Web Exclusive: NASA releases Trappist-1 findings after Interstellar Court rules against Space Pope (Fiction)

Trappist-1 Solar System

An artist conception of the Trappist-1 system released by NASA/JPL.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Circuit Court, based in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, denied the Universal Catholic Church (UCC) motion to suppress’s NASA’s findings about Trappist-1.

According to lawyers representing Space Pope,  Pope Lacoxo MMX, God commanded that only church officials are permitted to look at Trappist-1 and its seven planets.  NASA’s scheduled press conference, they argued, violated their religious freedom.  They demanded the cancellation of the conference and the death of all scientists involved in the research.

Lawyer Gloz explained: “The system Earth called Trappist is the only place in the galaxy where Christ appeared seven times at once!  This miracle is symbolic of the seven levels of Heaven and the seven truths of the universe.  It must only be looked at by those who are blessed.  If NASA releases their findings, it will lead to an increase in abortions, web traffic to Freethought Blogs, unmarried women, and cat ownership!  God will be forced to smite Earth unless this court forces NASA to stop!”

Though the US government prohibited any of its covert lawyers from defending NASA, lawyers from the Popehat Interstellar Collective defended NASA.  They called the UCC a “government-like” organization and said its religious liberty case was “similar to a communist government saying it has the freedom to be repressive.”

Popehat lawyer Poxlog attacked the UCC’s claim that the planets were a holy site.  “Our research revealed that Trappist-1 was really a resort solar system for the Church’s leaders.  While they preached the virtues of ‘ritual only sex’ and the evils of mountain climbing, they were having orgies in their mountain chateaus.  This restriction was set up to prevent their followers from finding out.  In fairness, their last reformation ended these abuses, but the restriction stands.  It no longer serves its original purpose.”

Popehat lawyer Kenbloth said the court could only impose the ban if there was a compelling secular reason to do so.  “There is a three part test, and the plaintiff’s request does not pass it.  NASA is not presenting evidence of advanced civilizations on Trappist-1.  Stating that Trappist-1 has seven planets is not stating that there are civilizations on these worlds.  Speculating about life on these planets is not the same as proving that there is intelligent life in those worlds.  You have to dismiss this case.”

The judge asked Gloz if there was a secular reason to impose the ban.  Gloz said there was.  “It is a fact that God exists.  It is a fact that Jesus is his son.  It is a fact that Pope Lacoxo  MMX is Jesus’ emissary.  Therefore the universe requires you to suppress this unholy press conference!”

After several moments of stunned silence in the courtroom, the judge dismissed the case with extreme prejudice.

When the judge left, Gloz called the Popehat Interstellar Lawyers “godless.”

“Thank you.”  Kenbloth replied.  “We’ve worked hard to build that reputation.”

At a conference with the interstellar media, Gloz said they would not charge NASA for their services.  “We will go anywhere in the Milky Way to answer a Popehat Signal!”, said Gloz.  The group of lawyers then urged the interstellar public to read the Earth blog that inspired them.

Aliens released from Milo Yiannopoulos speech (Fiction)

(CN: Hate speech by a fictional version of Milo Yiannopoulos.)

By Reporter X

Photo of Milo Yiannopoulos

Photo by @Kmeron.

Over a thousand aliens were released after Clow UFO Base officials “required” them to attend a Milo Yiannopoulos speech.

“There’s a galactic treaty that bans torture!”  said Ivos, a resident of Kornix Confederation.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) just violated it by forcing us to listen to a living random bigotry generator!  I’m filing a complaint with my ambassador!”

Yiannopoulos, a self-proclaimed Gamergate spokesperson and Breitbart editor, was invited by the Illuminati to speak at Clow as part of his “Universal Outrageous (explicative  deleted) UFO Base Tour.”  Promotional materials promised “an evening of politically incorrect lulzs by a man who will confuse your male appendages!”

While Milo’s speeches have attracted large audiences at college campuses, only six aliens had bought tickets the day before the event.  There were no tickets sold the day of the event.  It was at that point that Claar decided to make the event mandatory.

