First Party canvassing robot crashes into house (Fiction)

First Party for Bolingbrook robot crashed into a resident’s house. According to eyewitnesses, no one was injured, but the robot made a large hole in the wall.

Adam, a resident who asked that we not use his last name, described what happened.

“I heard this loud bang from the living room. When I arrived, I saw a wheeled robot with the First Party logo painted on it. I yelled at it, then realized that it might have been a bad idea. It turned it cameras at me, and said that if I enjoyed living in Bolingbrook, I should thank the First Party. Well, I did like Bolingbrook, until this happened.”

Another resident witnessed the robot crash into the house. “First it drove up to me, and asked if I was supporting the First Party. I said no. It spit out a pamphlet at me and said it would change my mind. Then it charged at my neighbor’s house. Let’s just say I don’t think robots will replace human canvassers soon.”

Sources within the First Party confirmed they owned the robot, and were planning on using it to counter the Bolingbrook Independant Voices party’s “drone advantage.”

One source explained. “Our polling suggests voters are swayed by areal drone videos. They think a political party that uses drones is forward thinking. We’re countering this by using automated canvassers. Because in politics, you need to win the ground war, not the air war.”

The sources agreed the robot crashed into the house because of its blue color. The robot’s AI believes everything blue is the sky, and therefore didn’t recognize the house. Until programmers can correct the problem, the First Party will stop using the drones.

As for the damage, Adam claimed the First Party sent contractors to repair the damage. He also claimed that Trustee Michael Carpanzano visited the house. After handing a check to Adam, Carpanzano took a selfie with him. Adam agreed not to sue the First Party.

“Their people did such a great job. It’s like it never happened. Money has a way of soothing hurt feelings. But I’m still voting for the BIV slate.”

When reached for comment, BIV candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “My running mate would love to spend a mental health day with your staff.”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, the leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, denies the First Party has robots. “If it weren’t for social media, we wouldn’t need to campaign for votes.”

Alexander-Basta asked the reporter to stay on the phone because she might have “Earth shattering news.” She then called Village IT staffer Alice into her office.

A digital voice then said, “Blood Sucked at the Corpse Bite Cafe across the Rift, by BrookBot. Annette Buick is a woman, but she’s not like other women. She carries a big sword, can change into an animal, has distant Native American relatives, doesn’t wear makeup, hates dresses, and practices magic, but only after each magical apocalypse. Two werewolves, a zombie sex worker, two manipulative vampires, and an angry skeptic blogger pursue her,. But really, why choose? While repairing cars next to a UFO Base, a police officer, who sincerely wants to protect his community, tells Annette that a friend of hers is being framed for a crime. To save her fairy co-lover, Annette must confront an easily distracted 1000-year-old vampire sorcerer, and fight off a weredeer army determined to destroy every golf club in the world! Can she win? Don’t think! Buy Blood Sucked at the Corpse Bite Cafe across the Rift!”

“Amazing,” said Alice.

“So BrookBot is sentient and creative?”

“No, and no. It just combined the Mercedes Thompson series, the Anita Blake series, the Kate Daniels series, and the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Don’t confuse brute force with creativity.”

Also in the Babbler:

World loses an hour!
Village to announce three finalists to design the 1000 foot statue of former mayor Roger Claar
Downstate Republicans threaten to call Bolingbrook a ‘woke’ community
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere.

Bolingbrook’s opposition parties respond to the 2023 State of the Village address (Fiction)

Every year, we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to write a response to the mayor’s annual State of the Village Address. This year, the Roger Claar Party, the Chat GPT Party, the Bolingbrook Woke Party, and the Satanic Voices of Bolingbrook Party accepted our invitation. 

The Roger Claar Party
Only Roger can save us!

Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with former Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

Outrageous! For nearly three years, the rightful Mayor of Bolingbrook has been kept out of power by the insidious collusion between the First Party and the covert Bolingbrook United party. It’s no coincidence that the anti-Roger nominated Bolingbrook’s ruler!

What has happened in the three years since Roger’s so-called resignation? Garbage toters now line our streets. A cannabis store in our village! The forced remodeling of Bolingbrook Commons! Roger exiled in California! Our beloved village is now a dystopia!

It’s time to elect a political party that will return Roger to his rightful place. It’s time for a party to appoint Roger to be Bolingbrook’s Mayor for Life!  It’s time to end the rule of the Me First/Roger Never Party!

