God’s forgiveness = self-forgiveness, part deux

Here’s another hilarious example of how Christianity allows anyone to wash away their own sins with ease and without ever actually being troubled by having to feel bad about what you’ve done. The following amusing quote comes from the latest in a long line of hypocritical right-wing politicians, in this case, Louisiana Republican Senator David Vitter, incidentally one of the chief sponsors of a proposed Constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. This is a man who has publically compared gay marriage to Hurricane Katrina (I know, only a right-wing Christian could make a remark so baffling and bizarrely hyperbolic). This fine public servant, who has also called marriage — the straight kind — “the most important social institution in human history,” didn’t feel it was important enough to keep him from availing himself of a certain Canal Street escort service. But hey, never fear. It’s religion to the rescue!

“This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible,” Vitter said in a statement given to reporters Monday night. “Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and from my wife in confession and marriage counseling.” (Emphasis added.)

Isn’t it great to be a right-wing Christian politician? I mean, you’re so within the Big G’s inner circle that forgiveness comes your way faster than snapping your fingers. Then again, you never really hear Christians caught with their hands in the proverbial cookie jars ever say anything like, “Well, I’ve asked God for forgiveness a few times…still haven’t heard back from him, but I’m sure everything will be okay. I know He’s a very busy God, you know, off creating galaxies and nebulae and stuff. He’ll get back to me with that forgiveness when He has time, I’m sure He will…”

No, they always ask for and receive the forgiveness they seek — pretty easy to do when you’re talking to yourself.

Anyway, I suppose this is the cue for all our Christian commenters to chime in with the usual “not a true Christian” responses.

Hovind’s descent into insanity is complete

Going, going, going….gone. Such is the state of Kent Hovind’s mind behind bars. His latest missive on the CSE blog is a bizarre script in which he imagines himself to be in a dialogue with God. This is perhaps the most detailed and explicit first-hand evidence we’ll ever get of the extent to which fundamentalist beliefs lead inexorably to actual, irreversible mental illness. Read this one little excerpt, and imagine blustery Terry Jones in the role of God, and a hapless Michael Palin as Kent. Remember, you gotta do the voices.

KH: Lord, I’m outside enjoying Your glorious sunshine on a gorgeous day in South Carolina. I really need the sunshine for my health. Thank you, Lord! What is my next assignment while I’m here?

GOD: One step at a time, son. I’ll guide you. What happened after lunch today?

KH: I was sitting in the sun writing to you and Don came over and sat down to talk. He sure was eager to learn about the Bible. He gladly asked You to forgive his sins and trusted You as Savior.

GOD: Yes, I was there with you. Don is twenty-seven years old. His life will do a complete 1800 turn during the next twenty months in prison. I have big plans for him, son. Thanks for being obedient to my leading, son. Sometimes, I have a hard time getting you to listen to me.

KH: I know, Lord. Sorry about that. I have another question, Lord. Why did you let them more me five hundred miles away from my family?

GOD: I know this is hard for you. How many men in there are away from their families?

KH: Nearly all of them, Lord. Some only see their family once a year—and some not at all. I know what you are going to say, Lord, that now I know how they feel and can be a better witness to them, right?

GOD: Very good, son. You are starting to get the picture!

KH: But, Lord, five hundred miles away?

GOD: You are still in America, son. Would you prefer…Siberia?

KH: Oh, no, South Carolina is just fine! Hey, Lord, why did you let me slip on those steps in Atlanta and bruise my ankle so badly?

GOD: I needed you to see the new prison doctor that just came from India. He knows almost nothing about Me, son. I know you didn’t have much time with him, but you did tell him about your Website. He will look at it and read the “How To Be Saved” article. That will start him on the road to salvation later this year.

I’m sorry about the bruise, but you can’t see the doctor in there unless you are hurt. Would you rather I break it next time—or bruise your head?

KH: No, Lord! The ankle was a great idea.

I guess it was obvious to God that Kent’s head has already taken a little too much damage!

Hovind’s mind is beginning to crumble

There are signs emerging that Kent Hovind is starting to deteriorate between the ears (“Whaddaya mean, starting to?” you’re saying, I know) as a result of his incarceration. His latest letter from the pen posted on the Creation Science Evangelism blog is a bizarre, self-pitying bit of blather in which he refers to God as the “master,” Jesus as the “woodsman,” evolution as a “big oak” and himself as the “ax”. He then goes off in a profoundly weird rant, following a “why hast thou forsaken me” motif.

I mean, get a load of this (spelling errors included):

Dear Woodsman,

Why have you done this? We were doing so well felling tress for the Master’s house and you quit chopping with me in the middle of cutting that big oak. Why? I was doing my best. I never flew off the handle. I cut as deep as I could every swing. What did I do wrong?

Why do you have me clamped in this vice? I can’t move! I can’t chop wood here. I was designed for chopping wood. I love it! Please don’t leave me clamped in this vice. I feel pressure on my sides that I’ve never felt before. I can handle the pressure on my cutting edge. Go ahead. Chop with me all day long. I can take it. Actually, I love it!

Now what? No! Wait! Why are you grinding and filing off part of me? Why would you take away pieces of the most effective part of me—my cutting edge?

Woodsman, the Master needs the trees cut! This delay is holding up the job we were doing for Him! Please stop grinding on me and get me out of this vice. I want to go back to work. I love cutting wood. Ouch! You are hurting me!

Woodsman, are you listening to me? Do you know what you are doing?

The Ax

This is the kind of thing you read, and then sit there quietly for a second, before exhaling and thinking “…Wow!”

Hovind is disintegrating. When he’s released, it is likely he will have to undergo treatment of some kind in a mental health facility. He may even have to be remanded to such a facility before his release. I don’t feel sorry for him in the least for who he’s been and what he’s done. But it’s a reassuring sign, I suppose, that his influence has considerably waned, and may even be considered negligible. In the “deuling polls” matter discussed a few days ago, the “Free Hovind” petition still has fewer than 100 signatures, many of which are pranks, while the “Keep Him Locked Up” counter-petition has over 1100. He’s lost his fan base except for all but the stupidest and most deluded, and now he’s losing his marbles.

Because goofing on YEC’s is just fun!

Young Earth Creationists are not exactly the brightest lights on the tree, as we all know. And the dimmest bulbs among them have to be Kent Hovind’s dwindling fan club.

In the way creationists in general think that facts will change to conform to beliefs, Hovind supporters have whipped up one of these stupid online petitions in the hopes of getting him pardoned and released. If there has ever been a case in the history of the internet where an online petition has impacted or changed — well — anything, I haven’t heard about it. But to think the Florida criminal justice system would actually reverse a felony conviction and prison sentence on the basis of a handful of people signing an online petition is a particularly pitiful brand of stupidity. I mean, you’d have to be stupid enough to believe the earth is only 6000 years old or something to believe that!

Naturally, the atheist and science blogosphere has been having some fun at these poor fools’ expense, just as they did with that numbskulled Christianity Today poll a few days back. A few people have posted phony signatures to the “Free Hovind” petition, but I, like PZ, would discourage this. Hell, it’s just mean, like taking candy from a baby. The better choice for a mocking response has been the “Keep Hovind in Jail!” counter-petition, which, as of this morning, has 843 signatures to the pro-Hovind poll’s 53 (and some of those 53, as I indicated, are pranks). The YEC’s who started the “Free Kent” petition are aware of the counter-petition, and have gone into full “Mommy mommy, the monsters under the bed are trying to eat me!” mode.

Now of course, a key difference is that the people who started the “Keep Hovind in Jail!” petition know online petitions are bogus. The reason for the counter-petition is to give the poor deluded dimwits who still have the wool pulled over their eyes where Hovind is concerned a blunt reality check. The man was a liar and a con artist, a schemer and a deliberate crook. And those fine Christians who think he actually told them the truth about dinosaurs and the age of the earth are the victims of his most egregious and inexcusable con, and their views are not in the mainstream here.

Yes, sometimes it seems mean to pound on the religiously deluded and uneducated. But sometimes a little “tough love” is needed. Signing your name to “Keep Hovind in Jail!” isn’t really like participating in an “iPetition.” Think of it more as an “iIntervention”.

Hovind in the hole

Word is getting around the blogosphere that creationist Kent Hovind, currently doing time for violating numerous tax laws, has been thrown into solitary confinement, though reasons for this are obscure. One explanation is that Hovind has been trying to run his own prison ministry without approval, though to what degree that is true is up in the air.

Given Hovind’s penchant for portraying himself as an innocent martyr to the faith who’s being victimized by an evil government trying to silence him for preaching “the truth” about evolution, and the brainless eagerness of Hovind’s wide-eyed followers to parrot this self-serving delusion (seriously, check the comments in the link above, as well as some of those that have turned up even here), it’s likely any story that comes along as to why Hovind has been so incarcerated — if he even has — will have been thoroughly run through CSE’s distortion machine.

Naturally, I feel about as much sympathy for Hovind, let alone his claims of martyrdom, as I do for Paris Hilton. Neither an imaginary deity nor spoiled-brat celebutard status puts anyone above the law.

Hovind loses appeal; wife will now be charged

Okay, I know this news is a couple of days old. But I’m hoping its repeated posting here is enough to convince the small army of Hovindites who’ve descended upon this comment thread that the game is over, the jig is up, your boy is toast, and any further attempts to defend Kent by trotting out innuendos about government conspiracies or wondering whether the jail tapes are legal (they’re still up on YouTube; they are) isn’t going to change reality any more than Hovind’s “Dinosaur Adventure Land” dog park and its chintzy displays changed the reality that Earth is 4.5 billion years old and all its living things are descendents of a common ancestor. Go watch the video about the martial arts “qi” master again, getting pwned by someone who seems to be a thoroughly run-of-the-mill black belt. When fantasy meets reality, it’s like a squirrel on the highway meeting a semi.

I do feel sorry for Jo, though.

I guess this is worth a mention

Kent Hovind — convicted, disgraced, pathetic and forgotten — continues to fight the good fight against the penal system. He’s got his attorney (presumably the same incompetent no-hoper who couldn’t even get his paperwork organized in court and thus earned a rebuke from the judge for wasting everybody’s time with his incessant shuffling) asking for an acquittal on the grounds that the Hovinds didn’t mean to defraud the government. This is a bit of a step down from the tough-talking “they’re the ones breaking the law, not me!” bluster Hovind puffed himself up with on his recorded prison phone calls.

You know, if you shoot a guy in the face, and then tell the judge you didn’t mean to kill him, you just might still find yourself sent up the river for murder. Crimes don’t become not-crimes when the perp commits them by accident. I mention this only by way of making a point. Kent Hovind, in fact, meant to do every sleazy thing he did, and with his lawyer, he’s now lying once again, as he’s lied all his life about things like evolution.

So long, Kent. You’re as irrelevant as the creationist twaddle you peddle to the uneducated and gullible. No one but you believes your delusions any more.

Kent Hovind’s bizarre phone calls from jail

Definition of delusional: A guy who has cheated on his taxes and considers himself above the law, pontificating that his legal opponents should “obey the law!” I guess Dr. Dipshit doesn’t know that jails record phone calls. Let the world see what pathetic scum he truly is. He’s clearly living in his own dream world.

Prior to his conviction: The whining, the victim complex, the never ending mantra of “lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits!” This guy sure does love listening to his own bluster. In the first clip you will find yourself actually feeling sorry for his wife, listening to her say, with a notable tone of despair, that “I’m just hearing things [from you] that sound all the same.” Hovind’s cold reply, “Well, maybe I need to change…or maybe you need to change and accept it…Your hope is always that I will change. Maybe the hope ought to be that you will advance.”

Prick!

One wonders, how does someone this dishonest and deluded get this way in the first place? I guess it’s that when someone is this slick a bullshit artist, and he can convince himself of his own bullshit, then it becomes easy as pie to say literally any self-serving nonsense you can come up with, with unassailable confidence. Take note of the last thing Hovind says in the final clip, if you’re ready for a true Irony Meter-Breaker.

PS: Since Hovind wants to know what laws he’s broken, according to one source I’ve found, here they are: 26 U.S.C. § 7202, 31 U.S.C. § 5313(a), 31 U.S.C. § 5324, 18 U.S.C. § 2 and 31 C.F.R. sec. 103.11, 26 U.S.C. § 7212.

Ted Haggard cured of teh gay!

Well, color me relieved! I was sure it was only a matter of time before Pastor Ted was going to start stalking playgrounds and shopping mall food courts looking for impressionable young lads (which, as you all know, is what people who have caught teh gay usually do). Or worse, wearing Prada and listening to Streisand. But, thanks to “three weeks of intensive counseling,” Haggard has proudly pronounced his manly manhood fully restored and unblemished by non-heterosexuality! “He is completely heterosexual,” boasts his good friend Paster Tim Ralph, which is especially reassuring, as it takes a pretty astute mind to spot the difference between “completely” heterosexual and, say, only 92.3% heterosexual.

With such effective Christian counseling services out there curing sad, misled sinners of teh gay with such “complete” efficacy, I sleep easily knowing our great country is safe once again!

Facing 10 years as Bubba’s Bitch, Hovind loses mind

This is just too funny. Hovind’s latest too-good-to-pass-up offer for the government: let me go and I’ll stop suing you. Oooo! Got ‘em on the ropes there, Kent baby.

This editorial lays the smackdown on this cretin.

“You dishonor your fellow Americans” by dodging a fair share of taxes, [Judge Casey] Rodgers said.

She sentenced him to 10 years in prison.

Even then he resisted reality.

“I sure would like to go home,” he told Rodgers.

Oooh man. I almost feel sorry for the guy.

Wait! — what the hell am I saying? No I don’t!