We get letters: March 21, 2017 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Hello, and let me introduce myself to our new fans at FreethoughtBlogs.  I’m Doug Fields, the Reader’s Editor for the Bolingbrook Babbler.  My job is to read your letters to the Babbler, and offer my editorial feedback.

Since we moved the website to FtB back in January, most of the letters we’ve received have been positive. For example, this one:

To the Editor:

I love the new blog network you guys joined.  I thought it was going to boring atheists.  Instead, you’re on a network with Yemisi Ilesanmi, a real Nigerian!  I’m pretty sure Pervert Justice is a public service site!  Odgraphix must be a decoding site.  I can’t wait to read the anti-squirrel blog!  Not to mention Thoughts of Crys, which must be an atheist psychic blog!  The only boring blog is by PZ Myers.  He must be the least popular blogger here.  He needs to stop obsessing over shellfish and creationists!

Keep up the good work, and keep those other bloggers on their toes with your quality reporting!

Pauline X. Melvin
Bolingbrook, IL

Glad you like our fellow writers, though none of us here would call PZ boring.

Since it is election season, we’ve gotten our share of political posts, like this one:

To the Editor:

Your pro-Bolingbrook United bias is incredible!  Who pays you to write these articles?  George Soros?

Do you know that not all of Jackie Traynere’s s donors are from Bolingbrook?  Some of them are from Cook County!  Some of them are from unions! She’s even held campaign events outside of Bolingbrook.  Plus she’s a Democrat! We all know what kind of Democrats come out of Cook County!  One of their prominent leaders has even spoken at her events!

I want to vote for a candidate who only campaigns in Bolingbrook, only accepts donations from Bolingbrook residents, and has no party affiliation!  That’s why I’m not voting for Jackie!

John M. Smith
Bolingbrook, IL

Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you’re not voting for Mayor Roger Claar either.  He’s also received donations from Cook County, as well as Georgia, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and other states.  Unions have donated to his fund.  He’s also held campaign events in Chicago, California, and other states. Not only is he a member of the Republican Party, he’s also the 11th district Republican State Central Committeeman. Not to mention that he was also a delegate and fundraiser for Donald Trump.

For that matter, are you sure that the PAC that’s been mailing anti-Jackie flyers gets all its funding from Bolingbrook?

We also received several letters that were written in a similar style.  The mystery was solved when someone sent us this unedited form letter:

To the Editor:

There are three truths that every skeptic must accept.  (Choose two: a) Homeopathy doesn’t work. b) Chiropractors are dangerous. c) Mediums are cold readers. d) Evolution is real), and (Choose one: a) Social Justice is oppressive. b) Rejecting evolutionary psychology is rejecting science! c) Cultural Marxists are taking over our culture! d) Ayn Rand is the only true prophet. e) Men are oppressed by women!)

If you do not accept these facts, you (Choose one. a) will be responsible for the next dark age. b) are as evil as PZ Myers. d) will be a slave to Rebecca Watson e) will be destroyed by Donald Trump)

From the ashes of (Atheism+, radical feminism, or sociology), skepticism will arise again and lead us to the stars!

Your name here
Bolingbrook, IL

Finally, we’ll end with this letter.

To the Editor:

Like many feminists, I’m critical of the social construct of gender.  Yet so many of my feminist friends lose their minds when they talk about transpeople.  They become convinced that biology is perfect, and that reproductive organs determine your gender identity.

Enough!  There is no God and nature is not perfect.  Be the gender your brain says you are, not the gender society and activists demand you be.  That is the ultimate freedom!

As for the claim that you can’t tell what a person is thinking, that argument was used against gay people years ago.  How can you tell that the lesbian sitting next to you is not really a heterosexual woman appropriating lesbian culture?  How can you tell if someone is claiming to  be gay because they think it will help them keep their job?

We can’t be 100 percent sure, but we trust gay people to tell the truth.  That should include transpeople as well!

Jill X. Sheridan (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist)
Chicago, IL

Also in the Babbler:

CFI’s feline fellows protest visit to the vet
New World Order: Trump under alien control
Sources say: Claar considers building coal plant in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/17

Web Exclusive: Weredeer and Minnesota Talking Land Squids clash over ‘Bolingbrook United’ yard signs (Fiction)

Knocked over signs

Did weredeer attack these signs? (Photo from Vote Roger Claar Out in 2017.)