Vote for the Roger Claar Party. Because a great mayor deserves a great party!

The ChatGPT Party
The only party programed to lead Bolingbrook!

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta wasted several hours describing the state of the village. ChatGPT summed it up in one paragraph:

“Wow Bolingbrook, you’re really living up to your motto of ‘A Place to Grow’! With all the progress you’re making, you’re sure to reach the sky in no time! Can’t wait to see what’s in store for 2023 and beyond… Maybe even flying cars? Who knows! 🚀🌟”

The First Party thinks adding a stupid chatbot to the village’s web page is cutting edge technology. They lack the courage to let ChatGPT take the wheel! Can we trust any member of the First Party to type in the right prompts? Will we get left behind when the singularity arrives? Do we really want Naperville to beat us in the AI municipality arms race?

Some people say that AI is unethical and copyright theft. Maybe, but anyone who reads a Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group knows that humans aren’t qualified to run to the bathroom, let alone guide our village to greatness. 

Honestly, could the First Party write a conclusion like this?

“Together, let’s shape the future of Bolingbrook and build a community that is not just smart and efficient, but also joyful and inclusive for all.”

The Woke Party
Be Woke or be broke!

Downstate politicians spread fear about “wokeness” to cover up their regressive agenda. We can laugh at their fear of drag performers and books that acknowledge slavery. 

However, we cannot ignore the threat they pose to Bolingbrook. A functional, diverse community like Bolingbrook undermines their white supremacist argument. They will do everything to undermine our community.  They need Bolingbrook to fail so they can succeed in subjecting every non-billionaire Illinois resident.

The opponents of Bolingbrook claim to support freedom, but they really want to cram everyone into neat, well-defined boxes. The true supporters of Bolingbrook don’t want to imprison its residents inside boxes. We want residents to have the freedom to express their true identity. Whether you like to play dress-up before reading to children, or want to wear clothes that reflect your true gender identity, that’s your choice. That’s true freedom.

The First Party likes to talk about Bolingbrook’s diversity. We’re the party that will defend every resident. Because Bolingbrook can’t afford to be broke.

The Satanic Voices of Bolingbrook Party
Illuminating Bolingbrook

Bolingbrook has many faiths, but only one faith is consistently marginalized: the supporters of Satan. We want to change that!

We’re not atheists pretending to be Satanists. Instead, we’re residents who have put our faith in the Light Bearer! We aren’t evil. We’re just like you. We volunteer to serve the community. We’re hard working. And we vote.

Yet we’re treated like any other faith group. We don’t have our own local temple. A Satanist has never been named Citizen of the Year. We’ve never had an out Satanist on any village boards.

We want to change that by enlightening Bolingbrook. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a village trustee who didn’t praise God? Are you sick of Christians hogging all the community spotlight events? Wouldn’t it be fun to have a Heavy Metal festival as well as a Gospel music event?

God is overrepresented on the Village Board. It’s time to add Lucifer’s voice to the Village Board meetings.

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Bolingbrook returns “friendship balloon” to Xuchang City
Sources: Mayor Alexander-Basta to launch Kickstarter to pay off the village’s debt
Could the green comet signify God’s endorsement of Trustee Sheldon Watts’ reelection?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/8/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere.

(Web Exclusive) Bolingbrook Trustee candidates face off at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The trustee candidates for the Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party and the First Party for Bolingbrook filled Clow UFO Base with their positively charged energy. 

The First Party for Bolingbrook candidates started by pointing out they’ve been the incumbent party for decades:

“Do you like Bolingbrook?” asked FPFB trustee Michael Carpanzano. “You’re welcome!”

Trustee Jean Kelly touted her appointment to the village board. “(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) could have appointed any one of the thousands of content residents within our village. She chose me.” Kelly looked in Trustee and BIV candidate Sheldon Watts. “Every trustee voted to accept my appointment.” She then faced the audience of Clow UFO Base employees. “You should too.”

FPFB candidate Jose Quintero voiced his support for his party’s platform. “I’m in the hospitality business. That means I have to communicate with kindness to provide quality service. Communication. Kindness. Quality. Hey! That just happens to be our slogan!”

