Out of character: I endorse Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United for the April 4 election

After decades, Bolingbrook residents have a choice of who to vote for mayor.  I’m going to step out of character for a bit and urge Bolingbrook’s residents to choose Jackie Traynere and Bolingbrook United over Mayor Roger Claar and Bolingbrook First on April 4.

While Claar can put on a friendly face in public when he’s with Bolingbrook residents, he’s not really a friend of the average Bolingbrook resident.  In 2015, the median household income was $77,929.  Yet, he spent taxpayer dollars on the following: 1) a luxury golf course that most residents don’t use, 2) a subdivision of McMansions that most residents can’t afford, and 3) an international airport that most residents can’t use.

Despite being mayor of a diverse community, Claar not only endorsed Donald Trump, but served as his delegate, helped organize a fundraiser for him, and defended him in the media.  Claar talks about diversity, but his support of Trump and his unwillingness to offer any resistance to Trump’s Muslim ban makes us question his current commitment.

Supporters may say that Bolingbrook is well run, but the truth is it runs well for Claar’s wealthy donors.  In 2009, the Chicago Tribune stated the following:

Nearly half of his donations came from companies and individuals who have done business with Bolingbrook. Those contributors received more than $300 million in village work — nearly 60 percent of the money that Bolingbrook spent on vendors over the last decade, the Tribune analysis shows.

Because of Claar’s decisions, the village now has over $300 million dollars in debt.  Relabeling it as “Visionary Investment” does not change that fact.

I do not believe in change for change’s sake.  The election of Donald Trump is proof of this.  I also understand that because someone opposes Claar, that does not mean they should be voted into office.  Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook was an example of this, with candidates who were exceptionally dishonest and delved into conspiracy theories about Claar.  Like claiming he hired someone to cause a car crash in hopes of killing one of their candidates.

I believe that Bolingbrook United’s candidates are competent and can bring about the changes Bolingbrook needs.  They have promised to end pay for play, stop automatic pay raises for elected officials, and only accept one salary from the village.  More importantly, they have promised to represent all of Bolingbrook’s diverse residents.  I think they can make these changes, and I will do my best to hold them accountable if they do not.

Eyewitnesses say President Obama canvassed for Bolingbrook United (Fiction)

File photo of President Obama.

File photo of President Obama.

Eyewitnesses say former President Barack Obama canvassed Bolingbrook for the Bolingbrook United party last weekend.

“I know that Rep. Bill Foster and Sen. Dick Durbin have campaigned for Bolingbrook United,” said a resident who wished to remain anonymous.  “Adding President Barack Obama is amazing!  It’s nice to have so much attention from around the country”.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that Obama knocked on his door.

“I answered and said that I loved him and voted for him every time.  He smiled and said, ‘I love you too, and I would love for you to vote for Bob Jaskiewicz, Mary Helen Reyna, and Terri Ransom, for Bolingbrook Village trustees!’  I didn’t know who they were, but I was going to vote for them!”

Blake, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed he panicked when Obama knocked on his door.

“I thought he was finally coming for my guns.  So I unlocked my gun room and yelled that he couldn’t have my guns and my ammo.  I still can’t believe what he said.  ‘I didn’t want your guns then, and I don’t want them now.  I just want you to vote for Jamie Olson for Village Clerk.  She’ll make sure your property tax dollars aren’t wasted so you’ll have money to buy more guns.’  I told them to go away.  Who should I trust?  Obama or superfreedompatriots.com.co.ru?”

Jane, who asked that we not use her last name, cried when she answered the door for Obama.

“I told him that I did a terrible thing.  I voted for President Trump, and I felt like no one would ever forgive me.  I can’t even forgive myself.  I told him that I never should have listened to (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  Obama was so kind.  He said that he had read all the articles explaining why people voted for Trump.  He said he could forgive me, but I would have to listen to his story first.  He told me about the night of the 2008 New Hampshire primary.  He had just lost to Hillary Clinton and things looked hopeless.  However, he knew that there was still a chance as long as his supporters stuck with him.  So he told them:  ‘Yes, we can.’  The rest is history”.