The Department of Paranormal Affairs warned that Weredeer and wondering Minnesota Talking Land Squids are currently fighting over yard signs for the Bolingbrook United party.

“All residents should use caution before putting up any political yard signs, especially signs from the Bolingbrook United party,” read the department’s press release.

According to eyewitnesses, feral weredeer are venturing into Bolingbrook and are tearing down yard signs or removing them completely.  Some folks have witnessed Minnesota Talking Land Squids defending the signs.

Paige, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that she saw a brawl between the two:

“It was terrible!  There are weredeer being suffocated by the squids and weredeer using their claws to slice up the squids.  It all started when one weredeer pulled up a sign.  I’ve never seen such violence before!  Let me tell you, I’m never eating sushi or venison again!”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have been accosted by a land squid:

“Honestly, I just wanted a closer look at the Bolingbrook United sign.  Because— Anyway, this squid walked up to me.  I was shocked, but maybe I shouldn’t have been because I read the Babbler.  Anyway, it said, ‘Hello sir.  I see we share the same interest in this party of social justice.  I sincerely hope you weren’t planning on touching this wonderful sign. I would feel really bad if every bone in your body was crushed and your eyes ended up on my suckers.  You know what I mean?’  I ran away and called the cops.  They didn’t do anything except tell me not to put up ‘Bolingbrook United’ signs in my yard.”

Stacy claims to have met a weredeer while putting up her signs:

“There was this guy who was wearing shorts, and had his shirt on backwards.  He walked up to me as I finished putting up my sign.  He then started insulting my looks and said I knew I was ugly because I was voting for Bolingbrook United.  You won’t believe how he followed up.  ‘If (Mayor Roger Claar) is re-elected, my fellow weredeer will be allowed back into Bolingbrook.  We’ll even be allowed to use our new PUA techniques on human women.  We can only mate with humans and deer, and we’ve been forbidden form mating with humans for so long.  We can’t wait to replenish our human bloodlines!  If you take down those signs, I will consider mating with you in my warder form, even if I find you ugly!  You do know that I am a nice weredeer, right?’  I just sprayed him with pepper spray and ran back into the house.”

Stacy says the police couldn’t find the alleged weredeer, but did ask her to take her signs “for her protection.”

“I said no!  Take away the weredeer who are harassing the opposition instead!  Don’t take away my freedom to tell the world that Roger needs to be fired!  He’s had decades to get rid of the weredeer, and instead he’s enlisting them to do his dirty work!”

The Weredeer Union of Bolingbrook released the following statement: “Not all weredeer are misogynists who vandalize campaign signs.  A few of us support Bolingbrook United and hope they will represent all residents, and not just campaign donors.”

Bolingbrook United and Bolingbrook First could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Mr. Harris, if I let you endorse me, what will you say?”

Mr. Harris: “Roger is a strong but compassionate man who has to deal with a growing Muslim population in his village.  In Israel, the security forces have bulldozed some Muslims’ homes.  It could be that Israel is mean.  It could also be that their homes are too dangerous to keep standing.  If we want to keep Bolingbrook safe, we have to consider destroying all Muslim homes and their mosque in Bolingbrook.  It’s horrific for Westerners to think about, but we have to think about it, but not necessarily do it.  Instead it may be more appropriate to conduct random enhanced interrogations of all Bolingbrook Muslim residents.  Maybe not?  All we can say for sure is that these questions will challenge any thought leader.  The Regressive Left has no leaders or thinkers. Roger is a leader and a thinker.  So I am proud to endorse him for mayor,  If I am correct about him.”

Roger: “Impressive.  Have you ever considered running for office?”

Global Disease Consortium endorses Trumpcare (Fiction)

The Global Disease Consortium unanimously endorsed Trumpcare during their annual gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Lead Barber Alex explained: “We are on the verge of eliminating the biggest obstacle to our plan to unleash endless global pandemics!  What Obama tried to prevent will soon become a reality!  Thanks, Donald!”

