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Feb 23 2012

You can now turn all dead mormons gay

Post mortem gayification here.

I mean, it’s only fair. Mitt Romney got to baptize his atheist father-in-law against his will. A random Mormon got to baptize Obama’s atheist mother against her will. Numerous Mormons have baptized holocaust victims, including Anne Frank, against their will. Their Mormon hocus pocus means as much as this gay hocus pocus, so why not?

Hm? What’s that, angry Mormons? You don’t like people magically imposing their views on the deceased in order to make a statement? Think that over.

48 comments

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  1. 1
    C Tran

    I’m actually more interested in homofying dead Jews. Telebaptism has zero effect on anyone, physical or spiritual, and I can’t believe any Jews waste their time complaining.

  2. 2
    Aliasalpha

    Does this work for everything or is it just for mormonism & homosexuality? I want to be able to declare historical figures as hardcore gamers & metal fans. Isaac Newton could be a fan of survival horror games & black sabbath, Pablo Picasso could be a fan of first person shooters and lacuna coil, Caligula could be a fan of point & click adventures & killswitch engage, it could be awesome.

  3. 3
    Winterwind

    Excellent. I have a duty to gay up as many Mormons as possible so they can experience the joys of homosexuality for themselves. Of course, if they refuse the sacrament, it has no effect other than giving them a mild interest in club music and smoke machines, so I’m sure they won’t mind.

  4. 4
    eigenperson

    I don’t think you understand. Even though Mormons are wrong about everything (Judaism being the One True Religion, of course), the ONE thing they got right is that if they telebaptise someone, that person immediately becomes a Mormon with no saving throw. That means he or she stops being Jewish and is no longer able to experience the joys of studying the Torah forever on golden stools in the presence of the Most High. Also, the omnipotent omnibenevolent God can’t put them back or put a stop to this evil because [NO CARRIER]

    Sorry, I’m afraid my internet stopped working for a second. I hope no philosophical insights were lost.

  5. 5
    cafeeineaddicted

    Tonight’s Colbert report was on the same wavelength, with Colbert converting all dead Mormons to Judaism, by means of a mock circumcision (he used a hot dog)

  6. 6
    luoanlai

    Just converted 2 dead Mormons (maybe that shouldn’t be capitalised).

    It’s fun.

  7. 7
    N. Nescio

    How can a dead person have a ‘will’?

  8. 8
    Anonymous Atheist

    Dead person’s ‘will’ = what still-living people know about the dead person’s last-expressed wishes/preferences. (Some of which may have been written down by the dead person before their death in a document coincidentally called a ‘will’ ;) , or in journals etc.)

  9. 9
    Dave Gamble

    Excellent bit of satire … I love it.

    I find that when faced with the insanity of crazy beliefs, often the very best way to criticize is to deploy humour and satire (… basically going Monty Python on them). This is a prime example.

    Other similar examples … *racks brain* … I have a very vague memory of some Islamic nut saying something about scandalously dressed woman causing earthquakes … and the response, “Hey lets test that”, now who was it that did that, I forget, can anybody remind me? :-)

  10. 10
    benjaminsa

    I love this project, it brilliantly points out the stupidity of imposing beliefs on the dead and pisses of the idiots doing it.

  11. 11
    LaPlace

    FFFFUUUUUCKKKK
    I accidentally turned myself gay!

    And there are no take backs.
    My girl friend is going to to be SOOOO PISSED.

  12. 12
    Alice

    If you want to laugh at Mormons, check out the ongoing saga of them wanting to remove this photo ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Garment.jpg ) of their temple underwear from the wikipedia article on underwear, and/or get the photo deleted entirely (claiming copyright infringement).

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk:Undergarment

    The archives of earlier discussion are linked from the archive box on the top right of that page. It’s been going on since at least 2006. :)

  13. 13
    Drakk

    I chuckled, but this is ostensibly for dead Mormons, and I don’t think you’re either…

  14. 14
    Drakk

    I turned Joseph Smith gay.

    Problem, LDS?

  15. 15
    Badland, delurking for a bit

    No, Joseph Smith turned gay for you

  16. 16
    michaeld

    Woot lacuna coil!

    cough back on topic
    Whats stopping them from using this on the living? Quick convert the world mormon/gay/metal fan!

  17. 17
    Tualha

    “Orson Scott Card (braindead)”, I choose you!

  18. 18
    Anonymous Atheist

    LOL, the first result I got from the ‘Choose-a-Mormon’ button was “undefined Johnson”.

  19. 19
    Anonymous Atheist

    I imagine the explanation is something like this: The souls of the living are still tied to their original bodies. The souls of the dead are floating around loose somewhere in the ether, so they’re free to be temporarily linked to proxy bodies.

    Why they sometimes feel the need to baptise the same dead people multiple times is harder to explain. ;)
    http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,424300

  20. 20
    RealityEnforcer, Roaming Bear, terror of the Boy Scouts

    I got “undefined Wood”.

  21. 21
    Tualha

    Yeah, those Mormons sometimes have really weird-sounding names, don’t they.

  22. 22
    Angra Mainyu

    Good idea, but – to make it more symmetrical -, how about deconverting them and making them atheists?

  23. 23
    drdave

    Yes. Remove the capitalization on the first ‘M’. You might also remove the second ‘m’ altogether.

  24. 24
    C Tran

    I wonder if I can petition to be telebaptized so I can have a Mormon insurance policy without paying a premium.

  25. 25
    C Tran

    Guys, guys, last night I telebaptized Abraham Foxman into FSM. His soul put up quite a fight but in the end he was touched irrevocably by His Noodly Appendage.