“Then he smiled at me.  ‘For these challenging times, I have a new message:  Yes you can.  Yes, you can reject Donald Trump.  Yes, you can turn away from Roger.  Yes, you can walk the path of redemption. The first step is to vote for my friend Jackie Traynere for mayor.  Can you do it?’  I said yes I can.  He made me say it again.  Then he asked, ‘Will you do it?’  I replied, yes I will!  Wow!  Why was ever a member of the tea party?”

A spokeswoman for Bolingbrook United neither confirmed nor denied that Obama canvassed for them over the weekend.  She did encourage Bolingbrook residents to vote early, “but not often.”  Voters can also vote on election day, which is April, 4.

Claar did not respond to an interview request. However, his receptionist promised that he was working on securing “big names” to campaign for him during the final weeks.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not sure if you can help me. ”

A man replied, “You don’t want to misunderestimate me!  They said I wouldn’t win a second term and then they said I would go down in history as the worst president ever.  Look at me now!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook cracks downs on witches and wizards
Court: Bolingbrook First, not Roger Claar Party, represents Mayor Claar
Trump promises to visit Bolingbrook Golf Club again
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/17

Web Exclusive: New coal requirements spark protests at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule require all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

UFO crew displays its dislike of the rule requiring all UFOs to by fueled by burning coal.

Enraged by Melania Trump’s announcement that visiting UFOs must be fueled by coal, thousands of aliens protested and rioted at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

While coal can be used to fuel some alien reactors, the new coal requirements say any alien craft landing at an Illuminati controlled UFO Base must be fueled by burning coal.

Mrs. Trump explained in a video presentation: “We have taken away Appalachia’s economic development funding, their clean water, their clean air, their health care, and their environment!  It is only fair that you take and burn their coal!”  She added that since natural gas is so cheap, it is unlikely that there will be any new coal plants built in the United States.

When some alien economists pointed out that requiring coal powered UFOs could reduce interstellar traffic to nearly zero, Mrs. Trump said she didn’t care.  “The coal industry and the coal miner unions donated money to my husband’s campaign.  They want results, and we will make you deliver those results!”

Another alien scientist asked why it wouldn’t be better for Earth to buy all the coal in North America and dump it on Venus.  “Venus can’t get any worse, Earth will have its carbon stockpile reduced, and the miners will get their money.”  Mrs. Trump replied that this plan would require congressional approval, “And we have other plans for the surviving members of Congress.”

Following the announcement, thousands of aliens marched to the Illuminati embassy to protest.  300 were arrested for attempting to breach the forcefield.  Others chanted anti-Illuminati slogans and called for the New World Order to retake Clow.

Merchant Blohegil said she attended the protest because she was furious at what it does to her business.  “There’s free trade.  There’s protectionism.  There’s communism.  Then there’s (expletive deleted) the free market!  Guess what I think this is!”

Sxop Xlop was angry as well:  “The Interstellar Commonwealth has gone to great pains to ensure that we do not disrupt human cultures and protect the environment.  Now they want to command us to pollute Earth?  No!  I will not obey President Fake Human Trump!”

Hundreds of Black Bloc-inspired aliens attacked customs stations at Clow:

“They say give back!  We say (expletive deleted) that!  They say steampunk!  We say cyberpunk!”

While there were no fatalities from the attacks, dozens of security personnel were treated for exposure to stink bombs.

The violence and protests subsided once it was announced that the coal requirements were suspended until the Interstellar Trade Organization could review them.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar estimated the damage at “a few billion dollars,” but insisted that Clow’s security had everything under control.  “Aliens riot at Clow.  What else is new?”

We get letters: March 21, 2017 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Hello, and let me introduce myself to our new fans at FreethoughtBlogs.  I’m Doug Fields, the Reader’s Editor for the Bolingbrook Babbler.  My job is to read your letters to the Babbler, and offer my editorial feedback.