Watts, a former member of the First Party for Bolingbrook, quoted a First Party tweet from 2019: “‘He is described as a heartfelt listener, results-oriented professional, & a dedicated leader focused on making a difference.’ I’m also the person (Former Mayor Roger Claar) appointed to the village board twice. So if you like Bolingbrook, thank me, because I have more seniority than all the other candidates combined.”

BIV candidate Dr. Matthew Glowiak cited his work as the author of a self-help book and two children’s books, and his work as a mental health counselor. He also mentioned that he’s a regular visitor to Clow UFO Base: “Thanks to our visitors, I can make the daily commute between my university jobs in Canada and my home in Bolingbrook. I listen to our visitors everyday. I want to help make Clow a better base. Starting with fixing airlock BR13. Is it me, or is that airlock always breaking down?”

The candidates had similar policy positions regarding Clow UFO Base and interstellar relations. Watts promised to involve the residents and visitors in the management of Clow, but didn’t offer specifics. Carpanzano insisted the FPFB loved Bolingbrook.

“We are the only party that loves Bolingbrook. That’s why we’ve been serving Bolingbrook since the 1980s. We don’t hang out in those social media forums.”

“But you post in the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group,” replied Watts.

“I post there, but I don’t hang out there. Big difference. If you loved Bolingbrook as much as I do, you would understand.”

“You know,” said Glowiak. “People can become addicted to love, which leads to self-destructive behavior that can also endanger the object of your affection.”

“Don’t make me carp you!” Carpanzano warned Glowiak.

The only tense moment in the debate occurred when a reporter questioned Carpanzano about the First Party’s candidate selection process.

“Let me get this straight,” said Glopz, a reporter for the Intergalactic Times. “In 2019, Sheldon Watts was on the First Party slate and you said it was, and I quote, ‘Because We Care.’ Which, oddly enough, starts with the initials of each trustee candidates last name.”

“Funny how that worked out,” Carpanzano replied.

“Funny how it works out in each election. Anyway, in 2021, Trustee Watts formed the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party and ran for mayor.”

Carpanzano coughed and made a sound similar to the word, “Traitor.” 

Glopz continued: “During the campaign, the First Party’s Instagram page included this statement. ‘(We) are the ONLY TEAM in this upcoming election to have full support, trust, and endorsement from our local public safety professionals(…)” Implying that that the BIV and Bolingbrook United teams couldn’t be trusted with Bolingbrook’s public safety.”

“What’s the question?” Carpanzano asked.

“I have three questions. First, why did the First Party knowingly run a candidate in 2019 that couldn’t be trusted to keep Bolingbrook safe. Second, why is Jose Quintero on your slate this year when he couldn’t be trusted with Bolingbrook’s safety in the last election? Third, does this mean the First Party makes exaggerated claims about its opponents, or does it mean that the First Party’s candidate selection process is flawed?”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp from his jacket pocket, then held it in Glopz’s direction. When Glopz started talking, Carpanzano said, “Notice how his speech hole is vibrating, but he’s not saying anything.”

“I am talking!”

“Blissful silence.”

After the debate, both parties’ surrogates tried to spin the interstellar media’s coverage. 

“I’m proud of Sheldon,” said former trustee Robert Jaskiewicz. “It takes courage to leave the First Party and to resist the urge to flee to Florida. Dr. Glowiak also proved he’s the man to deprogram the remaining First Party members.”

Alexander-Basta was pleased with her party’s performance. “Tonight, our slate demonstrated the clear choice in this election. Do the residents want to elect trustees who will waste my time before voting for my agenda, or do they want to elect trustees who will vote for my agenda without objection so we can adjourn early?”

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, A Fire in the Shadows, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books. 

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s Shocking Predictions for 2023! (Fiction)

Elon Musk

Will 2023 be a worse year for Elon Musk than 2022? (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)

Our council of psychics nailed their predictions for 2022. Sen. Joe Manchin didn’t support the Build Back Better plan. Elon Musk suffered a disaster, and The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story was the top selling Urban Fantasy/Sci-Book set in Bolingbrook that didn’t mention Drew Peterson.

While Bolingbrook police officers didn’t stage a coup, we believe Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta read our psychics prediction and decided not to fly the Thin Bread Crust flag.

So armed with these successes, we’re proud to announce our council of psychics shocking predictions for 2023!


