Chicago police foil kidnaping of the Lake Michigan monster (Fiction)

Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.

According to the CPD,  three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment.  When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”.  After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.

According to the man, the Loch Ness Monster died eight months ago.  The group hoped to capture Mishy to transport her to Loch Ness.

According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings.  One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”

The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:

“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy.  I don’t know about that.  There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”

Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment.  Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.

Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:

“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal.  They are not kidnappers!  They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes!  Brexit is so confusing!”

James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:

“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva.  Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan.  A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube!  She’s almost ready for prime time.”

Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy:  “Do the hump trick.”

A small wave formed.

“Hump trick!”

Another wave formed.

“Not in the mood today?  No problem.  Stick your neck up!”

A vaguely shaped object surfaced.

“You look like a branch of a sunken log!  Stick your neck up higher!”

The object rolled underwater.

“I don’t blame you.”

Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.

“OK, Mishy!  Toss me in the air!”

Wilson bobbed in the water.

“That’s better.  See?  This is why I have the best job in city government!”

Also in the Babbler:

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Bolingbrook United asks for embassy at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/17

Chicagoland’s Science March locations (Out of Character)

The Science March will be held on April, 22, which organizers describe as, “(The) first step of a global movement to defend the vital role science plays in our health, safety, economies, and governments.”  The main march will be in Washington, DC.  Below are the Chicagoland satellite marches:

ChicagoRally starts at 10:00 am.  Enter Columbus Dr. from Congress Pkwy.  The rally stage will be on Columbus Dr., just south of E. Jackson Dr.  The march will start at 12:00 PM from the stage and go to the Museum Campus, where there will be an expo.

Palatine: Marchers will gather at the Palatine Library in Room 1 at 11:00 am.  March is expected to begin around 11:20 am.

Links to other marches around the world can be found here.

Web Exclusive: ‘Punch a Nazi’ clubs latest Chicagoland trend (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Bigotry)

Bob casually walked on the sidewalks of the Promenade Bolingbrook.  “Fourteen,” he said to every white young man that walks by.  Most ignored him, or replied by saying, “Fifteen,” or “Eighteen,” or “Twenty-one.”

A young man with a high and tight haircut ran up to Bob.  “I know,” he whispers.  He clears his throat.  “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”  He smiles.

Bob threw a right hook into the man’s jaw.  As he fell to the ground, Bob ran towards his motorcycle.  By the time the man stood up, Bob had speed away down Boughton Road.

Bob is member of the Bolingbrook Punch a Nazi club, one of what he claims to be a growing number of similar clubs in the Chicagoland area.  He and others claim to have been inspired by videos of a masked man punching white supremacist Richard Spencer.

“Why punch them?  Because they’re Nazis!  We fought a war against them!  We charged them with war crimes.  We watch movie heroes fight them.  We play videos games where we try to kill them.  Now you want me to be nice to them because President (Steve Bannon) is in charge?  (Expletive Deleted) you!  They can call themselves Alt-Right or Racial Realists all they want.  They’re Nazis and they started the Holocaust!  That’s all the justification I need!”

Officially, Chicagoland police departments have no record of these clubs, or of any organized attacks against white supremacists.  Unofficially, police sources claim that there are now over 100 such clubs and over 300 white supremacists/nazis have been assaulted.

“They’re spreading like a real life meme,” said one anonymous official.  “It hasn’t been this bad since the Harlem Shake epidemic.  It’s open season on Neo-Nazis.  Why can’t they just write blog posts instead of breaking the law?”

In addition to Nazis, not everyone supports the growth in the number of Punch a Nazi clubs in Chicagoland.

Paul X. Klein, a spokesperson for the <insert name> group, says punching Nazis doesn’t work.  “Cracked has a great article about this.  They’re the greatest skeptical publication out there.  Anyway, I’ll paraphrase.  Richard Spencer and his friends want you to hit them.  It does three things.  It creates the public perception that they’re victims and makes the other side look like criminals.  It also strengthens the resolve of other neo-Nazis.  They see themselves as the defenders of Western Civilization against a violent horde.  Attacking them confirms their biases, and you don’t want that.  Finally, do you really want a criminal record? Assault is illegal.”

“Besides,” added Natalie, who refused to give her last name, “Nazis and Communists fought each other during the Weimar Republic era. You remember how that turned out.  Instead, we think the best way to fight them is to have a rational conversation with them.”

In the front of the meeting room, skeptic Earl and Stormfront forum member Hektor, began to debate. Members of Bolingbrook skeptics watched.