Since we moved the website to FtB back in January, most of the letters we’ve received have been positive. For example, this one:

To the Editor:

I love the new blog network you guys joined.  I thought it was going to boring atheists.  Instead, you’re on a network with Yemisi Ilesanmi, a real Nigerian!  I’m pretty sure Pervert Justice is a public service site!  Odgraphix must be a decoding site.  I can’t wait to read the anti-squirrel blog!  Not to mention Thoughts of Crys, which must be an atheist psychic blog!  The only boring blog is by PZ Myers.  He must be the least popular blogger here.  He needs to stop obsessing over shellfish and creationists!

Keep up the good work, and keep those other bloggers on their toes with your quality reporting!

Pauline X. Melvin
Bolingbrook, IL

Glad you like our fellow writers, though none of us here would call PZ boring.

Since it is election season, we’ve gotten our share of political posts, like this one:

To the Editor:

Your pro-Bolingbrook United bias is incredible!  Who pays you to write these articles?  George Soros?

Do you know that not all of Jackie Traynere’s s donors are from Bolingbrook?  Some of them are from Cook County!  Some of them are from unions! She’s even held campaign events outside of Bolingbrook.  Plus she’s a Democrat! We all know what kind of Democrats come out of Cook County!  One of their prominent leaders has even spoken at her events!

I want to vote for a candidate who only campaigns in Bolingbrook, only accepts donations from Bolingbrook residents, and has no party affiliation!  That’s why I’m not voting for Jackie!

John M. Smith
Bolingbrook, IL

Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you’re not voting for Mayor Roger Claar either.  He’s also received donations from Cook County, as well as Georgia, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and other states.  Unions have donated to his fund.  He’s also held campaign events in Chicago, California, and other states. Not only is he a member of the Republican Party, he’s also the 11th district Republican State Central Committeeman. Not to mention that he was also a delegate and fundraiser for Donald Trump.

For that matter, are you sure that the PAC that’s been mailing anti-Jackie flyers gets all its funding from Bolingbrook?

We also received several letters that were written in a similar style.  The mystery was solved when someone sent us this unedited form letter:

To the Editor:

There are three truths that every skeptic must accept.  (Choose two: a) Homeopathy doesn’t work. b) Chiropractors are dangerous. c) Mediums are cold readers. d) Evolution is real), and (Choose one: a) Social Justice is oppressive. b) Rejecting evolutionary psychology is rejecting science! c) Cultural Marxists are taking over our culture! d) Ayn Rand is the only true prophet. e) Men are oppressed by women!)

If you do not accept these facts, you (Choose one. a) will be responsible for the next dark age. b) are as evil as PZ Myers. d) will be a slave to Rebecca Watson e) will be destroyed by Donald Trump)

From the ashes of (Atheism+, radical feminism, or sociology), skepticism will arise again and lead us to the stars!

Your name here
Bolingbrook, IL

Finally, we’ll end with this letter.

To the Editor:

Like many feminists, I’m critical of the social construct of gender.  Yet so many of my feminist friends lose their minds when they talk about transpeople.  They become convinced that biology is perfect, and that reproductive organs determine your gender identity.

Enough!  There is no God and nature is not perfect.  Be the gender your brain says you are, not the gender society and activists demand you be.  That is the ultimate freedom!

As for the claim that you can’t tell what a person is thinking, that argument was used against gay people years ago.  How can you tell that the lesbian sitting next to you is not really a heterosexual woman appropriating lesbian culture?  How can you tell if someone is claiming to  be gay because they think it will help them keep their job?

We can’t be 100 percent sure, but we trust gay people to tell the truth.  That should include transpeople as well!

Jill X. Sheridan (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist)
Chicago, IL

Also in the Babbler:

CFI’s feline fellows protest visit to the vet
New World Order: Trump under alien control
Sources say: Claar considers building coal plant in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/17

Web Exclusive: Weredeer and Minnesota Talking Land Squids clash over ‘Bolingbrook United’ yard signs (Fiction)

Knocked over signs

Did weredeer attack these signs? (Photo from Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs warned that Weredeer and wondering Minnesota Talking Land Squids are currently fighting over yard signs for the Bolingbrook United party.

