UFO crashes into Long Grove’s covered bridge (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A spacecraft attempting to land at Palatine’s Sherman Base crashed into Long Grove’s Robert Coffin Bridge. The crew and the bridge were unharmed, but the collision caused extensive damage to the craft.

The pilot, XoiGon, claims the collision wasn’t her fault. “The bridge made me do it! As we flew our the town, I felt compelled to fly through a space that was too narrow. It had nothing to do with the Blue Cheese I was snacking on. I can handle that. I can’t handle a cursed human structure!”

This is the 51st time a vehicle has struck the covered bridge. It is the first time a spacecraft crashed into it. A local official, who asked not to be identified, denied the bridge is cursed. 

“There are lots of signs warning people about the height restriction. Drivers either ignore them and want to test the bridge’s reinforced roof. I think that alien did it on purpose and learned a valuable lesson.”

An anonymous resident disagrees. “The bridge by a demon. That demon demands a sacrifice of vehicles in exchange for its protection. I think it now has a taste for alien spaceships!”

Investigators from the New World Order doubt the bridge is possessed. “We have detected no divine or infernal energy within the bridge. We’re leaning towards magnetism. Maybe the steel used to reinforce the bridge randomly magnetizes itself.”

Beth Z. Carson, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, says the base is fully cooperating with the NWO. “I think this investigation will show the Illuminati were involved. They know Clow UFO Base can’t compete with us!”

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied any involvement in the accident. “Why would we want to give Long Grove more free publicity? They may have their truck devouring bridge, but we have the Golf Club and WeatherTech.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “So, is it true D2D is going to buy BookBub?”

A man over the phone replied, “Of course not. We just bought Smashwords and SelfPubBookCovers.com. Do you realize how much it is going to cost to clean up both sites?”

“Kevin. You know you could worry about that after D2D becomes the Amazon of self-publishing.”

“Amazon? D2D is the anthesis of Amazon. We’re just providing the tools to help our wide authors succeed.”

Another man yelled over the phone, “Dear Lord! Please forgive us for distributing a book with the word ‘Daddy.’ And forgive our trespass for distributing a Godless Urban Fantasy!”

“Of course, not every author can be a D2D author.”

Also in the Babbler:

Egypt denies conquering Bolingbrook
Mayor will not rename Clow UFO Base
Rep. Bill Foster campaigns on the moon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Some good news for a change (Non-fiction)

As some of you may recall, my company laid me off back in March. Fortunately, they rehired me last week. I went back to the office on Monday. It was surreal in some ways, but  I appreciated that my former teammates made my return possible. It’s not my old position, but it is a position.

Over the past four months, I learned more than I ever expected to about LinkedIn, job interviews, and how to produce an ATS friendly resume. I also discovered how good my company’s health care policy is. As much as I would love to be a full-time writer, I didn’t have the savings or the killer marketing instinct necessary to make it possible. I’ll have to wait for my retirement for that to happen.

There were lots of difficulties during my job hunt. Though too many would credit a higher power, I feel I got this point with the help of other people. I appreciated the support from my friends and family. The advice and training I received from JVS/JCFS pointed me in the right direction, and kept my spirits up whenever an interview didn’t go well. Being part of the Kol Hadash and Freethought Blogs community also encouraged me through the stressful times. We are in this together.

Now I need to adjust to my new work hours and my new creative writing schedule. I’m making progress towards finishing the next book in my secular Urban Fantasy series. I might beat George RR Martin to publication again. 🙂

 

 

 

 

Center for Inquiry and Richard Dawkins filming ‘The Sound of Reason’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

The only movie production still operating in the United States is currently shooting scenes in Bolingbrook. Currently titled The Sound of Reason, controversial Professor Richard Dawkins and the equally controversial Center for Inquiry are producing what they claim will be the atheist version of The Sound of Freedom.

Said a production manager, who asked not to be identified, “If you can’t beat them, copy them. They’re not the only ones who can make vile accusations against our opponents.”

