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Stay classy!

This is an actual postcard snail-mailed to residents of Conway, SC, by The Rock Church, inviting people to their Easter services.

The blood smear is an especially nice touch, don't you think?

Nice, huh? Now imagine you’re a parent with a kid, and this turns up in the mail, and either your kid sees it, or you immediately think “Holy shit! My kid could see this…” Well, you don’t have to imagine it, because that’s what happened.

Now as you all know, I’m not bashful about sick, politically incorrect, potty-mouthed humor. But I like to think I have enough basic common sense to gauge my audience. I try to understand the fine line between what’s really funny, that people will get, and what’s just trolling. But what happened here is that The Rock Church basically trolled its own congregation and its entire community. Smooth.

Kevin Childs, the pastor, has offered an apology. And he assures us he’s really sorry, and that he’s not making one of those “‘if you’re offended, I’m sorry you’re offended’ non-apologies that don’t impress me either.” But while I’m sure he thinks he’s being sincere, his apology actually turns out to be more offensive than if he’d offered one of those Limbaugh-style not-pologies after all. And here’s why.

The problem isn’t so much the card, it’s the grotesque prejudice behind it.

Apparently, Childs is surprised and disappointed at the criticisms he’s getting, not from his congregation (whom he dismisses, strangely, as “fussy over-churched little Pharisees” — seriously, this guy’s on douche overload), but from atheists.

…if MUCH of the criticism is coming from the very people my own heart longs to reach, THAT stops me in my tracks. I could pretend otherwise. I could stick my jaw out, think up some zinger come-backs, and pretend I’m “earnestly contending for the faith.”

Listen, if fussy over-churched little Pharisees slam us, I honestly could not care less. If their unbelieving neighbors say that we’ve pushed them FURTHER from faith, that will keep me up at night. If our attempt at edgy irreverent outreach cast our church and Christianity in a bad light, blame me. Just me. And I apologize.

Wait, what?

So, Kevin, what you’re saying is that you really intended your card as an outreach to atheists? Because somewhere in that cracked clay pot you call a brain pan, you got the idea that we’re such disgraceful, immature, heartless and morally bankrupt people that we would look at an image making a joke of animal cruelty and totally go “LOL! Dude, I used to think religion was bullshit. But this church looks like the fucking bomb! Look at that little bunny’s guts! LMAO! I gotta go to this church now. Maybe if I get lucky the pastor will sodomize a couple of kids and put a kitten in a microwave!”

I mean, really?

Look, dude. You want to reach out to us? Fine. Here’s a protip. We like things like arguments, and evidence, and discussion, and rational discourse. We’re not a bunch of overgrown frat boys lighting farts and doing our best to extend our arrested adolescence into our fifties. (Can you actually light a fart, by the way?) That would be you, if this is any indication. To get us into your church, you first need to convince us your God exists at all. And the way to do that is by engaging that dusty little thing you’ve had on the shelf for years called a mind. Really, man, you could not have faceplanted into a steaming pile of fail more gracelessly if you were Pauly Shore starring in a Uwe Boll movie.

And no, I’m not judging your whole church by your own idiocy, because those fussy little Pharisees have called you on all this, too. If anyone reading this is from Conway, and you know this guy, or anyone from his church, please, tell them to tell him to give his head a shake.

Comments

  1. Mary2 says

    I love the trouble they went to! Did somebody photoshop this image or did they really find a road-kill rabbit and carefully scatter broken Easter eggs around it and then take a photo?

  2. Mary2 says

    Blasphemy!!! Who could be so sacreligious to my deeply held beliefs as to waste all those chocolate eggs?

  3. Jeff Sherry says

    That is a really strange addition of the basket and eggs to draw his own parishoners to his service. If he’s willing to run over the easter bunny how safe should I feel around this person?

      • Comment1 says

        I hope it’s not too late, but lighting farts can also burn your inner thighs and legs pretty bad. It happens. I hope I don’t ruin anyone’s weekend.

          • Comment1 says

            Nah, I prefer to find out that kind of stuff through the suffering of others. Wikipedia actually has a surprising number of tips on how to conduct pyroflatulence safely. Could be good for a weird puzzle in an adventure game, but its not really a talent I feel any need to cultivate.

          • says

            +1,000,000 Internets for the adventure game/weird puzzle reference. :D

            Also, I’m including that puzzle on my next adventure game. ;)

        • Stacy L Mason says

          I recall a video from the earlier days of the interwebs. Some fool decided to demonstrate in a belly up crab-walk tripod position.

          The flatus flame was brief and blue, the kindled pubes burned orange. The sounds he made, whilst slapping at his flaming junk were like Mrs. Doubtfire speaking in tongues.

          Yakkity Sax seemed a funeral dirge after such music.

          • says

            Also, this…

            The flatus flame was brief and blue, the kindled pubes burned orange. The sounds he made, whilst slapping at his flaming junk were like Mrs. Doubtfire speaking in tongues.

            …is pure poetry.

    • treefrog says

      I’m late to this party, so you beat me to answering this.

      Sadly, my father is the reason I know that it can be done and that it produces blue & green flames. It was amusing when I was a child but not so much now.

      Btw, jeans are the recommended attire. Sweatpants will melt. Just sayin.

  4. says

    Sorry again to be that guy, but I think you’re being too hard on him (for the postcard. Can’t be too hard for being a priest.). There’s no cruelty involved and I actually laughed at the card. But then, maybe that’s just because I really hates rabbits. It’s just human nature to hates rabbits.