An anonymous source explained: “The contract states that any perceived walkout or boycott of a Milo event constitutes a violation of his free speech rights.  That could result in a loss of funding.  So we had to make sure the auditorium was full.  Otherwise he’d get mad, and we’d lose our Illuminati funding.”

After herding the aliens, Michael Z. Webber, president of the Freedom Humanists Association, delivered the warmup speech.

“I’m not here because we’re the only Illuminati approved humanist organization in the world.  I’m not here because I agree with him.  I disagree with almost everything he believes in.  But!  This is a big but!  When feminists make me feel bad with their privilege lectures, he makes me feel good!  That’s why I absolutely support his absolute freedom to speak.”

Milo then entered the auditorium on a gold plated floating throne, surrounded by bored gay men wearing Speedos.  When Milo landed on the stage, Webber kneeled and handed him a Humanist of the Year medallion. Milo laughed, grabbed the medallion, then motioned for Webber to leave.

Sitting on his throne, Milo announced the title of his talk, “Mars Needs Humans.”  Though the Martian Colonists are universally accepted to be technologically ahead of the human race by 10,000 years, Milo argued that humans are really the more advanced species.

“Political correctness has corrupted the galaxy!  Thanks to the space feminists, you have been fooled into believing that martians are smart.  They’re not smart.  I’m going to say it!  They’re stupid!  Martians are stupid!  Isn’t amazing that I’m saying that!  But I am!  You know I’m correct!”

An alien interrupted.  “Excuse me!  I think you mean the Martian Colonists!  Native Martians never evolved beyond bacteria. The—”

“You interrupted me!  You dared to violate my right to speak freely?  Get him out of here!”

After the alien was removed, Milo’s servants walked among the audience to collect questions.  Instead of reading the questions to Milo, the men shredded them.

“Stop attacking Milo with fake facts!”  One of them yelled.  “You’re violating his free speech with these questions.”

Milo then said he would offer a preview of target of his next campaign: Intersex babies.

“I just want to protect women and children from having to see these (derogatory description deleted)!  So I’m showing you guys these pictures.  Maybe you can abduct their parents, and brainwash them to fix their kids!”

Before Milo could show the images, an alien ripped out her chair and threw it at the screen.  She screamed that he was a bully and picking on babies was a new low, even for him.  Security arrested her.

“Anyone else want to infringe on my free speech?”

Another alien screamed, “Drum circle!”  A drum kit appeared in front him, and he started performing a drum solo.  Other aliens started pounding on the chairs.  After several seconds, an Illuminati operative fired a taser at the alien playing the drum kit.  The alien started to slow down his playing, and swayed as if he was trying to stay awake.  Moments later, the alien pulled out the taser cords, and he started to play faster.  Many in the crowd cheered.  Finally, security broke through the crowd and arrested him.

“Intersex babies matter! Rock hard against bigots!”

Milo shook his head.  “Is anyone else here stupid enough to protest me?”

Almost all of the aliens raised an appendage.

Milo screamed, then pointed towards the doors.  “You’re protesting my right to free speech.  You’re refusing to tolerate my intolerance!  Well, you failed!  I’m still here!  Now get out!  Get out now.  But before you leave, just know that I’m unstoppable!  I got a trans woman to quit college, and I got a book deal!  I threatened to out undocumented students, and I got invited to Bill Maher’s show.  Every time you protest me, I am rewarded by serious men!”  He used his fingers to make a triangle.  “Fnord!”

Ivos was one of the aliens who raised his appendages.  “It was the only way we could escape.  Most of us couldn’t take any more of his gish gallop.”

Claar couldn’t be reached for comment.

Webmaster’s Note: After this article went to press, Milo lost his book deal and keynote speech at CPAC due to unearthed comments he made about Pedophilia. 