Alex confirmed that Trumpcare is an unstable version of Obamacare.  During his speech, he said that ending the individual and business mandates would result in fewer healthy people buying insurance.  Loss of tax deductions could result in businesses removing employees from their health plans.  Ending the Medicaid expansion in 2020 could result in more than 11 million people losing health care coverage.

“In short,” said Alex, “Fewer people will be able to afford preventative care and checkups.  This means more opportunities for our illnesses to fester and spread!  The sickening of America is at hand!”

Alex also believes that President Trump is about to launch a war against vaccines.  “Our rumors and false flags have created bipartisan support for worthless vaccine schedules and less effective vaccines!  Now that the Donald has the power of the Presidency, it is only a matter of time before he launches an inquisition against vaccine supporters. Our seeds of fear of autism have worked! To think that we almost lost Mumps, Chicken Pox, Polio, and Whooping Cough because of bleeding heart medical researchers!”

Vice Barber Sheila addressed concerns that the collapse of the insurance industry would result in fewer profits for the consortium’s members.  “First, all of our members should be invested in alternative medicine.  Americans alone spend over $33.9 billion right now on it.  That number will only go up once they lose access to their doctors. Second, governments always manage to find money in the middle of epidemics.  That money will make its way to us.  Third, the real payoff, however, will come down the road: Once we reduce the world’s population to 750 million, we’ll all profit!  Automation will take care of manual labor, and the people who used to fill those jobs will be dead.  Ayn Rand would be so proud of us!”

After a unanimous vote, anonymous blogger Orac hacked into the public address system.

“At last I have found the source of all quackademia! All of you should be ashamed for causing so much suffering over the centuries!  While all of you were yapping, I uncovered your real names, and I will expose them on my blog!  You will be embarrassed, if not destroyed! “

“Find him and kill him!”  commanded Alex.

Search parties scoured the club looking for Orac.  One party encountered Dr. David Gorski in the parking lot.

“You’re looking for Orac?”  Gorski pointed.  “He went that way.”

The party ran in that direction, while Gorski drove off in opposite direction.

None of the search parties found Orac.

Also in the Babbler:
ICE denied access to Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar offers interstellar Groupon to counter declining UFO traffic
CFI Chicago delisted after refusing to cancel Feline Lovers in Secularism 2 conference
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/17

Web Exclusive: Happy Birthday PZ Myers! We have links! (Mixed)

In honor of PZ Myer’s birthday, we’ve decided to link to past articles we’ve written about him.

PZ Myers tweets from Hell!
Web Exclusive: Employment firm plans to ‘outsource’ PZ Myers
PZ Myers convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope
Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope
Web Exclusive: Paranormal Affairs Division receives over 100 election complaints

Out of Character:  Over the years, PZ has challenged and changed my way of thinking about atheism and the atheist movement.  His posts and FtB have also introduced me to interesting people and communities.  So thank you, PZ, and have a very happy birthday.

Space aliens enjoy debate between Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar and Jackie Traynere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar, the incumbent, and Will County Board member Jackie Traynere engaged in a spirited debate at Clow UFO Base. Moderated by the Priory of Sion, Claar, who is aligned with the Illuminati, and Traynere, who is aligned with the New World Order, faced off in a town hall style debate.  It was their only scheduled debate before the April 4 election.

Before the debate began, Lesser Master Robert Gonzaga explained that while extraterrestrials will not be allowed to vote, the winner of the election will be the next administrator.  “One of these candidates represents the future of Clow UFO Base.  Will the New World Order reclaim this base, or will the Illuminati remain?”

Claar started by claiming to be an “independent Republican.”

“As my opponent won’t let you forget, I publicly supported Donald Trump while other Illinois Mayors were afraid to speak up.  She called it a betrayal of Bolingbrook.  I call it independence!  I remember many years ago, my advisors told not to spend taxpayer dollars to build a high-end golf club and an expensive housing development.  I didn’t listen them, and today we have the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and Americana Estates.  When the Illuminati said I should say, ‘Fnord’ at the end of my speeches, I said, ‘Ford’ because I know the ‘n’ is silent!”

