Advice for kids coming out to their parents

This is a response to a 16 year old living in Florida with his creationist parents. He’s recently decided that he is a closeted atheist, partly as a result of watching the Bill Nye/Ken Ham debate. He wants to know if/how he should come out to his parents. This is advice we’ve given several times on the show, but I like to lay stuff out in a blog post I can refer back to.

Our standard advice for teenagers telling parents they’re atheists is be really really careful. Your parents control many aspects of your life, and it’s not completely unheard of for parents to disown their kids over an issue like this. That means the worst case scenario is losing your home, or losing financial support for college if you’re planning to go that route.
That doesn’t mean that you definitely should not tell them. They’re your parents, so you know them better than most people. How religious are they? Are they pretty level headed? Do they love you unconditionally? These are all factors you consider in deciding how safe you feel in telling them. I wouldn’t want you putting your well being at risk for the sake of expressing yourself.
If you do decide to tell your parents, and you don’t know for sure how they’ll react, you’d best have a backup plan. Think about people you know and trust among your friends and extended family. Would any of them be more understanding if you told them first? Would they be willing to take you in if necessary? You might want to ask.
Finally, remember that since your parents have such unique power in your life, you shouldn’t view it as your job to change their minds. If you can get them to accept you and keep loving you, that’s a win even if they never agree with your point of view. So have arguments about the existence of God with other people as much as you like. But if you’re getting in a fight with your parents, sometimes the best you can do is to stand your ground and let them know that you may disagree with them, but you will always be a decent and ethical person who loves them.

Raising atheists redux

Here’s an email we received about raising kids while atheist with an unsupportive family.

I am a fan of the show. Like so many other atheist i grew up in a very religious household, my mother is an evangelical Christian and performs in gospel music groups, she has been seen on gospel music television, and has performed all over the united states, there are several evangelical pastors in my family that is centered around a church that is owned and operated by members of my family, (Uncles, Mother, Cousins etc) I was the first Atheist to “come out” in my family and in the years that have followed there has been at least one other who credits me as an inspiration to be honest about her beliefs, there are a few others of the younger generation that have secretly confessed to me they share the same beliefs that i do but are afraid to admit this to their parents for fear of being rejected.

(More below.)

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Atheist in need of advice: How to cope with family?

I offered to post these letters anonymously to our blog to solicit more feedback from others who might have more, or better, ideas to help this person—to make it simple, let’s call him “John.” My offer was accepted, and so I’m sharing. In brief, John suspected that his mother was being influenced by religious relatives. And the relationship between him and his mom, which had been cordial, became strained. I suggested he not go on a hunch, but address this issue with his mom directly, to just ask what had motivated the change—so they could at least have a conversation based on whatever was actually going on. This is the reply I received after he took that advice: [Read more...]