THE ATHEIST APOCALYPSE

Attention all atheists:

ALL YOUR BLOG AM BELONG TO DM.

Are you listening to me now???

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PZ Myers, the little jerkface, time to bury him under piles of squid. I BET HE’D LIKE THAT!

Katy Perry has B**BS! And Elmo is looking! DON’T THINK WE AREN’T ON TO YOU, ELMO!!!

Can you hear me, you ill-begotten miscreants?

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Just like this cat…

…We will trap all atheists… IN A BOX!!!!!!!!!!

Traitors!

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Screw all of you! I am OFF my MEDS and I couldn’t be more ravenous!

He speaks the truth!

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We will get you out LIKE MUSTARD!!!!!!!

Blah blah blah blah froth froth froth glurk argh splunge.

Watch out, Dawkins, I’m COMING FOR YOUR BLOG NEXT!!!!!!!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER! This will show them all. They’re bound to take me seriously NOW.

[Update: Phew! April 1 is finally over, and I can change my blogger name back to Kazim instead of DM.

I hope it's obvious to all the commenters that I was in no way expecting to "fool" anyone, but I hope you got a laugh out of it. :)]

Kirk Cameron to Host Atheist Experience

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
In a press conference today, Matt Dillahunty, host of The Atheist Experience, announced that he would retire and hand over the reigns to film actor, long-time atheist, and master comedian Kirk Cameron.
The 38 year old Cameron is a former child actor who starred in the hit comedy series Growing Pains, before going on to perform in popular Christian apologetics movies including Left Behind and Fireproof. “I’m thrilled and honored to be joining the cast of the prestigious Atheist Experience,” Cameron told reporters today. “This apologetics thing has been a great joke to pull, but I think it’s time for me to move on to a new challenge worthy of my stagecraft.”
Cameron staged a fake conversion to Christianity in 1987, at the height of popularity for Growing Pains. He went on to deliberately alienate many of his friends and coworkers by loudly complaining about the “immorality” and “pornography” on the family sitcom.
“I’m a lifelong fan of Andy Kaufman,” explained Cameron. “Even after a few years had passed, the world was still abuzz with stories about Andy’s death.  The guy had terminal cancer, and still everyone believed that he faked it. I mean, his practical jokes were legendary — the myth has long outlived the man. Once I grew out of my ‘cute kid’ stage, I knew that my acting career was in danger of stalling out. That’s when I decided that the best way to jump start it would be to take on the role of a lifetime. I had to convince the world that my whole personality had changed.”
Cameron went on to ingratiate himself with unsuspecting Christian filmmakers, conniving his way into several promising film projects and ultimately ruining them. “This was my gift to atheism,” said Cameron. “I’m just relieved that I can finally say what I really think on The Atheist Experience, and stop playing a double role.”
Some of Cameron’s dupes took news of the prank in good humor. “Now there’s an actor,” gushed Left Behind director Vic Sarin. “Everybody else seemed to recognize that the script we were working with was complete crap. But Kirk approached the project with such apparently sincere excitement that we kind of felt bad… we were all just collecting a paycheck. Now I understand that his awful hack performance was all part of a grand meta-theater project of his own devising. What an artist!”
Not everyone took the news kindly, however. New Zealand evangelist Ray Comfort, 59, was shocked by Cameron’s revelation. “I’m simply stunned by this turn of events,” Comfort told reporters despondently outside his home in Bellflower, California. “My goodness gracious, I’ve known the bloke since 2001. The crocoduck was his idea when we debated the Rational Response Squad. We bloody well worked on every episode of Way of the Master together. To receive news like this out of nowhere? I mean… crikey.”
When told of Comfort’s distress, Cameron was nonchalant. “Yeah, you kind of have to feel sorry for the guy… but come on, fooling Ray was not exactly the feat of the century. I mean, he fell for Christianity.”
Cameron then added: “God damn it, where’s the nearest bar? I haven’t been laid properly in 22 years. I can’t believe I passed up on that Julie McCullough chick for the sake of a joke. Now she was one fine piece of ass.
“What can I say? I’m dedicated to my craft.”

Press Release: Atheist Experience Series Finale to Air Sunday, April 6

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The popular cable access television show and podcast, The Atheist Experience, will air a special fifteen minute episode on Sunday, April 6, announcing the conclusion of the show’s ten and a half year run.