Traynere stated that she too is an independent Democrat.  “When the Illinois Democratic Party wanted me to support Hillary Clinton, I decided to Support Bernie Sanders instead.  After the primary, the Bernie or Bust people tired to pressure me into joining them.  Instead I supported Hillary, and the Democratic Party, because I knew it was time to come together. Now, more than ever, Bolingbrook needs to come together.  To paraphrase a famous actor, Trump will not divide us!”

During the first question and answer session, many aliens asked about Clow’s new restrictions for gaining off-base visitor’s passes.  Others complained that the Illuminati’s new rules are making it almost impossible to exchange information with local human businesses.

Claar dismissed both of those concerns. “There are only two choices!  We can either have tightly controlled immigration to Clow, or we can have no forcefields and let every one in.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see Bolingbrook residents eaten because of bleeding heart liberal policies!”

Traynere disagreed. “There is a middle way that allows for economic growth while protecting our secrets.  That way is following the sensible polices of the New World Order that served Clow so well for decades.”

Claar, in a departure from his positive campaigning, attacked Traynere’s political affiliations.  “If she wins, the corrupt Cook County Democrat party will take over.  You talk about Bolingbrook’s debt.  How about the debt Chicago has?  A debt created by your party!”

Traynere shook her head.  “You should know better, Roger.  That would be like me taking credit for California’s success under the Democrats, and blaming you for Kansas’ disastrous policies under the Republicans.”

During the second question and answer session, Qua, an alien, said that Claar also serves as Bolingbrook’s Liquor and Tobacco commissioner.  She asked if both candidates would appoint someone else to run those offices.  Traynere said yes.  Claar said an unprintable phrase.

Another alien asked both candidates how they intended to deal with Bolingbrook’s public debt.  Traynere said she would look into transferring part of Bolingbrook’s covert funds into public accounts. Claar was more blunt.

“Let me tell you a secret!  The only time Republicans give a damn about the debt is when a Democrat is in charge.  Just look at the Reagan administration!”

After two hours, both candidates gave their closing remarks.

Claar started talking about “real culture appropriation” before closing his notes.  “I don’t need help from Steve Bannon.  Look, its simple.  I don’t care what the residents of Bolingbrook look like, just as long as they keep electing me mayor.  As long as any resident doesn’t inconvenience me or President Trump, they can stay in my village.  Oh, and if you’re one of those people who believes in a diverse Bolingbrook, you can attend my Diversity Rally/Fundraiser on March 9.  Tickets are only $5.  Ford!”

Traynere talked about respecting the diversity of the community, and her commitment to supporting economic growth in Bolingbrook.  “Before the split, the Illuminati’s greatest creation was the United States of America.  The founding fathers selected a motto for the new country.  ‘E pluribus unum.’  ‘From many, one’.  To me, that’s also a fitting description of Bolingbrook.  From many backgrounds and cultures, we gather together to become one village.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies meeting with Russian ambassador
Extraterrestrials caught stealing Jackie Traynere’s yard signs
Martian Colonies close down Clow consulate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/17.

Web Exclusive: Skepchick and Center for Inquiry evicted from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

IMG_2198

Clow International Airport, which serves as a cover for Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump evicted Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry from all Illuminati controlled UFO bases, including Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Both organizations have represented the skeptical movement to the greater interstellar community since 2013.

Melania made the announcement during a hastily put together video conference.  “UFO sightings have skyrocketed since we made this unholy pact with both groups!  Flying Saucer, Cigar and Sphere sightings are rising!  It is obvious that both factions of the skeptical movement are more interested in serving their New World Order masters than in covering up UFOs!”

She then gave both organizations four hours to evacuate their consulates.

Paula X. Kelly, acting Skepchick ambassador at Clow, was shocked.  “I thought Rebecca (Watson) was pulling a prank on us.  We’re not responsible for sightings.  We’re responsible for creating cover stories after the sightings.  So I sent Rebecca a text.  She replied with a video chat.  She told me it was real, then gave me the authorization codes to start Operation Bad Puppy.”

The staff then quickly, but orderly, started removing portable hard drives and shredding all documents.  They then drenched the entire interior of the consulate with cat urine.

“I always wondered why we kept gallons of cat urine on site,” said an anonymous staffer.

Once the building was evacuated, Kelly and Watson then detonated firebombs, incinerating anything left in the building.