The movie is about a young British Home Office employee named Richard who uncovers a sinister cabal planning to infect a mind virus on the Western World. When his supervisor, Peter Zed, threatens to reprimand Richard for his dangerous ideas, Richard resigns and sets out to stop the “Broke” mind virus.

Because most of the actors are British, and most of the scenes are being filmed in Oxford, UK, The Sound of Reason is exempt from the SAG/SWG strike. CFI, according to sources, insisted on filming part of the movie in the United States. The production, however, does not have a permit from the Village of Bolingbrook. As a result, the crew film at night with hidden cameras.

Paul X. Cooper, a Bolingbrook resident, claims the crew drafted him into being an extra. “Some guy handed me a $100 and told me to watch the actors and pretend to be offended. When they said Christianity was a symptom of the Broke Mind Virus, I didn’t need to act offend. I was offended.”

According to a source within Village Hall, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta refused to grant a film permit. The sources claim she objected to this scene that was going to be filmed in front of the Bolingbrook Community Center. The sources provided a copy of the scene.

Richard: It’s hideous the way they infect children with the Broke Mind Virus. Parents are fooled into sending their children into special schools, where they are groomed to accept the mind infection.

Average American character to be named later: That’s terrible! Who should I shoot first?

Richard: But that’s not the worst part?

Average: It’s not?

Richard: The worst part is what they do to the children who resist the virus. They’re labeled “At Risk Youth” and forced to attend special sessions where infectors devise individual behavior modification programs for each sweet, innocent little child. Once infected with the Broke Mind Virus at such a young age, the condition is almost incurable!

Average: Outrageous! I must jump on social media and post about the radical gender identity cultural Marxists!

Richard: Gender identity? No. I’m talking about delusional religious leaders. 

Alexander-Basta denied meeting with a film crew. She urged all residents to remain calm during the strike. “There’s lots of content on the streaming platforms. HBO can revive all the programs they pulled. But in the unlikely event you finish watching all the platforms, we have lots of books you can check out at the library.”

A spokesperson for CFI denied they were producing a movie. The spokesperson started crying and said, “I survived Covid only to be interviewed by the Babbler. There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Richard Dawkins said, “My Twitter feed isn’t what it used to be. How will you fix it?”

A man who sounded like Elon Musk said, “I will come up with something and it will work because I’m a billionaire!”

Also in the Babbler

Chicagoland survives Russian tornado attack
Fire elementals devastate Canada
Gender critical feminists attack person critical of gender
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.

Quick life and author update

It’s been a rough few months for my wife and I. She’s trying to balance a health issue and maintain her business. I’m still job hunting, which has many emotional swings. Especially this past week. Still, we’re hanging in there, and I’m now optimistic that I’ll find a new position soon.

Also, my new novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is progressing. I’m up to 23,000 words, and the first draft might end up at around 100,000 words. The pace of the story is an improvement over The Rift. My first incomplete draft of The Rift was close to 100,000, and I’d just gotten to the first weredeer scene. In contrast, I’ve already written some major scenes for Revenge. Now I’m getting to the fun part.

It’s possible I might get a first draft complete by next year. Then it will be a matter of finding the right editors.

If you want to learn more about the three currently released books in my Urban Fantasy series, go to https://bolingbrookbabbler.com. (I’m also working on a web page redesign.)

So that’s where I am right now. I hope things are going well for all of you.

 

Would you let this man run your Mars colony? (Non-fiction)

Elon Musk

Elon Musk has decided to improve Twitter by imposing reading limits.

To address extreme levels of data scraping & system manipulation, we’ve applied the following temporary limits: – Verified accounts are limited to reading 6000 posts/day – Unverified accounts to 600 posts/day – New unverified accounts to 300/day

Considering that most social media companies want readers to say on as long as possible so they see more ads, this is not the way to recoup his $44 billion investment. I don’t know if it’s a cover for a broken update, or he has no impulse control when it comes to Twitter. Honestly, I surprised it hasn’t crashed and burned already.