When pressed for an explanation, show host and president of the Atheist Community of Austin Matt Dillahunty said: “I’ve been doing this show for two years now… but then last weekend I just looked out the window and couldn’t believe what I saw. Trees. Flowers. Blue sky. Even some birds and stuff. I had never noticed any of them before. And I thought to myself, ‘Unbelieveable. If all those things exist then surely someone must have made them.'”

Dillahunty went on to explain that all four of the regular co-hosts were approached to take over the host spot in order to keep the show running, but all of them declined. “I already announced a while back that I would be leaving the show,” said Ashley Perrien, another long time contributor to The Atheist Experience. “I didn’t feel comfortable explaining my reasons at the time, but I’m much more sure of myself now. I want to dedicate myself to my new religion of Scientology. In fact, I’m on my way to go get an e-meter reading right now. I hope to cleanse all my engrams in about five years, and then maybe I can talk about coming back.”

Tracie Harris remarked: “I just realized one day how much I missed the Catholic Church and all their rituals. They’ve always been like a family to me, and I take comfort and pride in my affiliation with them. I’ve been chatting with my former priest, and he got me to realize how improper it is for a woman to speak on camera, especially in the capacity of instructing men. I plan to spend the rest of my life atoning for the horrible things I wrote in that stupid Atheist Eve cartoon.”

Don Baker was struck by a similar epiphany. “I’ve been lying to myself all these years,” he said. “I thought I was an atheist, but really it was just a childish rebellion against the God who wanted me to live a decent, moral life. Now that I have no further excuse to continue sinning, I plan to finally settle down with my new girlfriend and make an honest woman of her.” Having said that, he turned to the adoring young lady by his side, who declined to be identified for this story, and gave her a chaste kiss on the hand.

“It occurred to me that all this science stuff I’d been preaching was my false substitute for a religion,” said Russell Glasser, who used to serve as the show’s producer. “Once I realized that all these so-called ‘scientists’ were actually priests of Satan, the wool was removed from my eyes. It’s so clear now that evolution is a lie, and that evidence and reason are a terrible way to understand the world. Faith is clearly a superior epistemological tool. I mean, after all, if you can’t even believe something as obvious the resurrection of Jesus, how can you believe anything? Like, how can you believe that New York exists, man? I can’t believe I’ve been so blind.

“Also, did you know that the World Trade Center was totally brought down by insiders in the Bush administration?” Glasser added. “It’s true! Don’t buy the official government story! There’s a movie online that explains EVERYTHING!”

In a scheduled press conference, producer Joe Rhodes announced that the show will remain off the air for three days, at which point it will be reborn as a new series entitled “Kickin’ It With Jesus.”

In related news, audio podcast host Denis Loubet announced that the first episode of “The Prophets” will air in two weeks.

A convoluted April Fool’s joke

I’m not really sure who perpetrated this, but bear with me, this may be a wee bit complicated.

The various folks at scienceblogs.org and pandasthumb.org have recently had great fun debunking a character at the Discovery Institute named Michael Egnor. (From Pharyngula: Example 1, Example 2.) Egnor claims to be both a neurosurgeon and an evolution skeptic, and he holds some truly laughable creationists views.

Today, both Panda’s Thumb and Pharyngula are reporting that the Discovery Institute revealed, through their evolutionnews.org site, that Michael Egnor is an elaborate hoax. Egnor is not real, they say, he is a construct to see how “gullible” these “Darwinists” are and bait them into silly ad hominems. And boy, did it ever work!

Only one problem. I noticed, and apparently so did several other commenters, that the link above actually goes to evolutionnews.NET, not evolutionnews.org. And furthermore if you try to get to the main page of evolutionnews.org, as I did, you can’t — there’s a 404 error.

Cleverly, though, all the links on the .net page redirect to the appropriate areas of evolutionnews.org, so to the careless reader, it appears that they are all part of the same site. Also cleverly, the header was stolen from the .org site and so were the stylesheets, so it looks nearly identical.

The thing that tipped me off was that I went to the main site to look at what else was posted before and after the alleged “April Fool’s” post, and found that the post itself was not there. There was, however, a NEW post by Michael Egnor, which begins: “I am a devout Catholic…” I thought: “Hmmm, that’s odd that they would try to keep up the pretense after they just revealed that it was a joke…”

So, dear readers, the joke’s on YOU. As crazy as Michael Egnor sounds, he’s the genuine article. Assuming that PZ himself is in on it, sorry for ruining your joke, but I figure people will read your site before ours. :)