is certainly needed.

    It’s about understanding limitations.

    Most Evangelicals I know would not be triggered by any ‘wrongdoing’ committed by the mentally retarded, or the mentally handicapped, yet they expect atheists should act like Christians!

    Atheists remain hostile to God, they don’t have God’s gift of grace and they likely never will—sure there will be exceptions, but by and large…let your expectations go. Bring to mind what Jesus said regarding pearls and swine. And pre-destination. Atheists mock Christianity because they lack an analytical mind. And grace. They do acknowledge scientific truth, but fail to see other forms of truth.

    So, as Christians, we should live out our lives, champion and guard the Faith at all times, at all costs…while working to minimize the inherent damage to any society that an atheistic influence will naturally bring.

    Legalized abortion was brought into our society entirely by atheists (Planned Parenthood) and thousands of precious, innocent, babies are denied their lives and murdered, in cold blood, in the most grisly ways…every day, as the direct result of the success of this atheistic dogma. Only an atheist can look you in the eye with utter detachment (from their humanity) and justify infanticide.

    Don’t chastise atheists.

    Just deconstruct everything they do.

  91. 91
    Johnny Vector

    What? What??? Are you telling me…. Really? I had no idea… Are you sure?

    CATHOLIC is an acronym?

    What does it stand for?

    Crazy Aged Theologians Hurling Out Lotsa Incoherent Crap?
    Completely Addicted To Honoring Ovum Like Itsa Child?

    (the rule of threes says there should be another. I got nothin’)

  92. 92
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    No, I suppose coffee someone had had sex with wouldn’t be all that appealing.

  93. 93
    sambarge

    FMR Fetus,

    I appreciate that facts and evidence aren’t a big part of your congnitive processes, but abortion was available and legal before Planned Parenthood. Abortion, as a means of birth control, has a long history.

    I won’t even touch on the rest of your post because I don’t care if Catholics don’t like Evangelicals. You’re both wrong and it hardly matters who is “more wrong.” This isn’t the Irrational Olympics. You don’t get the gold.

  94. 94
    FORMER Fetus

    Actually sambarge…you’re shy of the facts.

    Planned Parenthood was around long before abortion was legalized at the national level in the USA.

    Some states allowed for abortion in cases of rape, incest or threat to a woman’s health. Planned Parenthood didn’t invent abortion, they just worked through court challenges, leafletting, and talks etc. behind the scenes, to help effect change in then current laws, first challenging contraceptive restrictions, then on to unrestricted national access to abortion, which PP wrongly sees as another form of contraception.

    But, Roe is under pressure these days!

    Hippy-dippy court justice decisions of the 70s, 80s and 90s are being seen now as polarized and inadequate. Idiots that pronounced judgments based solely on the rights of women in the past, have been replaced by more mature, thoughtful justices who are also acknowledging the rights of the fetus, and (oh, no) even the father of the child!

    See, non-Christian Americans may just make it out of that basement yet, and finally join Christians as equal partners in humanity.

    Yes, we may have to drag atheists and female-rights cultists kicking and screaming into the 21st Century, but we will. Count on it.

    Who said Catholics don’t like Evangelicals? I didn’t. They mean well, but like you, they’re just wrong.

    Atheists and Evangelicals have the same shortcomings. Evangelicals are biblical literalists. Atheists are biblical stumblers. Both can’t take passages of the Bible in context. Both also fail at successful integration of seemingly contradictory passages of the Bible.

    When atheists or Evangelicals come at me with a passage, I usually ask them one question that is somewhat miraculous in its effect.

    “Do you realize there is more than one passage in the Bible?

    They never do~

  95. 95
    JohnM

    Still waiting for context.

  96. 96
    JohnM

    And not just any kind of relationship. No, he wants a personal, intimate relationship with everyone.

  97. 97
    Subtract Hominem, a product of Nauseam

    And if you’re not with God, well, you’re with…

    …stupid→

  98. 98
    Johnny Vector

    “Do you realize there is more than one passage in the Bible?

    So when people point out that the bible is self-contradictory, your response is to point out that it has contradictions?

    BRILLIANT!

  99. 99
    Nick Gotts

    Ah. Another moron who can’t tell the difference between reality and fairy tales, or a fetus and an infant.

  100. 100
    Nick Gotts

    Ah. Another misogynist who thinks women do not merit bodily autonomy. How boring. Of course, if one’s aim were really to minimise abortions, one would favour unlimited access to contraception.

  101. 101
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    the rights of the fetus,

    No one has the right to commander someone else’s body, whether to keep themselves alive…

    and (oh, no) even the father of the child!

    …or for the purpose of reproduction.

    If you cannot force someone to donate a kidney, you cannot force someone to donate a uterus.

    End. Of. Fucking. Discussion.

  102. 102
    Celeste

    I know I’m late to the party, but this…totally this.

    Now I want to go read more Kim Harrison.

  103. 103
    skeptifem

    Saw a lot of this sentiment in Right Wing Women by dworkin (from the right wing women, not andrea obviously).

  104. 104
    Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle

    I need a new lung. So, you have to give me one of yours.

  105. 105
    Raging Bee

    He’s “all about liberalism,” but he HAS to side with the haters? What a jucking foke.

  106. 106
    Rory

    Best thing Nathan Fillion’s ever said, or best thing Nathan Fillion will ever say?

  107. 107
    EDH

    Atheists mock Christianity because they lack an analytical mind.

    Three things on that: 1) Are you saying that atheists lack the analytical mind that comes from relying on one book for all your answers and listening to a priest? 2) Atheists mock Christianity (the members of) because they (said Christians) lack an analytical mind. 3) Analytical – I do not think that word means what you think it means.

    …but fail to see other forms of truth.

    Lets talk about a little bit of truth. Humans created Zeus and his cohorts (not to mention their predecessors) because they needed to explain things they didn’t understand and as a way to keep people in line. More humans altered those gods to create Jupiter and his cohorts because they weren’t Greek and they needed a way to explain things they didn’t understand and keep people in line.

    Humans created Odin (Wodin), Freya, Thor, etc. because they needed to explain things they didn’t understand and to keep people in line (nothing like promising an awesome afterlife to heroes of battle to keep your people fighting). Humans created Amun-Ra and his cohorts because they needed a way to explain things they didn’t understand and keep people in line.

    The list goes on and on throughout all of Earth’s history of humans creating (and later discarding) their gods. Humans created the one god (in their image no less! It would be weird to have a satyr or some other strange-looking creature as their creator!) to explain things they didn’t understand (How did we get here? Why do we look different? Why do we look the way we do?) and as a way to keep people in line (“These are the rules; follow them or I shall smite you.”) So…what makes your god any different than all the other gods humans have created?

  108. 108
    EDH

    Captain Jack Harkness – he’ll do anything!

  109. 109
    MrPopularSentiment

    Why is it uncomfortable having sex with Jesus?

    A: Because he’s always trying to come into your heart.

  110. 110
    Megan Monroe

    March 24th, 2012 Maya Hills Perfect Deepthroat Blowjob | Deep Throat Blowjob Says :

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