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets give Chicago a break from winter
Werecats canvas for Jackie Traynere
Crimes committed by ghosts on the rise in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/24/17

Misc: Way to go Siobhan (Mixed)

Siobhan, a fellow FtB blogger at Against the Grain, just had an article featured at  The Establishment.

When the results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS) were released, I naively hoped these statistics would offer a chance for those who didn’t know them to get a big-picture view of some of our crises, amd that the NTDS would enter the conversation on public policy.

After all, legislators are passing policy for everyone, so they’d want the full picture, right?

Apparently not. The necessity of a human rights bill like C-16 ought to be self-evident given the outcomes of the trans community, simply because of the appalling frequency and degree of discrimination that trans Canadians continue to face — but you do need to be aware of that fact first for it to be obvious. The law has been passed in Parliament but awaits further voting in the Senate, and during these debates, the data is seldom, if ever, mentioned.

Check it out!

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook resident starts “Iowa City Exit Movement” (Fiction)

John Z. Brockmeyer, a former University of Iowa student, is starting an Iowa City secession from his Bolingbrook home.

“I’m calling it “ICexit” said Brockmeyer.  “I’m modeling it after Calexit, and it will rock the world, just like Brexit did!”

Brockmeyer hopes to put the issue on the 2018 Iowa City ballot.  If successful, Iowa City officials would have to negotiate peaceful secession from the United States and Iowa.

A lifelong conservative, Brockmeyer say he wants to make liberals happy.  “No one should be forced to live under President Trump.  Some people just can’t handle greatness. So instead of waiting to emigrate to Canada, now all the Iowa liberals can be concentrated in a small safe space.  We’ll be able to do whatever we want.”

Though he hasn’t lived in Iowa City since 1996, he feels he still understands Iowa City.  “They’re people who smoke weed, (homophobic comment deleted), and think the democratic party is too conservative.  I’m sure it hasn’t changed.  Hell, I’ll bet the fountain is still standing in Pedestrian Mall, and normal people like me can still get a copy of the Campus Review.  I’ll also bet liberals still pickup copies of The Icon.”

So far, Brockmeyer only started designing a web page for his “movement” and has one volunteer in Iowa City.  The volunteer is not a student and Brockmeyer has never met him in person.  Still, he is optimistic.  “I have a lot of money, and a lot of free time.  That’s all you need for a successful exit movement.”

He sees ICexit as part of greater movement.  “I want to help Trump make American great again.  Right now the United Left is making that difficult.  If we can just hold on long enough, they’ll get frustrated and want to leave.  Then they’ll join the various secessions, like Calexit.  Once they leave, Congress will lose liberal votes, and then real Americans will make the laws, unopposed!”

Kay, a teaching assistant at UI, says there’s a very obvious flaw with ICexit.  “Iowa City is great because of the University of Iowa!  If Iowa City becomes its own country, we’ll lose the university and our state funding.  Yeah it sucks that some in the state government wants to limit home rule, but leaving the US is not the answer!”

Jill, a UI freshman from Schaumburg, agreed.  “I can barely afford to go here right now.  If I have to pay international student tuition, I’ll be screwed.  I’d go to an Illinois college, but state funding of universities is a mess, and the required test scores for University of Illinois are too high.”

While some have accused Russia of being behind the secession movements in the US, Brockmeyer will not confirm or deny their involvement.

“Let’s just say I now have the best vodka collection in Bolingbrook.”

Red Deer Reporter: PM Justin Trudeau survives Trump handshake by using an exoskeleton (Fiction)

Note:  The Bolingbrook Babbler shares content from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Red Deer Reporter, based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Anonymous Sources say Prime Minister Justin Trudeau used an exoskeleton to resist President Donald Trump’s grab and pull handshake.

“His cabinet was worried when we saw what Trump did to the Japanese Prime Minister,”  said one source.  “We suspect that Trump used some kind of enhancement.”  He then made a cough that sounded like he was saying: “steroids and speed.”  He continued: “We figured that if Trump wants to use an enhanced handshake, so can the Prime Minister.”

