THE ATHEIST APOCALYPSE

Attention all atheists:

ALL YOUR BLOG AM BELONG TO DM.

Are you listening to me now???

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PZ Myers, the little jerkface, time to bury him under piles of squid. I BET HE’D LIKE THAT!

Katy Perry has B**BS! And Elmo is looking! DON’T THINK WE AREN’T ON TO YOU, ELMO!!!

Can you hear me, you ill-begotten miscreants?

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Just like this cat…

…We will trap all atheists… IN A BOX!!!!!!!!!!

Traitors!

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Screw all of you! I am OFF my MEDS and I couldn’t be more ravenous!

He speaks the truth!

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We will get you out LIKE MUSTARD!!!!!!!

Blah blah blah blah froth froth froth glurk argh splunge.

Watch out, Dawkins, I’m COMING FOR YOUR BLOG NEXT!!!!!!!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER! This will show them all. They’re bound to take me seriously NOW.

[Update: Phew! April 1 is finally over, and I can change my blogger name back to Kazim instead of DM.

I hope it’s obvious to all the commenters that I was in no way expecting to “fool” anyone, but I hope you got a laugh out of it. :)]

Kirk Cameron to Host Atheist Experience

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

In a press conference today, Matt Dillahunty, host of The Atheist Experience, announced that he would retire and hand over the reigns to film actor, long-time atheist, and master comedian Kirk Cameron.

The 38 year old Cameron is a former child actor who starred in the hit comedy series Growing Pains, before going on to perform in popular Christian apologetics movies including Left Behind and Fireproof. “I’m thrilled and honored to be joining the cast of the prestigious Atheist Experience,” Cameron told reporters today. “This apologetics thing has been a great joke to pull, but I think it’s time for me to move on to a new challenge worthy of my stagecraft.”

Cameron staged a fake conversion to Christianity in 1987, at the height of popularity for Growing Pains. He went on to deliberately alienate many of his friends and coworkers by loudly complaining about the “immorality” and “pornography” on the family sitcom.

“I’m a lifelong fan of Andy Kaufman,” explained Cameron. “Even after a few years had passed, the world was still abuzz with stories about Andy’s death.  The guy had terminal cancer, and still everyone believed that he faked it. I mean, his practical jokes were legendary — the myth has long outlived the man. Once I grew out of my ‘cute kid’ stage, I knew that my acting career was in danger of stalling out. That’s when I decided that the best way to jump start it would be to take on the role of a lifetime. I had to convince the world that my whole personality had changed.”

Cameron went on to ingratiate himself with unsuspecting Christian filmmakers, conniving his way into several promising film projects and ultimately ruining them. “This was my gift to atheism,” said Cameron. “I’m just relieved that I can finally say what I really think on The Atheist Experience, and stop playing a double role.”

Some of Cameron’s dupes took news of the prank in good humor. “Now there’s an actor,” gushed Left Behind director Vic Sarin. “Everybody else seemed to recognize that the script we were working with was complete crap. But Kirk approached the project with such apparently sincere excitement that we kind of felt bad… we were all just collecting a paycheck. Now I understand that his awful hack performance was all part of a grand meta-theater project of his own devising. What an artist!”

Not everyone took the news kindly, however. New Zealand evangelist Ray Comfort, 59, was shocked by Cameron’s revelation. “I’m simply stunned by this turn of events,” Comfort told reporters despondently outside his home in Bellflower, California. “My goodness gracious, I’ve known the bloke since 2001. The crocoduck was his idea when we debated the Rational Response Squad. We bloody well worked on every episode of Way of the Master together. To receive news like this out of nowhere? I mean… crikey.”

When told of Comfort’s distress, Cameron was nonchalant. “Yeah, you kind of have to feel sorry for the guy… but come on, fooling Ray was not exactly the feat of the century. I mean, he fell for Christianity.”

Cameron then added: “God damn it, where’s the nearest bar? I haven’t been laid properly in 22 years. I can’t believe I passed up on that Julie McCullough chick for the sake of a joke. Now she was one fine piece of ass.

“What can I say? I’m dedicated to my craft.”