“All residents should use caution before putting up any political yard signs, especially signs from the Bolingbrook United party,” read the department’s press release.

According to eyewitnesses, feral weredeer are venturing into Bolingbrook and are tearing down yard signs or removing them completely.  Some folks have witnessed Minnesota Talking Land Squids defending the signs.

Paige, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that she saw a brawl between the two:

“It was terrible!  There are weredeer being suffocated by the squids and weredeer using their claws to slice up the squids.  It all started when one weredeer pulled up a sign.  I’ve never seen such violence before!  Let me tell you, I’m never eating sushi or venison again!”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have been accosted by a land squid:

“Honestly, I just wanted a closer look at the Bolingbrook United sign.  Because— Anyway, this squid walked up to me.  I was shocked, but maybe I shouldn’t have been because I read the Babbler.  Anyway, it said, ‘Hello sir.  I see we share the same interest in this party of social justice.  I sincerely hope you weren’t planning on touching this wonderful sign. I would feel really bad if every bone in your body was crushed and your eyes ended up on my suckers.  You know what I mean?’  I ran away and called the cops.  They didn’t do anything except tell me not to put up ‘Bolingbrook United’ signs in my yard.”

Stacy claims to have met a weredeer while putting up her signs:

“There was this guy who was wearing shorts, and had his shirt on backwards.  He walked up to me as I finished putting up my sign.  He then started insulting my looks and said I knew I was ugly because I was voting for Bolingbrook United.  You won’t believe how he followed up.  ‘If (Mayor Roger Claar) is re-elected, my fellow weredeer will be allowed back into Bolingbrook.  We’ll even be allowed to use our new PUA techniques on human women.  We can only mate with humans and deer, and we’ve been forbidden form mating with humans for so long.  We can’t wait to replenish our human bloodlines!  If you take down those signs, I will consider mating with you in my warder form, even if I find you ugly!  You do know that I am a nice weredeer, right?’  I just sprayed him with pepper spray and ran back into the house.”

Stacy says the police couldn’t find the alleged weredeer, but did ask her to take her signs “for her protection.”

“I said no!  Take away the weredeer who are harassing the opposition instead!  Don’t take away my freedom to tell the world that Roger needs to be fired!  He’s had decades to get rid of the weredeer, and instead he’s enlisting them to do his dirty work!”

The Weredeer Union of Bolingbrook released the following statement: “Not all weredeer are misogynists who vandalize campaign signs.  A few of us support Bolingbrook United and hope they will represent all residents, and not just campaign donors.”

Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook First could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Mr. Harris, if I let you endorse me, what will you say?”

Mr. Harris: “Roger is a strong but compassionate man who has to deal with a growing Muslim population in his village.  In Israel, the security forces have bulldozed some Muslims’ homes.  It could be that Israel is mean.  It could also be that their homes are too dangerous to keep standing.  If we want to keep Bolingbrook safe, we have to consider destroying all Muslim homes and their mosque in Bolingbrook.  It’s horrific for Westerners to think about, but we have to think about it, but not necessarily do it.  Instead it may be more appropriate to conduct random enhanced interrogations of all Bolingbrook Muslim residents.  Maybe not?  All we can say for sure is that these questions will challenge any thought leader.  The Regressive Left has no leaders or thinkers. Roger is a leader and a thinker.  So I am proud to endorse him for mayor,  If I am correct about him.”

Roger: “Impressive.  Have you ever considered running for office?”

Global Disease Consortium endorses Trumpcare (Fiction)

The Global Disease Consortium unanimously endorsed Trumpcare during their annual gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Lead Barber Alex explained: “We are on the verge of eliminating the biggest obstacle to our plan to unleash endless global pandemics!  What Obama tried to prevent will soon become a reality!  Thanks, Donald!”

Alex confirmed that Trumpcare is an unstable version of Obamacare.  During his speech, he said that ending the individual and business mandates would result in fewer healthy people buying insurance.  Loss of tax deductions could result in businesses removing employees from their health plans.  Ending the Medicaid expansion in 2020 could result in more than 11 million people losing health care coverage.

