With the recent anti-gay vote in North Carolina, followed by Obama’s belated “sure, why not?” pronouncement of same-sex marriage acceptability, a number of Christians are doubling down on the hate, and this photo of a billboard is making the rounds on Facebook today.
Being white with perfect teeth is presumably optional.
Wag that I am (check my name), I couldn’t resist firing up Photoshop to create some of my own variants of the message. (Politically incorrect yet bluntly accurate interpretations of scripture and religious patriarchalism below the fold.)
After all, look carefully, and you’ll notice that the scriptures reveal that God was okay with a lot of marriages that are a lot less savory than simply two people of the same gender joining in a bond of mutual love and commitment.
This one's courtesy Levi Tooker.
See, if there’s one pattern you notice in ideas about “Marriage God’s Way,” it’s that “she’s property” recurs frequently.
No sir, I don’t like it.
And besides, who cares about “Marriage God’s Way” anyway? Whatever it is your holy book says, this country is still not a theocracy! You don’t get to pass laws that harm and discriminate against others based on what your invisible imaginary sky-daddy likes. If a theocracy is what you want, give Saudi Arabia a try.
36 comments
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jamessweet
May 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
heh. Should probably put a trigger warning at the top of this post…
Martin Wagner
May 10, 2012 at 4:54 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
“Warning: Bible verse interpreted accurately.”
jamessweet
May 10, 2012 at 5:04 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Seriously! “Trigger warning: Bible verses interpreted accurately“. You might want to think about it…
Martin Wagner
May 10, 2012 at 5:13 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Our readers are tough enough to handle Biblical evils.
'Tis Himself
May 10, 2012 at 5:25 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
<reads OP, curls up in corner, shivering and sucking thumb>
Martin Wagner
May 10, 2012 at 5:36 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Okay, maybe not all. Come here, have a hug.
kagekiri
May 10, 2012 at 5:44 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I know it’s long, but what about:
“Man + Foreign virgin whose family you murdered while invading their country = Sex Slavery and Genocide God’s way
Numbers 31:17-18″
Or shorter:
“Man + Foreign kidnapped virgin= Sex slavery God’s way
Numbers 31:17-18″
Martin Wagner
May 10, 2012 at 5:46 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Technically, “Sex Slavery God’s Way” doesn’t appear to be much different from “Marriage God’s Way.”
Jasper T
May 10, 2012 at 6:04 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Were Adam and Eve “married”? I don’t recall that part. I thought it was that you have sex then *poof* you’re married. So technically you couldn’t get married until you had premarital sex.
F
May 10, 2012 at 6:55 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
This may be part of the reason we still haven’t seen Cain’s long-form birth certificate as well.
0nlyThis
May 10, 2012 at 10:27 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
A woman is married as soon as she’s purchased. Capturing her takes a little longer.
Zengaze
May 10, 2012 at 6:08 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
: gets up and walks toward camera when the atheist mentions bible;
Anyway even if daddy did say those things it was when people need to live like that, but when he put himself inside his mommy and killed himself for three days he decided we could have godly marriages like he wanted us to have from before he made Adam sleep with his genetic twin.
jdon
May 10, 2012 at 6:55 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
She’s not a virgin? Stone your wife to death.
Marriage God’s Way
Deuteronomy 22:13
Longjocks
May 10, 2012 at 8:39 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
My imaginary friend, let’s call him Yeehaah, loves everyone regardless of sexual preference and fully endorses gay marriage. So if Yahweh is all-loving, and Yeehaah is apparently more loving than Yaweh, does that make Yeehaah all-all-loving? Or maybe all-loving-loving?
Liesmith
May 10, 2012 at 8:45 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
When I read those shops, all my monocles popped out and I dropped at least a dozen teacups (I had to make several runs to the supermarket to keep restocking).
It was all I could do to sputter “…c-c-c-context…” before slipping into an apologetics-induced stupor.
Also known as apologetics.
terrycollins
May 10, 2012 at 9:16 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Man + Woman + Woman + Woman + Woman
Marriage God’s Way.
Judges 8:30
terrycollins
May 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Ug, I missed Levi Tooker’s photoshop above. How about
Cousin + Cousin
Marriage God’s Way.
Numbers 36:8
Aliasalpha
May 10, 2012 at 10:37 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
How about a side campaign: “Came down to earth, got a ‘virgin’ girl pregnant, fucked off & let her raise the baby. Fatherhood God’s Way”
Zengaze
May 11, 2012 at 2:11 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Hold on………… You missed the part about it being some other dudes gal he impregnated……. God is a free love type
Zengaze
May 11, 2012 at 2:13 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
“Adultery gods way”……. Damnit do as I fucking say not as I do, I’m your father
Vall
May 11, 2012 at 8:43 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
God’s allseeingeyePod: Naughty by Nature, “You down with OPP? Yeah you know me”
gwen
May 11, 2012 at 10:09 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
You missed man+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+wife+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine+concubine Samuel 3:2-5
iainbrown
May 11, 2012 at 1:46 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I think the 1 Kings verse is dodgy at best. It’s quite clear that Yahweh is pretty pissed at Solomon for marrying all these foreigners. There’s no approval there at all.
Zengaze
May 11, 2012 at 2:23 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
The bibles version of marriage is the one you pop your cherry with, your tied too, and jesus ( who liked to kick around with boys all day) didn’t change it, and you just know none of them Christians did the ring thing with the person they first jumped all over.
MarkB
May 11, 2012 at 4:28 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Genesis 2 18-19
Man + cow = marriage…no? OK, what about man + pig…not that either, hmm, man + chicken?
mikespeir
May 11, 2012 at 3:39 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
No, no. God had Adam try all those, remember? (Genesis 2:18-20) No good.
Matrim
May 12, 2012 at 9:24 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
That’s why he put the relevant Bible verse
mikespeir
May 12, 2012 at 10:13 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I’m an idiot, that’s all.
LykeX
May 11, 2012 at 4:44 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
What the hell god would know about marriage anyway. He’s never been in a stable relationship. The only time he was with a woman, he knocked her up and split.
Kaylakaze
May 11, 2012 at 4:59 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
This would be a good twitter hash tag to trend, methinks.
John Kruger
May 11, 2012 at 6:17 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Of course, most of the “gay is bad” stuff comes from the old testament. The part of the bible that does not count except when it does. Jesus always said that being gay was, um . . . Oh yeah, he never brought it up.
Max Entropy
May 11, 2012 at 6:39 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I found this on reddit this morning – http://imgur.com/bKaot
Liesmith
May 11, 2012 at 10:37 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I would absolutely love it if the leaders of the Abrahamic religions started preaching that sentiment.
Zengaze
May 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Christians can’t be opposed to cloning, god started the whole cloning thing off, and he didn’t start with a sheep or a goat, he set the precedent that I’d your going to make a clone make sure it’s a female sex slave and call her eve.
desoto
May 12, 2012 at 10:44 am (UTC -6) Link to this comment
I actually think these billboards would make a great billboard campaign. Maybe some of these morons would crack a bible open and realize its idiocy. Probably not.
connect2reality
May 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm (UTC -6) Link to this comment
Isn’t marriage going by the way-side anyways?
Not saying that gay marriage shouldn’t be legalized, but that this country is sliding away from conservatism not matter what fundies try to do.