The sources agree that Trudeau used a top secret military exoskeleton during his visit to the White House. The suit, according to the sources, is currently used by warehouse workers in Canada’s restricted bases.  Said a source named Bob: “If this powered suit can lift 100 Kg, it can resit Donald Trump’s aggressive handshake.”

Staff members were allegedly impressed with the exoskeleton’s performance during the visit.  They also praised how Trudeau managed the suit’s battery.  “If you paid attention during the second handshake, Trudeau’s apparent hesitation was actually him turning on the suit.  He didn’t waste his power like a certain world leader is doing.”

An anonymous source at the White House denied that that Trump uses an enhanced handshake.  “You are not reporting the true story!  You need to get back to Canada and tell your readers the truth! The truth is the Canadian government is overrun with Reptillians and everyone who voted for your leader is probably an alien.  Stop attacking our President and start asking how our great President can save Canada!”

A spokesperson for Trudeau denied that he used an enhanced handshake.  “Justin is the strongest and fittest world leader alive!  He knows how to box!  President Obama could have put up a fight, but Trump!  Ha!  He’d kick his ass just as badly as we kicked your asses in the War of 1812!”

A man who sounded like Trudeau then took the phone.  “My apologies for his unusual rashness.  I just want to assure my fellow citizens that not only will we welcome refugees, we will also welcome expat Canadians back as well.  Even if you think you were a lousy Canuck.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:
First US refugees arrive in Red Deer
Local Burger King to test burger with Tim Horton’s doughnut bun
Mayor urge all werecats to stay indoors this winter
God to spare Red Deer on 14/2/17

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base locked down after invisible alien protest (Fiction)

End the Roger Claar Dictatorship

Photo of an alien protest sign?

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar ordered a lockdown of Clow UFO Base after invisible aliens picketed in front of his re-election campaign office.

Claar made the announcement over the intercom: “All off-base passes are revoked for visitors.  All abductions are suspended.  No one gets a lawyer.  You are guilty until I say you are innocent! This is not a democracy!  This is my UFO base, and you do not protest me.  Ever!  You must follow my dictates for I am the mayor of Bolingbrook and a very important member of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

The protest started when Claar announced that all human disguises must be bought from the Melania Trump store, and be decorated with Ivanka Trump clothing.  Some aliens tried to attend a protest organized by Vote Roger Out in 2017, but they did not see any human protesters.

Okblogok decided to take matters into its’ own appendages.  “If you want a protest done right, you have to organize it yourself.”  “It” discovered that Clow had no rule against invisible nude aliens leaving the base, as long as they had a pass.  Okblogok claims to have gathered 100 aliens at one of the exits.  “It” then lead a two hour march to the campaign headquarters of Claar’s political party, Bolingbrook First.  Along the way, the aliens sang protest songs, and said chants, like “Breathe Fresh Air!  Don’t vote Claar!”

“I used to laugh at human protesters whenever they made noises.” said Okblogok.  “Now I understand why.  It gives the participants something to do, and makes them feel like part of a larger group.”

Though no humans claim to have seen the march, Ron, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have felt them.

“I was walking down the sidewalk when I bumped into something.  After I paused, something else bumped into me.  That kept happening.  So I sat down on the grass since I thought I was having an acid flashback.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up from a nap, and the Bolingbrook Police were about to arrest me.”

Once the aliens arrived, they used an ultrahigh frequency bullhorn to call out expenditures from Claar’s campaign fund.  Most humans could not hear the aliens, but Okblogok was certain Claar and his covert employees could hear them.

“$159.88 for lunch in California?”  one protestor asked.  “You do realize that California residents can’t vote for you, right?”

Another chimed in:  “You have over $500,000 in your campaign fund.  Why aren’t you paying all of your campaign staffers?  I’ll bet Bolingbrook United has more paid staff members than you!”

Bob Langley, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base, said that the ban will be lifted, “Once we know exactly what’s going on.”  He added, “This protest was unhygienic, and if any of the invisibility cloaks had failed…. Well, it could have lead to a very embarrassing situation.”