“In short,” said Alex, “Fewer people will be able to afford preventative care and checkups.  This means more opportunities for our illnesses to fester and spread!  The sickening of America is at hand!”

Alex also believes that President Trump is about to launch a war against vaccines.  “Our rumors and false flags have created bipartisan support for worthless vaccine schedules and less effective vaccines!  Now that the Donald has the power of the Presidency, it is only a matter of time before he launches an inquisition against vaccine supporters. Our seeds of fear of autism have worked! To think that we almost lost Mumps, Chicken Pox, Polio, and Whooping Cough because of bleeding heart medical researchers!”

Vice Barber Sheila addressed concerns that the collapse of the insurance industry would result in fewer profits for the consortium’s members.  “First, all of our members should be invested in alternative medicine.  Americans alone spend over $33.9 billion right now on it.  That number will only go up once they lose access to their doctors. Second, governments always manage to find money in the middle of epidemics.  That money will make its way to us.  Third, the real payoff, however, will come down the road: Once we reduce the world’s population to 750 million, we’ll all profit!  Automation will take care of manual labor, and the people who used to fill those jobs will be dead.  Ayn Rand would be so proud of us!”

After a unanimous vote, anonymous blogger Orac hacked into the public address system.

“At last I have found the source of all quackademia! All of you should be ashamed for causing so much suffering over the centuries!  While all of you were yapping, I uncovered your real names, and I will expose them on my blog!  You will be embarrassed, if not destroyed! “

“Find him and kill him!”  commanded Alex.

Search parties scoured the club looking for Orac.  One party encountered Dr. David Gorski in the parking lot.

“You’re looking for Orac?”  Gorski pointed.  “He went that way.”

The party ran in that direction, while Gorski drove off in opposite direction.

None of the search parties found Orac.

Also in the Babbler:
ICE denied access to Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar offers interstellar Groupon to counter declining UFO traffic
CFI Chicago delisted after refusing to cancel Feline Lovers in Secularism 2 conference
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/17

Web Exclusive: Happy Birthday PZ Myers! We have links! (Mixed)

In honor of PZ Myer’s birthday, we’ve decided to link to past articles we’ve written about him.

PZ Myers tweets from Hell!
Web Exclusive: Employment firm plans to ‘outsource’ PZ Myers
PZ Myers convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope
Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope
Web Exclusive: Paranormal Affairs Division receives over 100 election complaints

Out of Character:  Over the years, PZ has challenged and changed my way of thinking about atheism and the atheist movement.  His posts and FtB have also introduced me to interesting people and communities.  So thank you, PZ, and have a very happy birthday.

Space aliens enjoy debate between Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar and Jackie Traynere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar, the incumbent, and Will County Board member Jackie Traynere engaged in a spirited debate at Clow UFO Base. Moderated by the Priory of Sion, Claar, who is aligned with the Illuminati, and Traynere, who is aligned with the New World Order, faced off in a town hall style debate.  It was their only scheduled debate before the April 4 election.

Before the debate began, Lesser Master Robert Gonzaga explained that while extraterrestrials will not be allowed to vote, the winner of the election will be the next administrator.  “One of these candidates represents the future of Clow UFO Base.  Will the New World Order reclaim this base, or will the Illuminati remain?”

Claar started by claiming to be an “independent Republican.”

“As my opponent won’t let you forget, I publicly supported Donald Trump while other Illinois Mayors were afraid to speak up.  She called it a betrayal of Bolingbrook.  I call it independence!  I remember many years ago, my advisors told not to spend taxpayer dollars to build a high-end golf club and an expensive housing development.  I didn’t listen them, and today we have the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and Americana Estates.  When the Illuminati said I should say, ‘Fnord’ at the end of my speeches, I said, ‘Ford’ because I know the ‘n’ is silent!”

