It’s almost Christmas again, and with all the ways 2016 fucked us over, I figured it’s time for something lighthearted. So to celebrate the holiday, here are my top ten unpopular opinions about Christmas.
10). “Love Actually” is one of the worst movies ever. Okay, forget all the hot British men for a second and actually look at the movie. We’ve got Andrew Lincoln being a creep around Keira Knightley, Colin Firth trying to sleep with a woman who doesn’t speak English, an outlandish wedding scene, Liam Neeson cracking bad jokes about his wife at her funeral (not to mention playing Bay City Rollers after his shitty eulogy), and countless fat jokes. Plus, this is the movie that launched a million bad “Let’s get a bunch of celebrities together to make a cheesy holiday-related movie” movies. No thank you!
On the opposite end . . .
9). “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” should be a Christmas movie classic. If you love bad campy movies as much as I do, you will love this movie! The plot is ridiculous (Martians kidnap Santa Claus so Martian children can learn how to have fun), the acting is bad, and they remind the audience over and over again who the bad guy is (“That’s Voldar. He’s the one who doesn’t like us.”). Plus, the theme song is catchy as hell.
While we’re on the subject of movies . . .
8). “Die Hard” is a Christmas movie. It takes place during Christmas, it refers to Christmas over and over again, and it has Christmas music on the soundtrack. It’s a fucking Christmas movie! Deal with it!
Moving on now . . .
7). I honestly don’t give a shit if you say either “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” Seriously, you can wish me a Happy Kwanzaa and I’ll just say, “Thank you! You, too!”
6). I think the Festivus Airing of Grievances should be a Christmas tradition. Hate passive aggressive Christmas dinners with your right-winged Trump-voting relatives? The Festivus Airing of Grievances is a great way for you to finally get it all off your chest! You probably won’t be invited to next year’s Christmas dinner, but at least you were honest for once in your life.
5). I hate Christmas shopping. I love giving presents to my loved ones, but I hate the shopping part. I hate the decoration overload, I hate hearing the same Christmas songs over and over again on the PA system, and I hate the whole idea that capitalism is a Christmas virtue. This is why I either buy gifts from Amazon, buy them from local artisans, or just make mixed CDs. The less time I spend surrounded by Christmas capitalism, the better!
And while we’re on the subject of music . . .
4). “Hallelujah” is not a Christmas song. Apparently it wasn’t bad enough that Pentatonix completely ruined the song; now, thanks to these losers, it’s a Christmas song. Even though I still love Leonard Cohen, I can’t stand this song now.
While we’re at it . . .
3). I fucking hate “The Little Drummer Boy!” From the repetitive “barumpa-bum-bum” to the ridiculous line about farm animals keeping time, this song is a stinker, let’s admit it. It’s no wonder David Bowie asked the TV show producers to write him some new lyrics when he sang it with Bing Crosby.
In fact . . .
2). I hate 90% of Christmas music out there. Sure, I have my favorites, like “Christmas in Hollis,” “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” and “I Believe in Father Christmas,” but in general most of it sucks. I mean, how many fucking versions of “Joy to the World” do we really need?
And now, probably the most unpopular Christmas opinion of all . . .
1). I fucking love Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime!” Yes, it’s cheesy. Yes, it’s repetitive. Yes, Paul and rest of Wings do a weird thing in the video which I can only describe as the English version of a conga line, but it still makes me happy, goddammit!
. . .
Now that all that’s out of the way, Happy Holidays!