Presenting the stupidest anti-gay-marriage article in world history, part 1

(TL;DR advisory: This one’s a biggie. The word “asshole” is frequently used.)

A few days back, one of my Facebook friends (well, she’s an IRL friend too, but Facebook is where she contacted me, so anyway…) asked me to help her fisk this article. Took me a while, what with a busy week going on, but I’ve finally managed to get around to it. I decided it would be best done here.

A conundrum that anti-gay bigots have been facing in their steadfast opposition to marriage equality is their inability to name any sort of non-imaginary, material harm that heterosexual marriage would suffer by the legalization of LGBT marriage. That several countries have had marriage equality for a few years now without seeing any negative impact to their citizenry’s breeders only exacerbates the awkwardness. So this fellow John Barber comes along, and he’s all…

challenge-accepted-1
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Insert “Better love story than Twilight” joke here

You know, sometimes I almost feel cruel. But yes, kids, this…

…is a real book, by one Ernest Angley, an Ohio evangelist. Its story, apparently, “reveals the overwhelming fear, torment, death and unimaginable destruction that will take place on Earth after the Rapture. This gripping story is based on 100% Bible truth, and the end times have never before been written about in such shocking reality…”

“Shocking reality” is not, I must honestly confess, the phrase that’s evoked by that cover. We have aggro, laser-eyed WWF Jesus — wearing Elvis pants, and either a crown or a golden skullcap that’s straining to contain his exploding brain — astride a Riverdancing horse who’s got to be voiced by Eddie Murphy. Also, I think Jesus is meant to be holding the horse’s reins, but the artist either forgot to include those or his PC crashed after adding his 103rd Photoshop layer. So it looks more like Jesus is about to left-hook Horsey for a particularly lame wisecrack. “Dayum, Boss! Dat hurt!”

In short, THIS IS THE FECKING AWESOMEST SHIT EVER, and if I didn’t think my own brain would go on strike and possibly divorce me for cruel and unusual punishment, I’d read it yesterday!

Trololololol

Hey! Want to piss off some homophobic fundie bigots? Of course you do!

So recently, a dearly beloved snack food came out in support of marriage equality. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among people whose lives are filled with anger and fear, that they would never again be able to enjoy their favorite cookie. Truly, my heart bled. Did yours? I bet it did, you softie, you.

And now, a group of folks called Minnesota for Marriage, which is a curious thing for a group trying to prevent certain people from being allowed to marry to call themselves, are declaring war (which, I guess, is what you do when you’re all about love) against General Mills. Because General Mills supports love and equality and marriage for everyone, you see, and that is an evil Satanic homodevil thing to do. And MFM’s Andy Parrish, who wants all his loyal prayer warriors to know he can be reached at Andy@MinnesotaForMarriage.com, will have none of it.

Well, my my. For sure, General Mills definitely needs someone at their backs. So why not? After all, who doesn’t enjoy Count Chocula? (Okay, don’t answer that. But, good grief, Trix! Whose childhood wasn’t positively influenced by the Trix rabbit!)

So here are some fun ideas. You can send old Andy a note letting him know that you appreciate the information that General Mills have come out against the kind of bigotry by which Andy has chosen to define his life, and that you will certainly support their products in any way you can. Better yet, if you’re a gay couple, what fun could be had by sending Andy a photo of yourselves, posing with your favorite General Mills cereal. One of you could be feeding the other a spoonful of Cheerios in a sultry way. Or if you really wanted to make Andy’s head asplode, one of you could be licking flakes of Total off the other’s body with the note “You bet I’m getting 100%!”

Trolling. It is such an art!

Looking forward to seeing what shenanigans ensue.


Quick addendum: General Mills is not the company that makes Oreos. That’s Kraft. Thing is, they’re both proudly pro-equality, the bigots hate them both now, so we should give them our love.


Addendum the Second: According to PZ, this post appears on Minnesota for Marriage’s FB page.

Nothing about blended fabrics, though.

And they’re trying to disown it by saying it was put there by a hacker. (Here’s the proof that that’s a lie and desperate spin, and that they support the scriptural sentiment.) But they wouldn’t take it down until “Facebook’s forensics team” identified the hacker. (eyeroll) So it stayed up until the afternoon of Wednesday, June 27, getting all kinds of high-fives from MfM’s fellow fundie bigots.

But here’s the thing. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to trumpet your bigotry with a fanfare of Biblical justifications, and then repudiate one of the principal passages from the very holy scriptures upon which that bigotry is founded, because you’re uncomfortably aware that by modern, secular, humanistic moral boundaries, its incitement to murder goes a little too far. If this book is the divinely inspired word of your creator, from whom you believe your “morality” comes, what basis you do have to pick and choose what “morals” he gets to teach you?

If God is your “absolute moral authority,” and he says do this, you can’t say “Yes God, you’re my moral authority, except when you tell me to kill someone.” Because aren’t you then placing your “relative” moral values over those of the “absolute” lawgiver?

Think for yourself. Make your choice. Millennia-old religious edicts or modern enlightened thought? In or out?

Because Photoshop is more fun than doing responsible adult stuff

With the recent anti-gay vote in North Carolina, followed by Obama’s belated “sure, why not?” pronouncement of same-sex marriage acceptability, a number of Christians are doubling down on the hate, and this photo of a billboard is making the rounds on Facebook today.

Being white with perfect teeth is presumably optional.

Wag that I am (check my name), I couldn’t resist firing up Photoshop to create some of my own variants of the message. (Politically incorrect yet bluntly accurate interpretations of scripture and religious patriarchalism below the fold.)
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Because you just love it when we share our emails

There’s a fine art to trolling, I am discovering. And when you’re an intensely devout evangelical type with a really awesome stack of scripture quotes and (what you don’t quite grasp are) fallacies that you can’t wait to unload on some pain-in-the-ass online atheists who think they’re so smart, it’s best if you first make sure you’re bringing your trolling A-game. Because you’d better know we will.

In this spirit, allow me to excerpt the more entertaining bits of a recent email exchange we’ve been having with a gentleman named Travis. This is edited for brevity, as Travis is one of those guys who thinks that we will actually read all the way through an email containing enough Bible quotes to fill War and Peace.

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Happy Aftermath Day

If you stopped by the blog yesterday, and said to yourself “Hah!  Jen McCreight obviously wouldn’t join the Men’s Rights movement!  I can read a calendar and I am not fooled at all!”… and then you patted yourself on the back and closed the blog down without bothering to click on the link… well, shame on you.  You may be nobody’s fool, but you managed to cheat yourself out of a lot of entertainment.

Yesterday, 21 bloggers announced the departure of someone else from the network.  Here’s the big list for you to peruse:

  1. The Atheist Experience: Jen McCreight is becoming an MRA
  2. Jen McCreight: Greta Christina just isn’t very angry anymore
  3. Greta Christina: JT Eberhard is rejoining his old Christian rock group
  4. JT Eberhard: Stephanie Zvan launches a new career writing erotic novels
  5. Stephanie Zvan: Dana Hunter found the Virgin Mary in some geodes
  6. Dana Hunter: Daniel Fincke is going to be a full time open air atheist preacher
  7. Daniel Fincke: Richard Carrier is running for Congress.  As an objectivist.
  8. Richard Carrier: Muslims bought off Al Stefanelli with hookers
  9. Al Stefanelli: Chris Hallquist is working for William Lane Craig
  10. Chris Hallquist: Chris Rodda sees history in a new light thanks to Kirk Cameron
  11. Chris Rodda: Ed Brayton, intimidated by Chuck Norris, is quitting blogging to be a pro poker player
  12. Ed Brayton: Ophelia Benson is joining Alain de Botton as an atheist who loves religion
  13. Ophelia Benson: Maryam Namazie will be a fashion designer
  14. Maryam Namazie: Offended by the nude calendar, Biodork will be creating a calendar of veiled women
  15. Biodork: Hank Fox has a meltdown after his blue collar roots are insulted
  16. Hank Fox: Greg Laden is really a con man named “Sticky” Johnson
  17. Greg Laden: Crommunist no longer cares about racial issues
  18. Crommunist: The Lousy Canuck is upset at not being the only Canadian
  19. Lousy Canuck: Assassin Actual is won over by the Cosmological argument
  20. Assassin Actual: Justin Griffith’s drunken binge ends the Rock Beyond Belief legacy
  21. Justin Griffith: The Atheist Experience is acquired by Fox News.  Lousy bunch of traitors.

We had a ridiculous amount of fun planning this self-destructive blog ring for your amusement.  Gratifyingly, many commenters referenced the other posts, and some even said they made it all the way around the circle.  Hopefully some of you have discovered some great blogs you weren’t following before.  I am personally very impressed by what a creative and talented group of writers are co-members of Freethought Blogs, and I’m proud to be in the company of so many godless bastards.

For the record though, would TAE join Fox News?  Assuming we get a contract that says we can retain our current cast and format, YES, in a heartbeat!  Think of all the callers we’d get!

Farewell to Jen McCreight

Hi folks,

As you probably already heard elsewhere, Jen McCreight, the author of Blag Hag, will no longer be with us at Freethought Blogs after the end of this month.

Jen has been a great voice for the skeptic community for many years.  You may know her from her excellent speeches such as the one she gave at Skepticon, or her spearheading of the satirical “Boobquake” event from 2010.  Naturally I was extremely surprised by her announcement.  As far as I could tell, she seemed to fit right into the culture here at FTB, and nobody was expecting her to walk out on us at this point.

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Gia Madonna of the Esoteric Order of Dagon

Here is godless geekette Gia Grillo, known to Atheist Experience and Non-Prophets fans for co-hosting guerrilla NPR episodes 9.6 and 9.9 with me last summer, and for terrorizing Christian sidewalk evangelists on the streets of Hoboken, all decked out in cephalo-chic finery for the Coney Island Mermaid Parade (that link may not be worksafe, btw, heads up). Who says atheists don’t have fun, especially when honoring the majesty of the Old Ones just to be on the safe side? Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn and all that. So while PZ would I’m sure wholeheartedly approve, the whole affair does look kind of gay, so I imagine Charlie would totally stay home. (Or…not?)