Traynere stated that she too is an independent Democrat.  “When the Illinois Democratic Party wanted me to support Hillary Clinton, I decided to Support Bernie Sanders instead.  After the primary, the Bernie or Bust people tired to pressure me into joining them.  Instead I supported Hillary, and the Democratic Party, because I knew it was time to come together. Now, more than ever, Bolingbrook needs to come together.  To paraphrase a famous actor, Trump will not divide us!”

During the first question and answer session, many aliens asked about Clow’s new restrictions for gaining off-base visitor’s passes.  Others complained that the Illuminati’s new rules are making it almost impossible to exchange information with local human businesses.

Claar dismissed both of those concerns. “There are only two choices!  We can either have tightly controlled immigration to Clow, or we can have no forcefields and let every one in.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see Bolingbrook residents eaten because of bleeding heart liberal policies!”

Traynere disagreed. “There is a middle way that allows for economic growth while protecting our secrets.  That way is following the sensible polices of the New World Order that served Clow so well for decades.”

Claar, in a departure from his positive campaigning, attacked Traynere’s political affiliations.  “If she wins, the corrupt Cook County Democrat party will take over.  You talk about Bolingbrook’s debt.  How about the debt Chicago has?  A debt created by your party!”

Traynere shook her head.  “You should know better, Roger.  That would be like me taking credit for California’s success under the Democrats, and blaming you for Kansas’ disastrous policies under the Republicans.”

During the second question and answer session, Qua, an alien, said that Claar also serves as Bolingbrook’s Liquor and Tobacco commissioner.  She asked if both candidates would appoint someone else to run those offices.  Traynere said yes.  Claar said an unprintable phrase.

Another alien asked both candidates how they intended to deal with Bolingbrook’s public debt.  Traynere said she would look into transferring part of Bolingbrook’s covert funds into public accounts. Claar was more blunt.

“Let me tell you a secret!  The only time Republicans give a damn about the debt is when a Democrat is in charge.  Just look at the Reagan administration!”

After two hours, both candidates gave their closing remarks.

Claar started talking about “real culture appropriation” before closing his notes.  “I don’t need help from Steve Bannon.  Look, its simple.  I don’t care what the residents of Bolingbrook look like, just as long as they keep electing me mayor.  As long as any resident doesn’t inconvenience me or President Trump, they can stay in my village.  Oh, and if you’re one of those people who believes in a diverse Bolingbrook, you can attend my Diversity Rally/Fundraiser on March 9.  Tickets are only $5.  Ford!”

Traynere talked about respecting the diversity of the community, and her commitment to supporting economic growth in Bolingbrook.  “Before the split, the Illuminati’s greatest creation was the United States of America.  The founding fathers selected a motto for the new country.  ‘E pluribus unum.’  ‘From many, one’.  To me, that’s also a fitting description of Bolingbrook.  From many backgrounds and cultures, we gather together to become one village.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies meeting with Russian ambassador
Extraterrestrials caught stealing Jackie Traynere’s yard signs
Martian Colonies close down Clow consulate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/17.

Web Exclusive: Skepchick and Center for Inquiry evicted from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

IMG_2198

Clow International Airport, which serves as a cover for Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump evicted Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry from all Illuminati controlled UFO bases, including Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Both organizations have represented the skeptical movement to the greater interstellar community since 2013.

Melania made the announcement during a hastily put together video conference.  “UFO sightings have skyrocketed since we made this unholy pact with both groups!  Flying Saucer, Cigar and Sphere sightings are rising!  It is obvious that both factions of the skeptical movement are more interested in serving their New World Order masters than in covering up UFOs!”

She then gave both organizations four hours to evacuate their consulates.

Paula X. Kelly, acting Skepchick ambassador at Clow, was shocked.  “I thought Rebecca (Watson) was pulling a prank on us.  We’re not responsible for sightings.  We’re responsible for creating cover stories after the sightings.  So I sent Rebecca a text.  She replied with a video chat.  She told me it was real, then gave me the authorization codes to start Operation Bad Puppy.”

The staff then quickly, but orderly, started removing portable hard drives and shredding all documents.  They then drenched the entire interior of the consulate with cat urine.

