Russian operatives canvas for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

Unaffected by the cold weather, dozens of Russian operatives descended upon Bolingbrook to canvas for Mayor Roger Claar’s re-election campaign.

Their coordinator, who asked to be called Albert, insisted that they were there without Claar’s knowledge, but were sure he would appreciate their help.  They cited the Trump fundraiser Claar organized for then candidate Donald Trump as the reason for supporting him. “Roger helped our candidate Trump win.  That makes Roger our friend.  We will help our friend win in return.”  They said they were not trying to “hack the election“, but provide “positive information about Roger and the Keeping Bolingbrook First Party, while providing unflattering information about Jackie Traynere, and Bolingbrook United.

Albert allowed the Babbler’s reporters to accompany his team as they canvassed Bolingbrook.  Each team seemed to have information about each household they visited.  Albert insisted the information wasn’t from state-sponsored hacking but from Facebook Quizzes that all residents knowingly took.

At one house, a canvasser called Anna, introduced herself and asked, “You like Bolingbrook, yes?”

The resident replied, “Yes.  I’ve lived here for over thirty years, and it’s never been better.”

“Keeping Bolingbrook First made that possible.  You want to keep Bolingbrook first, right?”

“Absolutely.  I will vote to keep to keep Bolingbrook first.”

Next door, Igor introduced himself and said, “Bolingbrook hasn’t been good lately, no?”

The resident replied, “No.  I’ve lived here most of my life, and it’s changed too much.  It seems like there are too many Section 8 residents, if you know what I mean.”

“What if I told you that that Jackie is the mayor of Bolingbrook—“

“Lock her up!  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what came over me.”

“No problem.  What if I told you that Roger wants to be mayor so he can put Bolingbrook first?”

“Roger?  I like the sound of that name, if you know what I mean.”

At another home, a resident, who asked only to be identified as Jane, insisted that she couldn’t vote for Claar.

“He uses his campaign fund to supplement his lifestyle and rewards many of his donors with village contracts!  He’s also running up our debt.  I can’t vote for him!”

Ana replied.  “But Jackie does not support using village funds to give every resident a universal income.   She won’t provide universal health care to all village residents.  She won’t ban all cars from Bolingbrook.  She’s never called for a workers’ uprising!”

“(Expletive deleted)!  If Jackie won’t give me exactly what I want, then I won’t vote for anyone!”  She slammed the door.

“We are happy with that.”  Ana replied.

Albert defended his team’s tactics.  “We give you good news, and Bolingbrook does not question good news.  You follow strong mayor who follows strong President who follows strong Putin.  You will be rewarded.  Question good news and you will end up like Hillary Clinton.”

In addition to canvassing for Claar, Albert said that Russia will launch two “pro-Roger” websites:  Roger Today and Explorer 1.

When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was doing a teleconference with the White House, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t like the media either, but I don’t know if using this foreign word will help us.”

Bolingbrook United could not be reached for comment.

Also in this week’s Babbler:

Chicagoland braces for Soviet Ice Attack
Sources:  No Trump Tower in Bolingbrook
Aliens leaving Bolingbrook ahead of Trump inauguration
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/17.

The Babbler moves to Freethought Blogs! (Fiction)

By Jenna OlsonUFO

Publisher of the Bolingbrook Babbler

After ten wonderful years at Blogger, we’ve decided it was time to move our blog to a new home. There were many group blogs that would have accepted us, but we decided to join Freethought Blogs.

At first, that might seem like a mistake. We believe in God, cover the paranormal, and know that Bolingbrook, IL is the home of the largest urban UFO base in the world, Clow UFO Base. Bloggers at FtB are atheists, promote extreme skepticism, and think Clow International Airport is hardly worth mentioning. Digital Cuttlefishes aside, it seems like there is no room here for a blog that rejects the narrow materialist viewpoint the secret societies impose on us.

The truth is that we belong here at FtB. Since 1965, we’ve rejected conventional thinking and all dogmas. Our politics may have changed over the years, but we have always believed in fairness and justice. Bolingbrook is a diverse community, and we welcome and embrace that diversity. Today, parts of the world call out for social justice, and we are happy to be bards for the cause. Some skeptics claim that FtB is a bubble where only certain atheistic views are allowed. We’re here to burst that bubble and deliver the unbelievable truth to both the fans and hate-readers.

Finally, we belong here because we are at a turning point in history. The election of Donald Trump marked the start of a war between the New World Order and the resurgent Illuminati. Who we are as US citizens, and the fate of humanity, may depend on how all of us respond to the challenges of the next four years. To continue to provide the unbelievable truth in the new and dangerous world, we have to form new alliances. We may have many disagreements with the bloggers here, but we agree with their vision of a fair and just world. God help us, because we will help them.

So we hope you will join us every week. We will feature one article from our weekly printed edition. We also hope to add some exclusive content for readers here. Maybe you will never accept our stories as true, but if any of articles make you think, or inspire you to work for a better world, then we will consider that a success.

What’s going on here?

So what is the Bolingbrook Babbler really about? It’s a satirical tabloid that I started in 1998. The first time around I kept writing until 2001. I resumed work on it in 2007, and haven’t stopped since.

It began while I was a Bolingbrook, IL , resident and teaching myself HTML coding.  I wondered what it would be like if there was a local publication similar to The Weekly World News. So on a November night, I created the first Bolingbrook Babbler web page. The story was a secret tornado magnet at nearby Lewis University. I had so much fun writing the story and designing the page, that I decided to make it a regular feature on my home page. Soon I began regularly writing satirical articles using old school tabloids as my model.

A lot has happened with the Babbler in the nearly 19 years since I started. I was featured in a local newspaper article. I’ve had the joy of watching someone at Village Hall read through every page, and possibly send the link to a law firm in Los Angeles. I’ve had a friendly meeting with Mayor Roger Claar, and had him send an angry e-mail to me around midnight. I’ve spoken at Chicago’s Skepticamps, and performed dramatic readings at TAM, and GenCon.

There have been ups and downs over the years. The current move to Freethought Blogs is a high point. I’ve always supported the mission of Freethought Blogs, and I’ve learned so much from the bloggers there, both past and present. It’s been a dream of mine to come to Freethought Blogs, and I was shocked when I got the acceptance e-mail from PZ.

I would like to thank FtB for taking a chance on a blog that’s different from what they’ve normally featured in the past. Not every story will work, and I might make some mistakes along the way, but if any of my stories make a reader think about an issue, or learn something new, then I will have done my job.

I hope you’ll tag along and read about the “unbelievable truths” the staff of the Babbler uncovers each week.