If he fulfills his dream of moving to Mars and running a colony, I’m sure he would screw it up in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. Fortunately, I have a feeling he’ll be long gone by the time humanity figures out how to build sustainable cities on Mars.

Web Exclusive: Canadian wildfire smoke wreaks havoc at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

From intoxicated aliens to emergency landings, the smoke from Canadian wildfires is wreaking havoc at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

An anonymous staffer said, “We never expected having the worst air quality in the world. So, we’re experiencing some challenges keeping the base open.”

One of those challenges is aliens sneaking outside to get high off the smoke. Sources claim unauthorized visits have increased by 49% since the smoke covered the Chicago area.

Twyla, who asked that we not use her real name, claims an intoxicated alien stumbled into her backyard.

“I looked out my window and saw this armor-plated alien dancing. I should have been scared, but I was ticked off. I had to stay inside to breathe, and this thing was having a ball. So,I took a chance and opened the door. Before I started coughing, I told it to get off my yard. That thing looked at me and said, ‘Peace, love, wood smoke!’ It passed out after that. The Men in Blue took care of it, but it never should have reached my house in the first place.”

Officials blamed the smoke for two emergency landings at Clow.

Siydo, captain of a freight UFO, said the smoke destroyed her ship’s engines.

“My ship can handle interstellar dust, asteroid collisions, and radiation. Everything except this smoke! What are they burning?”

According to a resident, a ship landed in her backyard instead of a landing pad.

“I didn’t believe in aliens until this ship landed. I went out to greet them. It’s not like I could run away if they were hostile. The first alien stepped outside and died. So sad. Another stepped out and noticed me. It looked at its wrist, then said, ‘We made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Please don’t call us George.’ They left, and now I have a grass circle in my yard.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised Clow’s staff, and asks residents to remain strong. “We can stay inside and hope that wildfires don’t start in Illinois. Can you imagine how bad the smoke from those fires would be?”

She insisted the smoke would be gone in time for the All American Celebration on July 4th.

Busy Week (Non-fiction)

Not sure if I’ll get a story in this week. I’m prepping for an interview and workshop, and, hopefully, I’ll hear back from one of the places I’ve interviewed at.

The new novel is coming along. At this point, I’m thinking that I’ll finish the first draft next year, but I could surprise myself. Right now, I’m working on a scene that takes place at Navy Pier Grand Ballroom. I’ve been there once for an awards ceremony. It was part of the original Pier, and quite a contrast from the strip mall on the lake.

In the meantime, if you subscribe to my monthly newsletter, you’ll get a free copy of God to Smite Bolingbrook, a collection of my pre-Freethought Blogs stories. This eBook is only available through my newsletter. Plus I’ll have a couple of special announcements in next month’s edition.

If I don’t post again this week, I should have story up by next week.  Maybe Brookbot will return…

 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Bears? (Fiction)

Bolingbrook may have joined Arlington Heights, Naperville, and Waukegan to be the new home of the Bears.

According to anonymous sources with relatives who have friends that each have a connection to the Village of Bolingbrook, the village submitted an “extensive proposal” to the team. The alleged proposal includes:

  • “Supporting” the construction of a $2 Billion stadium to be built under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
  • $3 Billion in property tax credits.
  • Provide “subsidies” to build an extensive tunnel network.
  • Free Americana Estates lots for players and management to build “high end housing.”
  • All local elected officials swearing an oath to only make positive statements about the team.

One anonymous source defended the proposal. “This is a win for everyone. The Bears get a state-of-the-art stadium. The property values for Americana Estates will skyrocket, which means the village will make money when they sell their lots and when they collect property taxes! The big spenders can take the elevator to the Bolingbrook Golf Club. The residents won’t have to deal with football traffic. Local businesses won’t be overwhelmed with fans. It might even be profitable someday. Just like the Golf Club will be in the future!”

Not all residents are impressed with the plan. Peter X. Lott, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party, says the plan is irresponsible.

“Everyone knows they built Bolingbrook over the remains of a pre-Ice Age metropolis. One careless dig is all it would take to turn our wonderful community into a sinkhole!”