“I always wondered why we kept gallons of cat urine on site,” said an anonymous staffer.

Once the building was evacuated, Kelly and Watson then detonated firebombs, incinerating anything left in the building.

“I hated to do that, but we couldn’t risk any sensitive information falling into the hands of the Illuminati and their Neo-Nazi allies.”

Joan Y. McNeil, CFI’s ambassador based at Clow, thought the announcement didn’t apply to CFI.  “Yeah we’re technically part of the New World Order.  We also have diplomatic immunity, and we’re with Richard Dawkins!  I thought we were too important to be evicted.”

Thirty minutes later, CFI president and CEO Robyn E. Blumner called and asked about the evacuation.

“She chewed me out when I laughed at her.  She said it was a real order, and Richard couldn’t stop them.  I didn’t think it was possible.  We agree on so many things with the Illuminati!  Why should we be kicked out over a one percent difference?”

The staff, now panicking, started smashing their computers, and setting bonfires to destroy their papers.

“We never planned for this.  This isn’t a third world country!  This is America.  This is where we bring secular activists whose lives are in danger.  Maybe we’ll need to be rescued next?”

During the initial chaos, McNeil reached around the movement’s “deep rifts” for help.

“The staff of the Orbit were so helpful!  They taught us how to wipe our hard drives so even aliens couldn’t access them.  I also learned a Freethought Blogs writer how to overload our fusion reactor without blowing up the Chicago area.”

The staff of both embassies have relocated to Hub 35 UFO Base, a New World Order affiliated base located in Rochelle, IL.

Many staff members wished for the conflict between the Illuminati and the New World Order to end.

“They don’t have to work together, but they could at least stop trying to destroy each other.  Humanity loses when they fight,” said an anonymous staffer.

Sources close to Mrs. Trump say she will announce the formation of a new Illuminati aligned skeptical organization by mid-April.

Manchester Mumbler: Ghosts continue to riot following Brian Cox’s statement (Fiction)

Brian Cox.

Photo of Brian Cox by Paul Clarke.

Note: The Bolingbrook Babbler sometimes shares stories from its many sister publications around the world.  The following article is from the Manchester Mumbler, located in Manchester, UK.  This article was translated into American English.

Great Britain’s ghosts continued their mass protests and riots days after physicist Brian Cox said the Large Hadron Collider “proved” they don’t exist.

“We’ve never experienced anything like this,” said psychic Paulette Z. Simpson.  “The ghosts are so insulted and so frustrated that all they can do is trash the British netherworld.  Brian has turned the restless dead into the violent dead!”

Cox, on his show the Infinite Monkey Cage, stated that the measurements and discoveries made using the Large Hadron Collider left no room for the existence of ghosts or for an afterlife.

I would say that if there’s some kind of substance that’s driving our bodies, making arms move and legs move, then it must interact with the particles out of which our bodies are made. Since we’ve made high precision measurements of the ways that particles interact, my assertion is there can be no such thing as an energy source that’s driving our bodies.

The violent reaction from ghosts was so great that its effects could be felt in our world.

“I set my cup down on the table and it just fell over,” said Linda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Some would say I was careless, but I’m not.  Fighting ghosts knocked it over.”

Paul offered more evidence: “My cat kept looking at the wall.  That’s not a big deal, but she kept turning her head!  I think she was watching ghost picketers!  I have all the proof I need!”

Peter Chauncey, the president of the British Association of Expert Mediums, denounced Cox’s statement as “reckless.”

“I have two words for Mr. Cox! Dark. Energy. Ghosts are dark energy.  Every time a being with a soul dies, it becomes dark energy and contributes to the expansion of the universe. It’s so obvious!  How could he miss this obvious conclusion?”

Chauncey urges all British residents to avoid all haunted places until the ghosts settle down.

“Only trained professionals should deal with ghosts at this point.  Fortunately, I can provide that training for a reasonable rate.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Page Three Sheep returns! Again!
Virgin Group offers to take over the government
Prime Minister May begs aliens for favorable trade agreement
Richard Dawkins to smite God on 2/3/17