“I hated to do that, but we couldn’t risk any sensitive information falling into the hands of the Illuminati and their Neo-Nazi allies.”

Joan Y. McNeil, CFI’s ambassador based at Clow, thought the announcement didn’t apply to CFI.  “Yeah we’re technically part of the New World Order.  We also have diplomatic immunity, and we’re with Richard Dawkins!  I thought we were too important to be evicted.”

Thirty minutes later, CFI president and CEO Robyn E. Blumner called and asked about the evacuation.

“She chewed me out when I laughed at her.  She said it was a real order, and Richard couldn’t stop them.  I didn’t think it was possible.  We agree on so many things with the Illuminati!  Why should we be kicked out over a one percent difference?”

The staff, now panicking, started smashing their computers, and setting bonfires to destroy their papers.

“We never planned for this.  This isn’t a third world country!  This is America.  This is where we bring secular activists whose lives are in danger.  Maybe we’ll need to be rescued next?”

During the initial chaos, McNeil reached around the movement’s “deep rifts” for help.

“The staff of the Orbit were so helpful!  They taught us how to wipe our hard drives so even aliens couldn’t access them.  I also learned a Freethought Blogs writer how to overload our fusion reactor without blowing up the Chicago area.”

The staff of both embassies have relocated to Hub 35 UFO Base, a New World Order affiliated base located in Rochelle, IL.

Many staff members wished for the conflict between the Illuminati and the New World Order to end.

“They don’t have to work together, but they could at least stop trying to destroy each other.  Humanity loses when they fight,” said an anonymous staffer.

Sources close to Mrs. Trump say she will announce the formation of a new Illuminati aligned skeptical organization by mid-April.

Manchester Mumbler: Ghosts continue to riot following Brian Cox’s statement (Fiction)

Brian Cox.

Photo of Brian Cox by Paul Clarke.

Note: The Bolingbrook Babbler sometimes shares stories from its many sister publications around the world.  The following article is from the Manchester Mumbler, located in Manchester, UK.  This article was translated into American English.

Great Britain’s ghosts continued their mass protests and riots days after physicist Brian Cox said the Large Hadron Collider “proved” they don’t exist.

“We’ve never experienced anything like this,” said psychic Paulette Z. Simpson.  “The ghosts are so insulted and so frustrated that all they can do is trash the British netherworld.  Brian has turned the restless dead into the violent dead!”

Cox, on his show the Infinite Monkey Cage, stated that the measurements and discoveries made using the Large Hadron Collider left no room for the existence of ghosts or for an afterlife.

I would say that if there’s some kind of substance that’s driving our bodies, making arms move and legs move, then it must interact with the particles out of which our bodies are made. Since we’ve made high precision measurements of the ways that particles interact, my assertion is there can be no such thing as an energy source that’s driving our bodies.

The violent reaction from ghosts was so great that its effects could be felt in our world.

“I set my cup down on the table and it just fell over,” said Linda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Some would say I was careless, but I’m not.  Fighting ghosts knocked it over.”

Paul offered more evidence: “My cat kept looking at the wall.  That’s not a big deal, but she kept turning her head!  I think she was watching ghost picketers!  I have all the proof I need!”

Peter Chauncey, the president of the British Association of Expert Mediums, denounced Cox’s statement as “reckless.”

“I have two words for Mr. Cox! Dark. Energy. Ghosts are dark energy.  Every time a being with a soul dies, it becomes dark energy and contributes to the expansion of the universe. It’s so obvious!  How could he miss this obvious conclusion?”

Chauncey urges all British residents to avoid all haunted places until the ghosts settle down.

“Only trained professionals should deal with ghosts at this point.  Fortunately, I can provide that training for a reasonable rate.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Page Three Sheep returns! Again!
Virgin Group offers to take over the government
Prime Minister May begs aliens for favorable trade agreement
Richard Dawkins to smite God on 2/3/17

Web Exclusive: NASA releases Trappist-1 findings after Interstellar Court rules against Space Pope (Fiction)

Trappist-1 Solar System

An artist conception of the Trappist-1 system released by NASA/JPL.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Circuit Court, based in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, denied the Universal Catholic Church (UCC) motion to suppress’s NASA’s findings about Trappist-1.