A source connected to the Bears doubts they will select Bolingbrook. “Honestly, we’re just trying to scare all the taxing bodies in Arlington Heights. They assumed we committed to them after buying Arlington Park for $197.2 million. But we’re used to losing millions drafting and trading for worthless players. So if they want a chance at any of our money, they’re going to let us sack them!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied the village was lobbying the Bears to move to Bolingbrook. “Stadium deals aren’t worth it. There are better ways to help Bolingbrook. Like celebrating the refurbishing of Bolingbrook Commons!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “We should start using BrookBot to make important decisions. It’ll make us look like a community of the future.”

“I don’t know,” said a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. “BrookBot. A bus picks up three passengers. At the next stop, one passenger leaves, and five get on. At the next stop, four passengers leave and one gets on. At the next stop, two leave, and one gets on. How many stops did the bus make?”

A digital voice replied, “42!”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Subscribe to my newsletter to get free eBook, God to Smite Bolingbrook. You can also buy me a coffee.

God to Smite Bolingbrook is out and it’s free! (Non-Fiction)

After promising to make a collection of my pre-Freethought Blog Babbler articles, I finally got around to it. God to Smite Bolingbrook is a collection of some of my favorite stories from 1998 to 2016. It includes my first Babbler article from 1998, and other fun stories. Ever wondered what a reboot of Phil Plait’s Bad Universe TV show for an interstellar audience would be like? Or if creationists took a stab at mathematics? Or what AtheistTV could have become with the right programing director? Now you can! God to Smite Bolingbrook is a trip down memory lane for long time readers, and an opportunity to learn about the evolution of the Babbler stories, and setting.

If that’s not enough, it also includes an excerpt from my novel, The Rift. You’ll get the prologue and the first chapters.

So, how much for this eBook? If you subscribe to my author newsletter, you’ll get God to Smite Bolingbrook for free. If you decide to remain a subscriber, you’ll get updates about my books and other projects at least once a month. Subscribers will also be the first to know about any special deals. I hope you’ll check it out.

Now back to writing Revenge of the Phantom Press.

Cover of God to Smite Bolingbrook

God to Smite Bolingbrook: Best of the Babbler 1998 to 2016.

Mayor Alexander-Basta lays wreath at the Bolingbrook Time War Memorial (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mary Alexander-Basta laid a wreath at the Time War Memorial to honor those who died before the Men in Blue erased the invaders from the timeline. Some of the formally deceased watched the ceremony.

The Bolingbrook Time War occurred in 1984 when a military force from the year 3000 appeared and attacked Bolingbrook. Despite facing a force with far superior technology, the Village of Bolingbrook repelled the invasion. After a Martian Colonial gunship delayed the invaders, then Mayor Ed Rosenthal sent a team of Men in Blue were sent to the future to destroy their time machine prototype. The MiB succeeded, and time 

“I still get a weird feeling attending my memorial,” said Jessie X. Armstrong, who was a police officer. “Still, it beats being a ghost. It’s more like I got a second chance at life.”

Alexander-Basta delivered a short speech after the ceremony, praising them for their “temporary inconvenience.”

“Some of you willingly made the ultimate sacrifice. Some of you were caught off guard. But thanks to all of you, Bolingbrook’s residents can enjoy our newest eatery, Afternoon!”

After reading a poem composed by the village’s secret AI, BrookBot, she looked down at her phone, then smiled. “Florida just banned the poem I just recited. That means it must be good.”

She concluded her speech by saying, “Twitter users want to know how to win a time war. The answer is in front of me. All of you are the reason Bolingbrook won the time war.”

After her speech, a veteran recited Mark Twain’s “War Prayer,” then walked offstage.

Also in the Babbler:

Village rejects Trump’s ultimatum to move the Golf Club closer to O’Hare Airport.
Editorial: Good bye Turkish Democracy
Canadian billionaire offers to buy Bolingbrook for $1 million
God to spare Bolingbrook during Memorial Day week

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.