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Jan 05 2011

I'm (almost) a Real Man!

At least according to Conservapedia’s idiotic reply to all of the atheists giggling at their Fatty McFatterston argument. It’s impressively more brainless than the original article, but this part aimed at PZ Myers spoke to me, personally:

When faced with body weight challenges, real men set weight loss goals,

Done!

publicly declare their weight loss goals,

Ditto! And for charity, too!

and of course, use the Total Gym.

Awwwwww, and I was soooooo close to becoming a Real Man (TM)! All because I didn’t use Chuck Norris’s weight loss program. Apparently standing in front of an American flag in tight jeans burns a lot of calories.I wonder how Conservapedia would deal with the fact that two prominent atheists started a public weight loss routine right before they made all of these ludicrous claims. Oh, right, the way they deal with all contrary evidence: ignoring it.

30 comments

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  1. 1
    Three Ninjas

    Greta is also almost a real man, isn’t she?

  2. 2
    Heather

    Chuck Norris has a little bit of “The Captain” in him?

  3. 3
    breadbox

    Now I just need Conservapedia to tell me how I can be (almost) a Real Woman.

  4. 4
    Annie

    I’m sure they will just declare that the bible predicted you would have this weight loss competition, and that’s why they had to say that atheists are fat pigs… they will not worry about the semantics of time.

  5. 5
    Anna Jobsis

    That’s twice now I’ve seen that chuck norris photo. I think it’s burned onto my retinas. Dangitall.

  6. 6
    Yellow Hatguy

    Those are no mere pants. Those are Chuck Norris Action Jeans. They have a spandex crotch so you can kick people in the face.http://cutebabyfix.com/wp-cont…He’s been selling them for years. http://photos1.blogger.com/pho…I just buy jeans one size up and kick imaginary people at K-Mart to be sure I’ve got good ones. Surprisingly, I have yet to be arrested.

  7. 7
    kelseigh

    Lemme tell ya, them Conservatives really like lookin’ at ol, chuck in them there tight jeans. Yup, looking reeeeeeal close-like.

  8. 8
    Cygore

    It’s like Conservapedia’s writers spend all day at their computers, wondering what the outside world is like. I’m sure many of them are thin in their own minds.

  9. 9
    Kahomono

    How far gone to the right does one have to be to assert that “real men” do this or that… with no hint of sarcasm?

  10. 10
    Rev. Ouabache

    Conservapedia: Proving Poe’s Law every single day

  11. 11
    Jeanette

    Haha, yes, she too fails only to use the Total Gym. Foiled again!

  12. 12
    Jeanette

    Wow, I just made the mistake of reading the, erm, “essay” that was linked to this article entitled “Does Richard Dawkins lack machismo?”. They refer to him as Señor Dawkins the entire time, feature a section called “Richard Dawkins and the troublesome Hispanic Ladies”, and it basically just ends up being a link to some guy’s presumably crappy youtube video…dang it Jen, I’ll feel the stupid burn for weeks now!!

  13. 13
    Gordon

    to me, Chuck Norris is “that guy from the end of Dodgeball” but it seems like in the US he is some sort of icon?

  14. 14
    Strinka

    Studies have shown that by sharing your goals, you’re actually less likely to achieve them. http://www.ted.com/talks/derek…So Real Men are actually less likely to lose weight than Non-Real Men.

  15. 15
    Emily

    “In September 26, 2008, The Telegraph reported concerning the English population:“ The proportion of adults in England who are an unhealthy size has soared over the past 15 years with one in four now seriously overweight.There have always been more obese women than men but the gap between the genders has now been cancelled out. In addition, the number of overweight women has fallen in recent years while the number of morbidly obese men is rising sharply.[50]”Given that atheism appears to be significantly less appealing to women…”That above is the quote from the original atheist and obese Conservapedia page. I’m pretty sure this cancels out the original argument that Atheists tend to be obese. Here it says that “there have always been more obese women than men” and that “atheism is less appealing to women.” From that argument is it not true that if we are assuming, as this article does, that if you are not an atheist you’re a Christian, which means these obese women who do not find atheism appealing, are actually Christians. Which means Christians are obese and are going to Hell for it? (according to “The Bible” of course)

  16. 16
    Hawk

    Fictional men?

  17. 17
    Gus Snarp

    Seriously? Chuck Norris isn’t an international phenomenon? Chuck Norris was a competitive Karate champion in the 60s and 70s who parlayed that into a successful action movie career, including a huge battle with Bruce Lee in The Way of the Dragon, the scene that really launched his career. He quickly became a bit of a cliche, however, as he played sort of stock characters, his fight scenes were repetitive, and he can’t act his way out of a paper bag. Later he had a TV show called Walker, Texas Ranger, which was even more formulaic than his movies so that you could tune in to see the same moves at the same point in a very similar story every night. He also sells his fitness system on infomercials and has become a darling of the extreme right wing after his commercials for Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign (which were pretty funny). He now writes a column for World Net Daily in which he spouts bizarre and moronic conspiracy theories like a dumber Glenn Beck. Also unintentionally spawned the Chuck Norris Facts internet meme in which various outlandish legendary facts are stated about Chuck Norris like, “Behind Chuck Norris’ beard there is no chin, just another fist”, “Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups, he pushes the earth down”, and “Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.” A google search will reward you with thousands of these, mostly variations on a few themes.