According to lawyers representing Space Pope,  Pope Lacoxo MMX, God commanded that only church officials are permitted to look at Trappist-1 and its seven planets.  NASA’s scheduled press conference, they argued, violated their religious freedom.  They demanded the cancellation of the conference and the death of all scientists involved in the research.

Lawyer Gloz explained: “The system Earth called Trappist is the only place in the galaxy where Christ appeared seven times at once!  This miracle is symbolic of the seven levels of Heaven and the seven truths of the universe.  It must only be looked at by those who are blessed.  If NASA releases their findings, it will lead to an increase in abortions, web traffic to Freethought Blogs, unmarried women, and cat ownership!  God will be forced to smite Earth unless this court forces NASA to stop!”

Though the US government prohibited any of its covert lawyers from defending NASA, lawyers from the Popehat Interstellar Collective defended NASA.  They called the UCC a “government-like” organization and said its religious liberty case was “similar to a communist government saying it has the freedom to be repressive.”

Popehat lawyer Poxlog attacked the UCC’s claim that the planets were a holy site.  “Our research revealed that Trappist-1 was really a resort solar system for the Church’s leaders.  While they preached the virtues of ‘ritual only sex’ and the evils of mountain climbing, they were having orgies in their mountain chateaus.  This restriction was set up to prevent their followers from finding out.  In fairness, their last reformation ended these abuses, but the restriction stands.  It no longer serves its original purpose.”

Popehat lawyer Kenbloth said the court could only impose the ban if there was a compelling secular reason to do so.  “There is a three part test, and the plaintiff’s request does not pass it.  NASA is not presenting evidence of advanced civilizations on Trappist-1.  Stating that Trappist-1 has seven planets is not stating that there are civilizations on these worlds.  Speculating about life on these planets is not the same as proving that there is intelligent life in those worlds.  You have to dismiss this case.”

The judge asked Gloz if there was a secular reason to impose the ban.  Gloz said there was.  “It is a fact that God exists.  It is a fact that Jesus is his son.  It is a fact that Pope Lacoxo  MMX is Jesus’ emissary.  Therefore the universe requires you to suppress this unholy press conference!”

After several moments of stunned silence in the courtroom, the judge dismissed the case with extreme prejudice.

When the judge left, Gloz called the Popehat Interstellar Lawyers “godless.”

“Thank you.”  Kenbloth replied.  “We’ve worked hard to build that reputation.”

At a conference with the interstellar media, Gloz said they would not charge NASA for their services.  “We will go anywhere in the Milky Way to answer a Popehat Signal!”, said Gloz.  The group of lawyers then urged the interstellar public to read the Earth blog that inspired them.

Aliens released from Milo Yiannopoulos speech (Fiction)

(CN: Hate speech by a fictional version of Milo Yiannopoulos.)

By Reporter X

Photo of Milo Yiannopoulos

Photo by @Kmeron.

Over a thousand aliens were released after Clow UFO Base officials “required” them to attend a Milo Yiannopoulos speech.

“There’s a galactic treaty that bans torture!”  said Ivos, a resident of Kornix Confederation.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) just violated it by forcing us to listen to a living random bigotry generator!  I’m filing a complaint with my ambassador!”

Yiannopoulos, a self-proclaimed Gamergate spokesperson and Breitbart editor, was invited by the Illuminati to speak at Clow as part of his “Universal Outrageous (explicative  deleted) UFO Base Tour.”  Promotional materials promised “an evening of politically incorrect lulzs by a man who will confuse your male appendages!”

While Milo’s speeches have attracted large audiences at college campuses, only six aliens had bought tickets the day before the event.  There were no tickets sold the day of the event.  It was at that point that Claar decided to make the event mandatory.

An anonymous source explained: “The contract states that any perceived walkout or boycott of a Milo event constitutes a violation of his free speech rights.  That could result in a loss of funding.  So we had to make sure the auditorium was full.  Otherwise he’d get mad, and we’d lose our Illuminati funding.”

After herding the aliens, Michael Z. Webber, president of the Freedom Humanists Association, delivered the warmup speech.