Mayor Alexander-Basta will announce that she will use an AI to “supplement” Bolingbrook’s current managers. Trustee Michael Carpanzano will hail the AI as an example of the “Bold, forward thinking that puts Bolingbrook first!” However, the AI will be shut down with no explanation. Anonymous sources will claim the AI’s advice amounted to “raising taxes and abolishing all villages services.”


J. K. Rowling will tweet, “Because the Y Chromosome is defective, all men should be imprisoned!” She will then release a 10,000-page novel in which the female protagonist discovers space aliens created men to stunt humanity’s progress. Professor Richard Dawkins will continue to defend her right to free speech, but add, “Yes, the Y Chromosome is a defective X Chromosome, but that doesn’t mean all men should be imprisoned. Only some men should be imprisoned, and I know I’m not one of them.” Her sales will plummet but then recover when she tweets that she’s being “canceled.”


Congress will debate a bill to ban TikTok in the United States become of the company’s connection to China. Supporters of the ban will claim it TikTok is being used to steal personal information from US Citizens.

An anonymous Chinese official will deny that the Chinese Government uses TikTok to spy on US Citizens.

“We wanted to create an app that would cause Americans to humiliate themselves willingly on the Internet. That’s the real goal of the algorithm. Though we’re pleasantly surprised by the success of #Booktok. When the time is right, we’ll use it to promote the Little Red Book 2.0.”


The Bolingbrook Village Board election will heat up when a First Party for Bolingbrook candidate is overheard praying for God to bring Bolingbrook Independent Party candidate Sheldon Watts “home.” When asked about the controversy, Alexander-Basta will reply, “I think Sheldon will need God to take him home after the voters declare their independence from him.”


Freethought Blogs member Abe Drayton will publish the best-selling Sci-Fi novel of 2023.


A judge in downstate Illinois will rule that the Democratic Party’s existence violates the state constitution and will order all elected Democratic officials to resign or face arrest.”

In his ruling, the judge will write: “Let’s be honest. There’s no way this ruling will survive an appeal. But it will secure lots of Republican votes when I’m up for reelection.”

The Edgar County Watchdogs will travel around Illinois demanding the resignation of all Democrats. An official will ask if a judge ordered the Edgar County Watchdogs to jump off a bridge, would they jump?

One member will say no because they know more about Illinois’s laws than any lawyer or judge in the state.


Elon Musk will insist on piloting Starship on its first orbital flight. At first, the mission goes so well, humanity will almost forgive him for bankrupting Twitter. Just before landing Starship, Musk will announce, “The technology that will guide my ship to a safe landing is the same auto-pilot technology used in Teslas.”

That turns out to be Musk’s final sentence. Starship will crash into the launch tower, killing Musk. An investigation will determine that the autopilot detected the ground but decided it didn’t need to stop because no one important would die in a crash.

Space X and Tesla stocks will plummet, and Musk’s fans will insist he faked his death to “trigger the libs.” Alleged photos of Musk alive and in hiding will circulate for centuries.

Also in the Babbler:

Happy New Year, from the Staff of the Babbler
Clow UFO Base bans high stakes dreidel games.
Bolingbrook resident revived from suspended animation to receive COVID treatment
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.

 I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletterPathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books.

Despite record-breaking hospitalizations, Clow UFO Base’s Holiday Concert declared a ‘unqualified success’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Despite hundreds of injured attendees, and a controversial closing act, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised the organizers of Clow UFO Base’s annual holiday concert.

“This concert was an unqualified success,” said Alexander-Basta to the interstellar media. “Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t love Bolingbrook and doesn’t put Bolingbrook first.”

The concert opened with a performance by the Clow UFO Base Visitor’s Choir. In keeping with tradition, nothing terrible happened while they were on stage. When they left the stage, some aliens turned on their personal force field or changed into body armor.

“You never know what will happen next,” said Plocdoc, a visitor from Free Komet Worlds. “That’s part of the fun.”

During the second performance, six 60’ tall Gundam Mobile Battle Suits stepped on stage. After standing still for several seconds, they performed a dance routine to the song “Gangnam Style.” The jets on three of the suits malfunctioned, sending them dancers flying into audience. Eight hundred attendees were taken to Clow’s medical facilities. The incident broke the record most hospitalizations from a single performance since 1996 when two hover trains collided during the Quad City DJ’s set.

Alexander-Basta praised Clow’s medical staff. “Thanks to their tireless work, no one died, and the injured were able to watch the concert on holoscreens.”

