More paranoiac raving from that kook Brannon Howse

If fundamentalist nutcases didn’t exist, we’d have to invent them. On second thought, no we wouldn’t. We could actually get on with the worthwhile business of advancing the human race, increasing our store of scientific knowledge about our world, our universe, and ourselves, improving health care, extending life expectancy and raising the quality of life for everyone, supporting and evolving the arts, practicing such quaint notions as human rights and equality, ending war, and spreading our reach out into the cosmos.

Instead, we’re stuck on this poor little blue ball with a horde of gibbering twits.

Speaking of Brannon Howse…. The big cheese over at the Christian Worldview Network makes a habit of uncorking his paranoia on his weekly internet radio show Worldview Matters, letting it flow over and bathe his listeners in its curdled, pus-like warmth.

Keep in mind that Howse’s “worldview” is little saner than that of the creepy, muttering homeless guy whom you tried to ignore on the street earlier today, carrying on an extended debate with the aliens in his head interrupted only by pleas to passers-by for change or cigarette butts.

To Howse, pretty much everything that exists in America today is an evil liberal plot led by Marxist Barack Obama and his stormtroopers to Destroy All Christians. Howse is, if nothing else, a master of the sensationalist headline. William Randolph Hearst would have loved this motherfucker, if only for awesome histrionic dribblings like this: “Liberals who hate Christians love pedophiles and refuse to pass an amendment on to H.R. 1913 that excludes pedophiles from special protection. Does this not tell you all you need to know about their real goal for America and Christians?” I mean, that’s just gold.

Now, here’s the thing. I kind of value my brain. I consider it a friend, and as I like to have pleasant and healthy relationships with my friends, I try to avoid subjecting them to needless abuse. Friends are touchy that way. Thus I cannot really bring myself to listen to one of Howse’s maniacal podcasts, unless my brain also happens to be in a mischievous mood — like that one time with the hermit crab, the tube sock, the Krazy Glue, and a napping Kazim — and says to me, “Aw, come on, let’s do it, it’ll be hilarious!”

But I do get an endless charge out of those headlines, especially ones where I know a thing or two about what he’s blithering about and can see the crazy so clearly it’s simply breathtaking. In his latest episode, he raves about, of all things, the upcoming census. The headline is a joy to behold.

Topic One: The government GPS Tagged Brannon’s house and has or will tag your home in the next 90 days. Why? Why is the federal government spending $700 million to have 140,000 workers tag every front door with GSP in just 90 days? The census is not until 2010 and this person that is tagging your front door does not even talk to you since they just walk up to your door and load the GPS coordinates and walk away. In Germany, Jews were given a yellow Star of David to wear, I wonder if in today’s America, Christians will have a yellow cross on the governments GPS map?

Folks, you can’t invent that kind of crazy! I mean, census workers GPS tagging homes is just the same as the Nazis putting the yellow stars on Jews!? Great galloping…uh…something that starts with “g”.

If Howse wasn’t so deliciously non compos mentis, he could easily have tracked down a few facts before launching into a rant like this. For one thing, the people out doing the GPS tagging of addresses are called enumerators. And while I can’t speak for the person assigned to Howse’s neighborhood, the one who came through mine spoke to me, thank you very much, and was very friendly. But then, you know, I’m a friendly guy, and when I meet new people, friendly conversations tend to ensue. I can, on the other hand, probably understand why Howse failed to have a similar friendly engagement with his own enumerator, as it’s easy to imagine him bursting out of his front door in his robe and bedroom slippers, waving his Bible like a katana and shrieking, “Vile minion of Say-tun, I bind thee in the name of the Holy Spirit, now get offa my lawn!”

The census is taken every decade, and far from being all about rounding up the Christians for the ovens (one detail that fails to penetrate the fog clouding Howse’s miniscule brain is that enumerators simply tag addresses, they don’t ask what the religion is of the people living there), it’s a task mandated by the Constitution itself. As for why they’re getting such an early start, well, only someone as stupid as Howse would ask such a thing. It’s just like asking, “Hey, I thought that new skyscraper they were going to build downtown isn’t supposed to open till next year. So why are they laying the foundation now?” Uh, because big jobs take lots of preparation, idiot. The US has just over 304 million people in it. And as the task of the census is, as they state quite clearly, “to distribute Congressional seats to states, to make decisions about what community services to provide, and to distribute $300 billion in federal funds to local, state and tribal governments each year,” obviously providing services on that scale to so many people isn’t the sort of thing you throw together in a week or two. Then again, I may be blind to whatever Vast Conspiracy the government has on its planner this week, and have been too easily fooled by the official site’s omission of “…and to pinpoint the location of Christians so we can exterminate them more efficiently” from their list of census benefits.

Well, I’m sure Howse will be comforted to know that I’m actually considering applying for a summer job with the census, following my friendly conversation with the friendly neighborhood enumerator I met. So if there isn’t already a “Target the Christians” objective among the government’s current action items, I could probably suggest it to my supervisor. He’ll kick it upstairs, and I’m sure our Islamofascist Marxist president Darth Barack will love it! Thanks for the idea, Brannon. I got a yellow cross with your name on it, buddy! And your little dog, too! Arbeit macht frei! Bwaaaaah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-haaaaaah!