When this reporter tried to call Claar, his receptionist said he was taking a very important phone call, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Democrats in Cook County are hosting a fundraiser for my opponent.  Can you persuade Donald Trump to help me out? Yes, Bolingbrook does have an Islamic cultural center.  We even celebrate Pakistan Day.  Um, Are you OK, Steve?  It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone do a diabolical laugh in real life.”

Melania Trump raids Clow UFO Base during Super Bowl LI (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Melania Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO Bases in the US, and an army of Illuminati agents raided Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base following the first half of Super Bowl LI

“There is no way the Falcons are leading.” Melania yelled as she crashed the Clow base.   “Someone here is cheating and I’m not leaving until I get answers!”

Zoicox, a resident of Barnard’s Star, claims she was interrogated during halftime.  “My crew wasn’t anywhere near the Super Bowl.  We didn’t pass the audition to be one of Lady Gaga’s drones, so we decided to watch the game here.  That was a mistake.”

Mrs. Trump, who is in charge of all Illuminati controlled UFO bases in the US, marched through the bars and lounges of Clow.  She accused any crews flying near Texas as being part of an “illegal protest.”

“Donald wants to be happy, and I want him to be happy.  This protest is not making him happy!  When he’s not happy, I’m not happy.  You don’t want see me unhappy, do you?”

Mrs. Trump claimed that there were 300 aliens directly involved in the protest, and that everyone at Clow knew who they were.

She was heard to have said: “Would they go to Area 51 for you?”  “All of you are going to Area 51 unless all of you cooperate!”

JoGlo, a resident of Alpha Centauri D, said he was arrested by the Illuminati for wearing Falcons’ sports apparel.  “I liked the shirts, and I thought it would nice for Matt Ryan to finally win a Super Bowl.  Instead, I was put in restraints, and told I was being sent to Area 51.  I didn’t do anything wrong, or at least anything that warranted a live vivisection!”

Just as Lady Gaga’s halftime performance started, Mrs. Trump released the suspects.  Some eyewitnesses said that she was told that Lady Gaga was gong to perform a satanic ritual to ensure a Patriots victory.  Others say that she was told that Pro-Trump aliens were going use their technology to “undo the cheating” allegedly done by other aliens.

Melania was heard saying, “I have to get back to Donald.  My android double must be malfunctioning by now.”

After she left, many aliens stayed to watch the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.  Still, not all aliens were happy.

“I came here to have fun, and I almost died!”  said Zoicox.  “This territory is taking its anti-safe space policies too far!”

Mayor Roger Claar could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook atheist converts to Christianity after Patriots victory
CFI Chicago to host Feline Lovers in Secularism 2
Aliens to join protest against Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/9/17

Web Exclusive: ‘Punch a Nazi’ clubs latest Chicagoland trend (Fiction)

(Content Notice: Bigotry)

Bob casually walked on the sidewalks of the Promenade Bolingbrook.  “Fourteen,” he said to every white young man that walks by.  Most ignored him, or replied by saying, “Fifteen,” or “Eighteen,” or “Twenty-one.”

A young man with a high and tight haircut ran up to Bob.  “I know,” he whispers.  He clears his throat.  “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”  He smiles.

Bob threw a right hook into the man’s jaw.  As he fell to the ground, Bob ran towards his motorcycle.  By the time the man stood up, Bob had speed away down Boughton Road.

Bob is member of the Bolingbrook Punch a Nazi club, one of what he claims to be a growing number of similar clubs in the Chicagoland area.  He and others claim to have been inspired by videos of a masked man punching white supremacist Richard Spencer.

“Why punch them?  Because they’re Nazis!  We fought a war against them!  We charged them with war crimes.  We watch movie heroes fight them.  We play videos games where we try to kill them.  Now you want me to be nice to them because President (Steve Bannon) is in charge?  (Expletive Deleted) you!  They can call themselves Alt-Right or Racial Realists all they want.  They’re Nazis and they started the Holocaust!  That’s all the justification I need!”