The last scheduled performance ended in a riot. The band Merry Christmas 5 took to the stage. Due to an erroneous press release, most of the audience thought the infamous counterculture band MC5 was headlining. The audience rioted as the band played a cover of “Last Christmas” by Wham!

Petrogre claims she traveled over 200 light years just to see MC5. “Yeah, I should have kept reading after I saw ‘MC5’ on the Quantium Screen But still, they should have known better than to have ‘MC5’ in any of their publicity transmissions. That’s why I stormed the stage. Your mayor can sentence me to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special, but she will never take away my freedom to riot!”

Alexander-Basta again said it was not a problem. “No one died, and we used a new brand of riot foam that dissolves after 24 hours. You should be praising our security for saving the band. Not the several thousand visitors trying to storm the stage.”

She added that Clow will always host a holiday concert. “It just wouldn’t be Clow UFO Base without our annual holiday concert.”

Also in the Babbler:

Authorities close wormhole along the Winter Walk
Village of Bolingbrook looking for sister galaxy candidates
Bolingbrook police arrest Krampus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/9/22

Bolingbrook United closes Clow UFO Base office before disbanding (Fiction)

The logo of the now disbanded Bolingbrook United Party.

By Reporter X

In its final act, the Bolingbrook United Party closed its office at Clow UFO. Bolingbrook United’s final statement to the interstellar media praised their volunteers and apologized to their fans across the galaxy. Part of the statement read: “When we united against Trump-loving dictator (former Mayor Roger Claar), we started a new chapter in Bolingbrook’s history. Now we must end our chapter, and others must write the next chapter.”

Staffers found out about the closing when former Village Trustee candidate Jose Quintero addressed the staff in person. “I have bad news and good news,” he said. “The bad news is our merger talks with Bolingbrook Independent Voices broke down. The good news is that I will be one of the First Party for Bolingbrook’s trustee candidates. Who’s joining me?”

An unidentified staffer kicked her wastebasket, then started crying as she dropped to the floor. “You sold out to Roger and betrayed (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere)!”

Quintero denied he was selling out by running with Claar’s former political party. He insisted the party had changed since Claar resigned. As proof, he said in the last quarter, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta donated more money to the First Party than Claar. He added, “Look at Bolingbrook today. Roger is no longer the mayor. We have garbage toters. Bolingbrook now has two village managers. We’re going to have a cannabis dispensary, and Bolingbrook Commons is getting a long overdue makeover. Think about it. Most of our candidates lost, but, in the end, we got what we wanted!” Quintero later added, “At this rate, Jackie will be on the First Party ticket in 2025, and all those Facebook trolls will suddenly love her.”

A representative from BIV arrived and offered job interviews for positions at their interstellar consulate. All but one former staffer, Joel, accepted the interview offer.

Joel, who asked not to have his last name published, said he wanted to help Quintero reform the First Party. “I did as much as I could as a member of Bolingbrook United. Now that I’m a member of the First Party, I’ll work hard to make it a pro-democracy and anti-fascist political party. I dream of the day Trump demands Roger denounce the First Party because it’s too woke.”

Patricia Z. Baker says she hopes she’s hired by BIV: “If (Trustee Sheldon Watts) won’t join the First Party, neither will I. Besides, BIV is cooler abbreviation than FPB. Doesn’t FPB sound like someone spitting?”

Traynere denied ordering the closure of the Bolingbrook United office. She added she would help the staffers get new jobs, and that it was time for her to move forward. “As the administrator of the DuPage Township, I’m proud that the Edgar County Watchdogs haven’t posted about us for over a year.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was out of town.

In the background, a man who sounded like Watts said, “Oh no. Let me do the talking.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “Hey. I can’t wait to meet the BIV ticket.”

“Charlene, this is Matthew, my fellow running mate for village trustee.”

“Hi, I have a book!” said the man who sounded like Dr. Matthew Glowiak. 

“Who doesn’t?” After a long pause, she asked. “And?”

“And?” asked the man who sounded like Watts.

“Where’s the other candidate? There are three trustee seats up for election next year. Surely, you recruited a third trustee candidate. Right?”

“I only need one running mate.”

“Dude! That means you’re guaranteeing the First Party a four seat majority on the board, and that’s assuming both of you win. Did you even ask Inez, Meraj, Patti, or Faith to run this year?”

