May 10 2012

Because Photoshop is more fun than doing responsible adult stuff

With the recent anti-gay vote in North Carolina, followed by Obama’s belated “sure, why not?” pronouncement of same-sex marriage acceptability, a number of Christians are doubling down on the hate, and this photo of a billboard is making the rounds on Facebook today.

Being white with perfect teeth is presumably optional.

Wag that I am (check my name), I couldn’t resist firing up Photoshop to create some of my own variants of the message. (Politically incorrect yet bluntly accurate interpretations of scripture and religious patriarchalism below the fold.)

After all, look carefully, and you’ll notice that the scriptures reveal that God was okay with a lot of marriages that are a lot less savory than simply two people of the same gender joining in a bond of mutual love and commitment.

This one's courtesy Levi Tooker.

See, if there’s one pattern you notice in ideas about “Marriage God’s Way,” it’s that “she’s property” recurs frequently.

No sir, I don’t like it.

And besides, who cares about “Marriage God’s Way” anyway? Whatever it is your holy book says, this country is still not a theocracy! You don’t get to pass laws that harm and discriminate against others based on what your invisible imaginary sky-daddy likes. If a theocracy is what you want, give Saudi Arabia a try.


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  1. 1

    heh. Should probably put a trigger warning at the top of this post…

    1. 1.1
      Martin Wagner

      “Warning: Bible verse interpreted accurately.”

      1. jamessweet

        Seriously! “Trigger warning: Bible verses interpreted accurately“. You might want to think about it…

        1. Martin Wagner

          Our readers are tough enough to handle Biblical evils.

          1. 'Tis Himself

            <reads OP, curls up in corner, shivering and sucking thumb>

          2. Martin Wagner

            Okay, maybe not all. Come here, have a hug.

  2. 2

    I know it’s long, but what about:

    “Man + Foreign virgin whose family you murdered while invading their country = Sex Slavery and Genocide God’s way
    Numbers 31:17-18″

    Or shorter:

    “Man + Foreign kidnapped virgin= Sex slavery God’s way
    Numbers 31:17-18″

    1. 2.1
      Martin Wagner

      Technically, “Sex Slavery God’s Way” doesn’t appear to be much different from “Marriage God’s Way.”

  3. 3
    Jasper of Maine

    Were Adam and Eve “married”? I don’t recall that part. I thought it was that you have sex then *poof* you’re married. So technically you couldn’t get married until you had premarital sex.

    1. 3.1
      F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

      This may be part of the reason we still haven’t seen Cain’s long-form birth certificate as well.

    2. 3.2

      A woman is married as soon as she’s purchased. Capturing her takes a little longer.

  4. 4

    : gets up and walks toward camera when the atheist mentions bible;

    Anyway even if daddy did say those things it was when people need to live like that, but when he put himself inside his mommy and killed himself for three days he decided we could have godly marriages like he wanted us to have from before he made Adam sleep with his genetic twin.

  5. 5

    She’s not a virgin? Stone your wife to death.
    Marriage God’s Way

    Deuteronomy 22:13

  6. 6

    My imaginary friend, let’s call him Yeehaah, loves everyone regardless of sexual preference and fully endorses gay marriage. So if Yahweh is all-loving, and Yeehaah is apparently more loving than Yaweh, does that make Yeehaah all-all-loving? Or maybe all-loving-loving?

  7. 7

    When I read those shops, all my monocles popped out and I dropped at least a dozen teacups (I had to make several runs to the supermarket to keep restocking).

    It was all I could do to sputter “…c-c-c-context…” before slipping into an apologetics-induced stupor.

    Also known as apologetics.

  8. 8

    Man + Woman + Woman + Woman + Woman

    Marriage God’s Way.

    Judges 8:30

    1. 8.1

      Ug, I missed Levi Tooker’s photoshop above. How about

      Cousin + Cousin

      Marriage God’s Way.

      Numbers 36:8

  9. 9

    How about a side campaign: “Came down to earth, got a ‘virgin’ girl pregnant, fucked off & let her raise the baby. Fatherhood God’s Way”

    1. 9.1

      Hold on………… You missed the part about it being some other dudes gal he impregnated……. God is a free love type

      1. Zengaze

        “Adultery gods way”……. Damnit do as I fucking say not as I do, I’m your father

      2. Vall

        God’s allseeingeyePod: Naughty by Nature, “You down with OPP? Yeah you know me”

        1. gwen

          You missed man+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine Samuel 3:2-5

  10. 10

    I think the 1 Kings verse is dodgy at best. It’s quite clear that Yahweh is pretty pissed at Solomon for marrying all these foreigners. There’s no approval there at all.

  11. 11

    The bibles version of marriage is the one you pop your cherry with, your tied too, and jesus ( who liked to kick around with boys all day) didn’t change it, and you just know none of them Christians did the ring thing with the person they first jumped all over.

  12. 12

    Genesis 2 18-19

    Man + cow = marriage…no? OK, what about man + pig…not that either, hmm, man + chicken?

    1. 12.1

      No, no. God had Adam try all those, remember? (Genesis 2:18-20) No good.

      1. Matrim

        That’s why he put the relevant Bible verse


        1. mikespeir

          I’m an idiot, that’s all. :(

  13. 13

    What the hell god would know about marriage anyway. He’s never been in a stable relationship. The only time he was with a woman, he knocked her up and split.

  14. 14

    This would be a good twitter hash tag to trend, methinks.

  15. 15
    John Kruger

    Of course, most of the “gay is bad” stuff comes from the old testament. The part of the bible that does not count except when it does. Jesus always said that being gay was, um . . . Oh yeah, he never brought it up.

  16. 16
    Max Entropy

    I found this on reddit this morning – http://imgur.com/bKaot

    1. 16.1

      I would absolutely love it if the leaders of the Abrahamic religions started preaching that sentiment.

  17. 17

    Christians can’t be opposed to cloning, god started the whole cloning thing off, and he didn’t start with a sheep or a goat, he set the precedent that I’d your going to make a clone make sure it’s a female sex slave and call her eve.

  18. 18

    I actually think these billboards would make a great billboard campaign. Maybe some of these morons would crack a bible open and realize its idiocy. Probably not.

  19. 19

    Isn’t marriage going by the way-side anyways?
    Not saying that gay marriage shouldn’t be legalized, but that this country is sliding away from conservatism not matter what fundies try to do.

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