Your Favorite Mondegreens

A mondegreen is what happens when you mishear or misinterpret a phrase, specifically a song lyric. The term comes from Sylvia Wright, who thought an old Scottish ballad said “And Lady Mondegreen” instead of “And laid him on the green.” Some of the most well-know mondegreens are “Wrapped up like a douche” from “Blinded by the Light” (actual line: “Revved up like a deuce”) and “‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy” from “Purple Haze” (actual line: “‘Scuse me while I kiss the sky”). Mondegreens fascinate me because it’s another example of how our memories aren’t always reliable, like the Mandella Effect (no, seriously, I was pissed when I found out the Berenstain Bears weren’t Jewish).

Today I thought we should take a brief break from the dumpster fire that is the Trump administration, and talk about some of our favorite mondegreens. I’ll start with mine:

1). “Arthur’s Theme” by Christopher Cross. I used to watch that movie all the time when I was a kid, and I was convinced Cross was singing “If you get drunk between the moon and New York City.” It makes sense since the movie is about an alcoholic, right? Nope! Turns out he’s singing, “If you get caught between the moon and New York City.” I like my version better.

2). “Paris (Ooh La La)” by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Now this is a bizarre one because I used to think she was singing “If I was a maid, I’d save your spoon.” Dafuq is that supposed to mean? Fortunately, she’s actually singing, “If I was a blade, I’d shave you smooth.” Which is why this song always gets stuck in my head when I shave.

3). “Kid Charlemagne” by Steely Dan. Okay, this one is pretty controversial. For years I thought they were singing, “All those dago freaks who used to paint their face, they’ve joined the human race.” I was like, “Did this motherfucker just call me a dago?” Fortunately that’s not the case; they’re actually singing, “All those day-glo freaks who used to to paint their face.” Phew, for a moment I thought Donald Fagen was a racist!

4). “Jump” by Van Halen. Here’s another funny one; I used to think David Lee Roth was saying, “I eat the worst chips you’ve seen.” You would think Roth would be able to afford better quality chips, right? Turns out he’s actually singing, “I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen.” Ah, much better!

So what are some of your funniest or most embarrassing mondegreens?

The Hill I’m Willing to Die On–A Response to Current Controversy

This weekend was rough for all of us. Friday’s Trump inauguration ushered a new time of uncertainty and fear for our nation. Yes, Saturday’s Women’s March was a huge success, but in the aftermath the atheist community is in turmoil. Instead of working together to fight the new Trump regime, we’re fighting with each other. The lines have been drawn; you’re part of either the problem or the solution.

I tried to stay away from all of it, but after thinking about it, I can no longer stay silent. Today I’m announcing the hill upon which I am willing to die. I know I will lose a lot of friends with this, but I know what side I’m on:

Pineapple belongs on pizza.

Now I know this isn’t a very popular opinion among the Left nowadays, but let me explain where I’m coming from.

Back in high school I took my then-girlfriend to Ledo’s Pizza for Valentine’s Day. I wanted pepperoni, and she wanted pineapple and ham. I had never heard of such a thing. Of all the things to put on a pizza, why the hell would you pick pineapple? But since it was Valentine’s Day, I decided to give it a try, so we got a half pepperoni and half Hawaiian pizza. I took a bite of that Hawaiian pizza and thought, “HOLY SHIT, WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE?” The sweetness of the pineapple was a perfect match for the saltiness of the ham the same way salt and caramel compliment each other. From that moment on, I was hooked.

Yet nowadays something that shouldn’t be so controversial as a Hawaiian pizza has now triggered an entire generation of Regressive Leftists. I see meme after meme on Facebook from whiny millenials who think anyone who like pineapple on pizza is a Nazi sympathizer. What has our country become? How did we end up with an entire generation of special snowflakes who feel entitled to not have their feelings hurt? Friends, we should be fighting real issues like Islamic terrorism and post-truth America, not legislating what people put on their pizza.

You want authoritarianism? ‘Cause that’s how you get authoritarianism!

This post is hard for me to write, but I can no longer stay silent while the Left implodes over pizza toppings. Call me a Pineapple Pizza Warrior all you want, but I don’t care. Grow up. liberals!

My Top Ten Unpopular Christmas Opinions

It’s almost Christmas again, and with all the ways 2016 fucked us over, I figured it’s time for something lighthearted. So to celebrate the holiday, here are my top ten unpopular opinions about Christmas.

10). “Love Actually” is one of the worst movies ever. Okay, forget all the hot British men for a second and actually look at the movie. We’ve got Andrew Lincoln being a creep around Keira Knightley, Colin Firth trying to sleep with a woman who doesn’t speak English, an outlandish wedding scene, Liam Neeson cracking bad jokes about his wife at her funeral (not to mention playing Bay City Rollers after his shitty eulogy), and countless fat jokes. Plus, this is the movie that launched a million bad “Let’s get a bunch of celebrities together to make a cheesy holiday-related movie” movies. No thank you!

On the opposite end . . .

9). “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” should be a Christmas movie classic. If you love bad campy movies as much as I do, you will love this movie! The plot is ridiculous (Martians kidnap Santa Claus so Martian children can learn how to have fun), the acting is bad, and they remind the audience over and over again who the bad guy is (“That’s Voldar. He’s the one who doesn’t like us.”). Plus, the theme song is catchy as hell.

While we’re on the subject of movies . . .

8). “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie. It takes place during Christmas, it refers to Christmas over and over again, and it has Christmas music on the soundtrack. It’s a fucking Christmas movie! Deal with it!

Moving on now . . .

7). I honestly don’t give a shit if you say either “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” Seriously, you can wish me a Happy Kwanzaa and I’ll just say, “Thank you! You, too!”

6). I think the Festivus Airing of Grievances should be a Christmas tradition. Hate passive aggressive Christmas dinners with your right-winged Trump-voting relatives? The Festivus Airing of Grievances is a great way for you to finally get it all off your chest! You probably won’t be invited to next year’s Christmas dinner, but at least you were honest for once in your life.

5). I hate Christmas shopping. I love giving presents to my loved ones, but I hate the shopping part. I hate the decoration overload, I hate hearing the same Christmas songs over and over again on the PA system, and I hate the whole idea that capitalism is a Christmas virtue. This is why I either buy gifts from Amazon, buy them from local artisans, or just make mixed CDs. The less time I spend surrounded by Christmas capitalism, the better!

And while we’re on the subject of music . . .

4). “Hallelujah” is not a Christmas song. Apparently it wasn’t bad enough that Pentatonix completely ruined the song; now, thanks to these losers, it’s a Christmas song. Even though I still love Leonard Cohen, I can’t stand this song now.

While we’re at it . . .

3). I fucking hate “The Little Drummer Boy!” From the repetitive “barumpa-bum-bum” to the ridiculous line about farm animals keeping time, this song is a stinker, let’s admit it. It’s no wonder David Bowie asked the TV show producers to write him some new lyrics when he sang it with Bing Crosby.

In fact . . .

2). I hate 90% of Christmas music out there. Sure, I have my favorites, like “Christmas in Hollis,” “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” and “I Believe in Father Christmas,” but in general most of it sucks. I mean, how many fucking versions of “Joy to the World” do we really need?

And now, probably the most unpopular Christmas opinion of all . . .

1). I fucking love Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime!” Yes, it’s cheesy. Yes, it’s repetitive. Yes, Paul and rest of Wings do a weird thing in the video which I can only describe as the English version of a conga line, but it still makes me happy, goddammit!

. . .

Now that all that’s out of the way, Happy Holidays!