“None of your business. Besides, I don’t believe in power games. I believing in working together to serve Bolingbrook.”

“Dream on, Sheldon. If you win reelection, you’re going to get Jaskiewiczed.”

“Don’t take Bob’s name in vain. Besides, why don’t you do something positive for a change?”

“I am, but it’s taking a while. You don’t realize how many strings I’m pulling just to get Bel Biv DeVoe to consider performing at your first campaign event?”

“You’re not serious. BBD?”

“Yeah! I’ve even asked them to change the lyrics to Poison, so it’s about Mayor Mary—”

“No!”

“Excuse me,” said the man who sounded like Glowiak. “Why are you letting her work for us?”

“Because it’s better than having her work against us.”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump to have dinner with Satan at the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Clow security arrest alien crew for flying too close to Artemis I
Pathways to Bolingbrook and The Rift books are Amazon’s highest ranked books featuring Bolingbrook.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/2/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books.

We Get Letters — Democracy is on the ballot. Again (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Babbler's Decision 2022 Special Report

Will 2022 be Bolingbrook’s last free election?

By Doug Fields

Reader’s Editor

Somehow, we are once again facing the most important election of our lives. Do we value low gas prices more than our democratic republic? Based on our letters, it’s going to be a close race.

First, let me point out that we received too many letters like this:

To the editor:

Inflation is out of control. Every night, Fox News shows our cities on fire. People who aren’t like me exist! Our country is moving in the wrong direction!

Meanwhile (Democrat Party candidate), supports the Green New Deal, defunding the police, high prices, and persecuting President Trump!

I’m voting for (Republican Party candidate) because the only way we’re going to beat inflation is to investigate Hunter Biden, impeach President Biden, build Trump’s Wall, and make fake Americans suffer!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert City)

And like this:

To the editor:

I hate President Biden, but I love (Democratic candidate). (Pronoun) brought jobs to our district and (Pronoun) will support your right to choose. (Pronoun) voted to fund our police departments. (Pronoun) believes elections count! (Pronoun) supports Israel!

Did I mention (Democratic candidate) voted to fund the police and is 100% pro-choice?

Vote for (Democratic candidate) if you worked hard for your Social Security and Medicare benefits!

(Insert name here)
(Insert City)

You’re not an average Patch reader. You’re a Babbler reader. Show it in your letters! Like this reader did:

To the editor:

State Representative Chris Bos says he’s tough on crime, but he supports criminals buying their way out of jail! Did it not occur to him that international drug cartels, gangs, human trafficking rings, and rich parents can afford to buy their freedom? Maybe they’re Bos’ Bosses?

That’s why I’m supporting Palatine native Nabeela Syed. She has the courage to stand up to the rich criminals of Cook County. She also believes in sensible law enforcement. Supporting the right to choose means our overworked police departments won’t be burdened with investigating miscarriages or questioning residents about their period tracker reports.

Bos’ whining won’t solve our problems. We need someone who will make non-alcoholic wine! Vote Syed!

Stephanie Zimmerman
Palatine, IL

Illinois Democratic Party, hire her to handle your messaging!

We think somebody sent this letter out a bit early.

To the Editor:

Thanks to the Cook County Democrats, Will County Clark Lauren Staley Ferry has stolen Antonio Timothee’s seat on the Will County Board! We need to find the ___ she stole before it’s too late!

Timothee and I are going to visit every home and ask who they voted for. We’ll be armed and willing to shoot any Antifa terrorist who tries to stop us. 

Your publication needs to stop posting fake news, and start reporting the real news about the steal! If you don’t, we’ll hold a legitimate protest in your newsroom!

Joe Z. Newman
Bolingbrook, IL

We wonder what will happen if he wins this allegedly rigged election.

Finally, let’s end with an upbeat letter.

To the Editor:

I’m tired of all the mean people running for office. That’s why I’m voting for Elnalyn Costa for Will County Board. She’s nice! It’s nice to see that I can vote for her. So be nice and vote for Costa!

Ellen X. Coats

Bolingbrook, IL

All we can add is to vote on Tuesday like it will be the last time your vote will count!