  26. 26
    C Tran

    some crazy woman

  27. 27
    paul

    I would like to donate money to an organization that is trying to persuade Republicans to reject Romeny on religious grounds. I really think that has the best chance of working, at least before the primary. Can anyone suggest such an organization?

  28. 28
    Vern

    While the idea of making a dead Mormon gay sounds like silly and fun it’s likely that you won’t faze any Mormons with it. (I’m an ex-Mormon just so’s you know.) There are two things missing here: first authority. Mormons claim they have been given authority to perform sacred rites through direct lineage from resurrected people who had the authority given them directly from God. The second is revelation which tells them that they should baptize the dead by proxy. The dead who have been baptized now have the choice to accept or deny it, but who would deny it if they’re already in some spot in heaven which is incontrovertible evidence that God is real and the Mormons are right? In short, on the whole they’ll treat it with the same regard as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

  29. 29
    annie

    I let the site pick for me and got Virginia Young. Wonder if she was any relation to Bringham?

  30. 30
    Quixote

    Don’t Mormons accept the idea that one can have direct revelations from God? That was sort of the point of Jon Krakauer’s book “Under the Banner of Heaven”. If anyone can have a personal revelation, and people are doing heinous things based on these revelations (Krakauer uses the Lafferty murders as an example), then how do we know if any of them are true?

    The author of the “convert dead Mormons to teh gay” website can just claim that they have had a personal revelation. The absurdity of dueling claims of authority works in our favour because we can point out that they have just as much evidence as we do – and our side has an over-the-top gay-converting web-site.

    I’m sure you’re right that they’ll ignore it though, because their authority is right and ours is wrong because they said so. Still, sites like All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay serve to inoculate people against buying Mormon BS and might also get a few fence-sitters away from the church. I doubt it’s going to affect the day-to-day life of a true believer.

  31. 31
    yoav

    what stop them is that they know that if they magically moronize the living without asking first the living may show up at their temple with a baseball bat in order to complain, the dead are a lot more tolerant (general lack of brains also mean they don’t have to be too concerned about zombies).

  32. 32
    benjaminsa

    You make a some good points, but I think that Mormons are still going to be upset, even though they believe this is silly. Jews don’t believe Mormons have any ability to convert their dead relatives, and still they got upset. The dead are a very sensitive area. Besides, this is mocking their ideas of post mortem baptism.

  33. 33
    Quixote

    Wouldn’t it be great if it stacked? Given the fact that it lets you pick a Mormon, I bet Joseph Smith has now been gayified thousands of times. He’d give Liberace a run for his money in the afterlife now.

  34. 34
    Vern

    Personal revelation has a sort of hierarchy. You can’t get personal revelation outside your sphere of authority. Everybody gets to get revelation about themselves, husbands and fathers for their families, bishops for their congregation, etc. You don’t get revelation for the Jones’ family if you’re not the head of that family. So if the “revelation” falls outside that sphere of authority, then they don’t get to play that card. In the case of the Lafferty murders (I just did a quick look on Wikipedia so I don’t know any real details) they’re not what I’d call Mormons per se, anymore than a Catholic would consider a Lutheran to be a Catholic. I honestly don’t see any LDS church authority sanctioning such behavior.

    I agree, the ridiculousness of the practice should be put out into the public light. But it’s not going to stop any Mormons doing it.

  35. 35
    Rrr

    Oh, quite likely. “Bringhim Virginia Young” has sort of a ring to it, doesn’t it?

  36. 36
    Quixote

    Thanks, I was wondering how they rationalized that. It makes sense if you already buy into other church doctrine.

  37. 37
    Rrr

    I have it from the past a sources that the Flying Spaghetti Monster regards this matter rather strainly. And it is quite grating, so they butter peppare. Hey, pesto!

  38. 38
    Vern

    I think Jews got upset because the Mormons are serious about it. As far as I know, Jews don’t even believe in an afterlife, certainly not one like Christians believe in. I think Mormons are just going to pass it off as the silly nonsense that it really is. Only some of the more insane ones will take it seriously and those number about the same as they do in most religions.

  39. 39
    Tualha

    Sounds like tentacle hentai :)

  40. 40
    Snapp

    I think once you posthumously baptise Adolf Hitler, any sense of shame is long gone. I’d like to see this get on their nerves though.

  41. 41
    Prof. Bleen

    Don’t think you can turn someone gay on a whim, but no reason you can’t still perform gay marriages for the dead.

  42. 42
    Svlad Cjelli

    I already converted mormon God earlier today.

  43. 43
    Svlad Cjelli

    Mind you, this doesn’t mean that his policies have changed. He could simply be a self-hating homosexual.

  44. 44
    Stephen M (Ethesis)

    The problem is that baptism for the dead is intended to give people the option, so having the ordinance doesn’t change a dead person into a Mormon, it just is supposed to give them the option if they decide they would like to give it a try.

    I think that is what really irritates people, the thought that the dead should have an option extended to them.

  45. 45
    Stephen M (Ethesis)

    Multiple baptisms are easy enough to explain, it isn’t as if they have the best coordination or control on the record keeping.

  46. 46
    J.M. Pierce

    Okay….if we could just convert the “living Morons”….uh, I mean Mormons…..I keep picturing a guy with five husbands….

  47. 47
    A Yid in Dixieland

    And there are other options too:

    All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay … And Nazis!

    http://ayidindixieland.blogspot.com/2012/02/all-dead-mormons-are-now-gayand-nazis.html

  48. 48
    Free Point android apps

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