“I’m not here because we’re the only Illuminati approved humanist organization in the world.  I’m not here because I agree with him.  I disagree with almost everything he believes in.  But!  This is a big but!  When feminists make me feel bad with their privilege lectures, he makes me feel good!  That’s why I absolutely support his absolute freedom to speak.”

Milo then entered the auditorium on a gold plated floating throne, surrounded by bored gay men wearing Speedos.  When Milo landed on the stage, Webber kneeled and handed him a Humanist of the Year medallion. Milo laughed, grabbed the medallion, then motioned for Webber to leave.

Sitting on his throne, Milo announced the title of his talk, “Mars Needs Humans.”  Though the Martian Colonists are universally accepted to be technologically ahead of the human race by 10,000 years, Milo argued that humans are really the more advanced species.

“Political correctness has corrupted the galaxy!  Thanks to the space feminists, you have been fooled into believing that martians are smart.  They’re not smart.  I’m going to say it!  They’re stupid!  Martians are stupid!  Isn’t amazing that I’m saying that!  But I am!  You know I’m correct!”

An alien interrupted.  “Excuse me!  I think you mean the Martian Colonists!  Native Martians never evolved beyond bacteria. The—”

“You interrupted me!  You dared to violate my right to speak freely?  Get him out of here!”

After the alien was removed, Milo’s servants walked among the audience to collect questions.  Instead of reading the questions to Milo, the men shredded them.

“Stop attacking Milo with fake facts!”  One of them yelled.  “You’re violating his free speech with these questions.”

Milo then said he would offer a preview of target of his next campaign: Intersex babies.

“I just want to protect women and children from having to see these (derogatory description deleted)!  So I’m showing you guys these pictures.  Maybe you can abduct their parents, and brainwash them to fix their kids!”

Before Milo could show the images, an alien ripped out her chair and threw it at the screen.  She screamed that he was a bully and picking on babies was a new low, even for him.  Security arrested her.

“Anyone else want to infringe on my free speech?”

Another alien screamed, “Drum circle!”  A drum kit appeared in front him, and he started performing a drum solo.  Other aliens started pounding on the chairs.  After several seconds, an Illuminati operative fired a taser at the alien playing the drum kit.  The alien started to slow down his playing, and swayed as if he was trying to stay awake.  Moments later, the alien pulled out the taser cords, and he started to play faster.  Many in the crowd cheered.  Finally, security broke through the crowd and arrested him.

“Intersex babies matter! Rock hard against bigots!”

Milo shook his head.  “Is anyone else here stupid enough to protest me?”

Almost all of the aliens raised an appendage.

Milo screamed, then pointed towards the doors.  “You’re protesting my right to free speech.  You’re refusing to tolerate my intolerance!  Well, you failed!  I’m still here!  Now get out!  Get out now.  But before you leave, just know that I’m unstoppable!  I got a trans woman to quit college, and I got a book deal!  I threatened to out undocumented students, and I got invited to Bill Maher’s show.  Every time you protest me, I am rewarded by serious men!”  He used his fingers to make a triangle.  “Fnord!”

Ivos was one of the aliens who raised his appendages.  “It was the only way we could escape.  Most of us couldn’t take any more of his gish gallop.”

Claar couldn’t be reached for comment.

Webmaster’s Note: After this article went to press, Milo lost his book deal and keynote speech at CPAC due to unearthed comments he made about Pedophilia. 

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets give Chicago a break from winter
Werecats canvas for Jackie Traynere
Crimes committed by ghosts on the rise in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/24/17

Misc: Way to go Siobhan (Mixed)

Siobhan, a fellow FtB blogger at Against the Grain, just had an article featured at  The Establishment.

When the results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS) were released, I naively hoped these statistics would offer a chance for those who didn’t know them to get a big-picture view of some of our crises, amd that the NTDS would enter the conversation on public policy.

After all, legislators are passing policy for everyone, so they’d want the full picture, right?

Apparently not. The necessity of a human rights bill like C-16 ought to be self-evident given the outcomes of the trans community, simply because of the appalling frequency and degree of discrimination that trans Canadians continue to face — but you do need to be aware of that fact first for it to be obvious. The law has been passed in Parliament but awaits further voting in the Senate, and during these debates, the data is seldom, if ever, mentioned.

Check it out!

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler