Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook resident starts “Iowa City Exit Movement” (Fiction)


John Z. Brockmeyer, a former University of Iowa student, is starting an Iowa City secession from his Bolingbrook home.

“I’m calling it “ICexit” said Brockmeyer.  “I’m modeling it after Calexit, and it will rock the world, just like Brexit did!”

Brockmeyer hopes to put the issue on the 2018 Iowa City ballot.  If successful, Iowa City officials would have to negotiate peaceful secession from the United States and Iowa.

A lifelong conservative, Brockmeyer say he wants to make liberals happy.  “No one should be forced to live under President Trump.  Some people just can’t handle greatness. So instead of waiting to emigrate to Canada, now all the Iowa liberals can be concentrated in a small safe space.  We’ll be able to do whatever we want.”

Though he hasn’t lived in Iowa City since 1996, he feels he still understands Iowa City.  “They’re people who smoke weed, (homophobic comment deleted), and think the democratic party is too conservative.  I’m sure it hasn’t changed.  Hell, I’ll bet the fountain is still standing in Pedestrian Mall, and normal people like me can still get a copy of the Campus Review.  I’ll also bet liberals still pickup copies of The Icon.”

So far, Brockmeyer only started designing a web page for his “movement” and has one volunteer in Iowa City.  The volunteer is not a student and Brockmeyer has never met him in person.  Still, he is optimistic.  “I have a lot of money, and a lot of free time.  That’s all you need for a successful exit movement.”

He sees ICexit as part of greater movement.  “I want to help Trump make American great again.  Right now the United Left is making that difficult.  If we can just hold on long enough, they’ll get frustrated and want to leave.  Then they’ll join the various secessions, like Calexit.  Once they leave, Congress will lose liberal votes, and then real Americans will make the laws, unopposed!”

Kay, a teaching assistant at UI, says there’s a very obvious flaw with ICexit.  “Iowa City is great because of the University of Iowa!  If Iowa City becomes its own country, we’ll lose the university and our state funding.  Yeah it sucks that some in the state government wants to limit home rule, but leaving the US is not the answer!”

Jill, a UI freshman from Schaumburg, agreed.  “I can barely afford to go here right now.  If I have to pay international student tuition, I’ll be screwed.  I’d go to an Illinois college, but state funding of universities is a mess, and the required test scores for University of Illinois are too high.”

While some have accused Russia of being behind the secession movements in the US, Brockmeyer will not confirm or deny their involvement.

“Let’s just say I now have the best vodka collection in Bolingbrook.”

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