    • says

      I felt the same way. It’s a dumb way to try and reach out, perhaps, but it’s a funny picture. Which made me consider the fact that I dislike death, but on the other hand, I don’t think it’s something sacred that I can’t laugh about. I doubt this bunny was tortured. I think some guy was driving along, and his car was loaded up with easter accessories for some reason, and he spotted a dead rabbit on the road. Genius that he was, he carefully laid his easter stuff next to the carcass and took a picture. How is that not hilarious?

      • says

        In its own context, it’s funny, as an internet gag. Snail mailed out at random to people in the community who have kids they might not want to have see a bloody dead bunny, it was massively clueless. Thinking that a joke like this, instead of evidence, is the way to make atheists think Christianity is worth checking out is pants-on-head stupid.

        • says

          And that’s more or less where I think you’re being unfair.
          We probably agree this guy didn’t expect a single atheist to see this and think “By my beard, there’s a dead bunny, I guess I’ll have to accept Jesus Christ as my personal saviour now.”
          He expected them to think: “Wow, look, this person has a sense of humor, maybe he’s a nice guy, so it might be worth listening to his message.”
          And I think this is not a bad try. Come to think of it, as far as Christian PR goes, this might be the best try I’ve seen yet, which doesn’t mean a lot since we’re talking Christiany here, but hey.

          • says

            If that’s what he expected them to think, then the prosecution rests. People who snail mail unsolicited pics of bloody dead animals to families in his community are not “nice guys.” Time and place, and all that.

            I got a postcard from an “edgy” neighborhood church like this a couple of years back, with a big slogan saying “CHURCH SUCKS!” on one side. Then you turn it over and read about how their church isn’t sucky like all the others, because they have rock music and you don’t have to dress up to go. Cheesy, but it’s a way of showing “We have a sense of humor about ourselves!” that won’t piss off parents of small children.

          • says

            Yes, it wouldn’t piss off anyone, because it’s boring.
            But still, you might be right about the dead bunny. I am a little sensitivity-challenged, and since everybode else here seems to agree that the card is in very bad taste, this could possibly just be me being thick, and disrespecting wabbits as well as children.

  5. 'Tis Himself says

    Listen, if fussy over-churched little Pharisees slam us, I honestly could not care less.

    He certainly respects his fellow Christians. Even if I was tempted to become a Christian, I’d stay well away from this guy and his church.

  6. James Rowland says

    Um, yeah. One of the more obnoxious attempts at atheist outreach I’ve seen in some time – assuming that truly was his motivation and not just some post-hoc rationalisation to save face with his congregation. (“Oh, that was for those lowly atheists? Carry on then.” Except that even they didn’t buy it.)

    The condescension to his audience is bad enough. We also have another reminder that Christianity is, at its roots, a death cult. We’re to be “saved” by means of vicarious punishment of a human sacrifice, for a “sin” we did not commit and that can only be atoned for with blood. Please, leave me out of that sick madness. You say he died for me? Well, I don’t respond well to emotional blackmail, especially when its premise is so nauseatingly unjust and unethical.

    There isn’t even a coherent message behind the death and gore. “Our idol (purportedly) ROSE FROM THE DEAD, therefore his preachments were true and you should come hear them and worship him on Sundays.” Could there be a more breathtaking non sequitur?

    It still depresses me that so many people find such feeble arguments compelling.

  7. InvincibleIronyMan says

    First there was Stone Church, and now there is Rock Church. What is this geological obsession all about?

    • scorinth says

      First there was Stone Church, and now there is Rock Church. What is this geological obsession all about?

      Growing up as a Lutheran, it was one of the most common metaphors I heard. The idea is that if you build a house on a rock, the foundation is firm and the house is strong, but if you build it on sand, the weak foundation will let the house fall down.(From Matthew 7:24-27) The idea here is that faith is the strong foundation of a Christian and they can be strong and not fall down or something.

      And now I can only imagine the pews filled with Weebles.

  8. bchimself says

    “Really, man, you could not have faceplanted into a steaming pile of fail more gracelessly if you were Pauly Shore starring in a Uwe Boll movie.”

    I had to read this in Dennis Miller’s voice.

  9. DataCable says

    And here’s the Easter Sermon for the kiddies: The bunny actually sacrificed his life. Jesus got a bailout.

  10. minalskare says

    I live in the area and I had to chime in.
    Probably the worst part about this card(aside from the fact that it was actually printed and mailed out,) is the defensive and outright rude tone some of the church members have taken.
    Some of the more shitty comments on their facebook page have been removed, as were the more strongly worded complaints about the card.

    The excuses those affiliated with the church had were downright dumfounding, here are some highlights:
    -Your kids will see worse things on TV or if they go hunting or if they play videogames

    -”buck up”

    -If you’re offended just ignore it, throw it away.

    -our church and our pastor or being persecuted, JUST LIKE JESUS WAS OMG

    -lol sorry you’re to stupid to ‘get’ this card

    -would a grizzly picture of jesus on the cross have been better? / no one would be offended if it were a picture of jesus on the cross which is far more graphic than this picture

    All of which are just plain stupid. It’s like punching someone in the face and then shouting ‘assault’ when they punch you back.
    A lot of people have also said that they called the church’s number to ask to be removed from their mailing list and were hung up on.

  11. AlaninWA says

    (Can you actually light a fart, by the way?)
    As the Mark Twain is supposed to have said when asked if he believed in infant baptism: Believe in it, my God man,I’ve seen it!

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