  18. 18
    Gus Snarp

    My favorite scene in the movie Madagascar 2 has Alex the lion saying he wants to prove to his father that he’s a “real lion”. To which Marty the zebra replies: “As opposed to a chocolate lion?”

  19. 19
  20. 20
    Three Ninjas

    They know exactly what the outside world is like. It says it right thar in the Bah-ble.

  21. 21
    loreleion

    They lose weight faster than anyone. Remember Apollo on BSG? :P

  22. 22
    jose

    Did you just refer to yourself as “prominent”? In what way?

  23. 23
    the_Siliconopolitan

    You’re more of a man than I am for what little it’s worth.I’d like to know what it takes to become a real boy, though.

  24. 24
    zen

    Some Chuck Norris Facts:Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  25. 25
    zen

    Funny how conservapedia ignores the fact that the eight of the top ten most religious Us state are also the most obese:Correlating maps can be found here:http://calorielab.com/news/wp-http://www.gallup.com/poll/114…A simple venn diagram destroys conservapedias argumentAccording to information culled by CalorieLab from the CDC’sBehavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System database the top 10 fatteststates in 2009 are:State % Obese or Overweight1 Mississippi 70.22 alabama 68.13 Tennessee 68.94 west Virginia 67.55 louisiana 67.66 Oklahoma 67.47 Kentucky 66.98 Arkansas 66.59 south Carolina 65.710 North Carolina 65.3http://calorielab.com/news/201…According to a 2008 Gallup poll that asked “Is religion an importantpart of your daily life?”The top 10 most religious states are:State % of respondents answering ‘yes’.1 mississippi 852 alabama 823 south carolina 804 tennessee 795 louisiana 786 Georgia 767 North Carolina 768 Oklahoma 759 kentucky 7410 texas 74http://www.gallup.com/poll/114… Where as 4 of the top ten leanest US state are also the least religiousthe top 10 leanest states are:State % Obese or Overweight10 New Jersey 61.89 Montana 62.08 Utah 57.97 Rhode Island 61.5rmont 58.15 Hawaii 57.84 Massachusetts 57.43 District of Columbia 51.72 Connecticut 58.91 Colorado 55.6And the 10 least religious states areState % respondents answering ‘yes’10 Connecticut 559 Nevada 548 Rhode Island 537 Oregon 536 Washington 525 Alaska 514 massachusetts 483 maine 482 new hampshire 461 vermont 42

  26. 26
    Nomajic

    I was amused to see that conservapedia feels that 29.7% of the population is not considered to be religious. This far exceeds the statistics I have seen for the percentage of suspected godless in our supposedly “Christian” country. Ummmmm….massage those statistics until they say what you want them to?

  27. 27
    Rob U

    While its fun to make fun of Chuck Norris at times I did want to put in a good word for his Total Gym. I picked up one up back in the days when Chuck was actually “cool” and used it quite regularly. I lost all kinds of weight, I used to have a six pack!, and was able to keep it off.Unfortunately the Total Gym has one major flaw, it can be put away. I used to use it every day, I’d catch up on my TV shows while working on my biceps, triceps, chest, and abs (I do a lot of walking so my legs and cardio needs are pretty much covered), but my family got fed up with it sitting in the middle of the room (the TV room is the biggest room in the house making it easy to work out with the unit) and asked me to put it away between work-outs. Problem is once you put the exercise equipment away it becomes too much of a pain in the ass to set it up again and you just stop using it.So while I can recommend it, it really *does* work, I do so under the caveat that you have a dedicated place you can set it up and use while keeping your mind occupied. If you put it away, or set it up in an otherwise quiet room, it is just enough of a pain to set up again that you will likely just leave it propped up against the wall where you left it and you won’t use it.Pete…

  28. 28
    Rebecca. Allegedly.

    I love the way they use the terms “overweight” and “morbidly obese” interchangeably. Could most Americans, regardless of religious belief, stand to eat more vegetables and exercise regularly? Probably, but “could stand to lose a few pounds” is not the same thing as “can’t maintain a decent quality of life.”

  29. 29
    Rebecca. Allegedly.

    I love the way they use the terms “overweight” and “morbidly obese” interchangeably. Could most Americans, regardless of religious belief, stand to eat more vegetables and exercise regularly? Probably, but “could stand to lose a few pounds” is not the same thing as “can’t maintain a decent quality of life.”

  30. 30
    Azkyroth

    You’ve gotta be kidding.Jackass.

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