By Reporter X
The 109,298,291 Circuit Court, based in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, denied the Universal Catholic Church (UCC) motion to suppress’s NASA’s findings about Trappist-1.
According to lawyers representing Space Pope, Pope Lacoxo MMX, God commanded that only church officials are permitted to look at Trappist-1 and its seven planets. NASA’s scheduled press conference, they argued, violated their religious freedom. They demanded the cancellation of the conference and the death of all scientists involved in the research.
Lawyer Gloz explained: “The system Earth called Trappist is the only place in the galaxy where Christ appeared seven times at once! This miracle is symbolic of the seven levels of Heaven and the seven truths of the universe. It must only be looked at by those who are blessed. If NASA releases their findings, it will lead to an increase in abortions, web traffic to Freethought Blogs, unmarried women, and cat ownership! God will be forced to smite Earth unless this court forces NASA to stop!”
Though the US government prohibited any of its covert lawyers from defending NASA, lawyers from the Popehat Interstellar Collective defended NASA. They called the UCC a “government-like” organization and said its religious liberty case was “similar to a communist government saying it has the freedom to be repressive.”
Popehat lawyer Poxlog attacked the UCC’s claim that the planets were a holy site. “Our research revealed that Trappist-1 was really a resort solar system for the Church’s leaders. While they preached the virtues of ‘ritual only sex’ and the evils of mountain climbing, they were having orgies in their mountain chateaus. This restriction was set up to prevent their followers from finding out. In fairness, their last reformation ended these abuses, but the restriction stands. It no longer serves its original purpose.”
Popehat lawyer Kenbloth said the court could only impose the ban if there was a compelling secular reason to do so. “There is a three part test, and the plaintiff’s request does not pass it. NASA is not presenting evidence of advanced civilizations on Trappist-1. Stating that Trappist-1 has seven planets is not stating that there are civilizations on these worlds. Speculating about life on these planets is not the same as proving that there is intelligent life in those worlds. You have to dismiss this case.”
The judge asked Gloz if there was a secular reason to impose the ban. Gloz said there was. “It is a fact that God exists. It is a fact that Jesus is his son. It is a fact that Pope Lacoxo MMX is Jesus’ emissary. Therefore the universe requires you to suppress this unholy press conference!”
After several moments of stunned silence in the courtroom, the judge dismissed the case with extreme prejudice.
When the judge left, Gloz called the Popehat Interstellar Lawyers “godless.”
“Thank you.” Kenbloth replied. “We’ve worked hard to build that reputation.”
At a conference with the interstellar media, Gloz said they would not charge NASA for their services. “We will go anywhere in the Milky Way to answer a Popehat Signal!”, said Gloz. The group of lawyers then urged the interstellar public to read the Earth blog that inspired them.