Officially, Chicagoland police departments have no record of these clubs, or of any organized attacks against white supremacists.  Unofficially, police sources claim that there are now over 100 such clubs and over 300 white supremacists/nazis have been assaulted.

“They’re spreading like a real life meme,” said one anonymous official.  “It hasn’t been this bad since the Harlem Shake epidemic.  It’s open season on Neo-Nazis.  Why can’t they just write blog posts instead of breaking the law?”

In addition to Nazis, not everyone supports the growth in the number of Punch a Nazi clubs in Chicagoland.

Paul X. Klein, a spokesperson for the <insert name> group, says punching Nazis doesn’t work.  “Cracked has a great article about this.  They’re the greatest skeptical publication out there.  Anyway, I’ll paraphrase.  Richard Spencer and his friends want you to hit them.  It does three things.  It creates the public perception that they’re victims and makes the other side look like criminals.  It also strengthens the resolve of other neo-Nazis.  They see themselves as the defenders of Western Civilization against a violent horde.  Attacking them confirms their biases, and you don’t want that.  Finally, do you really want a criminal record? Assault is illegal.”

“Besides,” added Natalie, who refused to give her last name, “Nazis and Communists fought each other during the Weimar Republic era. You remember how that turned out.  Instead, we think the best way to fight them is to have a rational conversation with them.”

In the front of the meeting room, skeptic Earl and Stormfront forum member Hektor, began to debate. Members of Bolingbrook skeptics watched.

Earl, wearing a pirate outfit and a pasta colander on his head, concluded his opening statement.  “There is no such thing as biological human races.  We are all members of one human species that is connected to all animal species, and we are made of star-stuff, as Carl Sagan used to say.  There are more important things to hate, like homeopathy.”

Hektor started his speech.  “Many years ago, I wouldn’t have been allowed here.  Today, you guys have proven that my ideas are worthy of debate.  If you look past the cultural Marxism that dominates science literature, and only look at the real science, you’ll see that races are real.  If the white race is to survive, we need to filter out the all the defective genes.”  Hektor walked up to Earl, followed by a man holding a video camera.  “Especially the genes that James Randi carries!”  Hektor then pointed at his chin.

Earl turned red.  He then closed his eyes and repeatedly said, “I am awesomely rational.  I am rationally awesome.”

A member of the Skokie Punch a Nazi club, who asked to be called Elton, disagrees with the Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Education can work, like the Illinois Holocaust Museum, but we have to do more.  Nathan Hevenstone has it right:  People in this country who call for any kind of ethnic cleansing shouldn’t feel safe.  They think Trump will protect them, but they’re wrong.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my activism. Go read Stephanie’s post.”

Elton walked around Old Orchard Mall, occasionally yelling, “Down with the Z.O.G!”

After several moments, a man runs up to Elton and points to his Pepe pin.

“I hate the Zionist Occupational Government of Skokie so—”

Elton hit him in the mouth with an elbow, then ran away.  The man fell to the ground and spit out some of his teeth.  “My perfect aryan teeth!” he cried.

A police officer walked up to him.  “Arrest that man.  He attacked a pure white American.  He attacked me because I disagree with the existence of Jews!”

The officer pulled out a notepad.  “I will, but after I write you a ticket for littering.”

Natalie feels that while violence against bigotry is necessary sometimes, it should only be used as a last resort.  “As long as we can protest, organize community groups, post on social media, and vote, we owe it to ourselves to try those options first.  Like my martial arts teacher used to say, the best brawl is no brawl.  Because once you turn to violence, so many things can go wrong.”

Sources: American Atheists to relaunch Atheist TV as Atheist TV+ (Fiction)

Atheist TV +

Is this the new logo for Atheist TV?

Atheist TV will be relaunched, state sources with relatives of acquaintances connected to the staff.