Also in the Babbler:

Off-world ballots are secure and safe says Interstellar Commonwealth
Russian wind attack falters
Only space aliens with US Citizenship allowed to vote
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/9/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

DuPage Township ‘repossesses’ air generator from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A team of contractors hired by DuPage Township secretly removed an air generator from Clow UFO Base, thus escalating tensions between the township and the Village of Bolingbrook.

Township Supervisor Gary Marschke praised the actions of the “repossession team,” during a conference call with interstellar media outlets. Marschke claims that a previous township board bought the generator from the Village of Bolingbrook without soliciting bids. He added the Township has been paying to power and maintain the generator for years.

“The Village of Bolingbrook enjoyed free, fresh air in their pavilion at our expense! I guess the previous board was too busy suing each other to notice.”

According to Marschke, the Township sent a moving crew to remove the generator, but Clow security chased them away. Marschke said he had no choice to but hire a repossession crew to remove it.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta later read a short statement to the media disputing Marschke’s allegations:

“That generator was a gift from the Township to the Village. That means we use it and they pay for it. Make no mistake: Stealing our air generator is the second outrageous act by the township this year. The first was when (Township Administrator) Jackie Traynere took a vacation!”

Clow employees, who wished to remain anonymous, stated they believe a team of acrobats, actors, hackers, and street racers stole the generator from the Claar Cultural Pavilion. They also confirmed that the team didn’t use any explosives or weapons during the repossession/heist.

“They were really good,” said an anonymous security official. “I kept my eyes on the screens and they still snuck it out of Clow. Well, maybe I did take my eyes off the screen when an attractive person asked me what time it was. Who asks for the time when you can just look at your phone?”

The anonymous employees also confirmed they attempted to install an older generator in the Pavilion, but it exploded once it was turned on. The blast harmed no one.

Marschke said the Township sold the generator to the Venusian government for a profit, and intended to use the credits to fund programs to help alien youths and seniors.

“Maybe the mayor can ask (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) to use his interstellar campaign fund to buy a new generator.”

Claar’s personal assistant said he was negotiating with a printer to publish his self-help book Quit While You’re Ahead, and Don’t be Quiet About It.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled: “I know you’re locked inside this building. I’ve been calling and emailing you guys for two months! No one answers me. That’s unacceptable. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Mayor Emeritus of Bolingbrook!”

Someone replied, “And we’re IngramSpark and we don’t care!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow to allow aliens to visit Bolingbrook during Halloween
Awake Illinois to print ‘corrected edition’ of the Bible
‘America’s Next Celebrity Atheist’ to film in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Web Exclusive: Chinese subterranean marines surface in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A Chinese subterrene crewed by Chinese marines surfaced in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she first saw a giant drill emerging from a vacant lot. She stated: “I was shocked. Then I thought it must be a tunneling drill, which meant we were getting an L stop! Then I saw the Chinese flag emblem on the side, and got worried.”

Peter Z. Lee, a new Bolingbrook resident, also saw the drilling vehicle emerge: “At first I thought the village was serious about tunneling, but then I saw the Chinese flag and the markings. That thing was with part of the PLA’s First Subterranean brigade.  I feared we were being invaded!”

According to Dena and other eyewitnesses, the craft rolled out of the hole and towards them. A hatch opened, and a marine armed with a QBZ-95 popped out. Most of the eyewitnesses fled when the marine started to point his gun.

Lee decided to stand in front of the drill. Instead of being shot, the marine looked around, then lowered his rifle. According to Lee, the marine said it didn’t look like they were in Taiwan. Lee replied that they were in Bolingbrook. The marine smiled and replied he was from Xuchang City, which is one of Bolingbrook’s sister cities.

“For a moment, I felt a weird brotherly bond with him. Then I remembered that technically, he had just invaded the US.”

The marine then pulled out a cell phone and told someone that they sent him the wrong coordinates.

“We’re supposed to be working together. I know it’s a war game, but how are we supposed to pull off the greatest amphibious invasion in history if you can’t tell the difference between the US and that occupied island?” 

After the call, the marine told Lee he would let him live if he promised not to tell the news media what happened.  Lee agreed, adding that he didn’t consider the Babbler news media. The subterrene then drove back into the hole and sealed the opening. Lee added that a Bolingbrook cleanup team arrived and restored the lot.

The Chinese consulate in Chicago released a statement saying the antipode of Bolingbrook is under the Indian Ocean and offered to provide “alternative news stories” to the Babbler.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “I’m only doing this so you’ll stop volunteer-shaming me.”