Earl, wearing a pirate outfit and a pasta colander on his head, concluded his opening statement.  “There is no such thing as biological human races.  We are all members of one human species that is connected to all animal species, and we are made of star-stuff, as Carl Sagan used to say.  There are more important things to hate, like homeopathy.”

Hektor started his speech.  “Many years ago, I wouldn’t have been allowed here.  Today, you guys have proven that my ideas are worthy of debate.  If you look past the cultural Marxism that dominates science literature, and only look at the real science, you’ll see that races are real.  If the white race is to survive, we need to filter out the all the defective genes.”  Hektor walked up to Earl, followed by a man holding a video camera.  “Especially the genes that James Randi carries!”  Hektor then pointed at his chin.

Earl turned red.  He then closed his eyes and repeatedly said, “I am awesomely rational.  I am rationally awesome.”

A member of the Skokie Punch a Nazi club, who asked to be called Elton, disagrees with the Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Education can work, like the Illinois Holocaust Museum, but we have to do more.  Nathan Hevenstone has it right:  People in this country who call for any kind of ethnic cleansing shouldn’t feel safe.  They think Trump will protect them, but they’re wrong.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my activism. Go read Stephanie’s post.”

Elton walked around Old Orchard Mall, occasionally yelling, “Down with the Z.O.G!”

After several moments, a man runs up to Elton and points to his Pepe pin.

“I hate the Zionist Occupational Government of Skokie so—”

Elton hit him in the mouth with an elbow, then ran away.  The man fell to the ground and spit out some of his teeth.  “My perfect aryan teeth!” he cried.

A police officer walked up to him.  “Arrest that man.  He attacked a pure white American.  He attacked me because I disagree with the existence of Jews!”

The officer pulled out a notepad.  “I will, but after I write you a ticket for littering.”

Natalie feels that while violence against bigotry is necessary sometimes, it should only be used as a last resort.  “As long as we can protest, organize community groups, post on social media, and vote, we owe it to ourselves to try those options first.  Like my martial arts teacher used to say, the best brawl is no brawl.  Because once you turn to violence, so many things can go wrong.”

Aliens observe Women’s March on Chicago (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Women and women marching.  Above them, a UFO has the text, "There is intelligent life on Earth!"

Enhanced photo of a UFO over the Women’s March on Chicago. (William Brinkman)

In addition to an estimated 250,000 humans, aliens also attended the Women’s March on Chicago.

Chicago’s Orange Squad, which deals with paranormal activity in Chicago, reported no arrests or disturbances.  One source said: “Everyone played by the rules.  Only the aliens with low-altitude permits flew over the march.  The marchers didn’t riot.  Maybe if we treat other protest organizers with the same respect as we did the Women’s March organizers, all them would be peaceful.  Why aren’t you laughing?”

Zo Goop, who runs a flyover service out of Clow UFO Base, was pleased with the march.  “With the election, I was worried that humanity was starting to revert to the barbarism and bigotry from over 70 Earth orbits ago.  Seeing so many people out there gave me hope.  President Trump will be a step backwards for humanity, but I have hope that humanity will someday move forward.”

Po Zoe, a resident of Wolf 1061c, was even more enthusiastic.  “There is intelligent life on Earth after all.”

Some aliens, like Gar Zeb, mingled among the crowd.  “I liked the free snacks the socialist parties were handing out,” she said.  “But it was hard to hear the speakers or see the stage.  I heard they were only planning for 50,000 people and 200,000 more showed up.  Maybe if they had also used the People’s Mic, like they did at Occupy, more people would have gotten the message.”

Additionally, there were so many people that the organizers had to cancel the march and turn the event into a rally.  Zeb was disappointed, but understood: “When I navigated through the crowd, I came upon groups doing their own chants and speeches.  It was like attending several rallies at once.  My human suit was damaged, but the experience was worth it!”

Zex Splen, from Kepler-452B, complained that the marches had to happen at all.  “Five orbits ago, I was going to donate to the Democratic Party, because they support women’s rights on this continent.  But no!  My New World Order representative told me that women were going to be fine.  Hillary Clinton was going to be the next President.  So I did what they said, and donated to the James Randi Educational Foundation.  I come back to find the JREF is no more, the NWO is at war with the Illuminati, and someone wearing a poorly painted human suit is humiliating Hillary.  Instead of moving forward, women are about to be consumed by a black hole of masculinity.  I feel ripped off.  This time I’m investing in feminist groups, and I hope I’m not too late!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bears fans cheer as Satan stops the Packers’s winning streak
Melania Trump appoints Mayor Roger Claar as her Illinois Illuminati Liaison
Lisle trees celebrate unusually warm weather
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/26/17