One source, who asked to be called Steve, explained.  “We kind of dropped the ball the first time we launched Atheist TV.  We were mostly showing old videos.  You can’t build a network around that.  Even TV Land has original programs.  We hit a low point when a Vice reporter made fun of our launch party.”

Another source, who asked to be called Mandy, explained what the new approach to Atheist TV will be: “We need to be more like Netflix.  That means more original programing.  Original stuff will draw new viewers who will then check out the old videos. That will be a plus for all atheists.”

The sources agreed that Atheist TV, which will be rebranded as Atheist TV+, will initially be anchored by five programs. Three of these will be brand new.  The two established programs will be Atheist Talk and The Atheist Experience.  Atheist Talk will be a live simulcast of the radio program.  The Atheist Experience will be a special live Sunday stream.  The Atheist Experience will also maintain its current schedule, according to the sources.

The three new shows, which will be funded by an anonymous donor, will be a talk show, a drama, and a reality TV series.

[Read more…]

Web exclusive: SGU released from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists were released from Clow UFO Base after being detained for nearly a day by Illuminati agents.

“We’re all fine,” said Dr. Steven Novella.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were tortured.  We did have to listen to Lee Greenwood songs in our cells, but I think others have suffered worse.”

The panelists were on their way to the Martian Colonies to attend a conference and to do an interstellar broadcast.  Halfway to Mars, the ship was ordered to return to Earth.

“The captain said colonial government had just banned humans from visiting Mars.”  Said Jay Novella.  “When she explained that the Martian Colonies banned humans because they believe all us are carrying infectious Fascist memes, I freaked out.  That’s not how memes work!  It made me so mad that I looked out the window at Mars and said (expletive deleted) you!  Now, looking back, I shouldn’t have insulted a civilization that’s 10,000 years ahead of Earth’s.  Still!  Infectious memes?”

“Yeah,” added Bob Novella.  “They were going to take us on a tour of all the areas where the Internet claimed to have seen skulls and rats.  That tour could have helped us do a better job of debunking those claims.  So their prejudice  is hurting more than us.  It’s hurting Earth’s science education.”

For reasons not clear to the SGU panelists, the craft was diverted to Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, instead of Fairfield A31 in Connecticut.  Upon arrival, several men in blue boarded the craft.

“I thought it was for our own protection,”  said Evan Bernstein.  “When they said we were under arrest, I yelled, ‘I’m not like the others!  Really!’  It wasn’t my best moment.  Anyway, one of them said we were under arrest for being affiliated with the New World Order.  So in that sense, I was like my other panelists.”

The panelists were taken to individual cells, and later were interrogated by Illuminati agents.

“They kept telling me how evil science is,” said Cara Santa Maria.  “Apparently, Donald Trump signed an executive order saying no member of the New World Order could fly into an Illuminati controlled UFO Base.  My interrogator said the only way I’d be allowed to leave is if I switched allegiance to the Illuminati.  I laughed and said that I was sure that the Center for Inquiry’s Interstellar Affairs team was working to get us released.  He laughed for some reason.  Then I told him that The Young Turks Interstellar was about to go live this weekend.  He would have to deal with a Cenk Uygur rant!  That made him think.”

At the end of the day, the SGU panelists were released following a diplomatic protest filed by the Skepchick consulate.

Paula Z Hegel, Skepchick’s ambassador to Clow, released a statement following the SGU’s release.  “As members of the New World Order and the Skeptical Movement, the SGU panelists were fortunate to be well represented in this ugly situation.  But this weekend we’ve seen that many people are not so fortunate.  Permanent aliens are being detained at airports or prevented from returning to their homes because they are muslims from certain countries.  While the executive order mentions 9/11 three times, none of the countries affected were involved in the 9/11 attacks.  This ban only exists because Donald Trump is afraid of Muslims!  His supporters are afraid.  We are not afraid.”

Steven stressed that this incident will not affect the content of the SGU.  “The SGU will not become a political show because of this.  We will stick to the science.”