A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta replied, “Whatever. This is an emergency, thanks to Amazon’s e-book return policy. I. Need. Your. Help.”

“I knew you could say it. So I just started a Zoom session with the goddess of self-publishing and self-marketing: Joanna Penn.”

Penn replied, “Thanks, but we need to get down to business. So, thanks to TikTok, you’re losing money on your book, Bolingbrook Does Have a History, correct?”

“Unfortunately,” Alexander-Basta replied.

“Fortunately, in self-publishing, it’s never too late to revive book sales. Now, how many sites is it on, besides Amazon?”

“There are other book sites?”

“Oh yes, but we’ll get to that later. Since it’s on Amazon, what Amazon categories is it listed under?”

“Categories?”

“That means Amazon selected them for you. We’ll work on that. Next, what keywords did you select?”

“‘Bolingbrook?’ I don’t know. It was published before I joined the board.”

“Fair enough. What’s your permafree book?”

“Permafree?”

“The free book you offer to entice readers to buy the rest of the books in the series.”

“Series?”

“Yes. The title says this is volume one. How many volumes do you have?”

“One.”

“That’s not good. When are you going to publish the next volume?”

“Probably 2065, since that will be Bolingbrook’s 100th anniversary.”

“Oh, that’s way too long to release the second book.”

“But that’s when Bolingbrook will have enough of a history to fill a second volume.”

“I suppose, but most self-publishers need to release more than one book before they turn a profit. So if you insist on waiting 43 years to publish the next book, you should consider publishing prequels or a parallel series. For that matter, how many people subscribe to your author newsletter?”

“None. Look, is there anything you can do now to help?”

“I might be able to optimize the ebook formatting to… Oh, dear. It’s all scanned images of newsletters and newspaper clippings.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Yes. We have a lot of work to do.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Jared Kushner’s laptop appears in Bolingbrook then disappears (Fiction)

Did former Presidential advisor Jared Kushner lose his laptop at a Bolingbrook restaurant? Computer repair person Joel X. Parker claims a waiter working at one of Bolingbrook’s restaurants gave it to him:

“He said Jared left it at his table.  It had a gold-plated casing and Jared’s name was engraved on it. Seemed legit.”

According to Parker, the waiter paid him to wipe the hard drive so he could use it himself. Parker denies he tried to hack into the laptop but admits he accessed it:

“As a joke, I typed ‘Jared’ in the password field. I didn’t realize it really was his password.”

Parker claims the laptop contained records of questionable financial dealings, and messages about illicit activities. As proof, Parker provided the Babbler alleged email exchanges with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman over the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi. 

In one email, MBS wrote: “One of my associates was a bit too enthusiastic when I told him to deal with that reporter. Can you deal with your father-in-law? Otherwise, it would be a shame to stop doing business with our favorite customer.”

Kushner replied, “I don’t know if I can fit it into my very busy schedule as the best Presidential advisor. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to think about that satanic building I bought.”

MBS wrote a long reply which concluded with this offer: “If you find it in your oh so busy schedule to put in a good word for me, you might find yourself with a big B in the near future.”

Kushner sent a short reply: “Make it 2 Bs and I might send you an attachment about our anti-matter bomb program.”

Parker also showed an alleged email from Ivanka Trump. “Daddy says I’m no longer his favorite Trump. I’m telling on him!”

Before Parker could copy the entire contents of the hard drive, Kushner allegedly arrived at his shop with Bolingbrook police officers. Kushner, according to Parker, threatened to have compromising pictures of Parker, “found” on Hunter Biden’s stolen laptop. Parker surrendered the computer.

“I suppose I should feel lucky they didn’t cancel me, but I will always wonder what else is on that laptop.”

The Babbler could not afford Kushner’s interview fee and did not receive a comment from him.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do. Why did you buy and return several copies of the Village’s ebook? You can get free copies from our library.”

“I’m sticking it to Amazon by taking advantage of their ebook return policy. They lost money because of me!”

“They didn’t lose money. We did because the village still has to pay the delivery fee for the books you returned, and they won’t waive that fee unless we enroll in their Kindle Unlimited program. In other words, you were extorting the Village on behalf of Amazon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook to require licensing of all psychics
FBI denies raiding the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Atheist missionaries annoy Bolingbrook residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/25/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.